Many people who experience spiritual abuse aren’t aware of it in the beginning or in process, else why would they be in it in the first place. Reconciliation of events that occur over time require forgiveness and through that come healing and restoration.
See; those who are abused don’t wake up one morning and go search for the abuse. People don’t t wake up one morning with thoughts of ‘Let me see who I can find to hurt me all in the name of Jesus. Let me see how that would feel for a years.’ People don’t just knowingly do that.
It’s what happens though. It happens all over the world and on a daily basis. People get involved in churches, Bible studies; groups of people whom they begin to build relationships with and over time things change. The abuser is the one in charge and leading people down a path; that most of the time is about his or her agenda. The unsuspecting attendees are all about the mission at hand. They are happy to be a part of doing something for the greater good and life change is just part of the process. Never mind the change more often than not is not the change anyone would want to experience.
It isn’t until things happen and eyes open that the reality sets in. It may be a person speaking the real truth, something that you now pay attention to that you have been hearing for years; or just that you get to the most absolute lowest point of your life to where suicide is the most freeing way out. Regardless; learning the truth will make you free!
It’s through learning the truth of the abuse that is probably the hardest. Nothing is as you expected it to be nor can it be. Time has passed. You have passed. You are no longer who you were to do what you were called to do all those years ago and you can’t get them back. Time; is gone. How do you reconcile that? How do you reconcile what you have lost? How do you reconcile what you gave up and what was stolen from you? Simple. Forgive.
It is one of the hardest things in life to forgive. There is damage beyond what most people can grasp or understand. People took advantage of you and while they did it; you too were there. You were willing to be a participant. It was your vulnerability that allowed you to be in that position in the first place. Forgiveness will remove the pain to allow you to go forward.
Forgiveness will reconcile you from the past. It will not get back those lost years. But it will give you much to go forward with. It will free you from any attachment to those who abused you. Forgiveness will free you from the choices you have made. Forgiveness will allow you to see your new future in the way that you were probably able to see it long before your abuse began. While a process; forgiveness will set you free. Forgiveness will reconcile you with who you used to be and the real you to where you are going. And if you want to get going-forgive and be reconciled. You don’t want to lose more time when your future is waiting for you.
Spiritual abuse is hard to walk out of. Nothing is as it was nor will be ever be what it is as this very moment. Life is different and so are you. The good news is that your future is bright. Let forgiveness reign so you can get to it!
If you spend your time focusing on what has been lost; you will only lose more. It is not possible to gain and go toward a future while focusing on loss at the same time. Your future is waiting for you. While it may be difficult to see in the beginning know it is true. You are still standing and that is what is most important. If you weren’t you would have no testimony right? But you are here. You are triumphant. You my friend, are a survivor and of much more than you can ever realize.
As you look toward your future know that those in your path and past are and have served a purpose. What those purposes are are different for each of us. The good news is that through forgiveness you can see the purpose and go toward what is waiting for you.
There is no time like the present to let the past be what it was which was a journey. There is no time like the present to stand tall in who you were truly created to be and go toward the leaps and bounds waiting for you. Perhaps it’s moving to a new state. Perhaps it’s changing careers. Perhaps it is walking away from Church and into relationship with Jesus who has walked with you through the entire ordeal. Perhaps it’s just time for you to stand alone and see life in a new light- and in a sparkling pair of Christian Louboutin pumps! Regardless of what you are about to do; the best news is that you are still standing to do it. And that is the best thing you can ask or hope for!
There is much about spiritual abuse that is not talked about; especially the signs. People today just follow without thought; clueless of the sheep in wolves clothing preying- just waiting for the attack. It’s time to get it folks! Spiritual abuse and the warning signs are there-if you only pay attention.Forgive yourself if you haven’t and keep reading! Warning signs of spiritual abuse:
1. Misuse of scripture. If your pastor, spiritual mentor, adviser, etc. is misusing scripture it’s a red flag. If that person tells you things like ‘those who give the most get blessed the most’ and cites a variety of scripture- it’s wrong.
2. The person is controlling. There is a difference in leading, managing and controlling people. Oftentimes people get them confused and believe they are being led when in reality they are being controlled. Controlling people create expectations of you where you fall under their accountability, you become responsible to them; and you begin to live according to their ideals and expectations.
