It’s a simple question yet one all too often overlooked. I found myself looking in the mirror the other day and thought it would be like any other day. Well; it wasn’t. It reminded of years ago when I was challenged to sit in front of a mirror and just stare at myself to see what God sees. That’s a challenge all right; with a life changing outcome!
I ask you again- what are you investing in you? I took a long look not at the Eva Mendez mole that I have that people tend to comment on, not on the grey hair here or there that no one but me sees; but just a long look. It caused me to step back for a moment and pause.
How about you? Do you spend far too much time looking but not seeing? Perhaps now is the time to look at your investment and reflect on what your return on it actually is. You may be surprised.
What I saw has caused much change in my life. It’s always a challenge to go for radical change although if you don’t where will you be? You can’t do what you have always done and then not expect to get what you have always gotten. It just doesn’t work like that.
What did I see? I saw areas that need different investment for larger return.
1- I saw I was investing or sowing more in others than they were in me. I reflected on the relationships in my life where I gave more than I was receiving in return. I need to invest more in me and others who are not the sucker branches where I am better able to bring ripe fruit into my life.It’s not a selfish thing but reflecting on me and where I am to where I want to go and grow.
2- I saw the physical effects that Dallas has had on me and well; all the people I have met who too have moved from other healthy and fit cities. I didn’t beat myself up over what I saw but rather gravitated toward a lifestyle of one that will produce healthy results for lasting living and lifelong impact.
3- I saw an investment in a career that I dreamed of that isn’t quite the reality as I believe most people experience. Remember the days when McDonald’s was good? Sure you know what I am talking about? When you are able to see it for what you are you can make the change. I have better boundaries, hours; and results in the end.
4- I saw that life will suck the life out of you if you are not actively investing in yourself. I don’t mean the purchase of a new car, more clothes; or material things. I mean investing in you. The person that you are. There will always be more debt for a vehicle, more clothes that will be outdated in a few months; more tweets to post about it all and that isn’t investing in you. That is nothing but the trap of society to keep you from the right focus for actual living. Take a step back and look. Step back and see.
It’s all about choice. Choice to see. Choice to pay attention. Choice to change. Choice to choose. You may want to get on board and do something now before it’s too late. You would hate to not invest in the one thing that can change your life and then have to tell that to others what you never did.
Online dating for some is the best thing in the world; no high bar tabs, plenty of babes to browse through and all from the couch or bed any time of day. What a playground right? What more could a single person want? Options for this or that without much effort or commitment. A dream come true.
It’s easy to meet people and then play the game. The question is: do you know if you are being played? Are you the watering hole that they don’t want you to know about? What’s a watering hole you ask? Let me explain and help you identify if you are one.
The watering hole is the situation that many men and women find themselves in. It’s where they think that the person they are spending time with is interested and then he or she disappears and then he or she is interested again. Perhaps you have been there. The person is too busy with work, their son is sick; there are issues with the ex- wife. That person may like you although if the person was truly interested in you that person would do more than put you on layaway.
You may hear about the need for distance over the phone but probably not. See; it’s much easier to be a deceiver through texting because you can’t hear the voice crack while the lies come out and the person definitely wouldn’t show enough respect to share anything in person for the fear of noticeable deception and time that it would take. The person may be so kind to ask you to ‘not give up on him’ or something to that effect when in reality you were just placed on layaway while better options are being explored. If you were the best option you would know.
Then it happens. The sweet text a couple or few months later stating something like, ‘Hi gorgeous. Beautiful weather isn’t it’ or something to that effect. It’s whatever is needed to start the conversation on a high note. You may or may not recall the person if you are active in deleting people of irrelevance in your life so you go through the steps of inquiring and receive the response of who it is with the reminder of great things; how you are and bla bla. It’s all an attempt to get in your good graces.
Now understand; if the person were interested from the beginning in more than a game that person would know how things are because that person would never have let you go in the first place. Do not be deceived to the circumstances because the facts remain. You were let go.
The other thing to take note of is when those pesky texts come in. If they are late night well; what on earth might that mean? Gee; are you worth nothing more than that? Did that person’s last conquest end so you are first on the thought list when drunk? Isn’t that special? Of course if you are a man you may be thinking ‘Great. I’m on the list!’ For women it’s probably an insult so be wise to what is really going on and examine what placement you are going to allow yourself to be in someone else’s life.
Bottom line is that there are always people who want to explore but not commit; fly away for other exploration and then return to you the better one. If you are the one that people do this to then you are the watering hole. If you are fine with always be second or third option great; but my guess is that you are a man and woman of more value and worth being the first and only option. Don’t you think?
There is no one like you. Some of you may be thinking ‘no kidding’ but know it’s true in the best way possible. You are unique; you were created one of a kind. There is nothing that anyone can do exactly like you. You were created to be you and there is no other.
