Religion makes people funny. Just think about that. How many conversations get heated over the topic of religion? How many lives are lost because of religion? How many countries in war are lost because of religion? We can see it no more clear today than in previous generations and yet here we are. Forgiveness one day shall reign where brothers and sisters may be able to disagree and still walk together; maybe? Perhaps in a utopia world where Sharia law exists right? And so it goes people want what they want yet still live lives of unforgiveness and wonder why nothing changes. Unforgiveness is an issue of the heart. Period. With a hardened heart no good fruit grows.
In North Carolina, USA students homework assignment answers share that Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world and that Muslims are more faithful than Christians. Do you believe that? You can read about that here: http://dailysignal.com/2014/11/13/mom-questions-school-portraying-muslims-faithful-christians/) And Islam is a religion of peace and Christianity is not; or should it be switched around? It depends on who you ask and then of course will you ever get the right answer because everyone has their own perception of what is right or wrong and therefore; one never really knows anything right?
Around the world there is devastation. The Jewish people suffer persecution. Those in Ukraine are suffering because of a religious war. People in India are suffering. Americans, Canadians, French; are suffering. Christians everywhere are suffering. Muslims are suffering; else why would they do what they do? But then again; why do wicked people anywhere do what they do? People’s hearts and souls are burning daily and yet; they acknowledge it not.
Until people recognize that religion doesn’t save nothing will change. No organization can save a person. It just can’t. The government of China won’t save people. The government of Russia won’t save people. The American government as an entity won’t save people. It is up to each individual person to look in the mirror and reflect inward. Until people see that it isn’t about any religion but rather a relationship with a Creator nothing will change. Until the heart of each person is softened nothing will change. Until forgiveness enters the lives of every person to see the true value and meaning and purpose of life; not one single thing will change. Until the minds of people are renewed; nothing will change. It can’t.
The good news is that you, dear reader, can be that change. It starts with you. It starts with me. What can you do today to begin the change in the world? Your silent acceptance is continuing the pattern. What voice do you have that you can use to change your life, your family, and your nation? What do you have in your heart that begin the change that is desperately needed? Is there forgiveness in there? If you have a heart I believe that there is; it’s just hidden. Uncover yourself, rid yourself of religion, get into a relationship with He who came to set the captives free and you will see the miracles, signs and wonders that will follow.
There is a misconception about forgiveness. There always is. Many in the Church say there isn’t a lot on the topic; yet there is. Many think that forgiveness just means restoration and reconciliation; yet this too is a fallacy. Forgiveness yes restores one with the Father; however, there is much otherwise that it does not mean or do. So the question is: does forgiveness automatically mean restoration? Nope.
I used to believe it did. I used to think that once I forgave someone or someone forgave me that the relationship would be restored and all would be good. Makes sense right? That is until I came across Psalm 85. Then I saw what I believed for too long to be wrong. Check this out:
1You, Lord, showed favor to your land;
you restored the fortunes of Jacob.
2 You forgave the iniquity of your people
and covered all their sins.[b]
3 You set aside all your wrath
and turned from your fierce anger.
4 Restore us again, God our Savior,
and put away your displeasure toward us.
5 Will you be angry with us forever?
Will you prolong your anger through all generations?
6 Will you not revive us again,
that your people may rejoice in you?
7 Show us your unfailing love, Lord,
and grant us your salvation.
If you look closely in verse 1 it is clear that the fortunes of Jacob were restored. Got it. But keep reading. Stop at verse 4. Notice it was an ask for restoration. It is not automatic. It simply is not. You need to look no further although you really do.
See; when you forgive someone with an expectation of anything you are setting yourself up for something that perhaps you will not receive. Restoration is not automatic. I once was there thinking that forgiveness meant restoration and it was rather painful to be on the end of not receiving it. It was like purchasing a plane ticket and then learning that the ability to sit in the seat was a separate price.
If your relationships are not where you are expecting them to be through the process of forgiveness; it could be that you have not yet reached the level of restoration with the situation, the people; and the pain involved. Forgiveness is a process and so is restoration. They may come together but not always. Don’t trap yourself into expectations of anything other than being committed to the entire process for further fulfillment in your life.
