3 Steps to Forgiving a Cheater
One of those most painful experiences in life outside of the death of a loved one; is learning of infidelity of a spouse. It’s heartbreak at it’s deepest form. The lies, the deception; the other person. Forgiving someone who is that selfish is hard to grasp. Forgiving someone who cheats is a challenge for many and with reason. Forgiving someone who thinks nothing of the marriage or even you is mind boggling to say the least. Forgiving a cheating spouse who makes the choice to destroy a marriage, a family or two; and futures is probably the hardest to understand. If you have been there then you know.
The great news is that you can forgive. Is it challenging? Absolutely! The process of forgiveness is one that takes people on a journey of the pain and grief of the loss, the anger that settles in, the resentment and unforgiveness that spill over into what once was. If you open your heart it will be transformed and your future will be waiting for you; as it always is.
See; there are times in life when we all think that life will go a certain way but what I’ve learned is that life is what happens when you make plans. I didn’t plan to be cheated on. I didn’t plan to lose a child. I didn’t plan for my life to be filled with what it’s been filled with. But- I did purposely intend for it to be filled with forgiveness. My prayerful hope is that regardless of what that cheating spouse did or does; that your heart too is filled with forgiveness. Why?
1) Forgiving a cheating spouse isn’t about him/her. People do what they do regardless your forgiveness is about you for you. People are people and well; hurt one another. We all have hurt others and have been hurt. It’s what we do with the hurt that changes lives for the better. If you want your life to be changed recognize that your forgiveness isn’t about the other person. It’s about you and the choice to forgive.
2) Forgiving a cheating spouse is about your freedom. Harboring unforgiveness steals. It steals your joy, your life; and your future. It keeps you trapped to what once was. I remember feeling resentful about the fact that I was the victim and he moved on with someone else and had a beautiful family; after he destroyed ours. And here I was- alone. It took me years to realize that my unforgiveness was was trapping me. It stunted my growth and the the walls of my life kept me dying in silence instead of being free in forgiveness. Once I made the choice to forgive everything in my life changed. Peace was restored. Joy overcame me. My life changed in abundance! And dear reader; I am no different than you. Forgiveness and your freedom is waiting. Don’t let the mistakes of others keep you in bondage. Model Liberty Ross experienced forgiveness after her husband Rupert Sanders had an affair with Twilight actress Kristen Stewart. She said, ‘“People need to learn to forgive.” she explained. “I have no problem with anyone involved. I’m completely compassionate. I really am. No life is perfect, we all have our problems and issues and I believe that it’s good to be true to who you are.”
3) Forgiving a cheating spouse is about living toward your future. You have a future waiting for you. You have a life with wonderful experiences that are waiting. There are people that need you. There are lives for you to bless and be blessed by. If you are reading this now; you are alive. If you are alive you have something to look forward to. When you make the choice to forgive a cheating spouse your future will open. Your heart can move toward freedom and peace in new ways. Your future can open more opportunities for receive and give love; to grow with others; and to let your forgiveness light shine.
For many experiencing forgiveness toward a cheating spouse it takes time without a doubt. Like anything in life; it’s a process. It’s about healing, restoration; and freedom. It’s about a heart issue and recognizing that while people aren’t perfect there is hope and a future for us all. It is about taking one step at a time toward what is waiting for you and that is your future. And my dear friend you are worth it.
It’s not surprising in our self absorbed society to hear when a famous couple gets divorced. It happens daily and probably will continue as people continue to live more for themselves and their own likings. It’s just part of life. It is not possible to be in a healthy relationship and unforgiving at the same time. Perhaps we all could use a refresher of how to get over ourselves; and some more than others but I digress.
