Forgiving a Mother Who Wronged You
Mothers are known to be heroes. They have strength. They can do anything in the eyes of a child. They are wonderful; they are hormonal mistake-makers. Sometimes more often than not the focus is on the latter instead of the former.
Mothers live in a world of expectations that never end. It’s amazing that mothers can even survive the day much less teenagers, a career and all the additional goings on that occur in daily life. It’s amazing that they live to tell the stories of successes and failures.
Mothers need forgiveness for the mistakes they made. They are not perfect; there are merely people trying to do what is best and sometimes they have no clue what that is or what it looks like. How do I know? I have a mother. I have a biological mother who made a choice on that day in 1977 that drastically changed the course of my life. I have a mother whom I hated for most of my life. I have a mother whom I blamed for how my turned out. I have a mother who made a mistake. I have a mother that I made the choice to forgive.
The decision to forgive was something that not only changed my life; but hers as well. It changed the lives of those that I come into contact with. It forever changed how I see things. Never before could I grasp the choice that a mother, my mother had to make. You see; I was an almost victim of the baby black market in Canada in the 1970’s. I didn’t know. I didn’t know until I forgave my mother and learned the truth.
There are many things that a mother does that sometimes a child cannot understand. Perhaps this is true for you. Your mother has done things to you that have hurt you and you feel justified to harbor resentment, forgiveness and bitterness toward her. You are really hurting yourself more than you are hurting her. She knows why she did what she did. You on the other hand-do not. In all your mental glory you deem it appropriate to judge something you know nothing about. I sure did!
Once I learned the truth I was set free. I was set free from my unforgiveness but the truth as well. Additionally; the real Truth of course has set me free. I never again have to look back at the mistakes my mother made because they are not relevant. What is important is to see that none of us are any better and that we all make mistakes; mothers included.
Regardless of what your mother has done; there is a reason. Whether or not you like the reason or agree with it doesn’t change the fact that there is one. By forgiving your mother you will see and understand why. It will bring empathy to a situation that while harboring unforgiveness you could not see. Your forgiveness will not only change your life but hers as well. It will bring peace a relationship anew. And in the end; isn’t that what’ it’s about?
It’s a tricky question to ponder; unless you have been there. Could you forgive a cheater? Most think cheater in terms of infidelity but what about cheaters in sports? Marion Jones? Lance Armstrong? What about financial cheaters? Bernie Madoff? We could take it even further and ask if you could forgive the government for cheating you of your hard earned money. So it goes the question again: could you forgive a cheater?
Forgiving cheaters is a challenge? Cheaters reveal much about their character in terms of selfishness, narcissism, lack of regard and respect for others and the list goes on. While their traits are revealed; yours are as well.
See; when you are cheated on or just cheated you are a victim. There is no doubt and most wouldn’t question this. Whether or not someone tries to justify cheating; the person still knows right from wrong and there is no justification for being a cheater and liar. You see; honest people do what is honest because they are honest. Period.
What people miss through the entire realm of cheating and being cheated on is forgiveness. It’s hard. It’s hard to look at the person who cheated in whatever realm the same. It’s hard to builForgid trust, respect; and even desire to want anything to do with that person. Pain leaves its mark. Pain can destroy. Pain hurts.
The good news is that forgiveness will save you. It will heal your soul, restore your life and even remove the pain. It isn’t about the cheater getting off free but rather you the victim no longer being the victim.
Forgiveness is about strength. Strength to let go the pain caused. Strength to not let the actions of others, regardless of what they are, have power over you. Strength to recognize that forgiveness is freedom. Anything else is a lie.
It took me years to forgive a cheater. He took everything from me and walked away to live his life as nothing happened; all the while I suffered in silent. It was years later that I learned the truth. I learned that forgiveness set me free. Now of course the Truth will make you free but freedom sets you free from control, lies; and pain. It releases a power of love, grace and mercy. It releases you to live at a higher level. It releases you from the bondage of those whose ways are dishonest. And isn’t that worth it?
It’s an amazing story all around no doubt. Could you imagine being taken in 2002 and then finally released in May 2013 to then forgive the man who stole so much of your life? Could you? You may be thinking ‘um. No!’ You are probably not alone. The good news is that you were not in that situation or faced with such a decision.
Michelle Knight or now known as Lilly Rose Lee made the choice to forgive Arial Castro for the torture she endured for over a decade. What a beautiful person right? What a great lesson for us all to be witness to.
What a great lesson for us all to see that regardless of what someone does to us; forgiveness can and does exist. To see that regardless of the acts of others forgiveness can still be given. What a gift to receive it; and what a gift to give.