The ability to forgive is powerful. Forgiving other people for their wrongs is a great thing indeed. The ability to forgive oneself is quite another. It is an absolute victory to come to a place of being able to forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made. It is the ultimate demonstration of self acceptance. It’s one that is hardest for most to grasp. What is interesting though; is the additional outflow of beauty that comes with self-forgiveness. Did you know that your personal journey of self-forgiveness impacts the lives of others? Yep. What you do with your forgiveness toward you impacts other people. How so?
1- It frees you to love more people- When people harbor unforgiveness toward themselves they stay focused on themselves. When focused on yourself it’s hard to focus on others which means you aren’t as equipped as you could and should be to love them right where they are. In other words you are in your own way.
2- It frees you to love people in new ways. People are people and none are different. When you understand that about yourself that you are no better or different than others you are free. When you forgive yourself you are even more free because the bondage that kept you from being free also has kept you from being free to love people in a way different than you have known. Your entire future will change as will relationships with those who enter your life.
3- It increases compassion and empathy toward others. When people live in condemnation, guilt, shame, regret and all the other lies it changes them. It’s hard to minister to someone from a negative place. How can you honestly help someone out of a pit that you are deeper in? When the act of self-forgiveness takes place and the filth is removed the process of healing and restoration takes place. It’s then that through interaction with others that increases in compassion and empathy takes place. It’s then that those interactions with others have more value because you my dear friend; are free. Simply free.
If you have ever been in a situation where you had to forgive yourself and you did; you can probably see when others are struggling with it. You know all too well the symptoms and manifestation of them. You know how grieving it is to live the quiet life of cover up and hidden shame. It’s one thing to hide it and other to be free from it. When you are entirely free of the mistakes you have made and are able to just accept and love yourself others will take note. They will see that freedom and will be drawn to you. They will know that there is something different and special about you. And yes there is. Through forgiving yourself you are displaying love and strength and who doesn’t need to have that as a little medicine on a daily basis. So go today; forgive yourself and then be the witness to change in others that have been waiting for you. You wont’ regret it.
Forigveness is hard. Forgiveness of self for most is even harder. We all make mistakes. None are immune. Perhaps you are one who had an abortion, perhaps cheated; or even scammed employees out of their retirement. None of this? Maybe you killed someone while driving drunk or just murdered someone in a gang bang or drive by. Regardless of the mistakes you have made; there is hope and a future for you. The impact of self- forgiveness is something unimaginable until you have truly been there.
It’s not about just reciting a bunch of affirmations to say ‘I forgive myself’ and yippy yay. No. It is much much deeper than this. It is about the revelation and acceptance that 1) you make mistakes, 2) ‘How did I not know better’ will keep you in bondage, 3) ‘If only’ is a lie and trap, 4) you can and will move forward in life. The impact you will have after the fact will not only change you; but those around you and those around them and those around them.
It is hard to grasp at times what we as people do. Some things are harder to grasp than others. We all can look back on our lives and probably find something to regret- but why? It will keep you only replaying it day after day. Regret should have no part of your future. Forgiveness of self though should.
You are you right where you are although the question is: is it the real you? Are you really the you that your Creator intended? If you are harboring self-unforgiveness for the mistakes you have made you are not living. You just aren’t. You can’t. You are not living as the you that you were created to be. And isn’t it time?
Isn’t it time that you let go of the shame of the past? The condemnation and guilt? The regret? The embarrassment? The loss? The lack and all that comes with it? Isn’t it time to stop living in diminishing returns to get to your real life- the one that is and has been waiting for you?
You can have peace. It’s yours for the taking. It’s been there. Victory is yours all you have to do is fight to get to it; not for it. What are you waiting for? One more mistake to make so that you can fulfill your self prophecy? That doesn’t make sense. You were created for much more than that. You were fearfully and wonderfully made. Make today that you forgive yourself so that you can see that. Make today the day that you disallow anything to come upon your life that is a lie. Make today the day that you start living as you were created to be. You will be overjoyed that you did.
