Are You a Dating Watering Hole?
Online dating for some is the best thing in the world; no high bar tabs, plenty of babes to browse through and all from the couch or bed any time of day. What a playground right? What more could a single person want? Options for this or that without much effort or commitment. A dream come true.
It’s easy to meet people and then play the game. The question is: do you know if you are being played? Are you the watering hole that they don’t want you to know about? What’s a watering hole you ask? Let me explain and help you identify if you are one.
The watering hole is the situation that many men and women find themselves in. It’s where they think that the person they are spending time with is interested and then he or she disappears and then he or she is interested again. Perhaps you have been there. The person is too busy with work, their son is sick; there are issues with the ex- wife. That person may like you although if the person was truly interested in you that person would do more than put you on layaway.
You may hear about the need for distance over the phone but probably not. See; it’s much easier to be a deceiver through texting because you can’t hear the voice crack while the lies come out and the person definitely wouldn’t show enough respect to share anything in person for the fear of noticeable deception and time that it would take. The person may be so kind to ask you to ‘not give up on him’ or something to that effect when in reality you were just placed on layaway while better options are being explored. If you were the best option you would know.
Then it happens. The sweet text a couple or few months later stating something like, ‘Hi gorgeous. Beautiful weather isn’t it’ or something to that effect. It’s whatever is needed to start the conversation on a high note. You may or may not recall the person if you are active in deleting people of irrelevance in your life so you go through the steps of inquiring and receive the response of who it is with the reminder of great things; how you are and bla bla. It’s all an attempt to get in your good graces.
Now understand; if the person were interested from the beginning in more than a game that person would know how things are because that person would never have let you go in the first place. Do not be deceived to the circumstances because the facts remain. You were let go.
The other thing to take note of is when those pesky texts come in. If they are late night well; what on earth might that mean? Gee; are you worth nothing more than that? Did that person’s last conquest end so you are first on the thought list when drunk? Isn’t that special? Of course if you are a man you may be thinking ‘Great. I’m on the list!’ For women it’s probably an insult so be wise to what is really going on and examine what placement you are going to allow yourself to be in someone else’s life.
Bottom line is that there are always people who want to explore but not commit; fly away for other exploration and then return to you the better one. If you are the one that people do this to then you are the watering hole. If you are fine with always be second or third option great; but my guess is that you are a man and woman of more value and worth being the first and only option. Don’t you think?
Maybe you remember it; it was the called ‘conversation’. People did it at neighbors homes, at the park; in line at the grocery store. It’s time to reclaim it; unless it’s too late.
If you are one who relishes the time when getting to know someone meant a face to face interaction you are in good company. If you remember phone calls you are in good company. It seems now; nothing is face to face nor is it even verbal. While many of you gadget lovers out there may say I am old fashioned know that there are still some things you can’t do through texting; and those that you can do may not be the best. Let me break it down:
1-Read non verbal communication. Studies still reveal that 93% of daily communication is nonverbal. You are missing the truth of what someone is saying when you get away from the face-to face conversation.
2- Build intimate relationships: Yes I am aware people may argue this but how many people are actually getting engaged and celebrating their weddings through texting?
3- Grow business. A few years ago my then hair stylist thought it was a good idea to communicate all of her advertising, appointments; and other pertinent information via text. Needless to say that didn’t last long! If you idea of business is without ever having a conversation you may want to reflect as to whether or not you should even be in business.
4- Get a job. Sure you may be able to text 957,302 words per minute but so what? Can you actually answer the question in the interview, ‘how do you resolve conflict’ without needing to look down to text it? Effective communication skills are really a vital skill regardless of your texting abilities. Want a promotion? I’m sure that too will require ability to speak to others. Ironically; did you know that the two skills college graduates lack that employers want above all are written and verbal communication skills?
Some other things that aren’t the best are:
1- Texting while driving. Duh-big red truck. Just the other day I was driving and looked to my right and immediately felt I was in a scene from the Bourne series as the driver was driving a vehicle that came from Goa and portrayed the demeanor of those in that car chase scene. He was flamboyantly carrying on his texting conversation and the ‘oops’ hit the car in front of him. Good thing we were parked at a light right? Well; not necessarily. There was no damage so the driver let him off and then guess what- the next light- he almost did it again. It’s apparent that the wake-up call for some needs to be a bit louder to get the message. Let’s hope that people like this drive into walls instead of other cars so as not to hurt or kill innocent people.
2- Texting while walking. If you ever go to Wal-Mart you probably know the parking lot is a dangerous place. Why on earth people would dare to walk through any Wal-Mart parking lot while texting is crazy! Two young people were almost run over because it never occurred to them to look up when walking.
