Being a mother is not easy. Ask any woman. Ask any woman what it is like on a daily basis being a mother. It doesn’t matter if a mother stays at home with her children or works. It simply doesn’t. The regret that many women face for their choices is something that is hard for many to talk about and men to grasp. It’s a silent pain that many even feel guilty about. The wonderful news is that there is forgiveness!
If you are a mother who has had thoughts or currently regrets having your children because your life changed; don’t let it consume you. It’s ok that you have those thoughts. Then take them captive! There is no guilt that you should just be happy that you have children because so many others can’t. That’s rubbish! This has nothing to do with anyone or anything else but you. As we approach Mother’s Day reflect on that and how you can get to what you want; with your children and all. You are after all a mother who survived child birth right? Maybe you may have thoughts of the dreams you once had if only you didn’t have children. Perhaps you wanted to travel to Monaco and write or perhaps you always dreamed of being a chef but because you now have children you have to plan birthday parties and play chauffeur. Regardless of what it is; know that forgiveness is there so that you don’t have to suffer more in silence because of a choice that you made. There is forgiveness and it starts with you.
1. Forgive yourself for hiding your thoughts and feelings. When you own how you feel and what you think; you will find power in it. Do not allow society to tell you where you should be by when and at what point. It will only add more pressure for you to be what you are not or don’t desire to be. If you regret having children; share it and share why. Write it down if you don’t want to share it with friends. Or share it with those you love. It may be the one thing that not only frees you; but frees others well. They may have something to share that will change your life! Your regret for having children most likely has nothing to do with your children but where you are in your life. Forgive yourself for allowing the bondage that’s holding you back. You are worth more than that!
2. Forgive yourself for thinking you are alone. There is an entire movement about women in society who regret having children so you are not alone. Do not believe that you are the only who has ever had those thoughts or lived in regret. It may be that you wanted something else for your life; but why not make it so now? Don’t focus on the ‘I can’t’ because you won’t get anywhere. You can and you just have to truly want it to make it so! Why allow yourself to think you are alone and that there is no hope! There are more women just like you than you think. You see; Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that ‘For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ What does this mean? You have a future! You are not alone. God’s Word also tells us in Deuteronomy and also in Psalms that He will never leave us or forsake us. You my dear beautiful reader are not alone. Do you realize that there has never been a moment in your life when you have not been loved?
3- Forgive yourself for the shame, embarrassment and guilt for your thoughts. The enemy’s goal is to kill, steal and destroy. Destroy what? It doesn’t matter! The whole goal is destruction. If you are destroyed in your mind by feeling shameful for regret you will lose. If you are destroyed in spirit by guilt you are being destroyed. There is no freedom in that. It’s time to loose the ties that bind! You are too strong to be destroyed!
Women and all women need to stand together. It isn’t about celebrating women except the one named Sarah Palin. It just isn’t. It’s about women stopping the judgment and hate toward one another. If we look carefully and closely; we don’t even need men involved to do anything because women can tear down women all on their own. Men need not be blamed for that! That is how much power women have yet in silent and secret women hide in fear of that same judgment and power from one another. It’s time to let it go. It’s time to be honest and say, ‘Yep. I do love my children. And yep; there are times when I regret having them. Yep. I feel selfish and guilty for it. Yep I don’t think my husband would understand. And yep; I’m finally ready to forgive myself and recognize that I am here and that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. (Phi 4:13) And that means getting beyond the regret to see that I can live a wonderful life.’ And then it’s time to accept that you are a woman and that you are no different than any other and that through forgiveness of regret of what comes with being a mom you will survive; it’s just what you do. You survive.
Abortion is something in society that isn’t talked about in full. It’s something that is done in part for the preservation of a woman’s future; but talking about what women experience after the fact are things not truly explored.
Abortion has impact. It has impact on society, the men involved if they are aware, future generations and of course the woman who has the abortion. What is crazy is that 37% of women obtaining abortions identify themselves as Protestant, and 28% identify themselves as Catholic (AGI)! In 2011, women who had not aborted in the past accounted for 53.7% of all abortions; women with one or two prior abortions accounted for 37.1%, and women with three or more prior abortions accounted for 9.3% (CDC). And so we see abortion effects many. It has impacts that are longer lasting than what people recognize so it begs the question: is there forgiveness for abortion?
I listened to an interview with singer songwriter Toni Braxton and what captured me wasn’t so much about the fame or her career; but rather the abortion she regretted.
Toni spoke about her family and the tough financial trials and the bankruptcy she went through. It was during that time that she got pregnant and couldn’t see herself raising a child when she was in the midst of financial fall. She talked about how much she regretted having an abortion and how selfish she now sees her choice. Her selfishness is what caused her to swipe the existence and future from that baby’s life.