And so it goes; unforgiveness and divorce are linked. Unforgiveness does more harm to our lives than we realize and rightfully so as who truly wants to take the responsibility of looking in the mirror to recognize faults that are doing harm to self and others? I know I sure didn’t! Once I did though; my life and everything about it changed. If you are married and want to stay that way perhaps you should take a personal inventory so that you don’t lose the one relationship that you vowed would last until death do you part. In my post: https://julieblair.com/unforgiveness-causes-divorce/ I shared three ways that unforgiveness causes divorce and while you may think that is it; nope. Just wait! There’s more. Isn’t there always? On a topic as important as this we need to get it. The additional ways unforgiveness causes divorce are that it:
1. Depletes Intimacy– When couples are not enjoying each other’s company; the communication changes. Because you can’t not communicate you are still sending messages although not the ones of love and passion. When husbands withdraw from their wives it is as painful for the wives as it is when wives withhold sex from men. The level of rejection both feel through that separation leads to much change within each person, their marriage and into the rest of the family. Everything within a marriage starts in the bedroom and if the bedroom is as stiff as many boardrooms it’s evident what isn’t occurring. Forgiveness will restore that intimacy.
2. Builds Bitterness- Bitterness is spiritual poison. It rots the bones. It destroys the heart. Those at Harvard know this; even though it’s in the Bible in the Book of Ephesians. The Harvard findings in a 2005 reveal found that forgiveness reduces stress on the heart. Bitterness is a symptom of unforgiveness and the longer a spouse is bitter the more poison there will be in that marriage and as a result; the entire family. Bitterness and marital bliss cannot cohabitate. It’s better to not allow bitterness to rot your bones and wreck your life!
3. Keeps you self- focused. Unforgiveness in a marriage will keep the unforgiving party focused on self. It is not possible to be loving, forgiving and self-focused at the same time. When people are unforgiving it shows. It is reflected in their behavior, what they talk about, how they talk; and every other thing in the unforgivers life that revolves around self. To it’s end; a self-focused spouse will in the end leave the other with feelings of abandonment, rejection; and in the arms of another. People are not perfect and unforgiveness will blind you to this. If you are more focused on what you want for your own personal gain in your marriage; ask yourself if there is something your spouse did that you have yet to forgive. You probably already know the answer.
The bottom line is that unforgiveness kills. It destroys. It comes like the thief in the night; when you least expect it. It infiltrates lives and marriages to the destruction of them and if you are not quick to forgive you may be its next victim. Don’t be a statistic. Forgive. Your spouse will thank you. You will thank me. And we all will live happily ever after.
It’s no secret that divorce is rampant. It’s rampant everywhere; not just in Hollywood. The divorce statistics of those in the Church are just as high so apparently the lesson of forgiveness needs to reach us all! Perhaps marriage vows should read something more like, ‘Till I want to part because it’s Tuesday’ and not ‘ till death due us part’ because people really just don’t get it. It would make sense really since in today’s society it’s more about having million dollar weddings and marriages that last oh; a couple of months. And that’s a big maybe. So what’s the issue causing such divorce at record pace?
Unforgiveness. Yep. Sure you may be thinking, “Well, I have grounds. He’s not the man I married.” Or you may thinking, ‘She’s changed.’ And so? If she or he didn’t change you would be mad about that too so what really is the point? This is where we have it all wrong! Our society has deemed marriage disposable and worthless and the people in it are just as pathetic by the day of divorce decree. Are we just that selfish and narcissistic to not stop and see it? Anyone anywhere can come up with a justified reason for anything; but it doesn’t mean it’s good or even right; or even the best one and may see after the fact that the grass is greener on the other side but they still have to mow it.
See; the infidelity, withholding sex, silent treatment, drinking, not spending time together, growing apart, waiting for the children to go to college, job loss, income issues; and all the other things related to the reasons ‘why’ are just symptoms. Every single thing that is the cause of divorce is symptom related. The real issue is beneath all of those symptoms and most couples never recognize it. Why? Because they are too busy blaming and trying to be right rather than forgiving. If only couples would learn the lesson of forgiveness NOW so that these problems don’t become the cause of divorce we may have more marriages that actually do last a lifetime. So how does unforgiveness cause divorce?
1. Unforgiveness keeps you focused on the symptoms. When you are focused on the symptoms you aren’t able to see the problem. Why are you not having sex with your spouse? Why are you not spending time together? ‘Not having time’ is an excuse not the reason. People make time for what is important. If you are not then ask yourself when it’s divorce time who’s fault is it really? What am I doing or not doing that has my marriage where it’s at?
2. Unforgiveness is a victim mentality. We are all victims of things other people to do us at some point in life. None of us are perfect; none are immune. If you are living your life as the victim of what your spouse did to you it’s clear sign you have not forgiven. Period. If you want to get a clear picture stop and reflect on all the things that you have done that probably hurt your spouse in some capacity. Stop blaming your spouse when you are in the same marriage! Start forgiving.