3- Acquiring a girlfriend or boyfriend. If the purpose of dating is to get to know someone; if the belief is that texting only to build a relationship is going to work this could be a reason why you are single. Texting may work to coordinate plans but if no one ever picks up the phone to have a conversation; how far is that relationship actually going to go? For many women; if a man is not able to dial the number and call her she will lose interest quicker than the Cowboys lose a football game. (Sorry but it’s true!)
To to the art of the conversation it’s quite simple. Check it out:
1- Put down the phone. Isn’t the person you want to get to know more important than your germ infested phone?
2- Look at the person. Doesn’t the person giving you his or her time at least deserve that?
3- Listen. Yes this is a tricky one since people have lost ability to do that since they text so much. Listen is where you show eye contact, paraphrase what the person is saying, ask questions; respond. You will be amazed to what you learn from focusing on something and not some gadget.
4- Recognize that that could be the last time you ever see that person again. See friends; we take too much for granted. We have lost our way and it’s terribly sad. We as a society have become so engrossed in all the things unimportant that what is most important and waiting for us is just ignored. How many of you have people you have lost in your life that you would love to have back? I’m sure there are many that would as their lives were gone much too soon. We can learn that lesson from Paul Walker who was recently laid to rest.
None of have any guarantees of life after this very moment. You may have the coolest phone but wouldn’t you prefer to have the coolest friends and the coolest memories with them? I know I do! I would venture to say that getting time with them and having conversation is probably the best first step to take. It’s not that you are building memories staring at your screen while your chin falls lower each day. You can though; be building those memories of time spent together having meaningful conversations. So go now; and use your phone for something productive and schedule time with someone!
At lunch recently with a friend; her son told her that he always knows when she is listening to him. She looked at him and asked ‘really? How so?’ His reply, ‘Mommy, you always stop what you are doing and look at me.’ Profound isn’t it; that a five year old understands better than most adults.
Listening is the one skill that changes relationships quicker than any other in the area of communication. When people listen; the doors of communication open in ways unimaginable. What is sad is that people are more interested in listening to respond instead of listening to listen.
A few signs of good listeners are:
1- They remove technology distractions. Good listeners know that if the phone is even on vibrate it may ring which would be a distraction. They know that the computer, tablet; or television are also distractions. They are turned off so that the focus is only on the speaker. There will always be a tweet but only one opportunity to listen to what someone is saying at that exact moment in time.
2- They indicate non-verbally. Indicators of good listeners are eye contact, learning forward; and nodding. Good listeners focus on the person speaking and are engaged in the communication process bother verbally as well as nonverbally. They are not slouched in their seats looking for the fire escape.
3- They are mentally prepared. They remove the distractions, set the time aside; and are ready to give to someone who is speaking. There is nothing else that would be a disruption from what will take place at that given time. There may be a few things to cross off the list like returning phone calls beforehand, eating; or whatever else is proves to be a distraction although taking the steps to remove those first will only lead to better listening in the end.
4- They paraphrase and ask questions. Paraphrasing what someone is saying is a great technique because it reveals what yes the intended message was received or that it wasn’t. Good listeners want to ensure that they are not missing anything said. By asking questions good listeners get the clarification needed while also sharing with the person speaking that they were paying attention.
Being a good listener takes effort. It requires focus on others instead of self. It is getting beyond only wanting to pay attention when the topic is of personal interest. It is abandonment to self for the benefit of others. It is about giving in ways that most people don’t think of. It is about being silent. After all the same letters that spell ‘listen’ also spell ‘silent’. Coincidence? I think not!
If you have ever been in the online dating arena maybe you’ve experienced it. In your in-box is s message telling you that you are a *(&&&*(() weirdo for not responding to an email quick enough, that you are prude for not meeting for sex; or that because you are a Christian not wanting to date a non-Christian it goes awry.
What do you do? Do you allow it? Defend yourself? Report it to the dating site? All of the above?
A few things to think about and steps to follow:
1-Report it to the dating site if warranted. You may have to search the site for the ‘help’ link as every dating site has a help section with a link to send your email. You can share the contents of the email and the username but do be aware that there are privacy policies in place to protect everyone so they may not be able to inform the sender that his or her behavior is not appropriate or abusive. You may also want to save a copy of the email in your personal files in case you need to get the police involved. You only need to file the complaint with the dating site if you are threatened so be prudent in this decision. If someone is just a jerk that is different than a threat upon your life.
2- Let it go. Challenging? Yes. If someone sends you a personal attack do not respond. Why? Engagement is fuel for the fire. Just like puppies; any attention is attention. Your response will only fuel the fire and if the person is a narcissist or has full blown NPD he or she will only have to continue to debate, position himself or herself to be right; have the last work and dominate you. Let it go and move on to someone who respects you.