What captured me was 1) she knew it was selfish, 2) her regret. Those two things speak volumes without a doubt. She continued that she later become pregnant and her child was born with autism. She believed the autism was punishment from God and that yes; she deserved it. Now this is where forgiveness comes in to play. When there is forgiveness the slate is wiped clean! Let’s say that your children apologize for making a mistake or being selfish; do you forgive them and the punish them? Of course not!
As I listened to Toni I heard her clearly. She is not unlike many women who have made the choice to abort but here is the thing: there is forgiveness. There is freedom for and from abortion. Jesus died on the cross so that we could be forgiven of our sins. And forgiveness knows no bounds. If you are like Toni; there is forgiveness for you. When there is forgiveness there is no need to live in self-condemnation. There is no need to continue to dwell on the past! The past is time gone by! When we cling to it we live in it and there is no freedom in shame of the past.
There is forgiveness for your selfish ways. All you have to do is ask. Acts 3:19 is clear for us all to follow: Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord,’. The times of refreshing are there. They are waiting just for you. Do not be deceived into thinking that your choice to have an abortion isn’t forgivable. That my dear friend; is a lie. God’s Word says so.
I encourage you today to seek forgiveness because it will change your life. It will set you free. It will remove the chains of bondage. Let it all go! Let go of the shame, guilt, condemnation, self-loathing, regret; and all of rest of the cousins attached. There is no need to continue like Toni and live in shame as she said for the sins that she committed that she repented of. God is a loving God and not one who simply hates and isn’t forgiving. It would be a lie to think that. It’s a trap! Yes we all make mistakes there is no doubt although this sin is just as forgivable as all of the rest of them.
There is a future for your life regardless of whether or not you believe it just yet. There is hope too. You don’t have to live without it. You don’t have to continue to suffer in silence. You are valued. You are loved. You are forgiven. It’s just up to you to get it.
For more about forgiveness watch “Living in Forgiveness” on Saturdays in Dallas channels 27 & 47.2. NY & NY new channel 49.1 Stream live atwww.uanetwork.tvand watch previous episodes here: http://uanetwork.tv/uanon-demand/living-forgiveness-julie-blair/
**Starting May 5th Living in Forgiveness will air Tuesdays at 9:30pm**
Forgiveness is something that impacts every single living person; regardless of anything. It doesn’t matter socioeconomic status, age, gender, marital status; nothing matters. Forgiveness impacts. Where forgiveness begins too has impact. The question is where does forgiveness begin?
Forgiveness begins in the mind. You see; forgiveness is a choice. Where do you make any choice in your day? Your mind. Sure you may feel something in your heart but regardless of what you ‘feel’ you still make the choice in your mind. The choice to purchase the fabulous pumps, eat this or that; exercise or not exercise all begin in the mind. Adam and Eve were faced with a choice to be obedient and eat from the tree. They didn’t have to make that choice; but they did. They made the choice in their mind. They knew what they should do but again; they made a choice. The wrong choice. And that was conceived in their minds.
So what is in your mind? How do you make decisions? What is the level of forgiveness that you want to achieve in your life? What is the choice that you are going to make when it comes to forgiveness?Are you going to allow how you ‘feel’ be what you live? Are your emotions ruling you? It’s not like most people want to forgive the pain that others caused; but know that it is the strong who forgive. Are you strong? Make the choice to be strong and let your mind be the residing factor of that. After all; it is where forgiveness begins.
Forgiveness is a lifestyle; just as much so is unforgiveness. Creating a lifestyle of forgiveness is doable. In fact for Believers it is a command to live a lifestyle of forgiveness. When Jesus was asked by Peter how many times one should forgive He simply replied, ‘Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’ Matthew 18:22. Therefore; living a lifestyle of a Believer is there and available for you. Yes you! So how do you get there?
1. Recognize that you have the choice to forgive. The choice to forgive is yours. The choice to not forgive is also yours. When choosing a lifestyle that you want that brings the most peace it is a choice. You have the power to choose and making the choice is the first step to living your life empowered and moving in the right direction for your life.
2. Accept that people make mistakes. People let people down; it is part of life. When we focus on what others do we misunderstand that they are not perfect. Only Jesus was and is perfect and when that level of expectation is placed on others the mistakes they make reign control. When you understand and receive the revelation that people are not perfect and do not allow what they do to control you; you will be in better position to live in freedom and forgiveness of them for their mistakes.
