3 Steps to Forgiving a Cheater
One of those most painful experiences in life outside of the death of a loved one; is learning of infidelity of a spouse. It’s heartbreak at it’s deepest form. The lies, the deception; the other person. Forgiving someone who is that selfish is hard to grasp. Forgiving someone who cheats is a challenge for many and with reason. Forgiving someone who thinks nothing of the marriage or even you is mind boggling to say the least. Forgiving a cheating spouse who makes the choice to destroy a marriage, a family or two; and futures is probably the hardest to understand. If you have been there then you know.
The great news is that you can forgive. Is it challenging? Absolutely! The process of forgiveness is one that takes people on a journey of the pain and grief of the loss, the anger that settles in, the resentment and unforgiveness that spill over into what once was. If you open your heart it will be transformed and your future will be waiting for you; as it always is.
See; there are times in life when we all think that life will go a certain way but what I’ve learned is that life is what happens when you make plans. I didn’t plan to be cheated on. I didn’t plan to lose a child. I didn’t plan for my life to be filled with what it’s been filled with. But- I did purposely intend for it to be filled with forgiveness. My prayerful hope is that regardless of what that cheating spouse did or does; that your heart too is filled with forgiveness. Why?
1) Forgiving a cheating spouse isn’t about him/her. People do what they do regardless your forgiveness is about you for you. People are people and well; hurt one another. We all have hurt others and have been hurt. It’s what we do with the hurt that changes lives for the better. If you want your life to be changed recognize that your forgiveness isn’t about the other person. It’s about you and the choice to forgive.
2) Forgiving a cheating spouse is about your freedom. Harboring unforgiveness steals. It steals your joy, your life; and your future. It keeps you trapped to what once was. I remember feeling resentful about the fact that I was the victim and he moved on with someone else and had a beautiful family; after he destroyed ours. And here I was- alone. It took me years to realize that my unforgiveness was was trapping me. It stunted my growth and the the walls of my life kept me dying in silence instead of being free in forgiveness. Once I made the choice to forgive everything in my life changed. Peace was restored. Joy overcame me. My life changed in abundance! And dear reader; I am no different than you. Forgiveness and your freedom is waiting. Don’t let the mistakes of others keep you in bondage. Model Liberty Ross experienced forgiveness after her husband Rupert Sanders had an affair with Twilight actress Kristen Stewart. She said, ‘“People need to learn to forgive.” she explained. “I have no problem with anyone involved. I’m completely compassionate. I really am. No life is perfect, we all have our problems and issues and I believe that it’s good to be true to who you are.”
3) Forgiving a cheating spouse is about living toward your future. You have a future waiting for you. You have a life with wonderful experiences that are waiting. There are people that need you. There are lives for you to bless and be blessed by. If you are reading this now; you are alive. If you are alive you have something to look forward to. When you make the choice to forgive a cheating spouse your future will open. Your heart can move toward freedom and peace in new ways. Your future can open more opportunities for receive and give love; to grow with others; and to let your forgiveness light shine.
For many experiencing forgiveness toward a cheating spouse it takes time without a doubt. Like anything in life; it’s a process. It’s about healing, restoration; and freedom. It’s about a heart issue and recognizing that while people aren’t perfect there is hope and a future for us all. It is about taking one step at a time toward what is waiting for you and that is your future. And my dear friend you are worth it.
Spiritual abuse is something that people don’t talk about; especially in church. Forgiveness of spiritual abuse is what needs to be openly discussed because people need freedom in Christ. Church unfortunately does not equate to freedom for many.
It is amazing how many people leave the church because they have suffered spiritual abuse. It’s even worse to learn how many of those people want nothing to do with Jesus because of the spiritual abuse of the so called Christian leaders that they trusted their spiritual journey to. It’s hard to separate the two; although it should make people be glad to learn that even Jesus wasn’t thrilled with the religious folks of His day. Spiritual abuse is no laughing matter and if you have ever experienced it or know someone who has or is currently; these words are for you.