3. Character concern. People reveal who they are in what they write. If the person believes it’s acceptable to personally attack you for what you believe or won’t do; it’s a huge red flag. If a person suggests you hide behind your Christianity because you do not want to debate doctrine; then what does that really say? You and your opinion are not respected, you have no value; and that the person is not interested in anything other than proving his or her point. What would happen if you were to ever meet? If you ever had a disagreement? If someone calls you names like pompous and challenges what you believe, tells you that while you are educated you really are not or that you evade truth because you don’t share in the same beliefs; that character is cause for concern to be around. If you are in pursuit of someone to love and be loved by would that person who says such things be a wise choice for companionship or marriage? There is never a reason to condemn someone and you need to recognize that it won’t change if you were to meet’ regardless of what the pictures look like.
4- Know your worth. You do not ever have to tolerate someone dis-respecting you. Ever. You have too much value and too much to give to someone who deserves is. If someone sends you an email that is critical, rude, mean, negative; or name calling then don’t tolerate it. There is never a reason to let anyone diminish who you are; especially someone who is hiding behind a computer screen and shows complete lack of class for who they are and for you.
Bottom line is that online dating may have benefits; it doesn’t mean that you have to give your time to those not worthy of it. There are many predators out there who have the sole purpose of causing pain. Sad but true. Focus on your end result goal. If someone does not measure up to what you want; it’s no big deal. Not everyone is a match for everyone. You have absolutely no reason to defend what you believe, want or who you are. Who you are my friend, is enough for someone who is looking exactly for you.
Want to continue to conversation. Check me out at www.facebook.com/1julieblair
Dating is a time to get to know someone else. It’s a time for enjoying the company of someone and determining whether that person is someone you would want to learn more about and get to know. The catch is that in our society of selfishness, self focusedness and selfies it’s become more difficult to get away of the ‘I’ focus. If you are the center of your world and have no pets, no kids and no plants; or anything besides yourself it’s a tough lesson to learn. Some things that may cause you from getting past the first date may be some of the ‘I’ items that may be getting in your way. These include:
1- Focus too much on your education. Sure you went to Princeton but so what? What else is there?
2- Focus on all the places you have traveled to. It’s nice you have traveled the world but what does that have to do with the person listening?
3- Focus on all the name dropping of all the famous people you know. What does you knowing famous people have to do with anything?
4- Focus on the titles you have had in your career. Your title may only imply you are more interested in titles than developing who you are without them.
5- Focus on all the stuff you have collected and car you drive. It’s nice you have toys and shoes but what else is there beyond spending money on things that simply depreciate?
If you are out to meet someone else yet spend more time talking about yourself all it reveals is that you are:
1- Trying to prove something.
5- Not interested in the person you are with or getting to know that person.
You see it’s one thing to share who you are but yet if you spend the entire time selling yourself as to why you are so wonderful yet forget to ask a single question about the person you are there to get to then what is there? How possible is it to get to know someone else if you only share how wonderful you are? What really can you expect if you leave without knowing anything about the person you were just with?
It can be a challenge to get to know someone so just ask yourself how much of what you talk about is you focused compared on others focus? Getting away from what you think is going to sell you to simply sharing who you are will get you much further than you think. I challenge you today to ask yourself, ‘Who am I?’ instead of ‘What am I?’ and go from there. I’m curious to know that beyond what you have. Aren’t you?
I bet there is no where in America where one can look and not see someone who has laid down his life for another. There just isn’t. This is what America is. It is the land of free because of those who stand and fight for it. It was not built by a bunch of pansies. Not this country. This is a country founded by men who did not bow to anyone; ever. The men and women that fought and fight for this country are better than that. It’s a shame that the leader of the free world doesn’t see that or follow in the steps thereof.
On this day it can not be forgotten or any day for that matter. Every day it can not be said enough ‘Thank You” for the sacrifice you have made. Thank you for the life you have chosen so that we Americans may have ours. Thank you for the home cooked meals you have given up. Thank you for the time you have missed with your family and friends. Thank you for enduring the heartache for those you have lost. Thank you for the rocks and dirt you slept on in the heat to protect us at home while we slept quietly in our beds. Thank you for your determination. Thank you for the cuts, scrapes, bruises, surgeries, dis-figuration and loss of limbs you experienced on our behalf. Thank you for the fighting spirit and courage. Thank you that because of your selflessness we can choose to be as selfish as we desire by burning the very flag that represents what you fight for us to keep. Thank you for the heartbreak you have endured by what you have survived. Thank you for the bravery, courage; and strength that you have shown to stand for this great nation. Thank you for who you are.