3. The person tries to change you. When someone tries to change you it may be blatant or subtle and it is your responsibility to discern between the two. A person who tries to change you will do is slyly with things that seem as coaching when in reality are not. It may be under the guise of a different lifestyle because you are now a Christian when in reality; that is the job of the Holy Spirit to bring about change and not other people. If someone tells you how to dress, wear your hair, who to spend time with; and other things like this it’s time to see it and run fast. Run Forest run!
4. The person has an agenda for you and your life or future. At time of meeting this person your life may not be going in the direction you thought. Well; great news! The person has a perfect life for you- and it just meets his or her agenda. You get involved and your life will become this or that when in reality it probably has nothing to do with what you set out to do for yourself. By the time you realize it; it may be a few years later and you are worse of than you were before you met. If someone has the goal of changing your life for his or her benefit that is not someone you want to follow.
5. The person puts down things you like or don’t like. If things you like or dislike are made fun of it’s a red flag. You do not have to like what everyone else likes and if a leader or spiritual mentor attempts to change what you like in the name of whatever religion that person is following it is not right. What happens to those following such leaders is that they start second guessing what they actually like; lose their identity, and then become lost people with no ability to think for themselves. It’s a great position to get people in for the leader because people with no identity or ability to think for themselves are much easier to control.
6. The person isolates you. If you change all of your friends in your life because they are not on the same page as the direction you are going; rethink it. Rethink it especially if it’s unanimous of all of your friends. Someone who attempts to remove those closest to your life is only gaining more power and control over you by mind controlling you to think that your friends are just not with the program and are not going where you are. Duh. No one is going right where you are because your life path was already made for you and no two people have the exact same life path; twins included. Isolation from friends and family is a control tactic so be wise to it.
7. The person steals your identity and value. If you begin to lose who you are, the things you like and enjoy that is a problem. If you are around someone who mocks what you eat and where, how you style your hair, your wardrobe choices or even what you do for a living; run. If someone tells you that the changes you are going through are normal and when you are finished you will be who you are; run. You were created in the image of God and no man has any authority to change that-unless you give it up. Don’t. Changing who you are is an insult to God.
8. The person is the only authority in the group. If your spiritual mentor, adviser, pastor; etc. etc. is the only authority and one allowed to speak that’s a red flag. It’s a control of information and the person in charge is the only one with it. When people start bowing down to one person as the leader and all knowing it is not right!
9. The person keeps group members isolated from one another. If members of the group, study, etc. are not encouraged to spend time together it’s a red flag. Why? Because they will talk and if they talk- who knows what will be talked about. When people are isolated from one another the only contact would be from each person to the leader and not person to person.
10. The person has no fruit in his or her life. Look at who you are following. Where is the fruit? Does that person walk in love? Forgiveness? How does that person treat his or her spouse? How does that person treat others? Is the person a racist? What are the relationships of that person like? Is there fruit in the family and friends? If there is no fruit then there is a reason. While the reason may not ever be your business the fact that there is no fruit is all you need to know.
Spiritual abuse is something that is more common than people think. Those who are unsuspecting get themselves into situations that they didn’t even realize and before it happens to you- take note. Be wise and discerning and pray for wisdom daily and then apply what you learn. After all; it may be save your life.
When people have been abused by religion, their pastors; or their church there are many lessons to learn. Spiritual abuse requires forgiveness on numerous levels. Many don’t see it; and most don’t know it’s occurred to them.
Every single person who has victory over spiritual abuse has a testimony. Those testimonies are nothing to be ashamed of but rather celebrated because there is victory in all things. It’s a matter of perspective and your victory may be just what the person on the subway next to you is needing to hear about. The lessons are many and I begin with a few simple ones:
1. Forgive. Forgive the spiritual abuser and forgive yourself. Both are lessons that are needed to be learned and master so not to be repeated.
2. Know the Word. Your pastor may say this or that; but so what? If what that pastor is not lining up with the Word of God and you follow it; you are in trouble and in more ways than you think. Your life is your responsibility. Knowing the Word helps you spot counterfeits or the wolf in sheep’s clothing.