3. Accept yourself. Accepting yourself is part of a lifestyle of forgiveness. Regardless of where you are or what you have done; self acceptance is a major component of living a lifestyle of forgiveness. When you accept your imperfections and mistakes; peace can enter.
The lifestyle of forgiveness is one that requires daily maintenance. Life happens. It’s what you do and how you handle it that matters. The choice ultimately is up to you. Forgiveness or unforgiveness is a lifestyle and the choice of what you choose is yours.
There is a misconception about forgiveness. There always is. Many in the Church say there isn’t a lot on the topic; yet there is. Many think that forgiveness just means restoration and reconciliation; yet this too is a fallacy. Forgiveness yes restores one with the Father; however, there is much otherwise that it does not mean or do. So the question is: does forgiveness automatically mean restoration? Nope.
I used to believe it did. I used to think that once I forgave someone or someone forgave me that the relationship would be restored and all would be good. Makes sense right? That is until I came across Psalm 85. Then I saw what I believed for too long to be wrong. Check this out:
1You, Lord, showed favor to your land;
you restored the fortunes of Jacob.
2 You forgave the iniquity of your people
and covered all their sins.[b]
3 You set aside all your wrath
and turned from your fierce anger.
4 Restore us again, God our Savior,
and put away your displeasure toward us.
5 Will you be angry with us forever?
Will you prolong your anger through all generations?
6 Will you not revive us again,
that your people may rejoice in you?
7 Show us your unfailing love, Lord,
and grant us your salvation.
If you look closely in verse 1 it is clear that the fortunes of Jacob were restored. Got it. But keep reading. Stop at verse 4. Notice it was an ask for restoration. It is not automatic. It simply is not. You need to look no further although you really do.
See; when you forgive someone with an expectation of anything you are setting yourself up for something that perhaps you will not receive. Restoration is not automatic. I once was there thinking that forgiveness meant restoration and it was rather painful to be on the end of not receiving it. It was like purchasing a plane ticket and then learning that the ability to sit in the seat was a separate price.
If your relationships are not where you are expecting them to be through the process of forgiveness; it could be that you have not yet reached the level of restoration with the situation, the people; and the pain involved. Forgiveness is a process and so is restoration. They may come together but not always. Don’t trap yourself into expectations of anything other than being committed to the entire process for further fulfillment in your life.
The past is the one thing we all have in common; we have one. Yours is different than mine is different than my neighbors. Regardless of where you are; forgiving the shame that comes with it will set you free. There is no doubt as I am right here right now with this message. Freedom from the shame of your past is for you. You see; the past can and does destroy your future if you are not careful. Shame breeds itself in ways most don’t recognize. Forgiveness changes that; and it changes lives. To get free; forgive. Forgive the shame. Forgive the past. Simply forgive.
Forgiveness heals. Pain hurts and when not dealt with it continues to hurt. Life is painful and whether you are feeling shame from having an affair, an abortion; or even murdering someone going through the process of forgiveness will change your life. Oh you didn’t make those mistakes? Ok; forgive yourself for lyining to your parents, cheating in college, stealing from your employer; or kicking that little dog. Living in shame only breeds condemnation, self-loathing, embarrassment; and all the other cousins that truly do make life and the future unbearable. Forgiveness heals your heart allowing you to move forward toward self- acceptance. Forgive yourself today. Do it now.
Forgiveness changes your perspective. We all make mistakes; some larger than others. What’s ironic about this is that we think we are the deciders on the sin scale. Are you aware that Jesus died on the cross for you and that a sin is a sin is a sin? There is no measure of yours is bigger so you deserve less like many people believe. Even Jeffrey Dahmer was forgiven! Through one act of forgiveness not only is there healing but a perspective change. I learned years ago when I forgave my biological mother for abandoning me that there was another side to the story. Duh! My perspective about the situation and what truly happened changed. My perspective toward her changed. The shame I carried for so long about being a throw-away changed. I was no longer this person who was just dumped and not worthy; I became a person of purpose. I became a forgiver! Forgiveness reveals much more than you can possibly see when there is shame from your past living inside you.
Forgiveness frees. I wanted freedom for so much of my life but didn’t know what it looked like! It doesn’t come in the form of big houses and dollar signs! It doesn’t come in the form of luxury cars and love for a night. It can’t. Those things in some ways only breed more shame when they are not kept up because they were sought after for the wrong reasons. Forgiveness frees people from all the pain, shame; strife that is in life. We all have a past. We all have done things that we may not want to admit, accept or see; and the best news is that through forgiveness you can be free. Free indeed! He died to set the captives free and when I really grasped what that meant I was no longer a slave to the shame of what I had become. No longer was I bound by my wretched ways. No longer was I a prisoner in my own self. I was free through forgiveness. And you can be too.
