Forgiving a Mother Who Wronged You
Mothers are known to be heroes. They have strength. They can do anything in the eyes of a child. They are wonderful; they are hormonal mistake-makers. Sometimes more often than not the focus is on the latter instead of the former.
Mothers live in a world of expectations that never end. It’s amazing that mothers can even survive the day much less teenagers, a career and all the additional goings on that occur in daily life. It’s amazing that they live to tell the stories of successes and failures.
Mothers need forgiveness for the mistakes they made. They are not perfect; there are merely people trying to do what is best and sometimes they have no clue what that is or what it looks like. How do I know? I have a mother. I have a biological mother who made a choice on that day in 1977 that drastically changed the course of my life. I have a mother whom I hated for most of my life. I have a mother whom I blamed for how my turned out. I have a mother who made a mistake. I have a mother that I made the choice to forgive.
The decision to forgive was something that not only changed my life; but hers as well. It changed the lives of those that I come into contact with. It forever changed how I see things. Never before could I grasp the choice that a mother, my mother had to make. You see; I was an almost victim of the baby black market in Canada in the 1970’s. I didn’t know. I didn’t know until I forgave my mother and learned the truth.
There are many things that a mother does that sometimes a child cannot understand. Perhaps this is true for you. Your mother has done things to you that have hurt you and you feel justified to harbor resentment, forgiveness and bitterness toward her. You are really hurting yourself more than you are hurting her. She knows why she did what she did. You on the other hand-do not. In all your mental glory you deem it appropriate to judge something you know nothing about. I sure did!
Once I learned the truth I was set free. I was set free from my unforgiveness but the truth as well. Additionally; the real Truth of course has set me free. I never again have to look back at the mistakes my mother made because they are not relevant. What is important is to see that none of us are any better and that we all make mistakes; mothers included.
Regardless of what your mother has done; there is a reason. Whether or not you like the reason or agree with it doesn’t change the fact that there is one. By forgiving your mother you will see and understand why. It will bring empathy to a situation that while harboring unforgiveness you could not see. Your forgiveness will not only change your life but hers as well. It will bring peace a relationship anew. And in the end; isn’t that what’ it’s about?
It’s a tricky question to ponder; unless you have been there. Could you forgive a cheater? Most think cheater in terms of infidelity but what about cheaters in sports? Marion Jones? Lance Armstrong? What about financial cheaters? Bernie Madoff? We could take it even further and ask if you could forgive the government for cheating you of your hard earned money. So it goes the question again: could you forgive a cheater?
Forgiving cheaters is a challenge? Cheaters reveal much about their character in terms of selfishness, narcissism, lack of regard and respect for others and the list goes on. While their traits are revealed; yours are as well.
See; when you are cheated on or just cheated you are a victim. There is no doubt and most wouldn’t question this. Whether or not someone tries to justify cheating; the person still knows right from wrong and there is no justification for being a cheater and liar. You see; honest people do what is honest because they are honest. Period.
What people miss through the entire realm of cheating and being cheated on is forgiveness. It’s hard. It’s hard to look at the person who cheated in whatever realm the same. It’s hard to builForgid trust, respect; and even desire to want anything to do with that person. Pain leaves its mark. Pain can destroy. Pain hurts.
The good news is that forgiveness will save you. It will heal your soul, restore your life and even remove the pain. It isn’t about the cheater getting off free but rather you the victim no longer being the victim.
Forgiveness is about strength. Strength to let go the pain caused. Strength to not let the actions of others, regardless of what they are, have power over you. Strength to recognize that forgiveness is freedom. Anything else is a lie.
It took me years to forgive a cheater. He took everything from me and walked away to live his life as nothing happened; all the while I suffered in silent. It was years later that I learned the truth. I learned that forgiveness set me free. Now of course the Truth will make you free but freedom sets you free from control, lies; and pain. It releases a power of love, grace and mercy. It releases you to live at a higher level. It releases you from the bondage of those whose ways are dishonest. And isn’t that worth it?
It’s an amazing story all around no doubt. Could you imagine being taken in 2002 and then finally released in May 2013 to then forgive the man who stole so much of your life? Could you? You may be thinking ‘um. No!’ You are probably not alone. The good news is that you were not in that situation or faced with such a decision.
Michelle Knight or now known as Lilly Rose Lee made the choice to forgive Arial Castro for the torture she endured for over a decade. What a beautiful person right? What a great lesson for us all to be witness to.
