The Value of a Woman
While it may seem like woman have made advances in being treated human; it’s clear that this really isn’t the case. Around the world women are still treated as second class citizens, paid less, demeaned to administrative roles in the church; and the list goes on. When will women be seen as the beautiful, intelligent, creative; and thriving people that they were created to be? What will it take for women to not be continually oppressed and suppressed on a global scale?
It’s everywhere in culture. Commercials make nothing more of women than scantily clad high priced hookers while others show just how much women hate each other. Television shows elevate women as being nothing more than a’trophy’ wife as that is all she is worth? Why is this acceptable? Why is it funny to see such filth at Meet the Millers and have women call themselves terrible names with audiences finding it funny? Why are not both women and men outraged at the treatment of it? Why is no one seeing it and not finding it funny?
Understand that this is not about blame. It is not about men beating women down. It simply is not. It is more about a change of heart to see the reality of where women are and continue to be; along with the fight they go through just to be recognized as something more than a sex object and cook.
Women are not correct in the battle either as there are those who are feminists who cry out for woman power yet use their platform to annihilate Sara Palin every chance they get; only because she is not like them. Both parties are guilty and something needs to change. Love needs to happen.
In Saudi Arabia women suffer. They suffer daily. They continue to experience injustice and in ways that American women could never imagine. The latest is the number of Saudi women who are fined for driving vehicles. There is a ban for women to be able to drive a car. “Police stopped six women driving in Riyadh, and fined them 300 riyals ($80) each,” said the capital’s police deputy spokesman, Colonel Fawaz al-Miman. While the monarchy is the only country in the world where women are barred from driving; it doesn’t mean that there aren’t other women in other countries who are not even considered worthy of anything.
The point overall is that women have value. Woman were not created as second class citizens. Women were not created to just lie on their backs for the benefit of men whenever they need their fix. Women were not created to have no mind, no thoughts; no opinions. They just weren’t.
It was women who traveled with Jesus. It was women who were there when the tomb was open. It was women who stood when there were no men. Perhaps looking at them through different eyes one will be better able to appreciate God’s creation and not mans’ destruction.
(mans’ destruction does not equate gender in the final sentence.)
It’s incredible that there are so many who push the ‘feminine’ agenda and all about the power of women unless it’s the likes of Sara Palin or Maria Kang; or those who are prettier than they are. Why ladies; can we all not come together to celebrate the essence of women instead of hating each other? Don’t we get enough of this from television commercials, men, religion; and everything else? It’s a worldwide issue and we together have the power to make it stop. It doesn’t matter if you are in Australia, Saudi Arabia, Canada or Tokyo it’s all the same,
The latest story of of the 32-year-old Maria Kang who is a fitness model and former beauty pageant contestant-oh and military wife and mother of 3. She posted a picture wearing workout attire with her children asking ‘What’s Your Excuse?’ The backlash she has received is enormous! The question is ‘why do so many women care what other women are doing’? Why are you giving so much time hating one woman when you could be loving yourself?
For women who want to or say they want to embrace each other; stop the bickering. Stop the backbiting. Stop focusing on what other women are doing. Stop comparing and blaming everyone else for your body image issues. Just stop it.
Women need to look at women for who they are. Maria Kang is a military wife, she is a mother of 3; and she is judged for what she looks like. If you feel bad about yourself after looking at models or beauty queens; then stop looking at it. If you know eating fries isn’t healthy; then stop. It’s that simple.
So long as women judge women for being too big or small; for being too pretty or ugly we will never advance. We will never be friends. We will never be in business together. We will never get past the small-mindedness of talking and gossiping about people to the level of speaking about ideas and ventures.
Ladies let’s get past what we think other women should be doing or looking like and start focusing on what we individually can and should be doing for the best change in our lives. Let’s stop the misogyny and celebrate women together. Don’t you agree?
Interesting question isn’t it? Maybe you are pondering this right now. Should I? Shouldn’t I? There are so many options where does one start? Match.com, E-Harmony, OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, Chemistry, Christian Mingle, Christian Single; Ashley Madison- oh she’s not about making marriage she’s about marriage destruction. Anyway; what you decide is between you and the Lord but here are some things to ponder before getting yourself into a game.
The purpose for many in the online dating pool is ultimately marriage; while for a select few it is finding a mistress because they are in sexless marriages and others just want to be friends and hang out. There is a myriad of options which is fine. The bigger question is: what are you doing it for? What is your goal? What is your focus? This leads me to something bigger.
