I recently had a conversation with a women who was upset because a man in her life didn’t want a relationship. She couldn’t quite figure out what her issue was. She was trying and trying; and trying to do all the right things and it wasn’t working. So she tried more. Maybe this has been you. In listening to her I felt for her because I remember a time in my life where that was me. I thought that if I didn’t something different it would change things. If I did this; then I would get the results I wanted. If I did that he would have to see just how fabulous I was. The funny thing is that it never worked. It never does. It can’t. Let me explain.
A woman doing more to get a man isn’t going to get him. If he isn’t interested; he isn’t interested. No matter how many meals you cook, cards you send, sext messages you send it flat out won’t work. If you weren’t interested in a man would it work on you? Of course not! You may even go so far as to tell your friends that you have a stalker. You laugh yet know it’s true. So why would you expect that it will work if you do something? Are you really that much better, prettier, smaller waisted, bigger chested, wealthier, sweeter, kinder, sensual; or intelligent than any other women on the planet? Probably not. I rest my case.
The point is that you as a woman have to know where your identity comes from. If you are seeking a man to create it you are kidding yourself. There is no way possible for a man to do this; especially if he doesn’t know who he is! How can he be something for you that he is not for himself?
It’s quite an unfair expectation to believe that a man can become your identity when that is not his job. Period. No man was created for the sole purpose of being your identity. That is your job to figure out. Many women want a man to ‘complete’ them so they say although in reality; they want a man to create their identity so that it will give them purpose. Ladies; you need to understand that you have a purpose and that when you know your purpose you will know your identity. When you know your identity you will be able to recognize and live in the value that you have. Anything less is settling and you are too good of a woman to settle now aren’t you?
If a man doesn’t want a relationship with you it doesn’t mean that you have done anything wrong. In fact; most likely him not wanting a relationship with you has ‘nothing’ to do with you! Stop making it all about you when it’s not! Stop accepting that rejection over your life and realize that your identity is not based upon a man with whom you aren’t even in a relationship with! Let him go and celebrate in who you are! Rejoice in the fact that you know and move on. There are plenty of men who would welcome you and all that you bring to the table. Don’t lose another minute over someone who isn’t ready for the fantastic you that you are!
Everyone has secrets. Just ask them. What most don’t think about is what secrets are hiding in their closets. Now of course I am talking about your wardrobe closet. Every closet reveals so much about the person and most don’t even realize it. When I help people organize closets it’s amazing the stories of life that I am told; just by looking at the contents. What does your closet reveal? Well; continue reading and find out!
1- Complacency: I see this quite often with those who work in Corporate America. The basic black slacks and white button down; the epitome of boring. Sure black made hide body image issues but really? No color and everything is the same. Typically this person is a creature of habit and doesn’t want to be bothered with thinking about what to wear as it takes too much time; or so they say. They work in a professional environment so the need for anything other than that isn’t necessary. Well; if you want to get a date or keep your husband happy; some color and a cocktail dress to show off how beautiful you are won’t hurt! Just ask your date or husband. You may be shocked at the answer. You must realize is that work isn’t your entire life; it’s just one area of your life and a proper wardrobe should be able to meet all the areas of your life.
2- Identity Crisis: This is often noticed quickly when people are attached to labels. ‘Oh that’s my Chanel’ or ‘I can’t part with those Louboutins’ or even ‘I paid a fortune for that Prada’ when in reality no one cares what you paid or that it’s a label but you. What it reveals on a larger scale is that the person’s identity is created through the labels. While there is nothing wrong with liking certain brands, labels, etc. etc.. it’s the reason behind them and having so many that is the underline issue. If you love whatever the item is- does the label matter? If the fit is amazing- does the label matter? Of course not! For someone who has a closet filled with labels what it does it takes away from the person creating a wardrobe that fits their identity all on their own without needing to be branded by a tag that no one sees.
3- Boredom and Dreaming: When I see closets filled with new items with tags on them this reveals a couple of things. The first is that the person doesn’t have enough going on that there is a need for shopping for something to do which reveals boredom and 2) the person is dreaming of a life not being lived. The other reason would be that they just learned how to shop for their lifestyle and have made a few purchases; although the tags won’t stay on for long! When people have what they need in their closets they are using what is there which means tags aren’t left attached. When a closet is filled with many items with tags there is always something going on underneath that is a big red flag. What need are the items being used to fill?
4- Letting go of the past: Trends come and go. People gain and lose weight and life changes. It just happens on a daily basis. When I see closets where women have suits with the dickies and the sweaters with the jingle bells hanging off of them it causes me to wonder why. Why are these items taking up space- and so much of it! Typically; going deeper in conversation with these clients I find that there is always a reason. People keep memories of good times in their lives. Items in a closet reveal this and sometimes more often than we like. It’s ok to move forward and keep the memory but is there really a need to keep the item and the memory? The past is in the past for a reason and all too often remembering how tiny you were, how great you looked; and how wonderful your life was is good- but why not create that for your life now while you are here in the present?