Sometimes in life we get so caught up in the frenzy of living that we don’t recognize what we actually bring to the world. Think about it. When was the last time you were truly recognized for who you are and the value of you and not what you have done for the benefit of a company’s profit.
So on this day the value that you bring is larger than you think. The value of your smile to someone thinking about taking his or her life. The value you bring to your family even when you say nothing at all. The value of your ideas that will be tomorrow’s life saver. The value of your heart that you have that is shown to the world shared even when you are sleeping. The value of friendship you offer to those in quiet places that only need someone as strong as you to be a friend. There is never anything that can take away the value of you; unless you beleive the lie and accept you have none.
You were wonderfully made. You were hand crafted for a special purpose with special meaning; and there is value in that. You are the head and not the tail and were created to live above and not below. You are a masterpiece; beautiful in every way. You are one of a kind and that my friend is invaluable.
Let me first start by declaring it bold: YOU are needed. Yes you. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing; or however you are feeling today you are needed.
The feeling of not being needed is a trap; especially for single people who have no children. The purposelessness can begin to overtake that person into a depression and let it be clear that regardless of what your marital or parental status is; you are needed.
You are needed for what you bring to those around you. You have a smile that shines ever so bright. You have a laugh that many need on those days when their children and spouse are more than what they want. Your strength in heart and muscle are needed for those who simple need you.
For so long I lived my life not recognizing this. How could I? I was abandoned as a child, lived in a foster home; homeless at 15 and single. Who on earth would need me? What would I be needed for? I couldn’t quite grasp the concept until well; I got beyond myself to see that I wouldn’t be here otherwise. I am needed and you are too. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Don’t ever underestimate the fact that you are needed. You may never know when someone who is hurting would be blessed by you. If you fall into the trap of not seeing it; you too will lose out on the blessing.
Let today that your little light shine and smile at those who may not be smiling. Smile because you have a purpose and you my friend are needed.
There is nothing that can take the place of a relationship; and I mean relationships with people. Yes I’m sure many of you have great relationships with your dog and that it may be better than that of your husband or wife; but rest assured this time it isn’t about the dogs. I love my little pug Olive just as much as anyone else loves their pet; however, there are some things that we need from other people.
It’s when we look at relationships we see there is much to gain from them; and also much to give. It’s only when we can sit back and look at the power that they bring to our lives. It’s amazing how much more we can accomplish when there is more beyond just us. It only takes a second to reflect on the people in our lives and what we can bring cooperatively to the lives of others.
What are your relationships like? Are they bringing you fruit? Do you enjoy them? Do you need a change? Are you better for the relationships that you have in your life? If not I challenge you to make this year the year that you get connected with those whose lives you can be a part of positive change and those who can bring that positive change to your life. You certainly will be glad you did!
In my life; I was without my mother for almost 30 years. You see; we were separated and recently united and there is nothing that can describe the transition of becoming a daughter to a mother I didn’t know. Needless to say it has been an experience and one that I wouldn’t change for anything. Again; together we can do more than we ever could apart.
There are many ways to get power in life; although doing it alone will always prove to be a tougher challenge if even at all possible. It doesn’t matter what type of relationship either. It could be someone you just met through a LinkedIn connection, someone at church; or even someone you met when you shared your sorrows over the recent Green Bay Packers loss. Either way relationships are part of life and the more you treasure the ones you have; the less you will be alone.
How far did you make it? Are you still going?
Last night I delivered a webinar about communication to a group of women. Men were invited although none were in attendance which was a shame as the perception from men would have been nice. Anyway; the topic of texting came up.
What was of interest is the number of women; some single, some married who all shared that the hate texting and those who are dating were especially strong in their opinion of how much the men they go out with text. Interesting? Or normal? It depends on which gender you are I guess.
They asked how to combat the life of texting. Others wanted to know not specifically about texting; but how to have more face to face interactions with others. Well; it’s pretty simple. Set boundaries. Here are a few tips:
1- Recognize that you don’t have to accept what others expect. Just because someone sends you a text doesn’t mean 1) you have to reply that instant, 2) that you have to allow it at all. If you don’t want to respond right when it comes in; then understand that you do not have to. It’s really an invasion to whatever you are doing at that moment. If someone thinks it’s appropriate to text you at 11:30 at night; then explain to that person that you don’t accept texts that late. Remember you don’t have to allow what isn’t right for you to become your life.
2- Explain your expectations/wishes/desires about how you want communicate. For example; one lady shared that she gets texts and phone calls from friends all day and she’s working so she can’t respond. By simply letting people know you will respond during whatever hours and that you are working this hopefully will decrease those interruptions. Now; if it doesn’t then take the next step as you evaluate if those people are even respecting you in the first place.