While Arial Castro is no longer alive as he committed suicide Lilly Rose Lee is. Not only is she alive; she is free. Free from the bondage of that man but more importantly; free from the bondage of unforgiveness.
Have you ever been hurt? Probably right? Have you ever hurt someone else? Probably right? If you are reading this it’s safe to say you have been on both sides of the fence. If you were in the place of Lilly Rose Lee you may not want to forgive the man who stole the very essence of who you are although if you don’t wouldn’t you really just end up like him? Dead?
Lilly Rose Lee saw the bigger picture. She saw that her life and forgiveness was for and about her; and not anyone else. She is now living free in more ways than we could ever imagine or relate to. She gets it. She gets what it’s really about and is now truly able to enjoy what she has. Does it mean she is healed. Of course not! The good news is that forgiveness is on the way to be healed and made whole. Wouldn’t you rather be moving in that direction than letting the unforgiveness continue to rob you? Wouldn’t you rather not allow anyone or anything to master you? Why not start now and go get the gift of forgiveness that is there for you!
What a crazy world we live in isn’t it? It’s amazing how much society has changed; yet in the big scheme of things it really hasn’t. With the situation surrounding Donald Sterling it’s definitely cause of reflection and discussion. One question may be does Donald Sterling deserve to lose his job or be outlawed because of his beliefs? While the majority are saying yes I wonder how many of them have ever thought ill of a group of people or individuals. It’s a scary thing to live in a glass house.
The bigger question though surrounding the issue is does Donald Sterling deserve forgiveness? Some may ask ‘for what? and that would be a great question. Does he deserve forgiveness for his thoughts, his words; cheating on his wife? He deserves forgiveness as much as anyone else does for judging him for his thoughts and actions.
See; when we look at situations face value we lose sight of the bigger picture. Mr. Sterling’s thoughts and comments reflect something deeper that people are not talking about. It’s an issue of the heart. What’s in the heart comes out the mouth according to Proverbs and we all are a reflection of that. People are not talking about anything other than what they see on the outside and while it may not be what you, reader, may deliver to the public it is what he did. He is no different than Paula Dean or Phil Robertson right? People have opinions and while they may be outdated, hurtful; rude or disgusting in the eyes of others does not change anything. Isn’t it interesting that one person’s hateful opinion isn’t allowed yet another’s judgmental and hateful opinion of that person with that hateful opinion is?
None of us are any better than the next. Everyone alive has been hurt and hurt and so long as we live in a lifestyle of judgment and not forgiveness we will only see the one dimension of the situation. One person’s comments are no more a sin than the person judging that person for the comments.
It really does not matter what any of us think about the situation. It just doesn’t. What matters is how we respond to it. And so on this day I pray in Jesus name for the heart of Donald Sterling, that his eyes open to to the beauty of all people, their skills and talents, and what can be learned from them. I pray that we as a people come together to remove the bitterness and judgment toward one another and in our own hearts to see love and forgiveness knowing none of us are any better than the next. I pray that we come out in love not for the love of the sin but for the love of a person who, like all of us, made mistakes. I pray that we all look at how we behave and treat others and that we keep our hearts filled with what is good and pleasing, what would display and give love to others and of course a spirit of forgiveness. Amen.’
Until we grasp that we all need forgiveness we won’t get very far. It’s a shame that for some their hatred and ignorance is publicized although that’s the way it is. This leads me to my final question: If your deepest thoughts and words were made public would they reveal?
It’s inevitable that you will make a mistake in your life. I am proof of this as I make them daily; some larger than others. I am not perfect. The question is how do you hand it? What do you do in such a situation?
There are many lessons to be learned in handling how to make mistakes; but more importantly is the reflection of the lessons learned. If you never learn the lesson then where do you go? What would be the point? The pattern would only continue and what would that prove besides you are merely capable of repeating the same mistake. If you are one who has never made a mistake then perhaps I can learn something from you.
Bottom line is that we all make mistakes. There is no way around this; at least for me. How about you? The biggest lesson you can learn and the biggest thing you can do for yourself is to apologize for it and then forgive yourself. While it may be humbling it is part of life and the quicker way you can get going is to get on with it. If you don’t you will only live with more regret and turmoil than before you made the mistake in the first place.
Forgiveness is the most wonderful thing in the world. It changes lives, heals and restores. There is nothing that can move mountains quicker than forgiveness. How do I know? Simple. I lived a life of unforgiveness for more years than I care to admit.
What I can share with you honestly is that many years of my life were filled with hatred, resentment, bitterness and more. All the cousins of unforgiveness were alive and well; killing me. I didn’t have many healthy relationships, patience or positivity. While I didn’t care about any of that; I was living the way I knew. I lived a life of unforgiveness.