3. Stand up for Yourself. Don’t allow someone to control you in any way; especially with the misuse of scripture. If you are not sure what the intentions are; ask. Then pay attention to the answer spoken and ‘not’ spoken. The answer is always there it’s a matter of paying attention to it.
By walking in wisdom you will far better than being ignorant following someone who may or may not have a clue, your best interest; or a personal hidden agenda. You, my dear reader, are the only one responsible for your actions and life so don’t be swayed by the ideas and thoughts of others if they are not lining up with the Word. You certainly will be glad you did!
When people have been abused by religion, their pastors; or their church there are many lessons to learn. Spiritual abuse requires forgiveness on numerous levels. Many don’t see it; and most don’t know it’s occurred to them.
Every single person who has victory over spiritual abuse has a testimony. Those testimonies are nothing to be ashamed of but rather celebrated because there is victory in all things. It’s a matter of perspective and your victory may be just what the person on the subway next to you is needing to hear about. The lessons are many and I begin with a few simple ones:
1. Forgive. Forgive the spiritual abuser and forgive yourself. Both are lessons that are needed to be learned and master so not to be repeated.
2. Know the Word. Your pastor may say this or that; but so what? If what that pastor is not lining up with the Word of God and you follow it; you are in trouble and in more ways than you think. Your life is your responsibility. Knowing the Word helps you spot counterfeits or the wolf in sheep’s clothing.
3. Stand up for Yourself. Don’t allow someone to control you in any way; especially with the misuse of scripture. If you are not sure what the intentions are; ask. Then pay attention to the answer spoken and ‘not’ spoken. The answer is always there it’s a matter of paying attention to it.
By walking in wisdom you will far better than being ignorant following someone who may or may not have a clue, your best interest; or a personal hidden agenda. You, my dear reader, are the only one responsible for your actions and life so don’t be swayed by the ideas and thoughts of others if they are not lining up with the Word. You certainly will be glad you did!
Next up: Forgiveness in Spiritual Abuse: The Signs of Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual abuse is rampant; except people don’t talk about. Those who abuse continue to do so and those abused continue to keep silent. It’s hard to come out shout ‘Hey! I was spiritually abused. I’m socially awkward, have been isolated for a decade and haven’t a clue what I am doing’ so most who have been abused hide in silence. And things continue on as though nothing happened. It’s similar to rape in that a violation occurred in the most inner parts of a person and most of the time the perpetrator gets no sentence.
Forgiveness of self in spiritual abuse situations is vital to forward progression. There is no way to move on without first forgiving the spiritual abuser as I wrote in my previous blog ‘Forgiveness in Spiritual Abuse: Forgiving the Abuser’. The next step toward freedom is:
Forgive yourself. When reality hits of that spiritual abuse has occurred; it’s more eye opening that most realize. It’s the shock of ‘how did I let this happen’ to ‘what will others think?’ to ‘am I crazy?’ and ending with the ‘how do I go forward?’ and many other things that are a part of that journey.
It is extremely difficult to let go of the mistake that the person made to get to that place; however, those who are spiritual abusers are good at it and you blaming yourself won’t do any good. In fact it will only create more hardship so it’s best to recognize it and forgive yourself and as soon as possible. The longer you wait the harder it is because the more revelation you will experience about what really took place.
Before you go down the road of shame, guilt, condemnation; and self-loathing know that your friends who love you are still there loving you and that in fact; they have been loving you the entire time. They are still there and they have never left you. They were on their journey with you although in a different way. They see through their eyes and my friends; have been waiting for the day when your eyes were open to seeing the truth. Sometimes it takes some longer than others; which is why we need people in our lives of all walks of life.
Forgiving yourself for getting into a spiritually abusive relationship is no different than forgiving yourself for having an abortion or an act of infidelity. All require forgiveness and the great news is that there is forgiveness and freedom waiting for you. As you go forward forgive yourself for:
1. Allowing yourself to get in that situation in the first place
2. Not recognizing it sooner.
3. Not standing up for yourself during that time.
4. Not paying attention to the red flags that really were there.
5. Not listening to those in your life who saw the signs and warned you.
And anything else that caused you to get yourself there. It’s one of those things that while you may wish you weren’t there; you were and now you aren’t- and that’s the best news of all.
