Are You Living in ‘Once-I’?
Life is hard; there is no doubt. People lose their jobs, they dump each other with no explanation, they can’t drive in bad weather; credit card interest rates increase, parents age. Fast food isn’t food. Life is just not the bowl of cherries that most thought it was.
As a result people start living in ‘Once I’. I’m sure you know how it goes: ‘Once I am married life will be great. Once the kids are gone we will travel. Once I get my promotion my career will be on track. Once I win American Idol I will be someone. Once I pay off my credit cards I can get that new vehicle. Once I lose weight I will be pretty. Once I buy a house…….’
The sad thing about living in this mindset is that it’s a trap. There will always be something after the one ‘Once I’ that keeps you where you are. What if instead of ‘Once I’ it was changed to ‘I am’?
‘I am living life for today. I am great as a single person. I am traveling even though I have children. I am enjoying my career now. I am someone. I am……’
I fell into the trap too. I used to think that once I graduated with my degree that life would begin. I used to think that once I started my career as a speech professor that life would be great. I used to think that once I made my first million that everything would be easier. I used to think that that once I met the wonderful man God has for me life would be complete. I used to think that once I got to the next place that life would be better than it was. In reality; it only proved that I was never living in the moment of where I actually was or am.
So what about you? What are you not seeing that you could be because you are living for a place you are not even at or don’t know if you will ever get to? Are you living in ‘Once I’ thinking that it will be better? And what about it will be so? You will still be who you are although just perhaps more of it. Why not spend the time today living for what and who you are becoming instead of waiting for a perpetual cycle of ‘Once I”s that never end? In the end you will see there is more life in it than what you have thought!
Thanksgiving has come and gone. It’s time now for people to start really freaking out about Christmas. The stress kicks in to high gear and the preparations are a must. So much to do so little time; never a moment to stop as it would be a crime. Such a shame that people live not only the holidays like this; but every day of the year.
How are you living? Are you living daily? Are you living for a maybe one day? Or perhaps a someday? In the end by living this way aren’t you just short living? There is no living in living for something that may be at some point but never is in the now. The recent too soon death of Paul Walker from ‘Fast and Furious’ at only age 40 should be a wake up call and question for us all. Ask yourself, ‘Am I living?’ Or is more like just just one day closer to death? There is a difference in case you did not know.
What are some things you can do today to start living? Simple:
1- Pay attention to what you pay attention to. This one simple thing can put everything into the right perspective. While you can’t get more than 24 hours in a day; you can cut out things that don’t bring fruit and get time in other areas.
2- Embrace those next to you. You never know when they or you will be gone. Wouldn’t you hate to forget to say and do what would mean the most when you had the chance?
3- Live according to your own motto. Others will always have opinions about what you do; however, you are the only one living with the consequences of what you do and don’t do. Start living your life for you as you can’t live it for others.
4- Enjoy it. If you are not enjoying your life; why not? You have the power to choose to make the change. If you struggle in figuring out what you would enjoy make a list of things you would like to try; and then go for it! You won’t regret all the things you never try.
5- Give your life to Jesus. You never know when your time is up and while you may not think you need Him; you would hate to learn after the fact that you actually did. You may not believe me; and that is ok. I just would not be doing you a service but not sharing the fact that life is short and Jesus is there; waiting for you. Yes I’m sure you are the most wonderful person in the world; but it still doesn’t mean anything more than this.
Every day we are reminded that life is short. It is fleeting. It goes by faster even though each 24 hours is still 24 hours and now is the time to reflect on this day what you are doing with each of your 24 hours. I know for me personally; I want to do more. I want to live more, share more, give more, love more, eat more finer foods; be more and build more. How about you?
Maybe you have been there for a visit; or perhaps you still live there. The land of “I was’ is a haunted place that keeps people trapped. People there have difficult ever leaving because “I Was” brings comfort. It’s familiar. It’s a boasting point. It’s what always was and has become what is; even though in reality it is not.