If you are living in the past that bondage will keep you there. It will keep you being the victim instead of the victor. It will keep you being pathetic instead of powerful. It will keep you in religion and not relationship. It will keep you under instead of uplifted. It will serve nothing good in your life because it can’t. There is too much in your future to allow your past and the shame of it to be the center stage. If you are not experiencing true victory in your life then it’s time to forgive. If you spend more time thinking about the mistakes you made it’s time to forgive. Forgive yourself for what you have done. Forgive yourself what you have become. Forgive yourself for thinking you are less than what He says you are. it took me a long time to grasp that lesson dear reader; but now that I get it I am free. I am free to forgive and go live. It’s waiting for you too.
It’s no secret that divorce is rampant. It’s rampant everywhere; not just in Hollywood. The divorce statistics of those in the Church are just as high so apparently the lesson of forgiveness needs to reach us all! Perhaps marriage vows should read something more like, ‘Till I want to part because it’s Tuesday’ and not ‘ till death due us part’ because people really just don’t get it. It would make sense really since in today’s society it’s more about having million dollar weddings and marriages that last oh; a couple of months. And that’s a big maybe. So what’s the issue causing such divorce at record pace?
Unforgiveness. Yep. Sure you may be thinking, “Well, I have grounds. He’s not the man I married.” Or you may thinking, ‘She’s changed.’ And so? If she or he didn’t change you would be mad about that too so what really is the point? This is where we have it all wrong! Our society has deemed marriage disposable and worthless and the people in it are just as pathetic by the day of divorce decree. Are we just that selfish and narcissistic to not stop and see it? Anyone anywhere can come up with a justified reason for anything; but it doesn’t mean it’s good or even right; or even the best one and may see after the fact that the grass is greener on the other side but they still have to mow it.
See; the infidelity, withholding sex, silent treatment, drinking, not spending time together, growing apart, waiting for the children to go to college, job loss, income issues; and all the other things related to the reasons ‘why’ are just symptoms. Every single thing that is the cause of divorce is symptom related. The real issue is beneath all of those symptoms and most couples never recognize it. Why? Because they are too busy blaming and trying to be right rather than forgiving. If only couples would learn the lesson of forgiveness NOW so that these problems don’t become the cause of divorce we may have more marriages that actually do last a lifetime. So how does unforgiveness cause divorce?
1. Unforgiveness keeps you focused on the symptoms. When you are focused on the symptoms you aren’t able to see the problem. Why are you not having sex with your spouse? Why are you not spending time together? ‘Not having time’ is an excuse not the reason. People make time for what is important. If you are not then ask yourself when it’s divorce time who’s fault is it really? What am I doing or not doing that has my marriage where it’s at?
2. Unforgiveness is a victim mentality. We are all victims of things other people to do us at some point in life. None of us are perfect; none are immune. If you are living your life as the victim of what your spouse did to you it’s clear sign you have not forgiven. Period. If you want to get a clear picture stop and reflect on all the things that you have done that probably hurt your spouse in some capacity. Stop blaming your spouse when you are in the same marriage! Start forgiving.
3. Unforgiveness keeps you focused on the past. Unforgiving people live in the past. It’s all about what happened ‘way back when’ which really has nothing to do with ‘now but never mind actually bringing that up with them because it’s a moot point. That person will have plenty to speak about about how you missed the birthday party five years as a former neighbor of mine would remind her boyfriend every Friday night at the midnight living room fight. Clearly; a sign that they were not able to move on because she just could not let it go. It was five years ago! If you are hoarding the mistakes of your spouse from even yesterday it’s time to forgive. And quickly otherwise the resentment, bitterness and all the other symptoms will be evident to the extent of the death of your marriage.
If you want true freedom in your marriage; forgive. You don’t want to let the mistakes your spouse made destroy what you have invested your life to build. Don’t be like those in Hollywood who learn of their husband’s former flings and then harbor it for selfish reasons. It’s not worth it. It’s not to say that forgiving someone is easy because we all know it’s not and this is not a prosperity message. This is message written to save your life, your marriage, your family and your future. Take it serious while you still can. In case your forgot: forgive.
Lies are something of a fascination to me. It’s amazing how easily deceived people are by them; without even knowing it. They sweep in our lives and kill with such stealth moves leaving most of us paralyzed for life.
The other day I listened to an interview with singer songwriter Toni Braxton. She spoke much about her personal life; including the abortion she regretted.