What a great lesson for us all to see that regardless of what someone does to us; forgiveness can and does exist. To see that regardless of the acts of others forgiveness can still be given. What a gift to receive it; and what a gift to give.
While Arial Castro is no longer alive as he committed suicide Lilly Rose Lee is. Not only is she alive; she is free. Free from the bondage of that man but more importantly; free from the bondage of unforgiveness.
Have you ever been hurt? Probably right? Have you ever hurt someone else? Probably right? If you are reading this it’s safe to say you have been on both sides of the fence. If you were in the place of Lilly Rose Lee you may not want to forgive the man who stole the very essence of who you are although if you don’t wouldn’t you really just end up like him? Dead?
Lilly Rose Lee saw the bigger picture. She saw that her life and forgiveness was for and about her; and not anyone else. She is now living free in more ways than we could ever imagine or relate to. She gets it. She gets what it’s really about and is now truly able to enjoy what she has. Does it mean she is healed. Of course not! The good news is that forgiveness is on the way to be healed and made whole. Wouldn’t you rather be moving in that direction than letting the unforgiveness continue to rob you? Wouldn’t you rather not allow anyone or anything to master you? Why not start now and go get the gift of forgiveness that is there for you!
What a crazy world we live in isn’t it? It’s amazing how much society has changed; yet in the big scheme of things it really hasn’t. With the situation surrounding Donald Sterling it’s definitely cause of reflection and discussion. One question may be does Donald Sterling deserve to lose his job or be outlawed because of his beliefs? While the majority are saying yes I wonder how many of them have ever thought ill of a group of people or individuals. It’s a scary thing to live in a glass house.
The bigger question though surrounding the issue is does Donald Sterling deserve forgiveness? Some may ask ‘for what? and that would be a great question. Does he deserve forgiveness for his thoughts, his words; cheating on his wife? He deserves forgiveness as much as anyone else does for judging him for his thoughts and actions.
See; when we look at situations face value we lose sight of the bigger picture. Mr. Sterling’s thoughts and comments reflect something deeper that people are not talking about. It’s an issue of the heart. What’s in the heart comes out the mouth according to Proverbs and we all are a reflection of that. People are not talking about anything other than what they see on the outside and while it may not be what you, reader, may deliver to the public it is what he did. He is no different than Paula Dean or Phil Robertson right? People have opinions and while they may be outdated, hurtful; rude or disgusting in the eyes of others does not change anything. Isn’t it interesting that one person’s hateful opinion isn’t allowed yet another’s judgmental and hateful opinion of that person with that hateful opinion is?
None of us are any better than the next. Everyone alive has been hurt and hurt and so long as we live in a lifestyle of judgment and not forgiveness we will only see the one dimension of the situation. One person’s comments are no more a sin than the person judging that person for the comments.
It really does not matter what any of us think about the situation. It just doesn’t. What matters is how we respond to it. And so on this day I pray in Jesus name for the heart of Donald Sterling, that his eyes open to to the beauty of all people, their skills and talents, and what can be learned from them. I pray that we as a people come together to remove the bitterness and judgment toward one another and in our own hearts to see love and forgiveness knowing none of us are any better than the next. I pray that we come out in love not for the love of the sin but for the love of a person who, like all of us, made mistakes. I pray that we all look at how we behave and treat others and that we keep our hearts filled with what is good and pleasing, what would display and give love to others and of course a spirit of forgiveness. Amen.’
Until we grasp that we all need forgiveness we won’t get very far. It’s a shame that for some their hatred and ignorance is publicized although that’s the way it is. This leads me to my final question: If your deepest thoughts and words were made public would they reveal?
It’s a funny thing where people think they know something they don’t. Perhaps you thought something and were so solid in your belief and then ‘oops’ you were wrong. Yeah it’s happened to me to. Boy was I eating crow.
Judgment is one of those things where it keeps us focused in the wrong places and on all the wrong things. I remember moving from Denver to Dallas and going to get a bottle of wine on a Friday evening and hearing a man make a comment to me ‘another pretty woman alone on a Friday night’. Ouch! I cried. Pathetic yes I know but what I can say. I have my moments.
As I later reflected on that I also saw how other women are judged to. See; the pretty people get judged because they just must be so vain right? They must be stuck up or something along those lines is what people think. Others feel sorry for them and think ’tisk tisk she can’t get a date. It must be so horrible for her’ all the while those who may not be so pretty or perhaps are chubby are judged too. ‘Tisk tisk if only she lost weight she would be pretty.’ And the saddest is that through this judgement all the great women are home alone on a Friday night!