It is a trap that keeps the most brilliant in need of a mental makeover. So I ask: how brilliant are you? How ready are you to move to a new place?
You see you may think you are; ready to move but know that it isn’t easy. It requires looking forward. It requires letting go of the time when you were the most popular girl or boy in school. It requires you realizing that you are not a size 0 and that you don’t have 2% body fat. It requires you getting the reality check that you aren’t 25 and can’t binge drink or dance on the bar all night. It requires you to get over the fact that you were abused as a kid. You are no different than the 240million of the rest us that were abused too. It requires you making the choice to mentally catch up to yourself to recognize that the land of ‘I Was’ is no longer. Nope. It is gone. Now is the land of ‘I Am’ waiting should you be so strong.
I too had to leave the Land of ‘I Was’; else I would have died. I had all the proverbial symptoms of entrapment to a slow death; slithering with each thought, word; and action. I was destitute in my own thinking. I was living what I knew in the Land of ‘I Was’ because it was after all; what I knew.
I now know better. I live in the beautiful land of ‘I Am’. It brings much life. It brings many things that the former can not ever bring and so I share with you a few so that you too can see what you can grasp if only you take the step.
In the Land of ‘I Was’ I was lost, a victim, abused hurt, unforgiving, bound, resentful, broke, friendless; trapped in the deception of what I didn’t know or couldn’t possibly understand all based upon the past.
In the Land of ‘I Am’ I realize I am a victor, prosperous, joyful, loving, a friend, compassionate, redeemed; and who I was created to be all based upon my present and future.
You see; living in the past serves no purpose to anyone; not even yourself. Living in the present prepares you for your future. Wouldn’t you rather be here today going forward than attempting to live in a yesterday that’s gone? I know I sure do!
At lunch recently with a friend; her son told her that he always knows when she is listening to him. She looked at him and asked ‘really? How so?’ His reply, ‘Mommy, you always stop what you are doing and look at me.’ Profound isn’t it; that a five year old understands better than most adults.
Listening is the one skill that changes relationships quicker than any other in the area of communication. When people listen; the doors of communication open in ways unimaginable. What is sad is that people are more interested in listening to respond instead of listening to listen.
A few signs of good listeners are:
1- They remove technology distractions. Good listeners know that if the phone is even on vibrate it may ring which would be a distraction. They know that the computer, tablet; or television are also distractions. They are turned off so that the focus is only on the speaker. There will always be a tweet but only one opportunity to listen to what someone is saying at that exact moment in time.
2- They indicate non-verbally. Indicators of good listeners are eye contact, learning forward; and nodding. Good listeners focus on the person speaking and are engaged in the communication process bother verbally as well as nonverbally. They are not slouched in their seats looking for the fire escape.
3- They are mentally prepared. They remove the distractions, set the time aside; and are ready to give to someone who is speaking. There is nothing else that would be a disruption from what will take place at that given time. There may be a few things to cross off the list like returning phone calls beforehand, eating; or whatever else is proves to be a distraction although taking the steps to remove those first will only lead to better listening in the end.
4- They paraphrase and ask questions. Paraphrasing what someone is saying is a great technique because it reveals what yes the intended message was received or that it wasn’t. Good listeners want to ensure that they are not missing anything said. By asking questions good listeners get the clarification needed while also sharing with the person speaking that they were paying attention.
Being a good listener takes effort. It requires focus on others instead of self. It is getting beyond only wanting to pay attention when the topic is of personal interest. It is abandonment to self for the benefit of others. It is about giving in ways that most people don’t think of. It is about being silent. After all the same letters that spell ‘listen’ also spell ‘silent’. Coincidence? I think not!
I recently heard a story about a man who taught children in small village in Africa. The children loved learning even though their learning supplies were quite sparse. So sparse in fact the only thing the children had was a pencil and paper. No; there were no ipads, androids, televisions; or anything else. Simply a pencil and sheet of paper.