Thank you to Veterans from many wars and to the rest of you that I don’t know or can’t think of off the top of my head: Steve Tassio Navy Vietnam, Jim Richmond Vietnnam, Don Shepherd Vietnam, Joe Carrano Desert Storm, Tony Hyatt Desert Storm(deceased), Shannon Smith Army, Tim Cord Marines, Dan Cord Marines, Dan Jarmon Marines, Phil Snyder Marines, Steve Blackman Iraq, Curtis Zachary Iraq, Royal Wayne Iraq, Keifer Fiveash Army, Bobby Bridgewater Navy, Patti Knight USAF, Steve Vogel USAF, Dave Hilary Army, Lewish Burwell Puller Jr. Marines, John McCain Navy, Chris Gomez Navy SEAL, Joel Lambert Navy SEAL, Talon Smith Navy, Wes Clar 4 Star General, Si Roberton Navy, LT Michael P. Murphy US Navy SEAL, Brent Gleeson US Navy SEAL, Grady Powell, Austin Bridgewater National Guard, Dan Johnson Army, Samuel K Navy, Chris Kyle Sniper Navy SEAL (deceased, Chad Littlefield Navy, Samuel Keerikoolparn Navy, Gary Schultz, James F. Grisson Army, Michael Mansoor Navy SEAL (deceased), Chad Almy USMC, Craig Davis Army, Jeff Todoroff Army, Nick Schnieder Army, Steven Speeces USN/USCG, Nate Perry USAF and many millions more that I do not have listed.
You are the men and women who have more guts than the average, more determination than those that dream for it; and those who risk with no reward. You are the very definition of what a hero is and I along with millions of others say Thank You.
All images belong to their various owners.
Fool me once shame on you; fool me twice you know the deal. Shame on me right? Does everyone deserve second chances? Are there any who are more or less deserving? After all it was Peter who betrayed Jesus and he was given a second chance? Should the same be for everyone in every situation? Let’s explore.
Everyone makes mistakes. There is no way around this. We all are ignorant and do things we regret or perhaps don’t regret but just didn’t think through that clearly. In marriage; one obviously has to be forgiving else how can there be an expectation of even staying married? Do you give someone who has an affair a second chance? There are plenty who say ‘absolutely not!’ while others find that they are able to get past it.
What about in dating? Are second chances worth it? It’s different than in marriage because dating brings an entirely different myriad of issues and if you are the one giving too many chances then will you get just walked all over before getting to the altar.
People are who they are they are when you meet them. Ladies pay attention to that! Men; you too. People are who they are when you meet them. Now they may be nervous; but their character is pretty representative of who they are. You don’t need to question daily your first impression now do you? So it begs the question: how many chances does one get in dating to profess their love to you when they attempt to stomp on you before you simply say ‘no thank you’.
Perhaps if more people up front thought about the manner in which they treat people and were not so selfish; there would be less things to be needing chances for. The good news is that it’s great character building! Perhaps if people paid attention in the first place they wouldn’t put themselves in such they wouldn’t continue to get walked on; but is that really true? It’s hard to know something you don’t know and unfortunately; you can’t know it until you know it.
The question is: when are people going to see the reality and step up and for their value?
It is no different than if someone starts to build a relationship with another who deems it appropriate to dump via text and then later returns for apology- but does it via text. How ironic eh? Do you accept it? Why or why not? Do you think that the change of heart is true? Of course it depends on the situation and the person but bottom line is that it takes more consideration than just a flipid response.
People will show you who they are if your eyes are open. Whether or not you accept the apology and forgive is one thing; but walking right back into it is quite another. Would anything change? Perhaps; but that isn’t the real issue. The real thing to understand isn’t the fact that someone gets dumped via text. That’s miniscule in the big scheme of things. It’s the character of the person who does it that is more telling. It’s the lack of respect shown to another that is more telling. It’s the fact that people deserve more than to be treated with disrepect; regardless of what your name is.
When living life the most important thing that people will remember about you is your character. What does it reveal to others? Of course everyone makes mistakes. There is no way around this. The thing is when you do make mistakes; what do you do about it? That- right there in and of itself is what will be shown more than anything about who you are. If you want people to think different of you then perhaps behaving like it would be a nice start.
While society appears to be progressing in some ways; others are still as oppressive and objectifying as they always have been. There has been a lot of buzz today about the dating ‘tips’ for women in 1938. The first I found was in msn and everywhere else; as if we need more things for women to and do not do. Isn’t laundry, working, taking of the kids, looking beautiful everywhere she goes, managing the finances and working out enough? I guess not? We need a good reminder of what the proper dating tips were in case we forgot or are are out of line with our behavior. In case we are unable to get a date these apparently are good reminders. Never mind the fact that they are all directed toward women and what women should do. Never mind the fact that through numerous searches how men should treat women isn’t examined. Interesting.
How was dating in 1938? Well; my best guess is better than today. If I did know from first hand experience I would look beyond fabulous for my age! Today there are more options and the click of a button allows men to just skip you like the car driving by. Yes of course women do the same so it’s fair game but the point is the behavior of society has changed. Let’s examine what the appropriate behaviors for women were in the 1930’s.