We simply have no clue what is going on in the lives of others. We just don’t. What you think is what ‘you’ think but is that reality? You don’t know until you know and if you don’t know then what on earth are you making your judgments on?
Debbie Gibson came out a few days ago feeling the need to explain to the world her weight loss and her physical appearance. If you don’t remember her think 1980’s singer who sang ‘Shake Your Love’. She is battling with Lyme disease and it’s caused some unexpected things in her life. Is it anyone’s business? Nope. Yet people have criticized her appearance without knowing one single thing.
How often have you criticized someone without knowing? How often have you had judgment in your heart because of something you thought you saw?
How do you not judge?
1- Remain focused on the Lord
2- Speak to others what you would want spoken about you
3- Know that what you see probably isn’t
4- Ask yourself how you would feel if you were judged in the way you are judging- and then stop
5- Recognize that people are people and none are better or worse
We’ve all been there thinking we know when we don’t. We just don’t. And if we did our hearts would move from judgment to compassion. The question is why not start with compassion? Why not get rid of the old ways of judgment of others and move to a new compassion revolution? Get on board now and fill your heart with compassion for others. You never know when it’s going to be the one thing that you need that will change your life. Go on- I dare you.
It’s inevitable that you will make a mistake in your life. I am proof of this as I make them daily; some larger than others. I am not perfect. The question is how do you hand it? What do you do in such a situation?
There are many lessons to be learned in handling how to make mistakes; but more importantly is the reflection of the lessons learned. If you never learn the lesson then where do you go? What would be the point? The pattern would only continue and what would that prove besides you are merely capable of repeating the same mistake. If you are one who has never made a mistake then perhaps I can learn something from you.
Bottom line is that we all make mistakes. There is no way around this; at least for me. How about you? The biggest lesson you can learn and the biggest thing you can do for yourself is to apologize for it and then forgive yourself. While it may be humbling it is part of life and the quicker way you can get going is to get on with it. If you don’t you will only live with more regret and turmoil than before you made the mistake in the first place.
Great relationships don’t come without effort. It is not possible to be in healthy relationships and contribute nothing. Relationships require commitment, communication, sometimes sacrifice; and most of all forgiveness. All of these require that focus is not on self. This was a tough lesson for me to learn. I spent most of my life alone and growing myself up. I was 15 and homeless and put myself through college. I was a warrior! It was all about me; and when it wasn’t it still was. Trust me.
When I met my mom in 2003 for the first time that was an experience to say the least! It wasn’t until 2007 that we connected again. She disappeared again which made things difficult and to be honest; I didn’t care because I wanted nothing to do with her in the first place. Anyway; that is a separate story altogether but for the sake of this I had to learn how to relate to her as the mother and also learn how to be a daughter. I never really got that experience so needless to say it proved to be something I knew nothing about. Was it work? Absolutely! It was beyond anything I ever imagined and there was no ‘wanna get away’ escape from it either! I could only wish! And I did!
While I had been a speech professor for almost a decade by this time; I thought my communication skills were effective. Why wouldn’t I? Boy was I proved wrong! It wasn’t until I started communicating more with my mother that I learned just how much I had to learn. I had to deal with my own personal issues in order to be effective in communicating with her; else we could never build a healthy and functional relationship. I remember daily when she would call screaming at the top of her lungs how much she hated Dallas. Well; who could blame her? It’s hot and humid here. Ironic since she moved from Houston but still. It was a daily issue and I learned that my reaction only fed it. I needed to shut up and listen. What a lesson as there wasn’t much I was used to not having an opinion about. I had a lot of growing to do. I had to put down the cell phone and pay attention. I had to stop texting and pay attention. I had to look at my mother in the face and pay attention. I had to get over myself and just pay attention. I had to do it. Perhaps you are in a place where you need to just stop and pay attention for the sake of the relationship and those who are important in your life.
What I have learned are amazing things! While my mother has been diagnosed with every mental disorder you can imagine and is unable to physically care for herself; she will blow your mind! She is in the second phase of testing to be on Jeopardy. Who knew? I’ve learned that when she doesn’t want to talk about things that are too personal; like who my father is- she gets silent. When she has an answer she is very direct with her ‘yes’ and ‘fine’. Check out the segment from The Today Show and see what I mean as it’s hilarious! She holds nothing back. I learned that that is where I get it from and why my nickname in powder puff football in high school was ‘Mouth’. Go figure.