As with anything in life; the quicker you realize that you are not perfect and that you make mistakes the easier it will get to forgive yourself. It may be humbling; but will end up being the most healing act and gift that you can give yourself. Get started now as your future is waiting.
Up next: Forgiveness in Spiritual Abuse: Know the Lessons
Spiritual abuse is something that people don’t talk about; especially in church. Forgiveness of spiritual abuse is what needs to be openly discussed because people need freedom in Christ. Church unfortunately does not equate to freedom for many.
It is amazing how many people leave the church because they have suffered spiritual abuse. It’s even worse to learn how many of those people want nothing to do with Jesus because of the spiritual abuse of the so called Christian leaders that they trusted their spiritual journey to. It’s hard to separate the two; although it should make people be glad to learn that even Jesus wasn’t thrilled with the religious folks of His day. Spiritual abuse is no laughing matter and if you have ever experienced it or know someone who has or is currently; these words are for you.
First and foremost there is freedom after spiritual abuse. If you have suffered spiritual abuse do not allow it or the abuser to have control over your future. Forgive. There is a call on your life and you matter. There is something in your future that no one can take away. To get free and live your God given life I begin with:
1. Forgive the abuser. It truly is a test of your strength and probably one of the hardest things to forgive someone for. The person that you trusted as a confident, spiritual mentor or adviser; or whatever you want to call took advantage of what you gave. It’s a hard thing to work through for anyone when the reality of what has been done to you sets in. This is why forgiveness is needed because otherwise your future and your life will suffer the consequences in ways you can’t deem possible.
Forgiveness will free you in any situation and unforgiveness will kill you as well; so working through forgiveness first will help you see that you have a future and that your past has not been wasted. It simply hasn’t. While you may have a harder time getting back what was stolen; the great news is that there is redemption in Christ. God is the redeemer of all things and through Him what has been stolen shall be returned to you. Just keep walking toward your future.
What you must understand is through forgiveness of the abuser you will be able to see that most people don’t know what they are doing. They just don’t. You probably didn’t know what you were doing when you got yourself into the situation of being abused in the first place! Remember forgiveness is not about the abuser; but rather you and your own journey. Those who are spiritual abusers for the most part are just doing what they know and or what they have been taught. Does that make it any easier? Of course not! You still lost your identity, the years of your life all the things that it probably should have been filled with; and much more that you don’t yet know.
When really looking at the abuser through the eyes of forgiveness; you will be able to see that that person too has lost much. What that person has lost may not be any concern of yours; but it doesn’t change the fact that most people who abuse were abused and your forgiveness toward that person may put you in the perfect position to not only free yourself but that person and all those who would come after to you that would otherwise be spiritually abused. It’s a journey of healing, reconciliation and forward progress toward the real life waiting for you.
Regardless of what has been done to you by whom; the first step is forgiving the spiritual abuser so that you can take the next step forward. You don’t want to miss more of your future by not starting there.
What’s next? Forgiveness in Spiritual Abuse: Forgiving Yourself
Single people are funny. They just are. Married people are too but not in the way single people are. Single people want to be married yet in order to even get to the status of dating someone that person must meet their criteria list of 1,000 items that simply are not attainable. Oh- you have too many stubbles on your face- can’t do that. Nope. It’s not like he couldn’t just shave right ladies?
If you are single and want to date and then marry someone are you living with too many expectations of that person you don’t even know? Have you placed so many perimeters on the person that regardless of what changes may occur in that person you have just disregarded him or her? I can tell you from experience- stop. Just stop now. Forgive yourself for thinking that someone else is going to be just like you and that you are so much better than all the others because quite frankly; everyone who is single is really in the same boat. So what makes you so high and mighty that you can demand and command all the things from someone that really don’t even exist or matter in the first place? Don’t you want someone who will love you for who you are- then why would you not get yourself in position to do the same? You can’t be the ‘I want you to love me just the way I am; muffin top and all- but honey before I love you I need to see more hair and a six-pack’ and expect that will garner you anything of quality.
See; if you want to date someone just like you go date yourself. Period. You will have a ball and no one to argue with or blame. What a perfect life of bliss you will enjoy all by yourself. Have fun in the nursing home!