Ladies listen up as you may learn something; or just get irritated but I digress:
1-Careless women never appeal to gentlemen. Who wants to take that home to mom? Careless I’m sure in the 1930’s may have meant something different; although there are I’m sure some similarities that can be useful. It’s only in the movies that the loose prostitute ends up with the wealthy man.
2- If you need a brassiere, wear one. Let’s just go with the fact you do. Done. Make it simple for the rest of the women out there and just wear one; or stay home.
3-Don’t be sentimental.” Don’t get him to be emotional and talk about his feelings. Men don’t like tears; especially in public. Yes it’s just whatever the man wants because after all; he has to decide whether or not he likes you. Never mind the fact that you have a brain and the options to choose if he is worthy of you right? There is more about the history of where this not talking about stuff came from but that is for another time.
4- Don’t be familiar with your escort. Open affection is in bad taste. Interesting that men are considered the escort but when Heidi Fliess did it the tables were turned. Bottom line is don’t touch him. Forget those love languages folks! That means nothing. What if he touches you? Do you ignore him? Oh never mind we are only focused on what the woman are to do; how soon I forget.
5- Please and flatter your date by talking about the things he wants to talk about. In other words you are there for the purpose of him and his needs. You ladies have none. You are only there to be what he needs because you have no other purpose. And then we wonder why the feminist movement is so strong? We can see that Jesus never treated women in such this manner to require this type of treatment. How far have we come that women are to just be interested in the existence of men; and possibly their football game?
6- Don’t be familiar with the headwaiter talking about the fun you had with someone else another time. Men desire, deserve your entire attention. Oh by the way; taking a lady to Hooters and then checking out the waitresses isn’t cool either. Your date desires and deserves your attention. Just saying.
7- Don’t drink too much, as a man expects you to keep your dignity all evening. Drinking may make some women clever, but most get silly. Ladies don’t behave like this as they are a bit wiser than this. Wouldn’t this tie in to #1 with being careless? Perhaps it should be written gents don’t get your lady drunk in order to pull a fast one on her? How about that for a tip? Maybe?
8- Don’t sit in awkward positions and never look bored. Be alert and if you must chew gum, (not advised) do it silently, mouth closed. Then don’t talk about football! Pick something like hockey or Duke basketball; or firearms. This just reminds me of the some woman pandering the Dos Equis man just because he thinks he is interesting! Never mind the fact that God created women with a brain right and that it takes brains to pretend to be interested. Women have been doing this for far too long without men even noticing; isn’t the ceiling beige after all?
9- Don’t talk while dancing. Ladies again; be quiet. What’s great though is the fact that men knew how to dance. How many today can say that? Yes I know you west coast swingers out there do but you are a small part of the population. Perhaps that should be a dating tip for men in current time: learn to dance. Put away the PS3 and learn some moves. Ladies; recognize he may want you silent because he has to concentrate on his steps. That counts for more than you realize!
10 – The last straw is to pass out from too much liquor. Chances are your date will never call you again. Well; after having to go through all that who would care if he called or not? It’s a lot of work just to sit there and be quiet!
As we can see that through the years there has been much expected of women. While some things on the list perhaps may be funny and outdated; when you look beyond the list it’s the expectation of women to be objectified and spend a lot of time and effort to be so. It still continues today it just costs women more than it used to. Now it’s not to say all men do this to women as we know this isn’t true although it’s true of society in general.
Until we get above it all it will continue. My best bet is that you would rather be a woman with a good heart than one who may talk while dancing. My best bet men is that you would rather have a good woman who has a life and doesn’t live to listen to you just say your day was ‘fine’- every day. My best bet is that when both men and women have their hearts in the right place that the rules of behaviors won’t need to be written. The question is: will this ever happen?
It’s ironic that both men and woman say the same thing about each other: ‘We just don’t understand them”. This would make sense since men are not women and women are not men. Sure there are some that say men are from Mars and women from Venus but that would mean you would have to actually go there to know this; and how many men would take that journey? In order to get it you have to get beyond yourself and of course we go go back to where it all started with Adam and Eve; but that isn’t the examination of this article today. Perhaps another time.
To help men understand women and grasp where the oh so crazy ideas are coming from it will be explained in simple terms; not because men are stupid but because simplicity is best. Here we go:
1- Women take what men say literally. What does this mean? Well gents; if you tell a woman something like, ‘you are beautiful’ or ‘I will be home in about an hour’ that is what she is working with. If you say something like, ‘We’ll go on a road trip to Austin. You will love it’ the woman will listen to the action of what you said. If you tell her you are going to call then guess that? She is expecting a phone call. Otherwise; why would you say it? Note if you are a liar then we need not say more but again- who would tell the truth about that?
If you compliment her, then kiss her at the end of the date and tell her you will call her- and then don’t you have just done more damage than you know. It’s a triple whammie! Not only now are you the liar, but why would you kiss her if you didn’t like and why would you say you would call if you have no intention of doing so? See guys; what this does is mess it up for the next guy who comes along.