I’ve learned that my mom laughs a lot. She enjoys life now even though she no longer lives on her own. She gave up everything to move from Houston to Dallas to build a relationship with me. She did that for me. She has a warm heart and would give you the jacket off her back; and did to many on the streets even when she herself was homeless and cold. I’ve learned that even though her left ankle is swollen to her knee and the doctors have no clue why; she never complains about it. She just rangers on. Not only that; it doesn’t bother her to take a pair of scissors to cut her pants off at the bottom instead of sewing them. She just walks on and sings Queen songs all the way. Be aware if you take her to any musical show she will sing every song to your embarrassment.
The biggest lesson that I must share and admit is embarrassing; is that until I got over myself I couldn’t see her for who she is in my life. She is my mother and at times I struggled with that. I wanted anyone but her to be my mom. I know it’s not nice to admit but it’s true. I wanted someone more well; motherly. My mother is not nurturing and that’s ok. She still holds the title of mom and that’s enough. Once I really grasped the importance of obedience to the Word I saw that ‘Honor Your Mother and Father’ didn’t mean if you like them, if they are a Kennedy; or anything else. It just reads to do it. Once I got this and learned that it wasn’t always about me my life changed. Her life changed. Our lives changed. Isn’t that what it’s about anyway?
Life is about relationships. It’s about each of us growing and changing and experiencing with others. Life is also short. I lost 25 years of time with my mom and I can tell you that having that time back would be a blessing unimaginable; but it’s never going to happen. I can only relish in today and the time that we have to learn and relate to one another; to grow together and enjoy life together. I hope that for you too that on this day; you reflect on those in your life and what you can truly learn by relating to them in new ways. I assure you; you won’t regret it.
Forgiveness is the most wonderful thing in the world. It changes lives, heals and restores. There is nothing that can move mountains quicker than forgiveness. How do I know? Simple. I lived a life of unforgiveness for more years than I care to admit.
What I can share with you honestly is that many years of my life were filled with hatred, resentment, bitterness and more. All the cousins of unforgiveness were alive and well; killing me. I didn’t have many healthy relationships, patience or positivity. While I didn’t care about any of that; I was living the way I knew. I lived a life of unforgiveness.
It wasn’t until I was shown the true process of forgiveness; what it meant and the impact that it would have on my life. I am forever changed by getting over myself. Imagine how that happens! See; I had been deceived for many years thinking that I had forgave those who hurt me although the symptoms were there. I hadn’t truly done anything but give lip service. Lip service my friends is nothing more than mental rationalization to continue to harbor what you want without consequence. It never works.
Once I was real with myself nothing was ever the same. Once I mad the choice to forgive my life changed and in big ways. See; everything internal manifests itself outward and the more I forgave those in my past for what they did to me my eye color changed and my voice changed. While it may be subtle the changes are evident without a doubt. Doors opened in ways unimaginable.
The biggest and most life changing event in my life was being reunited with my mother. I hated her for so long. Don’t be shocked- you probably would too if you went through some of the things I did. But I digress since that is not the point. My mother is a wonderful person who deserves as much love as the rest of us. My mother is someone who made a mistake and who am I to harbor unforgivess toward her? I had to learn and recognize that I too have made mistakes and if others were as unforgiving toward me as I was toward my mother where would any of us be?
My mother and I today are great! Her life has changed much from the time when she lived on the street corner in Houston before we met. We have a relationship and that is something that neither of us ever would have expected; especially from where we were. This in reality; is what forgiveness does. It heals, it restores; it reconciles. It changes people lives for the better of everyone we come into contact about. So my friends; who can you forgive today? Who’s life besides your own can you change?
Hatred is an evil thing; it always has been and always will be. It never comes out in first place and it never brings peace. It brings with it its nasty cousins of anger, bitterness, resentment; and revenge.
The only way to combat it is with love. Love toward those who hate, love toward those who are bitter, resentful; unforgiving. Love is the only answer. Always. Love prevails.
Such is the case with Phil Robertson and Duck Dynasty. Those who hate Christians are not prevailing; they just aren’t. Those who think that siding with hate is the answer are not winning; they are merely showing their hand of intolerance of others with different opinions. They are showing their ignorance. Cracker Barrel is one who is proving their stance which is a shame. They are showing they are not acting very loving. Of course Phil Robertson has already come out stating he loves his neighbors although that seems to be overlooked. Oh the irony.