On the other hand; if you actually want to branch out and meet and date that wonderful person open your mind. Open your heart. Recognize that while that person isn’t 6’1″ that 6’0″ is ok; especially if either height is still taller than you are. Open your mind to see that while someone may not be where ‘you’ think he or she should be; perhaps that person was just waiting for you to go on that journey there with you. Open your mind that relationships are a journey and when you don’t see that you miss what it’s about.
Forgive yourself for being so closed minded because folks; the last thing you would want to do is spend your life judging everyone for not being what you think when in reality; all those people you judged found someone wonderful and left you standing alone. Judge that.
I love the phrase ‘accident forgiveness.’ It’s all over the television and of course applies to those unwanted car accidents people find themselves in. But does accident forgiveness apply to other areas of life? One would think that ‘yes’ it does; but does it?
The whole concept of accident forgiveness is quite fascinating really. Isn’t most of what we need forgiveness for an accident of some sort? You may want to argue that people really do know what they are doing; although I challenge that. It was Jesus dying on the cross that said ‘Forgive them father for they know not what they’ve done.’ Sometimes we just give people too much credit and then wonder why the results are the way they are.
Perhaps it really is true that accident forgiveness is needed more often than we think; especially if you have never been in a car accident. I remember years ago preparing to go through the Holland Tunnel in Jersey and dropping the change before handing it to the clerk. I was absolutely mortified and as I kept apologizing my friend simply said, ‘no need to apologize’ and I couldn’t figure out he was so calm when I was freaking out! While a simple example it’s one that truly gave me perspective about how dysfunctional my childhood really was; but more importantly how many examples we can all come up with to demonstrate just how much we need forgiveness for our accidents on a daily basis.
What accidents have you witnessed daily? What acts of ignorance do you need forgiveness for? I have to admit that in my life I witness many accidents of those around me that I need to always be forgiving of. It’s of course a challenge as I am no different than you dear reader. I go through the same challenges of forgiveness as you. I have to constantly remind myself that forgiveness is a process and that as much as I need it for my accidents I need to also give. Who knew that accidents and forgiveness what such a give and take!?
As you go about today; celebrate the accidents for they are opportunities. They are opportunities to extend grace. They are opportunities to extend mercy. They are opportunities to demonstrate forgiveness. And isn’t that what we all truly need to give an receive?
The past is gone. It’s passed. Whether it’s five minutes ago, five days ago, five weeks or months or years ago; the past is gone. You can either be thankful or remorseful; but whatever you are about it does not change the fact that it is gone. It is time to forgive it or yourself for continuing to allow it to become your present and the future you live.
You see; we all have a past. There are many things about the past that change our lives and the changes that we allow those things to make is up to each of us. What are you doing with your past? What seriously are you doing with it? It requires an introspective look because forgiveness of it is required for freedom in future. The last thing you want to ever do is allow something from times ago to become what you see and live now.
If you are still looking at your life through the rear view mirror ask yourself why. What is it about your past that you think will bring you what you are truly seeking? What can it possibly bring? It can’t bring back that skinny figure. Nope. It can’t bring back the popularity you once had. It can’t bring back those who have passed on. It can’t bring back what once was. It just can’t.
What the past can bring if you let it is unforgiveness, bitterness, bad memories, judgment, shame, guilt, sadness, fear of success and failure; and a life you don’t want. If you don’t lay it down it will become and so will you; something that you don’t want to ever become. It will consume you if you are not walking toward your future free of the disease of unforgiveness.
How do I know? Personal experience. I was the kid who looked like a boy until 10th grade. I was the kid with the weight problem; I couldn’t gain it. I was the kid beat up by my adoptive parents and then was then bullied in school. I was the homeless kid at age 15 who was called a band fag because I played clarinet. I was the smart geeky kid who wasn’t popular. I was the hurt one who only knew how to carry that and that my friends; is what I did. And that is how I know the consequences.
I’ve learned many more lessons that I care to admit and I share them with you so that you can get around the mountain in less than 40 years. If I can help you at any moment live in freedom of forgiveness my days work is finished. How am I doing? Are you there yet? Just know that forgiveness is there. It’s for you. Your future is waiting. Forgive the past and run; don’t walk to the glorious future waiting to hug you!