First and foremost there is freedom after spiritual abuse. If you have suffered spiritual abuse do not allow it or the abuser to have control over your future. Forgive. There is a call on your life and you matter. There is something in your future that no one can take away. To get free and live your God given life I begin with:
1. Forgive the abuser. It truly is a test of your strength and probably one of the hardest things to forgive someone for. The person that you trusted as a confident, spiritual mentor or adviser; or whatever you want to call took advantage of what you gave. It’s a hard thing to work through for anyone when the reality of what has been done to you sets in. This is why forgiveness is needed because otherwise your future and your life will suffer the consequences in ways you can’t deem possible.
Forgiveness will free you in any situation and unforgiveness will kill you as well; so working through forgiveness first will help you see that you have a future and that your past has not been wasted. It simply hasn’t. While you may have a harder time getting back what was stolen; the great news is that there is redemption in Christ. God is the redeemer of all things and through Him what has been stolen shall be returned to you. Just keep walking toward your future.
What you must understand is through forgiveness of the abuser you will be able to see that most people don’t know what they are doing. They just don’t. You probably didn’t know what you were doing when you got yourself into the situation of being abused in the first place! Remember forgiveness is not about the abuser; but rather you and your own journey. Those who are spiritual abusers for the most part are just doing what they know and or what they have been taught. Does that make it any easier? Of course not! You still lost your identity, the years of your life all the things that it probably should have been filled with; and much more that you don’t yet know.
When really looking at the abuser through the eyes of forgiveness; you will be able to see that that person too has lost much. What that person has lost may not be any concern of yours; but it doesn’t change the fact that most people who abuse were abused and your forgiveness toward that person may put you in the perfect position to not only free yourself but that person and all those who would come after to you that would otherwise be spiritually abused. It’s a journey of healing, reconciliation and forward progress toward the real life waiting for you.
Regardless of what has been done to you by whom; the first step is forgiving the spiritual abuser so that you can take the next step forward. You don’t want to miss more of your future by not starting there.
What’s next? Forgiveness in Spiritual Abuse: Forgiving Yourself
Single people are funny. They just are. Married people are too but not in the way single people are. Single people want to be married yet in order to even get to the status of dating someone that person must meet their criteria list of 1,000 items that simply are not attainable. Oh- you have too many stubbles on your face- can’t do that. Nope. It’s not like he couldn’t just shave right ladies?
If you are single and want to date and then marry someone are you living with too many expectations of that person you don’t even know? Have you placed so many perimeters on the person that regardless of what changes may occur in that person you have just disregarded him or her? I can tell you from experience- stop. Just stop now. Forgive yourself for thinking that someone else is going to be just like you and that you are so much better than all the others because quite frankly; everyone who is single is really in the same boat. So what makes you so high and mighty that you can demand and command all the things from someone that really don’t even exist or matter in the first place? Don’t you want someone who will love you for who you are- then why would you not get yourself in position to do the same? You can’t be the ‘I want you to love me just the way I am; muffin top and all- but honey before I love you I need to see more hair and a six-pack’ and expect that will garner you anything of quality.
See; if you want to date someone just like you go date yourself. Period. You will have a ball and no one to argue with or blame. What a perfect life of bliss you will enjoy all by yourself. Have fun in the nursing home!
On the other hand; if you actually want to branch out and meet and date that wonderful person open your mind. Open your heart. Recognize that while that person isn’t 6’1″ that 6’0″ is ok; especially if either height is still taller than you are. Open your mind to see that while someone may not be where ‘you’ think he or she should be; perhaps that person was just waiting for you to go on that journey there with you. Open your mind that relationships are a journey and when you don’t see that you miss what it’s about.
Forgive yourself for being so closed minded because folks; the last thing you would want to do is spend your life judging everyone for not being what you think when in reality; all those people you judged found someone wonderful and left you standing alone. Judge that.