Just as I wrote to woman that their behavior sets the stage for those who follow and the same thing here. If you don’t follow through and give her the wrong impression then she is going to wonder what is so wrong with her and what she did wrong. Now she may have done nothing wrong which is why you complimented her, kissed her and said you would call but that isn’t it. She is going to internalize that she did something wrong because you didn’t follow up. She is left not knowing a single thing other than it was a big farce. Then when the next man comes along; she most likely hasn’t forgotten what the last one did and now with you she is more on guard than she ever was. By you being honest you will save yourself, the men who come after you; and he ladies as well.
You may ask ‘how do I get around saying I will call when I know I won’t’? Well; don’t tell her that you will. Just tell her you had a nice time and leave it at that. This way; when she calls her girl friends a couple days later to complain that ‘you didn’t call’ her friends will ask ‘did he say he would call?’ and she can say ‘No. He didn’t.’ While she may be hurt at least the truth would be out instead of her having the statement ‘he said he would call’ and ‘he just proved he’s a liar’ to work with.
I know and have heard from some men that honesty is not the best policy here but let me just tell you from personal experience: I would much prefer the truth than a lie. I once went on a fabulous 3 hour lunch followed by a spontaneous movie with a man and it was awesome! Every single thing about it was better than any date in the previous 9 years and then nothing. No call, nothing. I was left not knowing anything. To have not been told he would call would have been much easier to swallow than hearing he would and not knowing why he didn’t. Take it from me; women may not like the fact you don’t call but at least you were honest and women can respect that. You wouldn’t be a jerk you would just be a man who didn’t call. Do you see the difference?
2- Compliments mean something. When a man compliments a woman it’s a beautiful thing. In case you haven’t noticed; women go out of their way to look good for you. Some even starve themselves or enlarge their chest just to feel better about themselves so that you guys will take note. Short skirts, high high heels, makeup; need I say more. Yes in this instance much of it all about you. (We won’t talk about how some women do it for other women in this post.) When you compliment a woman she hears it and it is affirming; but now if do nothing to follow it it then it’s a big blow to her ego. Let me explain: if you go out with a woman and tell her how beautiful she is then why wouldn’t you want to go out with her? If you tell her that ‘she is the perfect package’ then what is the issue that you don’t want to continue to go out with her? Do you see how this ties in to #1.
3- Over-complimenting is creepy. Giving a compliment is one thing but over-complimenting is something else. Sure it’s nice to hear ‘You are beautiful’ ‘I love your mind’ ‘I love your curves’ and so on but if all you do is give compliments one after another after another after…. you will leave her wondering what is wrong with you. She also will become more reserved because you will come off as a smooth salesman who just says the right things because he thinks it’s what a woman wants to hear as opposed to it being genuine. If you use compliments to get them back; that too will be a trap because she may be as smooth in that area as you are. She may give them in other ways and if you listen not only with your ears but your eyes too you will get much more.
4- Telling women you enjoy touching them in a first date is scary. If it’s a first date and you are unsure what she thinks of you; don’t tell her that touching her makes you feel good. You have just freaked her out! If you then couple it with ‘my love language is touch’ then now you are just sly. You are using The 5 Love Languages to justify getting what you want from her and that guys; does not make it ok. What she hears is ‘I get off on touching you’ which is extremely uncomfortable. It also tells her that you are more interested in how ‘you’ feel than how she does and you are now selfish and only interested in yourself. A big red flag! Now in other situations where you already know her that can be great but on a first date she is thinking she needs to take a shower to get the filth off.
5- Talking about the type of women you date tells more than you realize. Everyone has a past. Period. There is no way around this unless you are 12; and even some out there have major stories. Talking about women you have gone out with is one thing; but if you share things like, ‘oh this doctor I went out with’ or ‘that model I went out with had the longest legs’ then guess what? Good for you! If they were so great why are you not with them now? What is your point in sharing that with a woman? If you tell her you have or do date married women- then what does that say about you? There are some things that need not be shared in the beginning as it is only intel women will use to size you up. It would be similar to the woman you are trying to impress sharing with you that her last boyfriends were billionaires. Can you compete with that? No more than she can thinks she can compete with the long model legs. You still don’t want to hear it any more than she does. Also take note that she would be focusing on the type of women as in title and looks while you would be focusing on the money factor so why bring in something unnecessary. She isn’t going to want to get naked any time soon if all she is now thinking is that you want out with a model. The time is about each of you and not other people.