3. Unforgiveness keeps you focused on the past. Unforgiving people live in the past. It’s all about what happened ‘way back when’ which really has nothing to do with ‘now but never mind actually bringing that up with them because it’s a moot point. That person will have plenty to speak about about how you missed the birthday party five years as a former neighbor of mine would remind her boyfriend every Friday night at the midnight living room fight. Clearly; a sign that they were not able to move on because she just could not let it go. It was five years ago! If you are hoarding the mistakes of your spouse from even yesterday it’s time to forgive. And quickly otherwise the resentment, bitterness and all the other symptoms will be evident to the extent of the death of your marriage.
If you want true freedom in your marriage; forgive. You don’t want to let the mistakes your spouse made destroy what you have invested your life to build. Don’t be like those in Hollywood who learn of their husband’s former flings and then harbor it for selfish reasons. It’s not worth it. It’s not to say that forgiving someone is easy because we all know it’s not and this is not a prosperity message. This is message written to save your life, your marriage, your family and your future. Take it serious while you still can. In case your forgot: forgive.
Lies are something of a fascination to me. It’s amazing how easily deceived people are by them; without even knowing it. They sweep in our lives and kill with such stealth moves leaving most of us paralyzed for life.
The other day I listened to an interview with singer songwriter Toni Braxton. She spoke much about her personal life; including the abortion she regretted.
Toni spoke about her family and the tough financial trials and the bankruptcy she went through. It was during that time that she got pregnant and couldn’t see herself raising a child when she was in the midst of financial fall. She talked about how much she regretted having an abortion and how selfish she now sees her choice.
What captured me was 1) she knew it was selfish, 2) her regret. Those two things speak volumes without a doubt. She continued that she later become pregnant and her child was born with autism. She believed the autism was punishment from God and that yes; she deserved it.
The entire story broke my heart! You see; there is forgiveness. There is freedom for abortion. Jesus died on the cross so that we could be forgiven our sins. And forgiveness knows no bounds. If you are like Toni; there is forgiveness for you. There is forgiveness for your selfish ways. All you have to do is ask. Do not be deceived into thinking that your choice to have an abortion isn’t forgivable. That my dear friend; is a lie.
I encourage you today to seek forgiveness because it will change your life. It will set you free. It will remove the chains of bondage. Let it all go! Let go of the shame, guilt, condemnation, self-loathing, regret; and all of rest of the cousins attached. There is no need to continue like Toni and live in shame as she said for the sins that she committed. There just isn’t. It’s a trap! Yes we all make mistakes there is no doubt although this sin is just as forgivable as all of the rest of them.
There is a future for your life regardless of whether or not you believe it just yet. There is hope too. You don’t have to live without it. You don’t have to continue to suffer in silence. You are valued. You are loved. You are forgiven. It’s just up to you to get it.
Yes Son of Sam is free; but not in the way you think. People believe that they are free if they are not behind bars; yet all the while are living in internal bondage. Unforgiveness does that to a person. Unforgivness is a slow and sly death and it’s always lurking. Are you paying attention?
In the case of Son of Sam his forgiveness is not unique. Jeffry Dahmer gave his life to Jesus and then sought forgiveness of his crimes and later died in prison a Christian. Whether or not any of us believe that doesn’t change the fact that he, like Son of Sam sought forgiveness. What freedom! I’m sure it doesn’t mean you want to have a sit down dinner alone with either Son of Sam or Jeffrey Dahmer but at least it offers hope that whatever you have done there is forgiveness waiting for you too. Wonder how someone like Son of Sam could be forgiven for what he did? Don’t. Forgiveness is forgiveness and there isn’t a sin scale for any of us to measure others upon.
Son of Sam is known to terrorize NYC between 1976-1977 purposely didn’t attend his parole hearing because ‘Jesus has forgiven him and set him free’ as reported to his attorney. How wonderful is that? He is free! And probably on this day more free than most!
What’s wonderful is that forgiveness is there. It’s for you, it’s for me; and it is for anyone willing to seek it. Son of Sam sought Jesus and the gifts of freedom that come with such choice. While you may not agree does not change anything; for the Truth is always the Truth and it doesn’t change.