Many people and pastors included have written on the topic that there is no set of instructions in the Bible for dating. While this may be true in the specific literal term the Bible is very clear about a few things:
1- But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6: 33 (NIV) If you are seeking eharmony where is the focus? Obviously not on the Kingdom right? It probably is not on seeking the Lord to find out why you are still single in the first place. Being single isn’t about going out and just finding someone it’s about being the right someone for the someone that God has for you. If you just skip this step you will get the wrong someone and then most likely go back to God and complain about who you chose and settled for. Now sure you may be one who replies with something like,’Julie you just don’t understand. I’m not 30 anymore and there are no good men or women in my town.’ Ha! I am not even 35 even more! I live in a city where there are 8 women per 1 man and the men have been so emasculated by the women that they haven’t even crawled out of the cave to the proper way in which to ask a woman on a date! I get it trust me. It doesn’t change the fact that your focus being on the other person isn’t doing anything to change you in godly ways.
2- Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1Thes 5:18 (NIV) Now sure most singles aren’t giving thanks for being single until they get married and then wish for it right? When we look at this if you are in a position you don’t want to be in and are fighting it; then where is the thanks? Are you thanking the Lord that during this time you are single or are you complaining about it and then taking it into your own hands because you think you know better? If you are saying ‘Thanks God for E-harmony. I got it from here’ do you really? Only time will tell. The time being single is better spent becoming that right person and being able to do more for the Kingdom because once you are married you will have different things in your life.
3- But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” 1Sam 16:7 (ESV) It’s pretty hard to see someone’s heart when sifting through all the images to find the attractive rich ones with no kids isn’t it? “Oh yes; this one is good for me: he has hair and makes 100k per year. He must be the one for me!” Yep. Just like the last Mr. Not So! Do you see the pattern? Now is it wrong to want someone who works and makes money? Of course not! But let’s get real: men look at the images of women and women look at the salary requirements. There is no need to sugar coat it. No one wants poor and ugly.
4- Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Phi 4:8 (ESV) Are you having pure thoughts when browsing through all the photos of the singles on the dating sites? Or are you judging just a little? Perhaps lustfully? Perhaps curious if they really do still look like that? Heck are you even representing yourself to the truth that you are? That’s probably the better question as that too is an injustice for the would be browsers to your profile!
5. “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” Prov 16:9 (NIV) Is it your plan to go out and do this online dating thing because you are tired of waiting? Is it your impatience running the show? Might God have a better plan? Perhaps laying yourself down too would be of benefit.
5- Keep your eyes straight ahead; ignore all sideshow distractions. Prov 4:25 (NIV) Now this one can get tricky as online dating for some may not prove to be a distraction; however, for many it proves to be so. How so? Time? Time to play the game. Time spent emailing back and forth with multiple people. Time on the phone. Time meeting only to find out that it was a waste of time. Time. Time not spent focusing on the Lord and becoming who you need to be in order to be prepared for the person He already has for you. Time. It is time. Regardless of how you look at it it can not be said enough. It’s time.
I’ve tried it. I’ve tried them all and I want my time back. I would like to say that I didn’t meet the former pastor who dumped me via text and then a month later wanted to make things right by justifying it because he didn’t want to deal with the ‘drama’. I would like to share that the christian man didn’t tell me that he was dating a married woman and that if I didn’t go to his house for sex he would call the other ‘2’ who would; neither of which were the married one he was dating. I would love to share with you that there isn’t an expectation of sex by the 3rd time of meeting; and yes these are from Christians. I would like to share with you that it would be nice to not have been cursed out with every obscenity in an email for still an unknown reason. I would like to say that I didn’t put my time toward it; but I did. I invested my time into all of it. Money too.
I thought what you may be thinking: “it’s hard to meet people and it’s better than going to the bar and people at church are too churchy or married. I want to be married and have what my friends have.” I get it. Trust me; I do and probably more than you realize. The good news is this: ‘Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.’ Heb 13:8 (NIV) The promises in the Word are true and this means for you too. I’m not saying online dating is bad or don’t do it; I am just giving you insight to help you make better decisions about the direction that is best for you.
There is a plan for you. Maybe it’s getting to know Jesus and learning more about what you need to work on with Him so you are ready when that person comes. You would hate to miss it! Maybe it is signing up and getting in the game! Who knows? Only God. He did after all create you from the dust of the earth.
Dating is a time to get to know someone else. It’s a time for enjoying the company of someone and determining whether that person is someone you would want to learn more about and get to know. The catch is that in our society of selfishness, self focusedness and selfies it’s become more difficult to get away of the ‘I’ focus. If you are the center of your world and have no pets, no kids and no plants; or anything besides yourself it’s a tough lesson to learn. Some things that may cause you from getting past the first date may be some of the ‘I’ items that may be getting in your way. These include:
1- Focus too much on your education. Sure you went to Princeton but so what? What else is there?
2- Focus on all the places you have traveled to. It’s nice you have traveled the world but what does that have to do with the person listening?
3- Focus on all the name dropping of all the famous people you know. What does you knowing famous people have to do with anything?