5- Fear of Expression: When I see a closet filled with the same thing and maybe in a different color it reveals that someone just bought the one item in every color which may be perceived as smart shopping; although how many of the same sweater sets does a woman need? A bit of variety never hurt anyone yet many women yet that fear holds them back. What is comfortable is what people tend to settle for when in reality; freedom of expression is much more freeing than anything!
Every woman and man has more going on in life than living in a single dimension. There are many facets to everyone’s lives and a wardrobe is a reflection of that. There isn’t ever a reason to just be boring and settle for looking basic when it’s so simple to look fabulous and even on a budget. Don’t you at least owe it to yourself to look great and feel good about it? I think so! So what is your wardrobe secret that you want to be free of? If you share with me yours I will share mine too. You go first!
Some people believe that forgiveness is sold in cycles during the holidays; however, there is nothing further from the truth than that. Unforgiveness kills and if you want to die between the holidays then hold on to it. If you want to be free any day of the year; forgive and make it a habit. You will be forever glad you did.
In watching the Real Housewives franchise there is yes much drama; but some lessons we can learn if we pay attention. Last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County yet again provides us much for discussion.
I already wrote about Tamra Barney and how not hearing the words, ‘I love you’ impacted her life so for today I want to focus on forgiveness. In listening to her speech and seeing her and her mother interact the pain of their lives is evident. The unforgiveness of what occurred is something still keeping them from growing together. Not only this; the unforgiveness that each of them hold toward themselves too is there as well. You see; forgiveness softens the heart while unforgiveness steals your joy and keeps you living as a victim and not victor. It destroys and it’s a slow death. In your life how much pain from the past are you holding on to? How free would you like to be?
In the situation between Heather and Terry we see much the same. Here is a husband groveling for forgiveness while Heather lets him continuously do so all the while at one point makes the comment to him that he needs to let it go; yet here she is still holding on to her own unforgiveness toward him. How many times does someone have to apologize before you truly let it go? Wasn’t it Peter who asked Jesus how many times do we need to forgive and it was well beyond the ‘7’ times he thought!
In both situations unforgiveness is something holding them back. How much of your unforgiveness is holding you back? Isn’t it time to let it go?
It will change your life when you make the choice to do so. From personal experience; I forgave my biological mother for the decisions she made that impact my life and guess what? My life changed! Not only this; my eye color and my voice changed too . We now have a great relationship that never could have been so long as I harbored that unforgiveness.
You see; unforgiveness doesn’t play alone. Don’t be fooled. Unforgiveness brings the entire family with it. Resentment, bitterness, anger, fear of abandonment, rejection, ego, overly opinionated, vanity; victim mentality and many many more relatives to anyone unsuspecting of its wicked ways. It brings a slow death.
I encourage you today to be brave. I encourage you to look deep in the mirror and get beyond yourself and truly forgive those who have hurt you. Will it hurt? Probably; but it will hurt you more in the long run if you don’t. Does it matter what the other person or people did that hurt you? No more or less than what you have done to others. It has nothing to do with them anyway. Forgiving is about you and your life; and internal freedom. It’s time now to let it go and become the you that you were created to be. Don’t let another minute of your life be taken. Trust me; I lost more than 2 decades. It simply is not worth it. Give the best give to yourself today and forgive.
Do you know you are loved? There has never been a moment in your life when you have not been loved. I hope that you realize this; wherever you are and whatever you are doing. Never a moment in your life. Reflect on that and let it sink in.
3 simple words that carry such meaning and change lives. They have impact far reaching that we can ever predict. In tonight’s episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County Tamra Barney shared much that provided insight to her behavior and while there is much for exploration; my only purpose tonight is one. Love.
What saddened me in hearing her story was the pain of her life of course; but more-so the reality of how hearing something like ‘I love you’ can change a life. Equally; not hearing too can change a life.
Tamra didn’t hear her father tell her that he loved her until she was 21. How about you? When was the last time that you heard someone tell you that he or she loves you? If you are a parent; how often do you tell your children? Better yet; how often do you tell your husband or wife? Don’t let it be the one thing you never say that you wish you could. Life is too short to let that go without saying.
So for you, reader; regardless of your status, situation, color, gender, sexual orientation or anything else know that I love you. You are valuable. You are precious. You are important. You matter.
Now go share the great news with those in your life!
In a conversation with a client of mine I could hear something different in his tone. While I couldn’t see him since we were not face to face I knew there was something different about him. I was right. I asked him how he was and he replied, ‘I am very good’. I asked him what was making him ‘very good’ on that day and he said, ‘I’m very good because I am giving.’