The past is gone. It’s passed. Whether it’s five minutes ago, five days ago, five weeks or months or years ago; the past is gone. You can either be thankful or remorseful; but whatever you are about it does not change the fact that it is gone. It is time to forgive it or yourself for continuing to allow it to become your present and the future you live.
You see; we all have a past. There are many things about the past that change our lives and the changes that we allow those things to make is up to each of us. What are you doing with your past? What seriously are you doing with it? It requires an introspective look because forgiveness of it is required for freedom in future. The last thing you want to ever do is allow something from times ago to become what you see and live now.
If you are still looking at your life through the rear view mirror ask yourself why. What is it about your past that you think will bring you what you are truly seeking? What can it possibly bring? It can’t bring back that skinny figure. Nope. It can’t bring back the popularity you once had. It can’t bring back those who have passed on. It can’t bring back what once was. It just can’t.
What the past can bring if you let it is unforgiveness, bitterness, bad memories, judgment, shame, guilt, sadness, fear of success and failure; and a life you don’t want. If you don’t lay it down it will become and so will you; something that you don’t want to ever become. It will consume you if you are not walking toward your future free of the disease of unforgiveness.
How do I know? Personal experience. I was the kid who looked like a boy until 10th grade. I was the kid with the weight problem; I couldn’t gain it. I was the kid beat up by my adoptive parents and then was then bullied in school. I was the homeless kid at age 15 who was called a band fag because I played clarinet. I was the smart geeky kid who wasn’t popular. I was the hurt one who only knew how to carry that and that my friends; is what I did. And that is how I know the consequences.
I’ve learned many more lessons that I care to admit and I share them with you so that you can get around the mountain in less than 40 years. If I can help you at any moment live in freedom of forgiveness my days work is finished. How am I doing? Are you there yet? Just know that forgiveness is there. It’s for you. Your future is waiting. Forgive the past and run; don’t walk to the glorious future waiting to hug you!
Forgive our youth for what they do not know.
Forgive them for what think they not so.
Forgive them for their wandering ways.
Forgive for not working the days.
Forgive them for the entitlements they think
Forgive them living on the brink.
Forgive them for not wanting to work
Forgive them for expecting the perk
Forgive them for now knowing what they should
Forgive them for not doing more than they could.
Forgive them for growing up this way
Forgive yourself and celebrate the youth today.
I would like to know who created normal in society. What makes one person more normal than another? What’s the normal scale? Are you normal if you drive a BMW and like football? Or are you just normal because you are a uniquely created individual and because all of us are different we are all normal? If you have rejected yourself for not being what you thought you should be; forgive yourself. I went through it too.
You see; there is nothing normal about me. I had to get to a place of recognizing this and accepting it. Those that know me best know this. I lived in a foster home, adoptive home, numerous other homes and even a homeless shelter by age 15. That is not normal. I looked like a boy until 9th grade. I was asked out by girls who thought I was a boy. Not normal.
I’ve had dinner with the Detroit Red Wings and sat in owners box seats at the Stanley Cup finals even though I am not even a Red Wings fan. My former client list of professional athletes is not normal. I find that west coast swing dancing and scuba diving are two of the easiest things I have done. And that; apparently is not normal.
My normal is low maintenance but most don’t believe that. I wear skirts because I can’t find shorts that fit. I wear heels because flats hurt my feet. I really do only wash my hair every four day because I can’t be bothered to do it daily. It looks best on day 4. My norm is put together style in less than 30 minutes with bargain clothes as I don’t spend full price on anything. Why would I? I am not the norm. And you probably are not either so forgive yourself for trying to be.
I was beat up by my parents and bullied in high school. I learned how to fight and how to break noses in one simple move. That too is probably not normal. I was called a band fag for playing clarinet in marching band. I raced motorcycles and shot rifles as a kid. I dated the honor society and chess team boys in high school. That was not normal.
I’ve been given cars as gifts. That’s not normal. I’ve had more sets of parents and have suffered more loss than most ever will in their entire lives and that is not normal.
