People and society will always have an opinion; whether a good one or not is really not relevant. It’s moreso the fact that others think that they have your life figured out when in reality they can’t even function in their own lives.
Society will always try to change you by telling you what you ‘should’ do. The media does it and people don’t get it. There once was a time when the purpose of the media was to report the news; those days are gone. Now the media just makes the news instead because people are proving incapable of making decisions for themselves.
And so it goes you have been deceived. You probably have been told what you should wear for the next season. You have been told what car you should drive; what neighborhood you should live in. You probably have been told that by now you should at least be married, if not already divorced with three kids you never wanted in the first place. Oh and you should have at least a BA or BS but in today’s world you really should think about getting that MBA if you expect to go anywhere in your career.
Yep. I heard it all. I heard all the shoulds known to man. I dated the man who actually told me, ‘You should dress like her, talk like her, and wear your hair like her. Then you would be beautiful.’ You should have seen his face when I walked out and never looked back. And don’t tell me I should have; unless it was just to see the look on his face. But I already knew.
So it begs the question: are you living the life you should be living? Or are you living the life others think you should be living? It’s a tough question I know. I once was there. I had the Bible teacher tell me that at age 37 I should have a teeanager because that is where I ‘should’ have been. There is a systematic order to how life goes you see. Yeah sure. I see the misery on the faces of all the people who followed what others said they should do. It goes the way it is supposed to go for each of us and it’s only until we stop the shoulds that we can be free.
If you are trapped into living what others think stop. Forgive yourself and do it quick. You don’t want to live for others who aren’t even doing it for themselves. That doesn’t even make sense. You are where you are and while it may not be where you want to be; you are the one to change that. No one else. Forgive yourself for falling into the trap that thinking the boring house in the suburbs will answer all your questions when in actuality you are miserable but just biting your tongue waiting to escape. Forgive yourself for not being true to who you were created to be. Life is short so don’t let another day go by where you think about what you should do instead of just doing it.
We all are where we are and the best part is that no one else can get you where you should be except for you. So today; where do you want to go? Where do you want to go that you know you should have gone back then? There is nothing stopping you; no more coulds or shoulds. Just you. Get out of your way, forgive, and get to where you are going! You can do it. How do I know? Because I did.
It’s no secret that divorce is rampant. It’s rampant everywhere; not just in Hollywood. The divorce statistics of those in the Church are just as high so apparently the lesson of forgiveness needs to reach us all! Perhaps marriage vows should read something more like, ‘Till I want to part because it’s Tuesday’ and not ‘ till death due us part’ because people really just don’t get it. It would make sense really since in today’s society it’s more about having million dollar weddings and marriages that last oh; a couple of months. And that’s a big maybe. So what’s the issue causing such divorce at record pace?
Unforgiveness. Yep. Sure you may be thinking, “Well, I have grounds. He’s not the man I married.” Or you may thinking, ‘She’s changed.’ And so? If she or he didn’t change you would be mad about that too so what really is the point? This is where we have it all wrong! Our society has deemed marriage disposable and worthless and the people in it are just as pathetic by the day of divorce decree. Are we just that selfish and narcissistic to not stop and see it? Anyone anywhere can come up with a justified reason for anything; but it doesn’t mean it’s good or even right; or even the best one and may see after the fact that the grass is greener on the other side but they still have to mow it.
See; the infidelity, withholding sex, silent treatment, drinking, not spending time together, growing apart, waiting for the children to go to college, job loss, income issues; and all the other things related to the reasons ‘why’ are just symptoms. Every single thing that is the cause of divorce is symptom related. The real issue is beneath all of those symptoms and most couples never recognize it. Why? Because they are too busy blaming and trying to be right rather than forgiving. If only couples would learn the lesson of forgiveness NOW so that these problems don’t become the cause of divorce we may have more marriages that actually do last a lifetime. So how does unforgiveness cause divorce?