Regardless of times there always seems to be another woman for many. Even in the Bible Rahab was known to be the other woman so it shouldn’t be surprising that women haven’t changed much. Forgiving the other woman provides challenges without a doubt. While we could all blame the other woman it may surprise you to learn that women are at the brink out out-cheating men. It’s a wake-up call that if you are not taking care of your spouse someone else is. Now does this mean all people cheat. Of course not! Those who come out saying men were not created to be monogamous are just revealing their character. Those who do know what it means to be faithful and remain that way are revealing their character as well. 57% of men and 54% of women have admitted to infidelity at some point in their lives. The average length of an affair is 2 years years. The percentage of marriages that survive infidelity is 31. ( http://www.statisticbrain.com/infidelity-statistics/) This means that the odds for success are not in your favor! So it begs the question: what are you doing to protect your marriage? What are you doing to take care of your spouse? What are you doing period? It’s clear there is a war on marriage and that other people truly do not care if you are or are not married as in reality; if they did care an ounce about anyone but themselves they wouldn’t go after a spouse in the first place. Again their character is revealed. If you are a position of learning about the ‘other woman’ here are some things to help you go through the forgiving process. 1. Realize she may not know about you. The other woman may honestly not know of your existence! It’s not like many men are going to meet a woman and introduce themselves as married with children and then ask for an affair. The other woman truly may be as much a victim as his lies as you the wife may be. Of course there are those woman who do know but don’t get too upset and revengeful toward the other woman when she just may not have a clue. Forgive her for being what she is an move on. You have bigger fish to fry! 2. The other woman is not your problem. The other woman in your marriage is not your problem; your husband is. If he is having an affair then he brought her into your marriage. Period. Getting angry with the other woman won’t resolve your marital issues and in some cases; may create more. Your vows and marriage are between you and your husband; not the other woman. When women get sidetracked by the other women they don’t see the real situation at hand. The real situation is that there were problems in your marriage before there was an affair. Again; that has nothing to do with the other woman. Forgive her and get down to taking care of your marriage and family. Remember a house divided cannot stand. 3. She is not worth it. She is well; the other woman. She isn’t you. She isn’t the mother of your husband’s children. She isn’t respectable. She isn’t worth your grief. Why? Because you are a better woman than that to give time to such nonsense when you have a husband and marriage that needs to be your first priority. See; all too often women spend more time and energy being angry and revengeful toward the other woman instead of starting at the starting point. What caused your husband to cheat in the first place? Of course it was his decision but understand that both of you are in your marriage and cheating really isn’t the problem. Cheating is a symptom of the problem! Cheating has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else! If you want to keep your spouses eyes only for you then ask yourself today:”Am I doing what I need to do to take care of my marriage?” And then make changes from there. Don’t live not forgiving the other woman when you have more that needs your attention.
One of those most painful experiences in life outside of the death of a loved one; is learning of infidelity of a spouse. It’s heartbreak at it’s deepest form. The lies, the deception; the other person. Forgiving someone who is that selfish is hard to grasp. Forgiving someone who cheats is a challenge for many and with reason. Forgiving someone who thinks nothing of the marriage or even you is mind boggling to say the least. Forgiving a cheating spouse who makes the choice to destroy a marriage, a family or two; and futures is probably the hardest to understand. If you have been there then you know.
The great news is that you can forgive. Is it challenging? Absolutely! The process of forgiveness is one that takes people on a journey of the pain and grief of the loss, the anger that settles in, the resentment and unforgiveness that spill over into what once was. If you open your heart it will be transformed and your future will be waiting for you; as it always is.
See; there are times in life when we all think that life will go a certain way but what I’ve learned is that life is what happens when you make plans. I didn’t plan to be cheated on. I didn’t plan to lose a child. I didn’t plan for my life to be filled with what it’s been filled with. But- I did purposely intend for it to be filled with forgiveness. My prayerful hope is that regardless of what that cheating spouse did or does; that your heart too is filled with forgiveness. Why?
1) Forgiving a cheating spouse isn’t about him/her. People do what they do regardless your forgiveness is about you for you. People are people and well; hurt one another. We all have hurt others and have been hurt. It’s what we do with the hurt that changes lives for the better. If you want your life to be changed recognize that your forgiveness isn’t about the other person. It’s about you and the choice to forgive.