The teacher asked one student to borrow his pencil and the student willingly obliged. Later that afternoon the student needed it back and the teacher not recognizing its importance realized he misplaced it. He did manage to replace it to the child and reflected for a moment about what it must mean to that student to have only one pencil.
While its simply a pencil; it was the only one the child had. To him it meant everything. To the teacher; it was disposable so its value wasn’t the same.
Looking at that for a moment; how often in life do we only have one but take it for granted? One spouse instead of a new one tomorrow. One vehicle instead of trading in for the newer model. One good friend instead of thousands of facebook falsies. One life to live instead now instead of waiting for one day. The only one you have is the only one you have.
For the child the pencil was the only one he had therefore he cherished it. He carried it with pride. That pencil had a special place in his heart. It was after all; the only one he had.
In your life; what is the only one you have? Is it your spouse? Your dog? Your best friend? I challenge you to reflect for a moment about living life without it; and then start living like it’s the only one you have.
The strength of a man is something to be appreciated; noticed. It is not something to diminish or reduce to yesterdays trash; yet that is appearing to be what is occurring all around us.
Take a look around. What do you see? Men being emasculate everywhere. Commercials from Jack in the Box show a woman pushing a baby carriage with two grown men wearing bonnets and holding rattles and Dairy Queen only prove the point. The Dairy Queen commercial shows young girl passes on an ice cream with her mom only to sit down and have the DQ employee give her an ice cream, telling her it’s from the young boy wearing “the donkey shirt.” She smiles at the boy and turns to her mom to say, “It’s like shooting fish in a barrel.”
Should it be any wonder why men don’t trust women? It takes strength for men to do nice things for women and there certainly is not anything wrong with men trusting women; yet commercials just strip it away and show men as nothing more than ignorant idiots who are like kleenex: soft, strong and disposable.
Schools are even in on the fun where some now don’t allow boys to have basketballs, footballs; or any other sporting ball on campus because they will get hurt. How can a boy build strength to become the man what women want?
See; this is not about blame. It is not about blaming women for taking away all the manhood that once existed. It is not that. It is the heart of men and the heart of women to stop the madness. Men were created with strength. They were created to conquer and blow stuff up. They were created to open jars and doors for women; and there is nothing wrong with this.
The issue is that love is lacking. Until it is recognized that men have value things won’t change. Until it is recognized that it is not ok to call men stupid, degrade them or disregard them things will not improve. How could they? Until the feminism of men is stopped it will certainly not benefit society. Women want to date and marry men, they want to love men and celebrate men for who and what they are and if society does nothing to stand up for men then who will?
It’s time that those who are men stand up; eat man food and wear man jeans. It’s time for those who claim they follow Jesus to act like He did. It’s time for those who say they love men to truly show it by letting them be. There is nothing more attractive than the strength of a man and being able to see that is something we don’t want to miss out on because without men; where would we be?
While it may seem like woman have made advances in being treated human; it’s clear that this really isn’t the case. Around the world women are still treated as second class citizens, paid less, demeaned to administrative roles in the church; and the list goes on. When will women be seen as the beautiful, intelligent, creative; and thriving people that they were created to be? What will it take for women to not be continually oppressed and suppressed on a global scale?
It’s everywhere in culture. Commercials make nothing more of women than scantily clad high priced hookers while others show just how much women hate each other. Television shows elevate women as being nothing more than a’trophy’ wife as that is all she is worth? Why is this acceptable? Why is it funny to see such filth at Meet the Millers and have women call themselves terrible names with audiences finding it funny? Why are not both women and men outraged at the treatment of it? Why is no one seeing it and not finding it funny?
Understand that this is not about blame. It is not about men beating women down. It simply is not. It is more about a change of heart to see the reality of where women are and continue to be; along with the fight they go through just to be recognized as something more than a sex object and cook.
Women are not correct in the battle either as there are those who are feminists who cry out for woman power yet use their platform to annihilate Sara Palin every chance they get; only because she is not like them. Both parties are guilty and something needs to change. Love needs to happen.