When my biological mother and I started our relationship there were a lot of boundaries to establish. My mother would call and scream at the top of her lungs how much she wished she never moved to Dallas. She hated life and wanted to go back to Houston. This was a daily thing; and very taxing to say the least! We had to talk about what was and was not acceptable if we expected to go forward. Once we worked through the root issues we were able to progress and now have a healthy relationship.
3- You not establishing boundaries for you is your fault. If you don’t ever set boundaries for how others communicate with you; then you cannot complain about what you don’t like. You are enabling others to continue the pattern that they created and they will because why wouldn’t they? You will get what you get from others until you make the choice to communicate effectively with others what you need in your life.
There was a time with my biological mother where she treated me like her father treated her; as a servant. Instead of asking me for a drink at my home; she would hold her glass up simply say ‘more’. No please no ask. Just an order. Needless to say I was infuriated by how she was treating me. I started resenting her more than I had already hated her! Once I explained to her how I felt in how she was treating me our communication changed.
Overall; the manner in which we communicate has changed in recent years. No longer is it going over for tea in the afternoon; it’s an all day twitter fest, text fiesta; and everything else that is non-stop. Getting peace of mind comes with understanding what is and isn’t working for you; and then making the necessary changes to bring better communication and in the end; better relationships.
The eyes reveal much. There is no doubt. What you see is something that should be paid attention to; or else the entire essence of the message is lost. There is no time to not see what is being revealed. Never. Not when what is what is being shared is probably the most personal and insightful intimate thing that the person is revealing. To ignore it is sin.
I speak at women’s conferences and retreats about beauty and image; although not from the perspective most think. Beauty isn’t about the focus on the outward person. It just isn’t. I do understand that men are visual so there is no need to dispute this. We know and yes we also know that women are visual too. The point is that true beauty goes beyond what people see initially and it’s so unfortunate that our culture is so focused on what they see instantly instead of what they would actually see if they took more than a second.
In a consumeristic society the trends are buy more of this, show more of that; leaving woman and young girls more confused than ever as to what beauty is. It’s unfortunate that as a gender we have lost our way. Beauty in reality should be reflective of the essence of a woman and with more healing from past wounds only allows the internal light of a beautiful to shine through.
When we cover our eyes from the pain from the past or use clothing to reveal what need not be to the world; we only distort the true message of our personal beauty and value. This must be undone. We cannot continue to allow our beauty to be hidden all the while letting society use us for the sake of selling what they deem beauty is when in fact it is nothing more than fleeting.
Years ago I tested a theory of a woman’s dress to the level of eye contact she received from others. The findings revealed the more revealing the clothing less eye contact the woman received. Whether or not the clothing choices were conscious or subconscious wasn’t the exact point. What was most telling was that of the women’s beauty and direct line to who she is was the most hidden. The clothing proved to be a distraction from what women wanted revealed. That saddened me then and still does today. It told me that women are deceived to thinking that they are nothing more than objects to be looked over instead of looked at. Nothing is further from the truth.
While we have a long way to go to get to the definition of what beauty is known this: the world and Word have different ideas of beauty. Don’t get caught up in what anyone other than He says about how beautiful you are; and how your eyes are the light to your soul. Work inward first as the more you do the more of your beauty will shine through; and it’s time the world gets to see your little light shine. Don’t you think?
Great relationships don’t come without effort. It is not possible to be in healthy relationships and contribute nothing. Relationships require commitment, communication, sometimes sacrifice; and most of all forgiveness. All of these require that focus is not on self. This was a tough lesson for me to learn. I spent most of my life alone and growing myself up. I was 15 and homeless and put myself through college. I was a warrior! It was all about me; and when it wasn’t it still was. Trust me.
When I met my mom in 2003 for the first time that was an experience to say the least! It wasn’t until 2007 that we connected again. She disappeared again which made things difficult and to be honest; I didn’t care because I wanted nothing to do with her in the first place. Anyway; that is a separate story altogether but for the sake of this I had to learn how to relate to her as the mother and also learn how to be a daughter. I never really got that experience so needless to say it proved to be something I knew nothing about. Was it work? Absolutely! It was beyond anything I ever imagined and there was no ‘wanna get away’ escape from it either! I could only wish! And I did!