2) Forgiving a cheating spouse is about your freedom. Harboring unforgiveness steals. It steals your joy, your life; and your future. It keeps you trapped to what once was. I remember feeling resentful about the fact that I was the victim and he moved on with someone else and had a beautiful family; after he destroyed ours. And here I was- alone. It took me years to realize that my unforgiveness was was trapping me. It stunted my growth and the the walls of my life kept me dying in silence instead of being free in forgiveness. Once I made the choice to forgive everything in my life changed. Peace was restored. Joy overcame me. My life changed in abundance! And dear reader; I am no different than you. Forgiveness and your freedom is waiting. Don’t let the mistakes of others keep you in bondage. Model Liberty Ross experienced forgiveness after her husband Rupert Sanders had an affair with Twilight actress Kristen Stewart. She said, ‘“People need to learn to forgive.” she explained. “I have no problem with anyone involved. I’m completely compassionate. I really am. No life is perfect, we all have our problems and issues and I believe that it’s good to be true to who you are.”
3) Forgiving a cheating spouse is about living toward your future. You have a future waiting for you. You have a life with wonderful experiences that are waiting. There are people that need you. There are lives for you to bless and be blessed by. If you are reading this now; you are alive. If you are alive you have something to look forward to. When you make the choice to forgive a cheating spouse your future will open. Your heart can move toward freedom and peace in new ways. Your future can open more opportunities for receive and give love; to grow with others; and to let your forgiveness light shine.
For many experiencing forgiveness toward a cheating spouse it takes time without a doubt. Like anything in life; it’s a process. It’s about healing, restoration; and freedom. It’s about a heart issue and recognizing that while people aren’t perfect there is hope and a future for us all. It is about taking one step at a time toward what is waiting for you and that is your future. And my dear friend you are worth it.
It’s not surprising in our self absorbed society to hear when a famous couple gets divorced. It happens daily and probably will continue as people continue to live more for themselves and their own likings. It’s just part of life. It is not possible to be in a healthy relationship and unforgiving at the same time. Perhaps we all could use a refresher of how to get over ourselves; and some more than others but I digress.
And so it goes; unforgiveness and divorce are linked. Unforgiveness does more harm to our lives than we realize and rightfully so as who truly wants to take the responsibility of looking in the mirror to recognize faults that are doing harm to self and others? I know I sure didn’t! Once I did though; my life and everything about it changed. If you are married and want to stay that way perhaps you should take a personal inventory so that you don’t lose the one relationship that you vowed would last until death do you part. In my post: https://julieblair.com/unforgiveness-causes-divorce/ I shared three ways that unforgiveness causes divorce and while you may think that is it; nope. Just wait! There’s more. Isn’t there always? On a topic as important as this we need to get it. The additional ways unforgiveness causes divorce are that it:
1. Depletes Intimacy– When couples are not enjoying each other’s company; the communication changes. Because you can’t not communicate you are still sending messages although not the ones of love and passion. When husbands withdraw from their wives it is as painful for the wives as it is when wives withhold sex from men. The level of rejection both feel through that separation leads to much change within each person, their marriage and into the rest of the family. Everything within a marriage starts in the bedroom and if the bedroom is as stiff as many boardrooms it’s evident what isn’t occurring. Forgiveness will restore that intimacy.
2. Builds Bitterness- Bitterness is spiritual poison. It rots the bones. It destroys the heart. Those at Harvard know this; even though it’s in the Bible in the Book of Ephesians. The Harvard findings in a 2005 reveal found that forgiveness reduces stress on the heart. Bitterness is a symptom of unforgiveness and the longer a spouse is bitter the more poison there will be in that marriage and as a result; the entire family. Bitterness and marital bliss cannot cohabitate. It’s better to not allow bitterness to rot your bones and wreck your life!
3. Keeps you self- focused. Unforgiveness in a marriage will keep the unforgiving party focused on self. It is not possible to be loving, forgiving and self-focused at the same time. When people are unforgiving it shows. It is reflected in their behavior, what they talk about, how they talk; and every other thing in the unforgivers life that revolves around self. To it’s end; a self-focused spouse will in the end leave the other with feelings of abandonment, rejection; and in the arms of another. People are not perfect and unforgiveness will blind you to this. If you are more focused on what you want for your own personal gain in your marriage; ask yourself if there is something your spouse did that you have yet to forgive. You probably already know the answer.