In Saudi Arabia women suffer. They suffer daily. They continue to experience injustice and in ways that American women could never imagine. The latest is the number of Saudi women who are fined for driving vehicles. There is a ban for women to be able to drive a car. “Police stopped six women driving in Riyadh, and fined them 300 riyals ($80) each,” said the capital’s police deputy spokesman, Colonel Fawaz al-Miman. While the monarchy is the only country in the world where women are barred from driving; it doesn’t mean that there aren’t other women in other countries who are not even considered worthy of anything.
The point overall is that women have value. Woman were not created as second class citizens. Women were not created to just lie on their backs for the benefit of men whenever they need their fix. Women were not created to have no mind, no thoughts; no opinions. They just weren’t.
It was women who traveled with Jesus. It was women who were there when the tomb was open. It was women who stood when there were no men. Perhaps looking at them through different eyes one will be better able to appreciate God’s creation and not mans’ destruction.
(mans’ destruction does not equate gender in the final sentence.)
I’m asking you! Sure it may be the economy that has you down; or a myriad of things that can be reasons but it still is a question for reflection.
If you have ever been in the online dating arena maybe you’ve experienced it. In your in-box is s message telling you that you are a *(&&&*(() weirdo for not responding to an email quick enough, that you are prude for not meeting for sex; or that because you are a Christian not wanting to date a non-Christian it goes awry.
What do you do? Do you allow it? Defend yourself? Report it to the dating site? All of the above?
A few things to think about and steps to follow:
1-Report it to the dating site if warranted. You may have to search the site for the ‘help’ link as every dating site has a help section with a link to send your email. You can share the contents of the email and the username but do be aware that there are privacy policies in place to protect everyone so they may not be able to inform the sender that his or her behavior is not appropriate or abusive. You may also want to save a copy of the email in your personal files in case you need to get the police involved. You only need to file the complaint with the dating site if you are threatened so be prudent in this decision. If someone is just a jerk that is different than a threat upon your life.
2- Let it go. Challenging? Yes. If someone sends you a personal attack do not respond. Why? Engagement is fuel for the fire. Just like puppies; any attention is attention. Your response will only fuel the fire and if the person is a narcissist or has full blown NPD he or she will only have to continue to debate, position himself or herself to be right; have the last work and dominate you. Let it go and move on to someone who respects you.
3. Character concern. People reveal who they are in what they write. If the person believes it’s acceptable to personally attack you for what you believe or won’t do; it’s a huge red flag. If a person suggests you hide behind your Christianity because you do not want to debate doctrine; then what does that really say? You and your opinion are not respected, you have no value; and that the person is not interested in anything other than proving his or her point. What would happen if you were to ever meet? If you ever had a disagreement? If someone calls you names like pompous and challenges what you believe, tells you that while you are educated you really are not or that you evade truth because you don’t share in the same beliefs; that character is cause for concern to be around. If you are in pursuit of someone to love and be loved by would that person who says such things be a wise choice for companionship or marriage? There is never a reason to condemn someone and you need to recognize that it won’t change if you were to meet’ regardless of what the pictures look like.
4- Know your worth. You do not ever have to tolerate someone dis-respecting you. Ever. You have too much value and too much to give to someone who deserves is. If someone sends you an email that is critical, rude, mean, negative; or name calling then don’t tolerate it. There is never a reason to let anyone diminish who you are; especially someone who is hiding behind a computer screen and shows complete lack of class for who they are and for you.
Bottom line is that online dating may have benefits; it doesn’t mean that you have to give your time to those not worthy of it. There are many predators out there who have the sole purpose of causing pain. Sad but true. Focus on your end result goal. If someone does not measure up to what you want; it’s no big deal. Not everyone is a match for everyone. You have absolutely no reason to defend what you believe, want or who you are. Who you are my friend, is enough for someone who is looking exactly for you.
Want to continue to conversation. Check me out at www.facebook.com/1julieblair