It wasn’t until I was shown the true process of forgiveness; what it meant and the impact that it would have on my life. I am forever changed by getting over myself. Imagine how that happens! See; I had been deceived for many years thinking that I had forgave those who hurt me although the symptoms were there. I hadn’t truly done anything but give lip service. Lip service my friends is nothing more than mental rationalization to continue to harbor what you want without consequence. It never works.
Once I was real with myself nothing was ever the same. Once I mad the choice to forgive my life changed and in big ways. See; everything internal manifests itself outward and the more I forgave those in my past for what they did to me my eye color changed and my voice changed. While it may be subtle the changes are evident without a doubt. Doors opened in ways unimaginable.
The biggest and most life changing event in my life was being reunited with my mother. I hated her for so long. Don’t be shocked- you probably would too if you went through some of the things I did. But I digress since that is not the point. My mother is a wonderful person who deserves as much love as the rest of us. My mother is someone who made a mistake and who am I to harbor unforgivess toward her? I had to learn and recognize that I too have made mistakes and if others were as unforgiving toward me as I was toward my mother where would any of us be?
My mother and I today are great! Her life has changed much from the time when she lived on the street corner in Houston before we met. We have a relationship and that is something that neither of us ever would have expected; especially from where we were. This in reality; is what forgiveness does. It heals, it restores; it reconciles. It changes people lives for the better of everyone we come into contact about. So my friends; who can you forgive today? Who’s life besides your own can you change?
It’s incredible that there are so many who push the ‘feminine’ agenda and all about the power of women unless it’s the likes of Sara Palin or Maria Kang; or those who are prettier than they are. Why ladies; can we all not come together to celebrate the essence of women instead of hating each other? Don’t we get enough of this from television commercials, men, religion; and everything else? It’s a worldwide issue and we together have the power to make it stop. It doesn’t matter if you are in Australia, Saudi Arabia, Canada or Tokyo it’s all the same,
The latest story of of the 32-year-old Maria Kang who is a fitness model and former beauty pageant contestant-oh and military wife and mother of 3. She posted a picture wearing workout attire with her children asking ‘What’s Your Excuse?’ The backlash she has received is enormous! The question is ‘why do so many women care what other women are doing’? Why are you giving so much time hating one woman when you could be loving yourself?
For women who want to or say they want to embrace each other; stop the bickering. Stop the backbiting. Stop focusing on what other women are doing. Stop comparing and blaming everyone else for your body image issues. Just stop it.
Women need to look at women for who they are. Maria Kang is a military wife, she is a mother of 3; and she is judged for what she looks like. If you feel bad about yourself after looking at models or beauty queens; then stop looking at it. If you know eating fries isn’t healthy; then stop. It’s that simple.
So long as women judge women for being too big or small; for being too pretty or ugly we will never advance. We will never be friends. We will never be in business together. We will never get past the small-mindedness of talking and gossiping about people to the level of speaking about ideas and ventures.
Ladies let’s get past what we think other women should be doing or looking like and start focusing on what we individually can and should be doing for the best change in our lives. Let’s stop the misogyny and celebrate women together. Don’t you agree?
Everyone has secrets. Just ask them. What most don’t think about is what secrets are hiding in their closets. Now of course I am talking about your wardrobe closet. Every closet reveals so much about the person and most don’t even realize it. When I help people organize closets it’s amazing the stories of life that I am told; just by looking at the contents. What does your closet reveal? Well; continue reading and find out!
1- Complacency: I see this quite often with those who work in Corporate America. The basic black slacks and white button down; the epitome of boring. Sure black made hide body image issues but really? No color and everything is the same. Typically this person is a creature of habit and doesn’t want to be bothered with thinking about what to wear as it takes too much time; or so they say. They work in a professional environment so the need for anything other than that isn’t necessary. Well; if you want to get a date or keep your husband happy; some color and a cocktail dress to show off how beautiful you are won’t hurt! Just ask your date or husband. You may be shocked at the answer. You must realize is that work isn’t your entire life; it’s just one area of your life and a proper wardrobe should be able to meet all the areas of your life.
2- Identity Crisis: This is often noticed quickly when people are attached to labels. ‘Oh that’s my Chanel’ or ‘I can’t part with those Louboutins’ or even ‘I paid a fortune for that Prada’ when in reality no one cares what you paid or that it’s a label but you. What it reveals on a larger scale is that the person’s identity is created through the labels. While there is nothing wrong with liking certain brands, labels, etc. etc.. it’s the reason behind them and having so many that is the underline issue. If you love whatever the item is- does the label matter? If the fit is amazing- does the label matter? Of course not! For someone who has a closet filled with labels what it does it takes away from the person creating a wardrobe that fits their identity all on their own without needing to be branded by a tag that no one sees.