The bottom line is that unforgiveness kills. It destroys. It comes like the thief in the night; when you least expect it. It infiltrates lives and marriages to the destruction of them and if you are not quick to forgive you may be its next victim. Don’t be a statistic. Forgive. Your spouse will thank you. You will thank me. And we all will live happily ever after.
It’s no secret that divorce is rampant. It’s rampant everywhere; not just in Hollywood. The divorce statistics of those in the Church are just as high so apparently the lesson of forgiveness needs to reach us all! Perhaps marriage vows should read something more like, ‘Till I want to part because it’s Tuesday’ and not ‘ till death due us part’ because people really just don’t get it. It would make sense really since in today’s society it’s more about having million dollar weddings and marriages that last oh; a couple of months. And that’s a big maybe. So what’s the issue causing such divorce at record pace?
Unforgiveness. Yep. Sure you may be thinking, “Well, I have grounds. He’s not the man I married.” Or you may thinking, ‘She’s changed.’ And so? If she or he didn’t change you would be mad about that too so what really is the point? This is where we have it all wrong! Our society has deemed marriage disposable and worthless and the people in it are just as pathetic by the day of divorce decree. Are we just that selfish and narcissistic to not stop and see it? Anyone anywhere can come up with a justified reason for anything; but it doesn’t mean it’s good or even right; or even the best one and may see after the fact that the grass is greener on the other side but they still have to mow it.
See; the infidelity, withholding sex, silent treatment, drinking, not spending time together, growing apart, waiting for the children to go to college, job loss, income issues; and all the other things related to the reasons ‘why’ are just symptoms. Every single thing that is the cause of divorce is symptom related. The real issue is beneath all of those symptoms and most couples never recognize it. Why? Because they are too busy blaming and trying to be right rather than forgiving. If only couples would learn the lesson of forgiveness NOW so that these problems don’t become the cause of divorce we may have more marriages that actually do last a lifetime. So how does unforgiveness cause divorce?
1. Unforgiveness keeps you focused on the symptoms. When you are focused on the symptoms you aren’t able to see the problem. Why are you not having sex with your spouse? Why are you not spending time together? ‘Not having time’ is an excuse not the reason. People make time for what is important. If you are not then ask yourself when it’s divorce time who’s fault is it really? What am I doing or not doing that has my marriage where it’s at?
2. Unforgiveness is a victim mentality. We are all victims of things other people to do us at some point in life. None of us are perfect; none are immune. If you are living your life as the victim of what your spouse did to you it’s clear sign you have not forgiven. Period. If you want to get a clear picture stop and reflect on all the things that you have done that probably hurt your spouse in some capacity. Stop blaming your spouse when you are in the same marriage! Start forgiving.
3. Unforgiveness keeps you focused on the past. Unforgiving people live in the past. It’s all about what happened ‘way back when’ which really has nothing to do with ‘now but never mind actually bringing that up with them because it’s a moot point. That person will have plenty to speak about about how you missed the birthday party five years as a former neighbor of mine would remind her boyfriend every Friday night at the midnight living room fight. Clearly; a sign that they were not able to move on because she just could not let it go. It was five years ago! If you are hoarding the mistakes of your spouse from even yesterday it’s time to forgive. And quickly otherwise the resentment, bitterness and all the other symptoms will be evident to the extent of the death of your marriage.
If you want true freedom in your marriage; forgive. You don’t want to let the mistakes your spouse made destroy what you have invested your life to build. Don’t be like those in Hollywood who learn of their husband’s former flings and then harbor it for selfish reasons. It’s not worth it. It’s not to say that forgiving someone is easy because we all know it’s not and this is not a prosperity message. This is message written to save your life, your marriage, your family and your future. Take it serious while you still can. In case your forgot: forgive.
When people come together for any reason; things happen. People make mistakes and people get hurt. It’s the nature of people in all our intelligence and glory. Forgiving others in a community will always prove to be a challenge; and one that some may not take to.