6- Women work within time perimeters. This is a tricky one and if you get this it will help you much. Women work within time constructs and most men don’t get that. Yes most women don’t get that men have no time line which yes is an issue for everyone. You see; women do work within time frames and for great reasons. It’s typically women who manage the household, make 80% of the decisions, go to work, take care of the kids; and pick up your dry cleaning and do your laundry while making sure dinner is ready. If there were no time frame of anything what would get done? Women need time to get ready for a date with you which again; time factor. It isn’t about putting you in a box but rather them having something to work with. Things need to be done in a certain time frame for women and that is because women plan more than men. It’s not a negative or positive just something to help you understand why women are time focused. If you say you will be home an an hour; she is expecting you home in an hour. If you want to know what she is doing in that hour? Getting the last of her work done, running two errands, freshening up, cleaning up; and perhaps preparing dinner or something else for you. You not showing up is infuriating because she could have done the other ‘3’ errands she needed to but didn’t, continued working on another project; and prepared something different than what she originally had planned based upon the time you gave her. Do you see it now?
7- Titles and labels aren’t traps. When a woman asks what is it that you are doing together and what it ‘is’ it doesn’t mean she is trying to trap you. It’s that she just wants to know. Some men think that women are so devious in their thinking that women just spend all day thinking of how they can trap a man they like into giving them a title. Why would women do that? Don’t say because they are crazy because women could say the same thing! Women work more on definites than abstracts. Giving something a definition doesn’t mean your life is over! If you think this then perhaps you should not be going out with her, or her, or her; or her or her. If you drive a car you have no issue calling it that so if you are dating a woman who happens to ask if you are just dating or exclusive don’t freak out. If you happen to date the ones that do then possibly it’s something to look into. She doesn’t want to marry you tomorrow. You see; gone are the days where women ‘need’ a man to have an identity. You may not know it or not but women do have their own social security numbers now. If they have identity in Christ; then rest in that too.
8- Pay attention to her body language. This is huge gents. If you start paying attention to her body language you will get it. If you ask her ‘honey what’s wrong’ and she says nothing but won’t look at you- it’s a clue. 93% of communication daily is nonverbal. The cues and clues are all there but if you are too busy focusing on the fact she talks too much you will miss everything she is telling you; and what a shame that would be! If you want a woman who doesn’t talk- then go date a man. Who knows what you may be missing out on by not listening and paying attention to the woman you are with?? If you move in close to her on a first date and she moves away it’s a clue. Don’t go in closer as you will only then push her further away and your second date will never happen; and your first is ending sooner than you may want. Women need time to absorb information. This is why women window shop every store of the mall; they gather information. You men; can walk in and buy and be done in 30 seconds. If you meet a woman and try it your way going in for the kill so quick you will end up dead in the water! Women are always communicating and if you pay attention to it you will get much more than you realize. I challenge you to start today!
9- Her wanting to be married doesn’t mean to you. There are always things women should not talk about; so says men and ‘some’ dating coaches. Here is the deal on this one though: just because a woman wants to be married some day really doesn’t have anything to do with you. If you tell her you want a sports car should she run because she is going to think that you are expecting it from her? When you hear what she wants understand that it may or may not have anything to do with you. If you take the time to listen to the rest of what she has to say instead of freaking out; you will know much more and not have to order that extra scotch. Yes it’s clear that most men hear marriage and they run because they can’t imagine themselves married or that they aren’t sure if they would be in position to marry her- and on it goes but relax. She may not even be into you and you into her so why run after 30 seconds?
10- Her wanting kids doesn’t mean with you. This is a tricky one because like with marriage; it’s been said that this is also something else that women shouldn’t talk about. Now that is fine and I’m not saying to start the first date with ‘I want to be married and have kids- with you’ as that is a big red flag. On the other hand; knowing this information can be to your advantage. You may not want kids but perhaps your best friend does. Set her up with your best friend and when they get married you will be the hero! Again; just because a woman wants kids means nothing more than this. She has no idea if you would be that person any more than you know if you would want to be that person! Now yes there are those women who at first thought believe you are their savior; and you need to be on watch for this and ask yourself why you are in that position in the first place.
11- Sex means something to women. Sex may just mean sex to men but for women it’s different. Yes we all know that women create intimacy through talking (clue guys) and men through sex. Here is the thing: if you try to skip talking to her and move straight to sex without passing go, collecting 200 or anything else you are not getting it. Every time you have sex with a woman you are creating new soul ties. Those soul ties last and getting yourself entangled with a bunch of women sexually is a big trap. Sure it may just be ‘sex’ for you but for those women there is the emotional connection and when they have sex it does have much meaning behind it. If you are not interested in that woman in an intimate way; don’t use her for sex because you can. She doesn’t deserve it any more than you do a woman freaking out after the fact. Best to protect yourself and not engage. Sure that can be a challenge but there are consequences and what man wants their rabbit boiled?