4- Focus on the titles you have had in your career. Your title may only imply you are more interested in titles than developing who you are without them.
5- Focus on all the stuff you have collected and car you drive. It’s nice you have toys and shoes but what else is there beyond spending money on things that simply depreciate?
If you are out to meet someone else yet spend more time talking about yourself all it reveals is that you are:
1- Trying to prove something.
2- Bragging.
3- Egotistical
4- Insecure
5- Not interested in the person you are with or getting to know that person.
You see it’s one thing to share who you are but yet if you spend the entire time selling yourself as to why you are so wonderful yet forget to ask a single question about the person you are there to get to then what is there? How possible is it to get to know someone else if you only share how wonderful you are? What really can you expect if you leave without knowing anything about the person you were just with?
It can be a challenge to get to know someone so just ask yourself how much of what you talk about is you focused compared on others focus? Getting away from what you think is going to sell you to simply sharing who you are will get you much further than you think. I challenge you today to ask yourself, ‘Who am I?’ instead of ‘What am I?’ and go from there. I’m curious to know that beyond what you have. Aren’t you?
With more than 40 million people dating online one may appear as the best place to go. Find love in the comfort of your home and in your jammies; what could be better. While it may serve the purpose for many who venture to Match. com, Plenty of Fish, Checkhimout, E-Harmony or any of the others it’s a great thing. On the other side for others it’s a dipping pond of disappoint. The lies, the fake profile pictures, the cancellations; and the list goes on. Could it be that in order to get to the status of being marriable one has to be datable first?
In order to be datable here are a few things to consider and ask yourself before taking moments from the life of someone else.
1- Am I too busy? If you do not have the time to date then why put a profile online in the first place? Why try to meet someone if you are not able to commit to the time that it would take to do so?
2- Can I keep a scheduled date? If you are cannot commit to keeping a date then perhaps you should not venture toward trying to get one in the first place. If your children or other activities require you to not be able to commit then you should be mindful of the message it sends to someone.
3- Can I afford it? Many people have the misconception that it costs men and not women money to date yet they are mistaken. Sure it does cost men money to day; however, women too have to pay although in a different way. Studies continue to reveal that single women have to pay more annually for maintenance than married women and when single; there is a lot of competition out there. If women don’t play the game of ‘keep- up’ they will never land the man. Knowing that men are visual women have to spend the extra time and money to have the proper appearance in order to attract someone in the first place. Yes men typically do pay for a date although times have changed and now both are paying. Regardless; if you are not in position to afford it then don’t get yourself in the situation in the first place.
4- Are my priorities in order? If you have an interest of taking a woman out ‘only’ when the game isn’t on then how long will it last? There will always be a game on and trying to juggle all the games and women will only land you alone in the end. If your only love affair is with a television portraying men running on a field, quart, or ice arena perhaps recognizing this is the first step and then determining what your priorities are. It’s ok if you wish to have more time with your buddies watching games at the bar all weekend; just don’t expect a date with a real woman who wants your time. People are how they are when you meet them!
5- Am I in proper position to date? Is my car registered, can I drive to pick a woman up, do I have air conditioning. It’s amazing how many times I have heard that men in Dallas do not have air conditioning. In Denver or Seattle; ok it’s different. In Dallas in the heat of the summer to not have air conditioning is quite another story!
6- Am I emotionally stable? If you are not over your ex, exes; or parents divorce 25 years ago then perhaps getting into a dating relationship isn’t going to help. Two dysfunctional people together do not create function. Brittany Spears and Keven Federline proved this. Taking care of personal issues means less baggage to a relationship that would only cause it to end sooner than it should.
7- Are my finances in order? Now it’s not to say you have to have a perfect credit score; however, if you are not financially fit then spending your money taking care of financial issues would be the more prudent decision. Knowing that many dating situations lead to marriage; it would be wise to take care of all the areas of your household so when it’s time to date you are in the best position financially so it won’t be an issue in the long term.
8- Am I respectful of boundaries? When you respect yourself then it’s much easier to set boundaries. If you expect and give sex on the first date then there is a clear sign of no boundaries, prudence; or self control. It sends the wrong message and if you do not set boundaries then you are allowing the person to treat you any way you wish and you not respecting the boundaries of others will also send a wrong message. Be respectful of yourself and if the person you date isn’t for you; then that only means you still have your self respect in tact.
By taking the time to think about whether or not you are actually ready to date you will not only show yourself some self respect but those around you too. It’s not fair to those you wish to date to not be in position to at least drive somewhere because you haven’t yet taken care of the standard operations of being an adult. If dating leads to marriage then starting with self would be the first place to begin. It’s always better to date a healthy person before marrying one wouldn’t you think?