1. Unforgiveness keeps you focused on the symptoms. When you are focused on the symptoms you aren’t able to see the problem. Why are you not having sex with your spouse? Why are you not spending time together? ‘Not having time’ is an excuse not the reason. People make time for what is important. If you are not then ask yourself when it’s divorce time who’s fault is it really? What am I doing or not doing that has my marriage where it’s at?
2. Unforgiveness is a victim mentality. We are all victims of things other people to do us at some point in life. None of us are perfect; none are immune. If you are living your life as the victim of what your spouse did to you it’s clear sign you have not forgiven. Period. If you want to get a clear picture stop and reflect on all the things that you have done that probably hurt your spouse in some capacity. Stop blaming your spouse when you are in the same marriage! Start forgiving.
3. Unforgiveness keeps you focused on the past. Unforgiving people live in the past. It’s all about what happened ‘way back when’ which really has nothing to do with ‘now but never mind actually bringing that up with them because it’s a moot point. That person will have plenty to speak about about how you missed the birthday party five years as a former neighbor of mine would remind her boyfriend every Friday night at the midnight living room fight. Clearly; a sign that they were not able to move on because she just could not let it go. It was five years ago! If you are hoarding the mistakes of your spouse from even yesterday it’s time to forgive. And quickly otherwise the resentment, bitterness and all the other symptoms will be evident to the extent of the death of your marriage.
If you want true freedom in your marriage; forgive. You don’t want to let the mistakes your spouse made destroy what you have invested your life to build. Don’t be like those in Hollywood who learn of their husband’s former flings and then harbor it for selfish reasons. It’s not worth it. It’s not to say that forgiving someone is easy because we all know it’s not and this is not a prosperity message. This is message written to save your life, your marriage, your family and your future. Take it serious while you still can. In case your forgot: forgive.
When people come together for any reason; things happen. People make mistakes and people get hurt. It’s the nature of people in all our intelligence and glory. Forgiving others in a community will always prove to be a challenge; and one that some may not take to.
The mistakes that people make can and do destroy communities. There is no way around it and for some; the devastation is never overcome. The pain of lives torn apart, the hearts left grieving; and the unforgiveness that settles in all reaps what it sows. It is something that only those who have experienced it can truly understand. It paints a picture of pure destruction in the most concrete of ways. It begs the question: what does a community do to overcome the mistakes others make to forgive? It’s simple although not easy. Forgive. The lessons are these:
1. Forgiveness is about individual healing. Forgiving others has nothing to do with what the other person did. It just doesn’t. While it may appear so because the wounds others cause are so deep we must remember that individual peace is worth more than harboring unforgiveness toward someone who chooses to live in hurting others. It is about each person making the choice to forgive for self freedom. Period. Of course it does not admonish what the person did that caused the pain in the first place; however, that person is the one responsible for the outcomes of his or her actions just as each one of us are. What do you want to be responsible for?
2. Forgiveness restores communities. When you make the choice to forgive life changes. When a community of individuals come together in forgiveness hearts are healed and what occurred in the past while remembered; isn’t filled with the focus of what occurred and the pain that was associated with it. What it is filled with is hope. Hope for a future. Hope for what should be. Hope for what is to come. Know that it does take time; however, the steps toward restoration begins with forgiveness.
3. Forgiveness paves the way to the future. In order for anyone to progress forward toward a fruitful life forgiveness is the roadway toward it. It removes the stumbling blocks and all things hindering what is to come. There is never a reason to allow people and their mistakes to be a roadblock to your future; or the future of the community you are part of.
People come together for a variety of reasons in life. It may be church, dancing, football; or even board games. People that come together are not perfect and while the mistakes they may make be illegal, harmful to children; and even harmful to themselves what they do should not be allowed to control what others do as a result. None of us are any different. We make mistakes, we hurt people; and we all have at some point needed forgiveness and have been asked to forgive. I encourage you to take the challenge and forgive. Then move on to the future that is what you were on your way to in the first place.
The past is gone. It’s passed. Whether it’s five minutes ago, five days ago, five weeks or months or years ago; the past is gone. You can either be thankful or remorseful; but whatever you are about it does not change the fact that it is gone. It is time to forgive it or yourself for continuing to allow it to become your present and the future you live.