Toni spoke about her family and the tough financial trials and the bankruptcy she went through. It was during that time that she got pregnant and couldn’t see herself raising a child when she was in the midst of financial fall. She talked about how much she regretted having an abortion and how selfish she now sees her choice.
What captured me was 1) she knew it was selfish, 2) her regret. Those two things speak volumes without a doubt. She continued that she later become pregnant and her child was born with autism. She believed the autism was punishment from God and that yes; she deserved it.
The entire story broke my heart! You see; there is forgiveness. There is freedom for abortion. Jesus died on the cross so that we could be forgiven our sins. And forgiveness knows no bounds. If you are like Toni; there is forgiveness for you. There is forgiveness for your selfish ways. All you have to do is ask. Do not be deceived into thinking that your choice to have an abortion isn’t forgivable. That my dear friend; is a lie.
I encourage you today to seek forgiveness because it will change your life. It will set you free. It will remove the chains of bondage. Let it all go! Let go of the shame, guilt, condemnation, self-loathing, regret; and all of rest of the cousins attached. There is no need to continue like Toni and live in shame as she said for the sins that she committed. There just isn’t. It’s a trap! Yes we all make mistakes there is no doubt although this sin is just as forgivable as all of the rest of them.
There is a future for your life regardless of whether or not you believe it just yet. There is hope too. You don’t have to live without it. You don’t have to continue to suffer in silence. You are valued. You are loved. You are forgiven. It’s just up to you to get it.
Forgiveness is a hard thing for many to grasp and even harder for many to receive. The good news is that wherever you are and whatever you have done- it’s for you!
Forgiveness knows no bounds. It is not prejudice. Forgiveness does not discriminate. People do; but not forgiveness. Whether you have cheated, killed, murdered, stole, gossiped, lied, coveted; it doesn’t matter. Forgiveness is for you. What you have done in the past is not defining of your future.
Forgiveness is the one thing that once given; can’t be taken away. It is yours and you can have it. Jesus did not die and then take back did He? He even on the cross went to the Father on our behalf. That takes guts!
See; it’s only people who have judgment in their hearts who hold the forgiveness scale. They equate level of forgiveness with level of sin in their minds and that is only going to keep a level of bondage that is a trap. Remove those judgmental thoughts; especially the thoughts of what a wretched person you are. We are all mistake makers and none are any different.
Once you truly grasp that what you have done is what you have done and that today is a new today and that on this day; you too can receive forgiveness then you will be free. How do I know? I’ve been there. I lived a life of misery in bondage. I lived on resentment lane. I owned all the property in the town of Bitterness. And now I live in the land of Free. The world of Forgiveness. Take it from me. The latter is much better than the former.
There is power in the tongue so reads Proverbs 18:21. The tongue can deliver life or death. By the words you speak you change lives; for the better or worse is up to you. By your tongue you can do more than you may think.
What is interesting is that universities are now getting involved in the message. What is offensive language is forever changing and if you are in a more mature generation or even if you were born before Atari you may recall that the term ‘Founding Fathers’. Well; universities have been on strike against those two words linked together for it is offensive to some. Who knows who the ‘some’ are although apparently there are those who find what those men did for the great Nation of America offensive and therefore; you may hear the term ‘pioneers’ instead.
What’s amazing is that through this change in speech at universities such as Duke; the right to free speech is also changing with it.
From personal experience professors at University of Phoenix are known to be highly encouraged and then reprimanded if action not taken to remove any and all references to the words Jesus, Christianity, Christian Church and Bible from their biographies. It’s a tricky thing when professors are required to share what they do outside of teaching a university class when the professors are not allowed to share it because they are afraid someone will be offended by what a professor does on his or her own time. I wonder if I had instead put ‘dancer with no clothes on for fun in the nighttime for extra spending money’ would have garnered the same results or if that would have just been viewed as ‘freedom of expression’. I digress.
The latest ‘Discouragement’ Campaign was recently launched at Duke to remove language that is oppressive to homosexuals and insults people. While a nice idea to not offend people although the overall campaign is missing the point.
Instead of focusing on not offending one segment of the population why not just bring the Proverb 18:21 in the lives of students not only at Duke but across universities and live by the words of Proverbs 18:21, ‘The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.’
When you speak words of live to others it changes them in positive ways. When we focus on segments of people we miss what we could and should be saying. In essence we remove the right to free speech.
Do we really need campaigns to remove our speech? Or do we just need to have a heart attitude filled with love and encouragement; one filled with uplifting others through our words? At what point will we grasp that what we need isn’t yet one more campaign for this or that but rather a changed heart? It isn’t about what we make it and until we see that; we will continue to use the wrong words for the wrong messages and will still get the same wrong results.