The result is being seen. Love wins. Duck Dynasty now has 2 offers on the table from other networks for their show. Daystar and Glenn BeckTv have stepped up to help against the wickedness we are seeing over a 67 year old man with an opinion. Interesting enough those who hate Phil Robertson’s opinion aren’t in danger of losing their jobs. Just watch and see the love prevail. Watch and see.
Hatred came against Chick-fil-A and guess what? Love prevailed. Chick-fil-A locations sold out of all their food before 12pm and still had lines of people coming for support. And even later that night numerous locations were vandalized by those who hate. Why? Why show your hatred through tearing people down? The most ironic thing of all: Chick-fil-A franchise still does almost 1 million more in business than it’s closest competitor McDonald’s. And they’re closed on Sundays!
It’s a lesson we all need to learn. Whether it’s hating those who are Christian, those who are gay, those who are short; or those who are geeks, or overweight it doesn’t matter. Hatred spreads like a cancer to destroy the lives of those who it comes into contact with. Why let it fill your soul? Why let it take over minute by minute? Why get on its bandwagon and show it to the world that it has control over you and just how fast you are dying?
Why not love instead? Why not understand that you are not the only one with an opinion. Why not let go of the fact that you are not the judge of the universe. None of us are. You are not the one who has any right to take away someone else’s opinion, shut down their business; or take away their employment. If no one is doing it to you on this day you should be celebrating; or watch out. Those who hate will come after you if you aren’t careful. I’m sure when it hits you would want someone to come out in love of support of you right? It’s a lesson of thinking about how we treat others and if we would want them to treat us the same way.
You see; I lived a life of hatred so I know what it’s like. It’s not enjoyable, restful or peaceful. It’s endless, relentless; and madness- all the time. It brings nothing good. It can’t. It simply cannot. We can see that with those who are attempting to destroy others in the name of a difference of opinion are not going to be well received in the end. It’s backfiring folks; it always does. When will the picture be clear? Hatred never wins.
God will bring judgement on those He sees fit when He sees it fit to do so. He always does. But in the meantime if each one of us does our part to recognize that loving our neighbor is the only way we will get much further. When we recognize that what we all are guilty of having opinions but we love anyway; we will prevail. When we recognize that we have to love ourselves in order to love others; it will be amazing what we can accomplish. It’s the recent events of tearing a family down that is only show us just how far we still have to go. Perhaps that should be the largest new years resolution people make. Love. Simple love.
Thanksgiving has come and gone. It’s time now for people to start really freaking out about Christmas. The stress kicks in to high gear and the preparations are a must. So much to do so little time; never a moment to stop as it would be a crime. Such a shame that people live not only the holidays like this; but every day of the year.
How are you living? Are you living daily? Are you living for a maybe one day? Or perhaps a someday? In the end by living this way aren’t you just short living? There is no living in living for something that may be at some point but never is in the now. The recent too soon death of Paul Walker from ‘Fast and Furious’ at only age 40 should be a wake up call and question for us all. Ask yourself, ‘Am I living?’ Or is more like just just one day closer to death? There is a difference in case you did not know.
What are some things you can do today to start living? Simple:
1- Pay attention to what you pay attention to. This one simple thing can put everything into the right perspective. While you can’t get more than 24 hours in a day; you can cut out things that don’t bring fruit and get time in other areas.
2- Embrace those next to you. You never know when they or you will be gone. Wouldn’t you hate to forget to say and do what would mean the most when you had the chance?
3- Live according to your own motto. Others will always have opinions about what you do; however, you are the only one living with the consequences of what you do and don’t do. Start living your life for you as you can’t live it for others.
4- Enjoy it. If you are not enjoying your life; why not? You have the power to choose to make the change. If you struggle in figuring out what you would enjoy make a list of things you would like to try; and then go for it! You won’t regret all the things you never try.
5- Give your life to Jesus. You never know when your time is up and while you may not think you need Him; you would hate to learn after the fact that you actually did. You may not believe me; and that is ok. I just would not be doing you a service but not sharing the fact that life is short and Jesus is there; waiting for you. Yes I’m sure you are the most wonderful person in the world; but it still doesn’t mean anything more than this.
Every day we are reminded that life is short. It is fleeting. It goes by faster even though each 24 hours is still 24 hours and now is the time to reflect on this day what you are doing with each of your 24 hours. I know for me personally; I want to do more. I want to live more, share more, give more, love more, eat more finer foods; be more and build more. How about you?