It got me thinking about a few things. Is there an area of my life where I could give more? I wondered if he knew he would feel as good as he did before he gave or if he just felt that good because he gave. Knowing the type of person he is I don’t think he purpose of giving was just so he could feel good as there are plenty of other things to feel good than to give. Not only this; giving just to feel good isn’t really giving at all.
Regardless; it is enjoyable to be around someone who has a heart of giving and feels good about it. I could hear that he felt good about what it was that he gave. While I don’t know what it was that he gave it doesn’t even matter. It’s his heart that matters and that is one of giving. I don’t even think that he would recognize that as that is just who he is. Do you have people in your life that are like that? If not then why not become that person for other? What a way to give right?
This leads me to be challenged to give and to do it more often while also challenging you to do the same. So- what can you give today? What can you give to be the world change that the world needs?
I had a conversation today with someone about relationships. It was one of those conversations where you let someone just say what they want all the while you know you disagree but what is the point of engaging? In reality; the point of the conversation as a whole is still up for question.
The one thing that struck me was hearing that marriage shouldn’t ‘t take work. The premise is that marriage should be a ‘cake walk’ because you both are on the same page and want to take care of each other. Sure that may be what people want and think but is that really reality?
Bottom line is that if you have something you want to keep don’t you have to take care of it? I’ve never heard of a Stanley Cup winning team be the winner without working at it or Michael Phelps not working at his craft. I’ve never heard from couples who have been married for 40 or more years say they didn’t have to work at it. It would make more sense that it’s maintenance and the price of keeping what you have and keep in the tact. My dentist always says to floss the ones you want to keep and I think this applies here.
What do you do to maintain your good and healthy relationships? Would you consider it work?
If you aren’t yet doing anything that’s ok; now is a great time to start!
When you talk to your friends have you ever noticed if it seems to be more ‘report’ than ‘rapport’? The conversation isn’t about much other than each person just regurgitating the daily events and occurrences in his or her life. ‘I’m not dating so and so; and it’s fine. Work is the usual. The lawn needs mowed again. How about you? What is going on in your little world?’ And then the other person just does the same but maybe a little more excitement. Maybe. ‘Life is good. Bob has a job so I can’t complain. Janie is almost through her first semester at UT and Syracuse is in the Final 4. Not much else really; just waiting to see what comes next.’
Is this really what life is? A bunch of reports to people? Seriously? Unfortunately; yep.
I thought about this in my own life and felt saddened that that is what it seems to be. Everyone just gives updates and then goes back home to find more things to update life about. Is that where twitter came from or are we just bringing twitter into our personal relationships without a realizing it?
If this is a trend we are following as a society then what should we expect? The ability to interact with people and truly get to know them is dying; and quickly. If we don’t get beyond the reporting to asking people ‘how are you today’ and actual mean it then we are headed for more trouble than we can imagine. The divorce rate is already at an all time high and maybe, just maybe it’s because people care more about the report compared to the rapport.
Who today can you talk to? I mean really engage in conversation with and not just the stupid stuff that is irrelevant to who that person is at a core. How about your wife? How is she really doing? How is your husband beyond the ‘fine’ you may hear at the end of the day? How are your friends? Single friends- what is really going on with them? Do you even know or is it just covered up with the facade of new spring color trends?
I challenge you to get beyond accepting the outer and dig deeper. You will be surely surprised to what you may find.
We live in a society where friends come and go with the click of a button; which begs the question, ‘was that person truly a friend’? Are you a good friend? What makes you even think that you can say that?
I recently listened to a sermon where the pastor posed the question: ‘what makes up a good friend’ and it captured me because it’s something that I find myself really not thinking about much lately; if at all in any recent years. Sure there has been talk about not hearing from friends, needing to make new friends, how old friends are; but not much on how I am doing in that department. Maybe it’s time for a tune-up in that are. How about you?
The sermon continued on about the difference between being a servant and a friend which was definitely touchy for many because all so often it’s said that people on their judgment day want to be hear, ”Well done, good and faithful servant….’ which is fantastic; except leaving a little less than the title of friend. (or a lot) The pastor continued on to read, ‘I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.’
Being a servant is so one-dimensional in reality; or works based because it’s just acting instead of serving. When you look at the people in your life ask yourself: ‘Am I really being a friend?’ Do you know what is going on in their lives? Are you what you want to be in their lives? Are they what you want them to be in your life?
Being a friend is much more than we realize and not seeing it is such a shame. It’s only when we get away from the ‘click-it’ mentality will we be able to see our friends as friends and not just numbers on a wall. It’s when we look at them as the wonderful people that they are that we will be able to do more for them; to get out and serve- to make their lives better.
What can you start doing today for your friends? Start with your spouse as isn’t your spouse your best friend? Are you the friend to him or her that you should be? If you don’t have a spouse- find someone else! It doesn’t take much to get out and go be the friend that you want others to be for you.