3- Boredom and Dreaming: When I see closets filled with new items with tags on them this reveals a couple of things. The first is that the person doesn’t have enough going on that there is a need for shopping for something to do which reveals boredom and 2) the person is dreaming of a life not being lived. The other reason would be that they just learned how to shop for their lifestyle and have made a few purchases; although the tags won’t stay on for long! When people have what they need in their closets they are using what is there which means tags aren’t left attached. When a closet is filled with many items with tags there is always something going on underneath that is a big red flag. What need are the items being used to fill?
4- Letting go of the past: Trends come and go. People gain and lose weight and life changes. It just happens on a daily basis. When I see closets where women have suits with the dickies and the sweaters with the jingle bells hanging off of them it causes me to wonder why. Why are these items taking up space- and so much of it! Typically; going deeper in conversation with these clients I find that there is always a reason. People keep memories of good times in their lives. Items in a closet reveal this and sometimes more often than we like. It’s ok to move forward and keep the memory but is there really a need to keep the item and the memory? The past is in the past for a reason and all too often remembering how tiny you were, how great you looked; and how wonderful your life was is good- but why not create that for your life now while you are here in the present?
5- Fear of Expression: When I see a closet filled with the same thing and maybe in a different color it reveals that someone just bought the one item in every color which may be perceived as smart shopping; although how many of the same sweater sets does a woman need? A bit of variety never hurt anyone yet many women yet that fear holds them back. What is comfortable is what people tend to settle for when in reality; freedom of expression is much more freeing than anything!
Every woman and man has more going on in life than living in a single dimension. There are many facets to everyone’s lives and a wardrobe is a reflection of that. There isn’t ever a reason to just be boring and settle for looking basic when it’s so simple to look fabulous and even on a budget. Don’t you at least owe it to yourself to look great and feel good about it? I think so! So what is your wardrobe secret that you want to be free of? If you share with me yours I will share mine too. You go first!
Some people believe that forgiveness is sold in cycles during the holidays; however, there is nothing further from the truth than that. Unforgiveness kills and if you want to die between the holidays then hold on to it. If you want to be free any day of the year; forgive and make it a habit. You will be forever glad you did.
In watching the Real Housewives franchise there is yes much drama; but some lessons we can learn if we pay attention. Last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County yet again provides us much for discussion.
I already wrote about Tamra Barney and how not hearing the words, ‘I love you’ impacted her life so for today I want to focus on forgiveness. In listening to her speech and seeing her and her mother interact the pain of their lives is evident. The unforgiveness of what occurred is something still keeping them from growing together. Not only this; the unforgiveness that each of them hold toward themselves too is there as well. You see; forgiveness softens the heart while unforgiveness steals your joy and keeps you living as a victim and not victor. It destroys and it’s a slow death. In your life how much pain from the past are you holding on to? How free would you like to be?
In the situation between Heather and Terry we see much the same. Here is a husband groveling for forgiveness while Heather lets him continuously do so all the while at one point makes the comment to him that he needs to let it go; yet here she is still holding on to her own unforgiveness toward him. How many times does someone have to apologize before you truly let it go? Wasn’t it Peter who asked Jesus how many times do we need to forgive and it was well beyond the ‘7’ times he thought!
In both situations unforgiveness is something holding them back. How much of your unforgiveness is holding you back? Isn’t it time to let it go?
It will change your life when you make the choice to do so. From personal experience; I forgave my biological mother for the decisions she made that impact my life and guess what? My life changed! Not only this; my eye color and my voice changed too . We now have a great relationship that never could have been so long as I harbored that unforgiveness.
You see; unforgiveness doesn’t play alone. Don’t be fooled. Unforgiveness brings the entire family with it. Resentment, bitterness, anger, fear of abandonment, rejection, ego, overly opinionated, vanity; victim mentality and many many more relatives to anyone unsuspecting of its wicked ways. It brings a slow death.
I encourage you today to be brave. I encourage you to look deep in the mirror and get beyond yourself and truly forgive those who have hurt you. Will it hurt? Probably; but it will hurt you more in the long run if you don’t. Does it matter what the other person or people did that hurt you? No more or less than what you have done to others. It has nothing to do with them anyway. Forgiving is about you and your life; and internal freedom. It’s time now to let it go and become the you that you were created to be. Don’t let another minute of your life be taken. Trust me; I lost more than 2 decades. It simply is not worth it. Give the best give to yourself today and forgive.