It’s a simple question really. Are you a people pleaser? Would you even know it if you were? Do you by chance know the symptoms or results of being one? Probably not as most don’t. It’s one of those things that is pretty tricky because being a people pleaser always results in someone not being pleased.
People pleasers mean well. The goal typically isn’t like that of the narccisist as that person’s only goal is to elevate their own self for their own gratification all the while living on Deceit Lane. The people pleaser is different in that it isn’t about self-elevation at all; more often it’s about the root fear of rejection. In the end it simply leads to self-destruction.
‘Destruction in what’ way you ask? Destruction in numerous ways. Let’s identify just some:
1- Lower self esteem. Seeking to always please others can’t lead to a healthy self esteem or positive image because the very act of people pleasing only steals the person’s soul. You see; when you allow people to treat you in a way that they want and not how you deserve it will always be a conflict. When the idea or goal is to please others and it doesn’t work most people are left wondering what is so wrong with them that all their effort didn’t come to the fruition that they expected. Never mind the fact that trying to please people who don’t know what they want never works; but most don’t see this because they are too busy trying to be pleasing. In the end; when it doesn’t work the feelings of rejection can only creep in.
2- Unhappiness or discontent-Are people genuinely happy? Perhaps although what’s ironic is that those who have more money don’t prove to be any happier or content than those without. Who knew? If you are on who went to law school because daddy did; are you reeping the rewards of it? Are you truly happy and content with your life? Or would you be happy and content opening a seafood business on the coast of Maine? Trying to please people never leaves the pleaser with the internal feelings of content because pleasing people is a never ending process. One only need to look at any Hollywood star in crisis and see this. Sure some of it may be a marketing stunt; however, it was Miley Cyrus who shared that being a people pleaser won’t make her any happier because there are too many people to please. Of course most can thank the Lord they don’t have that many people to please right?!
3- Broken dreams or dreams never achieved or sought after. Those who are people pleasers put themselves last. The focus is never on the people pleaser; but rather the pleasing. That in an of itself is a pure distraction to living life. Every person was created with a purpose and and getting caught up in the ideas of pleasing others who are going about living their lives and dreams is only pure heartache for the person people trying to be pleasing. If you have dreams and you never wake up or chase after them because you are living an ordinary life people pleasing; then who’s fault it is that you never made it to being extraordinary? It takes guts to go after dreams and live your life! What others think you should do is not worth your time because you are the one faced with the consequences of your decision. It’s not to say that the opinions of others who are close to you have no value; but you have to discern their motives for you; otherwise you may find that their misery loves your company too much. Who have you been trying to please over chasing your dreams?
4- Resentment- Resentment is a funny thing. Typically when there is resentment; bitterness is there too. Perhaps at times anger and frustration; and all the other cousins. When there is more focus on someone else; who is focusing on you? It would be similar to a wife being focused on her needs and the husband too. Where is the focus on the husband? The opposite of course is true and in the end; there is someone not getting the results he or she is seeking. Please also understand that not only does resentment build toward the person; but also internal resentment toward self as well. Wouldn’t this make sense as how many people would be living their dreams of owning a food truck instead of sitting in an office answering the telephone all day because it’s the family expectation?
5- It’s a trap!-People pleasing is a trap. There is no way around it. It keeps the person’s focus in the wrong place with the wrong outcomes; and the wrong perception of self with the wrong internal feelings. It never ends. It doesn’t give life; it steals it. It brings nothing of identity to the person who thinks that he or she is pleasing; and it never fills. It is like a cancer that starts slow and then spreads until its victim no longer has a life; no longer has a purpose; now longer has an identity. It’s a vacuous soul waking up to die one day sooner. What a waste. One day it is too late as too much time has past and all those broken dreams are gone. Vanished. Just like that.
In this world everyone has expectations. Society of course helps the cause and the advancements in technology push things along as well. You have to do this to be cool, you need to wear this otherwise you are uncool, you need to dine at this restaurant because it’s where are all yuppies and guppies go. You need to wear your hair like this because the ‘Rachel’ is back again. This new hybrid is the latest you need; but never mind the fact that you can’t actually get up a mountain in it. Your parents are doctors so why would you be the unfortunate child to go into law instead?
You couldn’t possibly take time out for yourself now could you? Of course not! Why on earth stop and take a moment to reflect on whether or not you are living your life for you; or for those that don’t care? Who has time for that? Ain’t nobody got that time for that! And that- is the biggest problem. A life lived for others who are busy pursuing their own is the biggest strategy to face today. Maybe the time is today to stop, reflect; and dig deep. Are you too busy pleasing others to recognize that in the process you forgot to look in the mirror and see your own reflection?
Fool me once shame on you; fool me twice you know the deal. Shame on me right? Does everyone deserve second chances? Are there any who are more or less deserving? After all it was Peter who betrayed Jesus and he was given a second chance? Should the same be for everyone in every situation? Let’s explore.