What are you going to do? Share your ideas and let’s all be better friends for the sake of being a friend.
I recently listened to a pastor talk about happiness and he said something that was contrary to what I had been led to believe for most of my saved life. He said that he too had been taught that ‘happiness is just what’s happening now’ and that we should ‘seek joy’ instead. Once the thing that makes us happy is gone then it’s gone. He bought that teaching like many. This was until he started diving in to what the word actually means.
His research revealed that the word ‘blessed’ actually means ‘hugely happy’ and that the word ‘blessed’ occurs 48 times in the NT. People who are hugely happy typically are blessed while those who are blessed are hugely happy right? It would seem apparent that they walk hand in hand.
So the question is: what makes you happy? What makes you ‘hugely’ happy? How are you blessed? If you look around my guess is that you can always find something to be happy about; regardless of your situation. If you don’t believe me; drive down to your local inner city and count how many homeless people there are and then look inside the car you drove to get there. If you have old McDonald’s bags tossed in the back; be happy that you had enough money to even get the food in the first place!
If you are single are there things to be happy about? Married; what about your spouse brings happiness to your life? If you sit in traffic what can you see and do on your way to where ever you are going besides complain?
I have to be honest and catch myself today because I could easily fall into the trap of unhappiness. I can look at all the things I don’t have like the husband that I don’t have; the children I haven’t given life to; the father I have yet to find and meet- and I could go on and on. I’m sure you could too. Instead; my choice today is to be happy that I am alive, that I am healthy, that I have hair and that every time I walk into my living room I am surrounded by my favorite Joe Malone candle that I can actually smell. How about you?
You may have read the title and thought to yourself, ‘sure. who doesn’t want better relationships’ but that never happens. People are people and we are all just stuck with them.
While this may be a negative viewpoint; although true as well, it doesn’t mean that your relationships can’t be better. How do I know? I used to have terrible relationships. Ironically enough; I am educated in the field of communication and have taught communication courses at the collegiate level for over a decade. It just goes to show I too have had to experience those relationships that are now not.
So that’s the secret? How do we get better relationships with people who just aren’t willing to change? How do we get better relationships from those who don’t see our point of view? Those who just never seem to listen to what we have to say? Those that just don’t seem to get it?
I will tell you plainly like I was years ago. Your problem my friend is you. Yep. I said it. You are the common denominator in all of those relationships right? If you want them to be better then why not focus on what you can do about making them better? I can surely tell you that you complaining about what they are instead of what you think they should will not get you anywhere. I tried that too.
What was ‘my’ problem? Why were my relationships not going the way they should have been? Why was I not fulfilled? Why was everything so difficult? Simple. I was unforgiving. You see; unforgiveness steals your joy. It robs you of anything pleasing and sweet. It is like the cancer that spreads ever so slowly that you have no idea what is going on until the pain is so deep that you can’t handle it any more. It exudes out of your body in ways that people don’t talk about at Sunday dinner. It brings with it bitterness, resentment and anger. It is sly like that snake just waiting to wrap it’s nasty head around you; all the while you go about your business complaining that everyone else is the problem. They are not my friend.
Forgiveness blocks your ability to be of service to others because it keeps you focused on being the victim. It keeps you from receiving blessings because people quite frankly; don’t want to be around you. It destroys who you are to the deepest core. Not this; hypertension and arthritis are linked to unforgiveness according to a Harvard study in 2007.
It is through forgiveness that your relationships can be restored. You can be healed and those people in your life can be forever changed by your one choice to forgive. It may be the hardest thing you ever do; but the most rewarding. You see; none of us are any different. We all have stories. I was abandoned by my biological mother, lived in a foster home and at 16 a homeless shelter. If you think I wasn’t unforgiving you are kidding yourself! Maybe you too can relate; or maybe something else happened to you in your past. The time is now to forgive that person. Now is the time to be free. Now is the time to live your life. The forgiveness isn’t about anyone else but you. Don’t you think that you are worth it?
When I made the choice to forgive my mother and all the people who hurt me; everything in my life changed. My heart changed, my eye color changed and even my choice changed. You may think that these are great but wait- there’s more! I was reunited with my biological mother. We have a healthy relationship and were even featured guests on The Today Show.
http://www.today.com/id/26184891/vp/38040165#38040165
Take it from me first hand; forgiveness steals so much. I would love more time back and maybe even some of those broken relationships; but the good news is that I am going forward free of what sucked the life out of me. And I can do it with my mother. If I had chosen to stay unforgiving there is so much that we both would have lost out on and I can’t imagine ever going back down that path. I hope that you don’t either!
There is so much more about forgiveness than I have time for in this post but this is the first step. You have to take an introspective look at yourself and see if maybe the real issues in your relationship are caused by you and your unforgiveness. If they are- stop blaming others and start fixing yourself. You will be glad you did!