You see; we all have a past. There are many things about the past that change our lives and the changes that we allow those things to make is up to each of us. What are you doing with your past? What seriously are you doing with it? It requires an introspective look because forgiveness of it is required for freedom in future. The last thing you want to ever do is allow something from times ago to become what you see and live now.
If you are still looking at your life through the rear view mirror ask yourself why. What is it about your past that you think will bring you what you are truly seeking? What can it possibly bring? It can’t bring back that skinny figure. Nope. It can’t bring back the popularity you once had. It can’t bring back those who have passed on. It can’t bring back what once was. It just can’t.
What the past can bring if you let it is unforgiveness, bitterness, bad memories, judgment, shame, guilt, sadness, fear of success and failure; and a life you don’t want. If you don’t lay it down it will become and so will you; something that you don’t want to ever become. It will consume you if you are not walking toward your future free of the disease of unforgiveness.
How do I know? Personal experience. I was the kid who looked like a boy until 10th grade. I was the kid with the weight problem; I couldn’t gain it. I was the kid beat up by my adoptive parents and then was then bullied in school. I was the homeless kid at age 15 who was called a band fag because I played clarinet. I was the smart geeky kid who wasn’t popular. I was the hurt one who only knew how to carry that and that my friends; is what I did. And that is how I know the consequences.
I’ve learned many more lessons that I care to admit and I share them with you so that you can get around the mountain in less than 40 years. If I can help you at any moment live in freedom of forgiveness my days work is finished. How am I doing? Are you there yet? Just know that forgiveness is there. It’s for you. Your future is waiting. Forgive the past and run; don’t walk to the glorious future waiting to hug you!
Forgiveness is like nothing else in the world. It gives and spreads like love in paradise. It’s like the high when you have that twinkle in your eye about someone you met and like; and can’t wait to see again. It’s the beauty in life that continues the more you give it. It’s one of those things that until you truly grasp it, hold it, experience and live it- you can’t possibly understand.
I didn’t get it. I didn’t get that high or love until I learned forgiveness. I had no twinkle in my eye but rather a plank, along with many other things that kept me impoverished. It wasn’t until I learned how to forgive that my life was changed and I was free. Forgiveness is many things and in my first episode of ‘Living in Forgiveness’ I talked about what forgiveness is. Today; I share with you the how it gives you power in the easiest of ways.
1- Forgiveness opens your heart. With an open heart you can accomplish anything! The wounds of the past are no longer in control. You are free indeed.
2- Forgiveness opens your eyes. You will be able to see that people are people and they do what they know. What they don’t know is what can hurt the most. What you don’t know can hurt you too. I didn’t know the truth about my biological mother being told by our case worker that if she didn’t sell me to him for 10k he would make sure she never saw me again. Once I learned that; my eyes were opened. I saw for the truth and it’s the truth that makes us free.
3- Forgiveness puts you in the drivers seat. When you forgive you are disallowing any person and his or her burden to have any impact upon you. You have power unlike any other when you make the choice to forgive.
4- Forgiveness gives you peace. It’s a sickening thought when you realize the person who hurt you is living his or her life in joy all the while you are suffering. There is no peace in suffering; only silent turmoil. When you forgive you have peace. Inner peace. Peace to live and peace to be free. There is power in peace that comes from forgiveness.
5- Forgiveness gives you power to love. People who forgive also know how to love. For love is about forgiveness and forgiveness is about love. Love knows and records no wrongs. When you forgive you wash away the wrongs of others as Jesus has done for you.
There is nothing like peace and joy overflowing through the act of forgiveness. It brightens the day like the birds chirping in the trees to a love song. It’s a dance of love displayed between two people destined to be together who have barely just met. It’s a picture of beauty that we all want to capture and live. It’s in the power of a picture perfect moment waiting for you to create. Go now and forgive and live in the power of your act of forgiveness.