11- It isn’t always about you. I know this is tough. After all you are a man. You are a good man. You are attractive. You are intelligent. You are a handyman at home. You are a high income earner. You are strong. You are charming. You are witty. Why wouldn’t it be about you? Well; it just isn’t. There are times in life when it is not about you and has nothing to do with you. It took me a long time to get that revelation that it wasn’t about me. It was huge! Once I realized that when a man says he will call and doesn’t that it wasn’t about me. I couldn’t figure that out; just being honest. Once it hit me that I was wasting time allowing myself to be hurt over some man that didn’t want to interact with me for a reason I didn’t know I was free! Him not calling had nothing to do with me- but I was sure it had ‘everything’ to do with me! In your case; it isn’t always about you either. Internalizing it and making it about you just keeps you the center of everything. To this I say; get over yourself! You will be glad you did. Now I know many of you reading this may argue and say ‘it is about me. I’m always in the doghouse’ and bla bla but then ask yourself what it is that you are doing to get and keep you there. I can’t answer that one in specifics as it could be a myriad of things. Not only this; with women you really have no idea so you have to be the investigator and solve that one for you.
So you see; there is a lot to understand. Women aren’t as complicated as you may think. It’s just that it takes time to get to know them and put down the remote or turn off the motorcycle to pay more attention and you will get there. The hope is that this insight will help maneuver through your dating and mating world to get the results that you are looking for. My best guess is that you want less drama, a healthy or healthier relationship with more sex; and a life with happiness. You can get it all if you just open your eyes a little more.
In a flip flipped world it’s hard to know what to do. The feminist movement really messed things up for both ladies and gents. How you ask? Well; the role reversal keeps everyone confused.
It used to be that a man asked a woman out. He made the plans and picked her up to take her on the date. He greeted her at the door with flowers, opened the car door; and paid for the date. He was a gentleman. He may or may not go in for the kiss at the end of the night; but that was left to anticipation. Now; that isn’t what occurs.
Instead; we are left with women making the charge and doing it all. Hail to the women out there! Who needs to wait for a man to ask her out? What woman has the time? ‘Ain’t nobody got time for that’! Why let a man open the car door? Can’t he see how large her biceps and triceps are? Can’t he just sit there and let her show off her billfold and pay too? I am woman- hear me roar!
It’s an interesting thing really because if men treated women like the men they behave like we would have a revolution! Most women certainly would not like it and the level of harassment cases would skyrocket. Not only this; most men don’t want to date men. Sure there are those that do but you get where I am going with this.
So this leads me to ask: what is up with the chase? What is up with men enjoying being men and women being men?
I used to think that feminism was the issue; however, it’s much much deeper than this. I will share more once I am finished with my research; it’s taking a while.
Today; it’s the question of the chase. Why ladies; not let the man chase? Why not enjoy it? It seems that with the women doing all the chasing that men are left with nothing to do. Women text, call, make the plans, put out on the first or third date- and then complain he won’t commit. Commit to what? A smothering woman who doesn’t understand him? Can you imagine all the deer and elk just walking up to the hunters and bowing their heads to them to be shot with that oh so beautiful .35 Whelen bolt action? Of course not right? They run so they can get caught! Men go out and do what they do- hunt! Ladies it’s time for you to get caught. How about that?
If you meet that wonderful man who says he will call; give him a chance. Give him the chance to follow through. Give him the chance to be the man. Give him the chance to realize that you are different. Give him the chance to hunt. Give him the chance to show you that he is interested. Give him the chance to show you he is the man.
You don’t want to blow it by taking control. You don’t want to blow it by being over aggressive. You don’t want to blow it by taking away the time he needs to get in place to call you. Why overpower him to get what you want when you want it?
Is it difficult? Of course it is! There is the anticipation of knowing that just yesterday you have had an absolutely fantastic time with him. It was beyond what you ever had planned for your day. You loved how good he smelled, the twinkle in his eye; and how he studied you like a beautiful painting. You loved every minute of it. You loved how inspiring the conversation was; his boyish charm was and just how his personality shines like nothing you have ever seen before. You loved how he brushed his leg against yours at the table with a soft smile. You loved how he took your hand in his during the movie and how awesome it made you feel. All of it was just perfect.
He ended the night with a kiss that was just right. He said he would call. That was it. He said he would call.
Why not believe him? Why not just from that point on go about your life and know that you are who you are and that you are ok with it. You are a good woman with value. Remember; your identity is not made up of a man that you just met. Your identity is much more than this. Those of who you have identity in Christ relish in that. You are a child of the most high God and that is all you need.
Be patient. He will call. He will. Sometimes it may take longer than you like; but remember it isn’t always about you. Give him a chance. You will be glad you did. And if for some reason he doesn’t call; you still have your identity and know who you are. See; no matter of how good of a woman you are you will never be enough for a man who is not ready. You are still fabulous. You are the winner either way. Final thoughts ladies: don’t be a woman who needs a man; be a woman a man needs. You both will be glad you are!