On this day what are you holding on to? How forgiving are you? How much forgiveness from others have you received or been able to receive? Perhaps it’s for things much less them murder but guess what? Bondage is bondage. Isn’t it time to get free? Isn’t it time to forgive? Isn’t it time to be forgiven? Once you do make that choice you will see that regardless of where you live or what you are doing or even with whom; you are free. The most ironic is that the one who shines this lesson does so as one of the most well known murderer in society still in prison.
Mothers are known to be heroes. They have strength. They can do anything in the eyes of a child. They are wonderful; they are hormonal mistake-makers. Sometimes more often than not the focus is on the latter instead of the former.
Mothers live in a world of expectations that never end. It’s amazing that mothers can even survive the day much less teenagers, a career and all the additional goings on that occur in daily life. It’s amazing that they live to tell the stories of successes and failures.
Mothers need forgiveness for the mistakes they made. They are not perfect; there are merely people trying to do what is best and sometimes they have no clue what that is or what it looks like. How do I know? I have a mother. I have a biological mother who made a choice on that day in 1977 that drastically changed the course of my life. I have a mother whom I hated for most of my life. I have a mother whom I blamed for how my turned out. I have a mother who made a mistake. I have a mother that I made the choice to forgive.
The decision to forgive was something that not only changed my life; but hers as well. It changed the lives of those that I come into contact with. It forever changed how I see things. Never before could I grasp the choice that a mother, my mother had to make. You see; I was an almost victim of the baby black market in Canada in the 1970’s. I didn’t know. I didn’t know until I forgave my mother and learned the truth.
There are many things that a mother does that sometimes a child cannot understand. Perhaps this is true for you. Your mother has done things to you that have hurt you and you feel justified to harbor resentment, forgiveness and bitterness toward her. You are really hurting yourself more than you are hurting her. She knows why she did what she did. You on the other hand-do not. In all your mental glory you deem it appropriate to judge something you know nothing about. I sure did!
Once I learned the truth I was set free. I was set free from my unforgiveness but the truth as well. Additionally; the real Truth of course has set me free. I never again have to look back at the mistakes my mother made because they are not relevant. What is important is to see that none of us are any better and that we all make mistakes; mothers included.
Regardless of what your mother has done; there is a reason. Whether or not you like the reason or agree with it doesn’t change the fact that there is one. By forgiving your mother you will see and understand why. It will bring empathy to a situation that while harboring unforgiveness you could not see. Your forgiveness will not only change your life but hers as well. It will bring peace a relationship anew. And in the end; isn’t that what’ it’s about?
There is power in the tongue so reads Proverbs 18:21. The tongue can deliver life or death. By the words you speak you change lives; for the better or worse is up to you. By your tongue you can do more than you may think.
What is interesting is that universities are now getting involved in the message. What is offensive language is forever changing and if you are in a more mature generation or even if you were born before Atari you may recall that the term ‘Founding Fathers’. Well; universities have been on strike against those two words linked together for it is offensive to some. Who knows who the ‘some’ are although apparently there are those who find what those men did for the great Nation of America offensive and therefore; you may hear the term ‘pioneers’ instead.
What’s amazing is that through this change in speech at universities such as Duke; the right to free speech is also changing with it.
From personal experience professors at University of Phoenix are known to be highly encouraged and then reprimanded if action not taken to remove any and all references to the words Jesus, Christianity, Christian Church and Bible from their biographies. It’s a tricky thing when professors are required to share what they do outside of teaching a university class when the professors are not allowed to share it because they are afraid someone will be offended by what a professor does on his or her own time. I wonder if I had instead put ‘dancer with no clothes on for fun in the nighttime for extra spending money’ would have garnered the same results or if that would have just been viewed as ‘freedom of expression’. I digress.
The latest ‘Discouragement’ Campaign was recently launched at Duke to remove language that is oppressive to homosexuals and insults people. While a nice idea to not offend people although the overall campaign is missing the point.
Instead of focusing on not offending one segment of the population why not just bring the Proverb 18:21 in the lives of students not only at Duke but across universities and live by the words of Proverbs 18:21, ‘The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.’