While I had been a speech professor for almost a decade by this time; I thought my communication skills were effective. Why wouldn’t I? Boy was I proved wrong! It wasn’t until I started communicating more with my mother that I learned just how much I had to learn. I had to deal with my own personal issues in order to be effective in communicating with her; else we could never build a healthy and functional relationship. I remember daily when she would call screaming at the top of her lungs how much she hated Dallas. Well; who could blame her? It’s hot and humid here. Ironic since she moved from Houston but still. It was a daily issue and I learned that my reaction only fed it. I needed to shut up and listen. What a lesson as there wasn’t much I was used to not having an opinion about. I had a lot of growing to do. I had to put down the cell phone and pay attention. I had to stop texting and pay attention. I had to look at my mother in the face and pay attention. I had to get over myself and just pay attention. I had to do it. Perhaps you are in a place where you need to just stop and pay attention for the sake of the relationship and those who are important in your life.
What I have learned are amazing things! While my mother has been diagnosed with every mental disorder you can imagine and is unable to physically care for herself; she will blow your mind! She is in the second phase of testing to be on Jeopardy. Who knew? I’ve learned that when she doesn’t want to talk about things that are too personal; like who my father is- she gets silent. When she has an answer she is very direct with her ‘yes’ and ‘fine’. Check out the segment from The Today Show and see what I mean as it’s hilarious! She holds nothing back. I learned that that is where I get it from and why my nickname in powder puff football in high school was ‘Mouth’. Go figure.
I’ve learned that my mom laughs a lot. She enjoys life now even though she no longer lives on her own. She gave up everything to move from Houston to Dallas to build a relationship with me. She did that for me. She has a warm heart and would give you the jacket off her back; and did to many on the streets even when she herself was homeless and cold. I’ve learned that even though her left ankle is swollen to her knee and the doctors have no clue why; she never complains about it. She just rangers on. Not only that; it doesn’t bother her to take a pair of scissors to cut her pants off at the bottom instead of sewing them. She just walks on and sings Queen songs all the way. Be aware if you take her to any musical show she will sing every song to your embarrassment.
The biggest lesson that I must share and admit is embarrassing; is that until I got over myself I couldn’t see her for who she is in my life. She is my mother and at times I struggled with that. I wanted anyone but her to be my mom. I know it’s not nice to admit but it’s true. I wanted someone more well; motherly. My mother is not nurturing and that’s ok. She still holds the title of mom and that’s enough. Once I really grasped the importance of obedience to the Word I saw that ‘Honor Your Mother and Father’ didn’t mean if you like them, if they are a Kennedy; or anything else. It just reads to do it. Once I got this and learned that it wasn’t always about me my life changed. Her life changed. Our lives changed. Isn’t that what it’s about anyway?
Life is about relationships. It’s about each of us growing and changing and experiencing with others. Life is also short. I lost 25 years of time with my mom and I can tell you that having that time back would be a blessing unimaginable; but it’s never going to happen. I can only relish in today and the time that we have to learn and relate to one another; to grow together and enjoy life together. I hope that for you too that on this day; you reflect on those in your life and what you can truly learn by relating to them in new ways. I assure you; you won’t regret it.
Forgiveness is the most wonderful thing in the world. It changes lives, heals and restores. There is nothing that can move mountains quicker than forgiveness. How do I know? Simple. I lived a life of unforgiveness for more years than I care to admit.
What I can share with you honestly is that many years of my life were filled with hatred, resentment, bitterness and more. All the cousins of unforgiveness were alive and well; killing me. I didn’t have many healthy relationships, patience or positivity. While I didn’t care about any of that; I was living the way I knew. I lived a life of unforgiveness.
It wasn’t until I was shown the true process of forgiveness; what it meant and the impact that it would have on my life. I am forever changed by getting over myself. Imagine how that happens! See; I had been deceived for many years thinking that I had forgave those who hurt me although the symptoms were there. I hadn’t truly done anything but give lip service. Lip service my friends is nothing more than mental rationalization to continue to harbor what you want without consequence. It never works.
Once I was real with myself nothing was ever the same. Once I mad the choice to forgive my life changed and in big ways. See; everything internal manifests itself outward and the more I forgave those in my past for what they did to me my eye color changed and my voice changed. While it may be subtle the changes are evident without a doubt. Doors opened in ways unimaginable.
The biggest and most life changing event in my life was being reunited with my mother. I hated her for so long. Don’t be shocked- you probably would too if you went through some of the things I did. But I digress since that is not the point. My mother is a wonderful person who deserves as much love as the rest of us. My mother is someone who made a mistake and who am I to harbor unforgivess toward her? I had to learn and recognize that I too have made mistakes and if others were as unforgiving toward me as I was toward my mother where would any of us be?
My mother and I today are great! Her life has changed much from the time when she lived on the street corner in Houston before we met. We have a relationship and that is something that neither of us ever would have expected; especially from where we were. This in reality; is what forgiveness does. It heals, it restores; it reconciles. It changes people lives for the better of everyone we come into contact about. So my friends; who can you forgive today? Who’s life besides your own can you change?