Everyone makes mistakes. There is no way around this. We all are ignorant and do things we regret or perhaps don’t regret but just didn’t think through that clearly. In marriage; one obviously has to be forgiving else how can there be an expectation of even staying married? Do you give someone who has an affair a second chance? There are plenty who say ‘absolutely not!’ while others find that they are able to get past it.
What about in dating? Are second chances worth it? It’s different than in marriage because dating brings an entirely different myriad of issues and if you are the one giving too many chances then will you get just walked all over before getting to the altar.
People are who they are they are when you meet them. Ladies pay attention to that! Men; you too. People are who they are when you meet them. Now they may be nervous; but their character is pretty representative of who they are. You don’t need to question daily your first impression now do you? So it begs the question: how many chances does one get in dating to profess their love to you when they attempt to stomp on you before you simply say ‘no thank you’.
Perhaps if more people up front thought about the manner in which they treat people and were not so selfish; there would be less things to be needing chances for. The good news is that it’s great character building! Perhaps if people paid attention in the first place they wouldn’t put themselves in such they wouldn’t continue to get walked on; but is that really true? It’s hard to know something you don’t know and unfortunately; you can’t know it until you know it.
The question is: when are people going to see the reality and step up and for their value?
It is no different than if someone starts to build a relationship with another who deems it appropriate to dump via text and then later returns for apology- but does it via text. How ironic eh? Do you accept it? Why or why not? Do you think that the change of heart is true? Of course it depends on the situation and the person but bottom line is that it takes more consideration than just a flipid response.
People will show you who they are if your eyes are open. Whether or not you accept the apology and forgive is one thing; but walking right back into it is quite another. Would anything change? Perhaps; but that isn’t the real issue. The real thing to understand isn’t the fact that someone gets dumped via text. That’s miniscule in the big scheme of things. It’s the character of the person who does it that is more telling. It’s the lack of respect shown to another that is more telling. It’s the fact that people deserve more than to be treated with disrepect; regardless of what your name is.
When living life the most important thing that people will remember about you is your character. What does it reveal to others? Of course everyone makes mistakes. There is no way around this. The thing is when you do make mistakes; what do you do about it? That- right there in and of itself is what will be shown more than anything about who you are. If you want people to think different of you then perhaps behaving like it would be a nice start.
While society appears to be progressing in some ways; others are still as oppressive and objectifying as they always have been. There has been a lot of buzz today about the dating ‘tips’ for women in 1938. The first I found was in msn and everywhere else; as if we need more things for women to and do not do. Isn’t laundry, working, taking of the kids, looking beautiful everywhere she goes, managing the finances and working out enough? I guess not? We need a good reminder of what the proper dating tips were in case we forgot or are are out of line with our behavior. In case we are unable to get a date these apparently are good reminders. Never mind the fact that they are all directed toward women and what women should do. Never mind the fact that through numerous searches how men should treat women isn’t examined. Interesting.
How was dating in 1938? Well; my best guess is better than today. If I did know from first hand experience I would look beyond fabulous for my age! Today there are more options and the click of a button allows men to just skip you like the car driving by. Yes of course women do the same so it’s fair game but the point is the behavior of society has changed. Let’s examine what the appropriate behaviors for women were in the 1930’s.
Ladies listen up as you may learn something; or just get irritated but I digress:
1-Careless women never appeal to gentlemen. Who wants to take that home to mom? Careless I’m sure in the 1930’s may have meant something different; although there are I’m sure some similarities that can be useful. It’s only in the movies that the loose prostitute ends up with the wealthy man.
2- If you need a brassiere, wear one. Let’s just go with the fact you do. Done. Make it simple for the rest of the women out there and just wear one; or stay home.
3-Don’t be sentimental.” Don’t get him to be emotional and talk about his feelings. Men don’t like tears; especially in public. Yes it’s just whatever the man wants because after all; he has to decide whether or not he likes you. Never mind the fact that you have a brain and the options to choose if he is worthy of you right? There is more about the history of where this not talking about stuff came from but that is for another time.
4- Don’t be familiar with your escort. Open affection is in bad taste. Interesting that men are considered the escort but when Heidi Fliess did it the tables were turned. Bottom line is don’t touch him. Forget those love languages folks! That means nothing. What if he touches you? Do you ignore him? Oh never mind we are only focused on what the woman are to do; how soon I forget.
5- Please and flatter your date by talking about the things he wants to talk about. In other words you are there for the purpose of him and his needs. You ladies have none. You are only there to be what he needs because you have no other purpose. And then we wonder why the feminist movement is so strong? We can see that Jesus never treated women in such this manner to require this type of treatment. How far have we come that women are to just be interested in the existence of men; and possibly their football game?