When you speak words of live to others it changes them in positive ways. When we focus on segments of people we miss what we could and should be saying. In essence we remove the right to free speech.
Do we really need campaigns to remove our speech? Or do we just need to have a heart attitude filled with love and encouragement; one filled with uplifting others through our words? At what point will we grasp that what we need isn’t yet one more campaign for this or that but rather a changed heart? It isn’t about what we make it and until we see that; we will continue to use the wrong words for the wrong messages and will still get the same wrong results.
It’s a funny thing where people think they know something they don’t. Perhaps you thought something and were so solid in your belief and then ‘oops’ you were wrong. Yeah it’s happened to me to. Boy was I eating crow.
Judgment is one of those things where it keeps us focused in the wrong places and on all the wrong things. I remember moving from Denver to Dallas and going to get a bottle of wine on a Friday evening and hearing a man make a comment to me ‘another pretty woman alone on a Friday night’. Ouch! I cried. Pathetic yes I know but what I can say. I have my moments.
As I later reflected on that I also saw how other women are judged to. See; the pretty people get judged because they just must be so vain right? They must be stuck up or something along those lines is what people think. Others feel sorry for them and think ’tisk tisk she can’t get a date. It must be so horrible for her’ all the while those who may not be so pretty or perhaps are chubby are judged too. ‘Tisk tisk if only she lost weight she would be pretty.’ And the saddest is that through this judgement all the great women are home alone on a Friday night!
We simply have no clue what is going on in the lives of others. We just don’t. What you think is what ‘you’ think but is that reality? You don’t know until you know and if you don’t know then what on earth are you making your judgments on?
Debbie Gibson came out a few days ago feeling the need to explain to the world her weight loss and her physical appearance. If you don’t remember her think 1980’s singer who sang ‘Shake Your Love’. She is battling with Lyme disease and it’s caused some unexpected things in her life. Is it anyone’s business? Nope. Yet people have criticized her appearance without knowing one single thing.
How often have you criticized someone without knowing? How often have you had judgment in your heart because of something you thought you saw?
How do you not judge?
1- Remain focused on the Lord
2- Speak to others what you would want spoken about you
3- Know that what you see probably isn’t
4- Ask yourself how you would feel if you were judged in the way you are judging- and then stop
5- Recognize that people are people and none are better or worse
We’ve all been there thinking we know when we don’t. We just don’t. And if we did our hearts would move from judgment to compassion. The question is why not start with compassion? Why not get rid of the old ways of judgment of others and move to a new compassion revolution? Get on board now and fill your heart with compassion for others. You never know when it’s going to be the one thing that you need that will change your life. Go on- I dare you.
Sure many will have you believe that diamonds are a girl’s best friend; although I argue why not have two? Diamonds and dogs are a perfect combination on any day.
If you have a dog you may share in the joy of your pal and if you are not yet the proud owner of a pooch (pug pug pug) perhaps you will be.
I have been blessed with a pug with a personality like none other. Her facial expressions tell it all. Olive is her name. She not only brings such joy but also many lessons taboot. If you step back and look at all the things you have learned from you dog I’m sure there are many. A few I share are:
1. Patience. When I make Olive’s breakfast she sits pretty and waits patiently; watching intently. What a lesson as I recall the days of the past where I would get impatient waiting for microwave popcorn! Perhaps it’s the fact that I couldn’t decide what to name Olive so I included ‘Patience’ as a middle name since it was something I needed in my life.
2. There can be fun in anything. Dogs don’t hide this fact. Try to chase them to come inside and you will surely find out. It’s all about perspective and for them life is good and always fun.
3. Exploring new things is worthwhile. Dogs love exploration. The new smells of the grass, butts and flowers are all part of the majestic components of life. Of course we also can’t forget a great wardrobe is wonderful for the soul too! We can all learn to stop the routine and just look around and smell the beauty that surrounds us.
4. Sleeping is not a bad thing. Dogs know this and they don’t hide it. They aren’t like people where there is too much to do that in our attempt to do it all we end up not doing all of it to the level that we could because we are simply too tired. Nope. Dogs check out when they are done. Perhaps we should too!
5. Just because the food is there doesn’t mean it needs to be eaten. Now of course unless you are a lab who eats everything including the Slim Fast. Dogs eat until they are full and that’s that. There is no worry of the happy plate or leaving a few morsels. We may have smaller waistlines if we humans could only grasp that.