The mistakes that people make can and do destroy communities. There is no way around it and for some; the devastation is never overcome. The pain of lives torn apart, the hearts left grieving; and the unforgiveness that settles in all reaps what it sows. It is something that only those who have experienced it can truly understand. It paints a picture of pure destruction in the most concrete of ways. It begs the question: what does a community do to overcome the mistakes others make to forgive? It’s simple although not easy. Forgive. The lessons are these:
1. Forgiveness is about individual healing. Forgiving others has nothing to do with what the other person did. It just doesn’t. While it may appear so because the wounds others cause are so deep we must remember that individual peace is worth more than harboring unforgiveness toward someone who chooses to live in hurting others. It is about each person making the choice to forgive for self freedom. Period. Of course it does not admonish what the person did that caused the pain in the first place; however, that person is the one responsible for the outcomes of his or her actions just as each one of us are. What do you want to be responsible for?
2. Forgiveness restores communities. When you make the choice to forgive life changes. When a community of individuals come together in forgiveness hearts are healed and what occurred in the past while remembered; isn’t filled with the focus of what occurred and the pain that was associated with it. What it is filled with is hope. Hope for a future. Hope for what should be. Hope for what is to come. Know that it does take time; however, the steps toward restoration begins with forgiveness.
3. Forgiveness paves the way to the future. In order for anyone to progress forward toward a fruitful life forgiveness is the roadway toward it. It removes the stumbling blocks and all things hindering what is to come. There is never a reason to allow people and their mistakes to be a roadblock to your future; or the future of the community you are part of.
People come together for a variety of reasons in life. It may be church, dancing, football; or even board games. People that come together are not perfect and while the mistakes they may make be illegal, harmful to children; and even harmful to themselves what they do should not be allowed to control what others do as a result. None of us are any different. We make mistakes, we hurt people; and we all have at some point needed forgiveness and have been asked to forgive. I encourage you to take the challenge and forgive. Then move on to the future that is what you were on your way to in the first place.
Many people who experience spiritual abuse aren’t aware of it in the beginning or in process, else why would they be in it in the first place. Reconciliation of events that occur over time require forgiveness and through that come healing and restoration.
See; those who are abused don’t wake up one morning and go search for the abuse. People don’t t wake up one morning with thoughts of ‘Let me see who I can find to hurt me all in the name of Jesus. Let me see how that would feel for a years.’ People don’t just knowingly do that.
It’s what happens though. It happens all over the world and on a daily basis. People get involved in churches, Bible studies; groups of people whom they begin to build relationships with and over time things change. The abuser is the one in charge and leading people down a path; that most of the time is about his or her agenda. The unsuspecting attendees are all about the mission at hand. They are happy to be a part of doing something for the greater good and life change is just part of the process. Never mind the change more often than not is not the change anyone would want to experience.
It isn’t until things happen and eyes open that the reality sets in. It may be a person speaking the real truth, something that you now pay attention to that you have been hearing for years; or just that you get to the most absolute lowest point of your life to where suicide is the most freeing way out. Regardless; learning the truth will make you free!
It’s through learning the truth of the abuse that is probably the hardest. Nothing is as you expected it to be nor can it be. Time has passed. You have passed. You are no longer who you were to do what you were called to do all those years ago and you can’t get them back. Time; is gone. How do you reconcile that? How do you reconcile what you have lost? How do you reconcile what you gave up and what was stolen from you? Simple. Forgive.
It is one of the hardest things in life to forgive. There is damage beyond what most people can grasp or understand. People took advantage of you and while they did it; you too were there. You were willing to be a participant. It was your vulnerability that allowed you to be in that position in the first place. Forgiveness will remove the pain to allow you to go forward.
Forgiveness will reconcile you from the past. It will not get back those lost years. But it will give you much to go forward with. It will free you from any attachment to those who abused you. Forgiveness will free you from the choices you have made. Forgiveness will allow you to see your new future in the way that you were probably able to see it long before your abuse began. While a process; forgiveness will set you free. Forgiveness will reconcile you with who you used to be and the real you to where you are going. And if you want to get going-forgive and be reconciled. You don’t want to lose more time when your future is waiting for you.