When forgiveness comes up in topic most people struggle with how to forgive the big things. This makes sense as the big things are big and big things always tend to outshine little foxes. The catch is that not forgiving the little things can hurt even more and prove more devastating.
When it comes to forgiveness Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive; thinking 7 would be enough. Well; Jesus something a little more than 70! Jesus also did not specify the magnitude of the things to forgive either; which is a clue that to forgive means exactly that.
In your life are your holding on to the little things? Little being the not so nice words someone said to you, the competition you were just in that you believe you were judged incorrectly, the jerk in front of you that can’t figure out how to signal, or that your spouse didn’t put the lid back on the toothpaste. These things add up.
While we can all laugh at these little things; they are big in that unforgiveness expands its territory in ways unimaginable. First comes the irritation, then the bitterness, and then resentment and anger starts to join the party. Before you know it; that person you once loved is seeking divorce, the person who didn’t signal is part of an entire group of people you happen to hate and the list goes on.
If you look closely at yourself; are there little things that have crept in? Are there little things lurking that give you that cringe? Perhaps if you are truthful with yourself you can may ‘yes’. Don’t worry as you are not alone. Once you get there you can make the choice to forgive. It will be the best decision you can make!
Issues are part of life. If you are alive you have issues. None are immune. In relationships; there are issues within the relationship itself along with issues that each person brings to the relationship. When the relationship ends many people are left broken. I remember a terrible relationship of mine ending and I told my friends I was left with heartache and his debt. I was also left with his baggage that I named unforgiveness.
Dealing with the end of a relationship is traumatic. Starting a new life without that person and even a new person can cause fear too. Where do you begin? How do you not make the same mistakes to end up where you are now- alone?
Forgive. The exes will always bring something and leave something as we all play a role in our relationships. It’s what you receive, give and accept that will have all the impact. I learned the hard way.
Should you allow the baggage from others become yours you will start living a life that is not what was truly intended for you. Do you want to become that person who brings your exes baggage to the next relationship? Of course not! You would only be making the same mistake while expecting a different outcome. Forgiving those that hurt you will set you free. Forgiving yourself for the role that you played in that too will free you. There is nothing that will help you lose weight quicker than forgiveness.
It took me decades to learn this lesson. See; unforgiveness keeps you being the victim. It keeps you looking at your past. It keeps you from seeing the good in other people. It keeps you from having joy, peace and anything worthwhile. Not everyone woman is a gold digger and not every man is a jerk who just uses women for sex. It just happens to be those that you have chosen to be in a relationship with that are. When you forgive; none of that will have any control over you. You, my friend, will be free.
When you are free from the wounds of others you will be transformed. The new people that come into your life will be more of a blessing that you could ever imagine. No longer will you live in comparisons of the past. No longer will you need to hold on to something that is killing you. No longer will your life be as it was. For you are a new creation seeking a new life with new abundance. And in the end; isn’t that what you have always wanted? It’s your time to get it!
It’s a challenging question that perhaps you can’t answer if asked so on this day I am asking. Who could you forgive?Could you forgive a spouse for cheating on you? I know many that would say ‘he.. no’! I am not forgiving someone who does that to me! I know some that may say no way until it happens and they realize yes they can. Could you forgive someone for stealing clients or even shares of your business? What about those who bully your children? Not challenging enough? How about this: could you forgive yourself? Forgive yourself for what you ask? It doesn’t matter. Could you forgive yourself for whatever you have done?
It’s time to think about the level of strength that you have in order to forgive. Why? Because forgiveness is not about anyone else but you. There will always be people who wrong us. Parents mess kids up and those kids then in turn mess their kids up. It’s a cycle and it appears none are immune. Many people turn into their parents and just for that reason alone; the lesson of forgiveness needs to be learned.
I was abandoned by my biological mother and for many years I hated her; along with most people. Even when I met my biological mother I remember her looking at my up and down and then walking away to go finish her phone call. My level of contempt for her just grew in that instant. And my life was a reflection of it. I blamed others for the mistakes they made all the while I continued the cycle.I had to learn forgiveness.