6. A little pat on the back goes a long way. It’s the simple things that mean the most. Dogs enjoy being rewarded as it inspires them to do more. How many pats can you give today to those around you?
7. Support for another can be silent. Dogs know when something isn’t right. They don’t need to do anything more than simply sit next to you; and perhaps place a cute paw on your leg or arm. It is their mere presence that says it all.
8. A good walk is energizing. Dogs love the outdoor breeze and fresh air. It’s about being outside that brings a refreshing to life. You may be surprised to how great you can feel just by getting out and taking a walk.
9. Being a part of something is good. Dogs as we know are pack animals. When left alone with other dogs they find their way. They find their own level of participation and involvement and it’s a good thing. People are no different. The inclusion and need to be needed is an innate quality in everyone. Isolation doesn’t work for dogs nor does it work for people either.
10. Unconditional love does exist. Regardless of how many mistakes you make dogs don’t care. They still love you. There is no judgment because you are who you are and that’s that. There is no need for you to change to get them to like you; they just do. And that is something we can all learn from.
There is much we can learn from the pup pals if we just sit back and reflect for a moment. The companionship offered isn’t anything you can buy in a store. It just comes with the entire package and those lessons that are part of the package can become lifelong ones so long as we let them. So how about you? What additional lessons have your dogs taught you?
Image of Olive is owned by Julie Blair. Any use of this image requires written permission.
It’s a serious question that we must ask ourselves. It is a command to love they neighbor for it is written in Mark 12:31 ‘The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Interesting isn’t it? You may have grown up hearing it but not now where it comes from. I ask again- do you really love your neighbor? It seems in our society that we love twitter, we love a great shoe sale or Duke basketball; even though they loss but do we really love our neighbor? Do we love the obese man next door? Do we love the African American to the other side of the house? Do we love the homosexual couple? Or do we just think we are speaking a good idea in theory?
Yesterday I had a conversation with someone and listening to her testimony truly touched me. See; all too often we interact with people and base whether we like them on political stances instead of the people themselves. Whether you are homosexual or agree with the lifestyle is irrelevant. It simply is. The Bible is clear but so do we need to continue to focus on that in that context or go bigger to see something else? In the conversation with this woman I was blessed to hear her story, her pain and loss and her victory that she now blesses others with. I could hear that what she wanted most was to be loved and accepted for who she is and to love others. It is natural. It is normal. Everyone wants to be accepted for who they are and right where they are. The good news is that you are!
So are you loving your neighbor? Are you living in the land of love or are you too busy judging others because they are not the size 2, driving the vehicle that you think is cool, or drinking your favorite beer? Are you looking down on someone because they don’t attend your 40k member mega-church? It is simply not the place of any of us to judge anyone as that in and of itself is sin. Who is anyone to look at the life and path of another and condemn them? Am I not just as guilty for the sins I have committed? See; being homosexual is no different in the eyes of God as adultery, abortion; or stealing a pen. Sin is sin and we have to remember that. Sure the outcome may be different but that simply is not the point for this moment.
It’s amazing how many don’t realize the magnificent and the magnitude of the words Jesus spoke before His death: ‘Forgive them Father for they know not what they do’ (Luke 23:34) and how true it is! People are hurting by their sins so why judge them even more?
I remember a few years ago I was walking out of a store and a strange gentleman asked me my plans for the evening. I replied ‘none’ and his reply was ‘oh another beautiful lady home on a Friday night.’ Ouch! What I saw though was that the pretty ladies are judged for their looks just as much as the not so pretty ladies. In the end- all are home alone on a Friday night. And that’s not cool!
We are only called to love our neighbors. It’s that simple. None of us know the specific path that someone has been through. We just don’t. Know one has walked my journey except for Jesus and the same is for you. I will be dealt with on Judgment Day as will all of us whether we believe it or; like it or not or want it or not. Through al of this so long as we hold over those who we believe are more sinful than ourselves we are simply playing God. It is not up to any of us to place ourselves in that position as what we think today may be different tomorrow. It is only our responsibility and duty to reach out and love our neighbors and demonstrate that love so that others can see the light and forever be changed.
How