6- Don’t be familiar with the headwaiter talking about the fun you had with someone else another time. Men desire, deserve your entire attention. Oh by the way; taking a lady to Hooters and then checking out the waitresses isn’t cool either. Your date desires and deserves your attention. Just saying.
7- Don’t drink too much, as a man expects you to keep your dignity all evening. Drinking may make some women clever, but most get silly. Ladies don’t behave like this as they are a bit wiser than this. Wouldn’t this tie in to #1 with being careless? Perhaps it should be written gents don’t get your lady drunk in order to pull a fast one on her? How about that for a tip? Maybe?
8- Don’t sit in awkward positions and never look bored. Be alert and if you must chew gum, (not advised) do it silently, mouth closed. Then don’t talk about football! Pick something like hockey or Duke basketball; or firearms. This just reminds me of the some woman pandering the Dos Equis man just because he thinks he is interesting! Never mind the fact that God created women with a brain right and that it takes brains to pretend to be interested. Women have been doing this for far too long without men even noticing; isn’t the ceiling beige after all?
9- Don’t talk while dancing. Ladies again; be quiet. What’s great though is the fact that men knew how to dance. How many today can say that? Yes I know you west coast swingers out there do but you are a small part of the population. Perhaps that should be a dating tip for men in current time: learn to dance. Put away the PS3 and learn some moves. Ladies; recognize he may want you silent because he has to concentrate on his steps. That counts for more than you realize!
10 – The last straw is to pass out from too much liquor. Chances are your date will never call you again. Well; after having to go through all that who would care if he called or not? It’s a lot of work just to sit there and be quiet!
As we can see that through the years there has been much expected of women. While some things on the list perhaps may be funny and outdated; when you look beyond the list it’s the expectation of women to be objectified and spend a lot of time and effort to be so. It still continues today it just costs women more than it used to. Now it’s not to say all men do this to women as we know this isn’t true although it’s true of society in general.
Until we get above it all it will continue. My best bet is that you would rather be a woman with a good heart than one who may talk while dancing. My best bet men is that you would rather have a good woman who has a life and doesn’t live to listen to you just say your day was ‘fine’- every day. My best bet is that when both men and women have their hearts in the right place that the rules of behaviors won’t need to be written. The question is: will this ever happen?
It’s ironic that both men and woman say the same thing about each other: ‘We just don’t understand them”. This would make sense since men are not women and women are not men. Sure there are some that say men are from Mars and women from Venus but that would mean you would have to actually go there to know this; and how many men would take that journey? In order to get it you have to get beyond yourself and of course we go go back to where it all started with Adam and Eve; but that isn’t the examination of this article today. Perhaps another time.
To help men understand women and grasp where the oh so crazy ideas are coming from it will be explained in simple terms; not because men are stupid but because simplicity is best. Here we go:
1- Women take what men say literally. What does this mean? Well gents; if you tell a woman something like, ‘you are beautiful’ or ‘I will be home in about an hour’ that is what she is working with. If you say something like, ‘We’ll go on a road trip to Austin. You will love it’ the woman will listen to the action of what you said. If you tell her you are going to call then guess that? She is expecting a phone call. Otherwise; why would you say it? Note if you are a liar then we need not say more but again- who would tell the truth about that?
If you compliment her, then kiss her at the end of the date and tell her you will call her- and then don’t you have just done more damage than you know. It’s a triple whammie! Not only now are you the liar, but why would you kiss her if you didn’t like and why would you say you would call if you have no intention of doing so? See guys; what this does is mess it up for the next guy who comes along.
Just as I wrote to woman that their behavior sets the stage for those who follow and the same thing here. If you don’t follow through and give her the wrong impression then she is going to wonder what is so wrong with her and what she did wrong. Now she may have done nothing wrong which is why you complimented her, kissed her and said you would call but that isn’t it. She is going to internalize that she did something wrong because you didn’t follow up. She is left not knowing a single thing other than it was a big farce. Then when the next man comes along; she most likely hasn’t forgotten what the last one did and now with you she is more on guard than she ever was. By you being honest you will save yourself, the men who come after you; and he ladies as well.
You may ask ‘how do I get around saying I will call when I know I won’t’? Well; don’t tell her that you will. Just tell her you had a nice time and leave it at that. This way; when she calls her girl friends a couple days later to complain that ‘you didn’t call’ her friends will ask ‘did he say he would call?’ and she can say ‘No. He didn’t.’ While she may be hurt at least the truth would be out instead of her having the statement ‘he said he would call’ and ‘he just proved he’s a liar’ to work with.