Years later I learned what forgiveness is and the process of being healed through it. Who could I forgive? Anyone for anything. You may truly question that but here is the thing: when you make forgiveness your lifestyle you are able to see the bigger picture. You are healed. You my friend are free. And that means no longer are you bound by the sins of others. Now please don’t think it would be easy; but rather doable.
How strong are you? My best guess is that you are stronger than you think and that strength is just a matter of choice.You see; the strong forgive and live as victors while the weak try to survive while living a victims. Ask yourself only who could I forgive but also ‘how strong do I want to be?’
Yes Son of Sam is free; but not in the way you think. People believe that they are free if they are not behind bars; yet all the while are living in internal bondage. Unforgiveness does that to a person. Unforgivness is a slow and sly death and it’s always lurking. Are you paying attention?
In the case of Son of Sam his forgiveness is not unique. Jeffry Dahmer gave his life to Jesus and then sought forgiveness of his crimes and later died in prison a Christian. Whether or not any of us believe that doesn’t change the fact that he, like Son of Sam sought forgiveness. What freedom! I’m sure it doesn’t mean you want to have a sit down dinner alone with either Son of Sam or Jeffrey Dahmer but at least it offers hope that whatever you have done there is forgiveness waiting for you too. Wonder how someone like Son of Sam could be forgiven for what he did? Don’t. Forgiveness is forgiveness and there isn’t a sin scale for any of us to measure others upon.
Son of Sam is known to terrorize NYC between 1976-1977 purposely didn’t attend his parole hearing because ‘Jesus has forgiven him and set him free’ as reported to his attorney. How wonderful is that? He is free! And probably on this day more free than most!
What’s wonderful is that forgiveness is there. It’s for you, it’s for me; and it is for anyone willing to seek it. Son of Sam sought Jesus and the gifts of freedom that come with such choice. While you may not agree does not change anything; for the Truth is always the Truth and it doesn’t change.
On this day what are you holding on to? How forgiving are you? How much forgiveness from others have you received or been able to receive? Perhaps it’s for things much less them murder but guess what? Bondage is bondage. Isn’t it time to get free? Isn’t it time to forgive? Isn’t it time to be forgiven? Once you do make that choice you will see that regardless of where you live or what you are doing or even with whom; you are free. The most ironic is that the one who shines this lesson does so as one of the most well known murderer in society still in prison.
It’s an amazing story all around no doubt. Could you imagine being taken in 2002 and then finally released in May 2013 to then forgive the man who stole so much of your life? Could you? You may be thinking ‘um. No!’ You are probably not alone. The good news is that you were not in that situation or faced with such a decision.
Michelle Knight or now known as Lilly Rose Lee made the choice to forgive Arial Castro for the torture she endured for over a decade. What a beautiful person right? What a great lesson for us all to be witness to.
What a great lesson for us all to see that regardless of what someone does to us; forgiveness can and does exist. To see that regardless of the acts of others forgiveness can still be given. What a gift to receive it; and what a gift to give.
While Arial Castro is no longer alive as he committed suicide Lilly Rose Lee is. Not only is she alive; she is free. Free from the bondage of that man but more importantly; free from the bondage of unforgiveness.
Have you ever been hurt? Probably right? Have you ever hurt someone else? Probably right? If you are reading this it’s safe to say you have been on both sides of the fence. If you were in the place of Lilly Rose Lee you may not want to forgive the man who stole the very essence of who you are although if you don’t wouldn’t you really just end up like him? Dead?
Lilly Rose Lee saw the bigger picture. She saw that her life and forgiveness was for and about her; and not anyone else. She is now living free in more ways than we could ever imagine or relate to. She gets it. She gets what it’s really about and is now truly able to enjoy what she has. Does it mean she is healed. Of course not! The good news is that forgiveness is on the way to be healed and made whole. Wouldn’t you rather be moving in that direction than letting the unforgiveness continue to rob you? Wouldn’t you rather not allow anyone or anything to master you? Why not start now and go get the gift of forgiveness that is there for you!