I know and have heard from some men that honesty is not the best policy here but let me just tell you from personal experience: I would much prefer the truth than a lie. I once went on a fabulous 3 hour lunch followed by a spontaneous movie with a man and it was awesome! Every single thing about it was better than any date in the previous 9 years and then nothing. No call, nothing. I was left not knowing anything. To have not been told he would call would have been much easier to swallow than hearing he would and not knowing why he didn’t. Take it from me; women may not like the fact you don’t call but at least you were honest and women can respect that. You wouldn’t be a jerk you would just be a man who didn’t call. Do you see the difference?
2- Compliments mean something. When a man compliments a woman it’s a beautiful thing. In case you haven’t noticed; women go out of their way to look good for you. Some even starve themselves or enlarge their chest just to feel better about themselves so that you guys will take note. Short skirts, high high heels, makeup; need I say more. Yes in this instance much of it all about you. (We won’t talk about how some women do it for other women in this post.) When you compliment a woman she hears it and it is affirming; but now if do nothing to follow it it then it’s a big blow to her ego. Let me explain: if you go out with a woman and tell her how beautiful she is then why wouldn’t you want to go out with her? If you tell her that ‘she is the perfect package’ then what is the issue that you don’t want to continue to go out with her? Do you see how this ties in to #1.
3- Over-complimenting is creepy. Giving a compliment is one thing but over-complimenting is something else. Sure it’s nice to hear ‘You are beautiful’ ‘I love your mind’ ‘I love your curves’ and so on but if all you do is give compliments one after another after another after…. you will leave her wondering what is wrong with you. She also will become more reserved because you will come off as a smooth salesman who just says the right things because he thinks it’s what a woman wants to hear as opposed to it being genuine. If you use compliments to get them back; that too will be a trap because she may be as smooth in that area as you are. She may give them in other ways and if you listen not only with your ears but your eyes too you will get much more.
4- Telling women you enjoy touching them in a first date is scary. If it’s a first date and you are unsure what she thinks of you; don’t tell her that touching her makes you feel good. You have just freaked her out! If you then couple it with ‘my love language is touch’ then now you are just sly. You are using The 5 Love Languages to justify getting what you want from her and that guys; does not make it ok. What she hears is ‘I get off on touching you’ which is extremely uncomfortable. It also tells her that you are more interested in how ‘you’ feel than how she does and you are now selfish and only interested in yourself. A big red flag! Now in other situations where you already know her that can be great but on a first date she is thinking she needs to take a shower to get the filth off.
5- Talking about the type of women you date tells more than you realize. Everyone has a past. Period. There is no way around this unless you are 12; and even some out there have major stories. Talking about women you have gone out with is one thing; but if you share things like, ‘oh this doctor I went out with’ or ‘that model I went out with had the longest legs’ then guess what? Good for you! If they were so great why are you not with them now? What is your point in sharing that with a woman? If you tell her you have or do date married women- then what does that say about you? There are some things that need not be shared in the beginning as it is only intel women will use to size you up. It would be similar to the woman you are trying to impress sharing with you that her last boyfriends were billionaires. Can you compete with that? No more than she can thinks she can compete with the long model legs. You still don’t want to hear it any more than she does. Also take note that she would be focusing on the type of women as in title and looks while you would be focusing on the money factor so why bring in something unnecessary. She isn’t going to want to get naked any time soon if all she is now thinking is that you want out with a model. The time is about each of you and not other people.
6- Women work within time perimeters. This is a tricky one and if you get this it will help you much. Women work within time constructs and most men don’t get that. Yes most women don’t get that men have no time line which yes is an issue for everyone. You see; women do work within time frames and for great reasons. It’s typically women who manage the household, make 80% of the decisions, go to work, take care of the kids; and pick up your dry cleaning and do your laundry while making sure dinner is ready. If there were no time frame of anything what would get done? Women need time to get ready for a date with you which again; time factor. It isn’t about putting you in a box but rather them having something to work with. Things need to be done in a certain time frame for women and that is because women plan more than men. It’s not a negative or positive just something to help you understand why women are time focused. If you say you will be home an an hour; she is expecting you home in an hour. If you want to know what she is doing in that hour? Getting the last of her work done, running two errands, freshening up, cleaning up; and perhaps preparing dinner or something else for you. You not showing up is infuriating because she could have done the other ‘3’ errands she needed to but didn’t, continued working on another project; and prepared something different than what she originally had planned based upon the time you gave her. Do you see it now?
7- Titles and labels aren’t traps. When a woman asks what is it that you are doing together and what it ‘is’ it doesn’t mean she is trying to trap you. It’s that she just wants to know. Some men think that women are so devious in their thinking that women just spend all day thinking of how they can trap a man they like into giving them a title. Why would women do that? Don’t say because they are crazy because women could say the same thing! Women work more on definites than abstracts. Giving something a definition doesn’t mean your life is over! If you think this then perhaps you should not be going out with her, or her, or her; or her or her. If you drive a car you have no issue calling it that so if you are dating a woman who happens to ask if you are just dating or exclusive don’t freak out. If you happen to date the ones that do then possibly it’s something to look into. She doesn’t want to marry you tomorrow. You see; gone are the days where women ‘need’ a man to have an identity. You may not know it or not but women do have their own social security numbers now. If they have identity in Christ; then rest in that too.
8- Pay attention to her body language. This is huge gents. If you start paying attention to her body language you will get it. If you ask her ‘honey what’s wrong’ and she says nothing but won’t look at you- it’s a clue. 93% of communication daily is nonverbal. The cues and clues are all there but if you are too busy focusing on the fact she talks too much you will miss everything she is telling you; and what a shame that would be! If you want a woman who doesn’t talk- then go date a man. Who knows what you may be missing out on by not listening and paying attention to the woman you are with?? If you move in close to her on a first date and she moves away it’s a clue. Don’t go in closer as you will only then push her further away and your second date will never happen; and your first is ending sooner than you may want. Women need time to absorb information. This is why women window shop every store of the mall; they gather information. You men; can walk in and buy and be done in 30 seconds. If you meet a woman and try it your way going in for the kill so quick you will end up dead in the water! Women are always communicating and if you pay attention to it you will get much more than you realize. I challenge you to start today!
9- Her wanting to be married doesn’t mean to you. There are always things women should not talk about; so says men and ‘some’ dating coaches. Here is the deal on this one though: just because a woman wants to be married some day really doesn’t have anything to do with you. If you tell her you want a sports car should she run because she is going to think that you are expecting it from her? When you hear what she wants understand that it may or may not have anything to do with you. If you take the time to listen to the rest of what she has to say instead of freaking out; you will know much more and not have to order that extra scotch. Yes it’s clear that most men hear marriage and they run because they can’t imagine themselves married or that they aren’t sure if they would be in position to marry her- and on it goes but relax. She may not even be into you and you into her so why run after 30 seconds?
10- Her wanting kids doesn’t mean with you. This is a tricky one because like with marriage; it’s been said that this is also something else that women shouldn’t talk about. Now that is fine and I’m not saying to start the first date with ‘I want to be married and have kids- with you’ as that is a big red flag. On the other hand; knowing this information can be to your advantage. You may not want kids but perhaps your best friend does. Set her up with your best friend and when they get married you will be the hero! Again; just because a woman wants kids means nothing more than this. She has no idea if you would be that person any more than you know if you would want to be that person! Now yes there are those women who at first thought believe you are their savior; and you need to be on watch for this and ask yourself why you are in that position in the first place.
11- Sex means something to women. Sex may just mean sex to men but for women it’s different. Yes we all know that women create intimacy through talking (clue guys) and men through sex. Here is the thing: if you try to skip talking to her and move straight to sex without passing go, collecting 200 or anything else you are not getting it. Every time you have sex with a woman you are creating new soul ties. Those soul ties last and getting yourself entangled with a bunch of women sexually is a big trap. Sure it may just be ‘sex’ for you but for those women there is the emotional connection and when they have sex it does have much meaning behind it. If you are not interested in that woman in an intimate way; don’t use her for sex because you can. She doesn’t deserve it any more than you do a woman freaking out after the fact. Best to protect yourself and not engage. Sure that can be a challenge but there are consequences and what man wants their rabbit boiled?
11- It isn’t always about you. I know this is tough. After all you are a man. You are a good man. You are attractive. You are intelligent. You are a handyman at home. You are a high income earner. You are strong. You are charming. You are witty. Why wouldn’t it be about you? Well; it just isn’t. There are times in life when it is not about you and has nothing to do with you. It took me a long time to get that revelation that it wasn’t about me. It was huge! Once I realized that when a man says he will call and doesn’t that it wasn’t about me. I couldn’t figure that out; just being honest. Once it hit me that I was wasting time allowing myself to be hurt over some man that didn’t want to interact with me for a reason I didn’t know I was free! Him not calling had nothing to do with me- but I was sure it had ‘everything’ to do with me! In your case; it isn’t always about you either. Internalizing it and making it about you just keeps you the center of everything. To this I say; get over yourself! You will be glad you did. Now I know many of you reading this may argue and say ‘it is about me. I’m always in the doghouse’ and bla bla but then ask yourself what it is that you are doing to get and keep you there. I can’t answer that one in specifics as it could be a myriad of things. Not only this; with women you really have no idea so you have to be the investigator and solve that one for you.
So you see; there is a lot to understand. Women aren’t as complicated as you may think. It’s just that it takes time to get to know them and put down the remote or turn off the motorcycle to pay more attention and you will get there. The hope is that this insight will help maneuver through your dating and mating world to get the results that you are looking for. My best guess is that you want less drama, a healthy or healthier relationship with more sex; and a life with happiness. You can get it all if you just open your eyes a little more.