I even host a television show and there is nothing normal about that. I will drive a mile out of the way for a Pepsi because I don’t like Coke. I will not eat before I spend money on bad food and I actually love playing the game spoons. I love having people over to cook mass quantities of pasta with fresh ingredients from scratch. That’s not normal so I’ve been told.
My norm is my norm. I had to forgive society for trying to mold me into something I wasn’t. I had to forgive the church for trying to mold me into looking like what a Christian is supposed to look like. You know; quiet while wearing flats. I had to forgive myself for trying to be normal in a society that isn’t even normal itself. I had to forgive myself for not just celebrating me in the image I was created in. And if you haven’t yet done so; do it. You will find that you are more normal than anyone would ever honestly share with you.
Forgiveness is like nothing else in the world. It gives and spreads like love in paradise. It’s like the high when you have that twinkle in your eye about someone you met and like; and can’t wait to see again. It’s the beauty in life that continues the more you give it. It’s one of those things that until you truly grasp it, hold it, experience and live it- you can’t possibly understand.
I didn’t get it. I didn’t get that high or love until I learned forgiveness. I had no twinkle in my eye but rather a plank, along with many other things that kept me impoverished. It wasn’t until I learned how to forgive that my life was changed and I was free. Forgiveness is many things and in my first episode of ‘Living in Forgiveness’ I talked about what forgiveness is. Today; I share with you the how it gives you power in the easiest of ways.
1- Forgiveness opens your heart. With an open heart you can accomplish anything! The wounds of the past are no longer in control. You are free indeed.
2- Forgiveness opens your eyes. You will be able to see that people are people and they do what they know. What they don’t know is what can hurt the most. What you don’t know can hurt you too. I didn’t know the truth about my biological mother being told by our case worker that if she didn’t sell me to him for 10k he would make sure she never saw me again. Once I learned that; my eyes were opened. I saw for the truth and it’s the truth that makes us free.
3- Forgiveness puts you in the drivers seat. When you forgive you are disallowing any person and his or her burden to have any impact upon you. You have power unlike any other when you make the choice to forgive.
4- Forgiveness gives you peace. It’s a sickening thought when you realize the person who hurt you is living his or her life in joy all the while you are suffering. There is no peace in suffering; only silent turmoil. When you forgive you have peace. Inner peace. Peace to live and peace to be free. There is power in peace that comes from forgiveness.
5- Forgiveness gives you power to love. People who forgive also know how to love. For love is about forgiveness and forgiveness is about love. Love knows and records no wrongs. When you forgive you wash away the wrongs of others as Jesus has done for you.
There is nothing like peace and joy overflowing through the act of forgiveness. It brightens the day like the birds chirping in the trees to a love song. It’s a dance of love displayed between two people destined to be together who have barely just met. It’s a picture of beauty that we all want to capture and live. It’s in the power of a picture perfect moment waiting for you to create. Go now and forgive and live in the power of your act of forgiveness.
Issues are part of life. If you are alive you have issues. None are immune. In relationships; there are issues within the relationship itself along with issues that each person brings to the relationship. When the relationship ends many people are left broken. I remember a terrible relationship of mine ending and I told my friends I was left with heartache and his debt. I was also left with his baggage that I named unforgiveness.
Dealing with the end of a relationship is traumatic. Starting a new life without that person and even a new person can cause fear too. Where do you begin? How do you not make the same mistakes to end up where you are now- alone?
Forgive. The exes will always bring something and leave something as we all play a role in our relationships. It’s what you receive, give and accept that will have all the impact. I learned the hard way.
Should you allow the baggage from others become yours you will start living a life that is not what was truly intended for you. Do you want to become that person who brings your exes baggage to the next relationship? Of course not! You would only be making the same mistake while expecting a different outcome. Forgiving those that hurt you will set you free. Forgiving yourself for the role that you played in that too will free you. There is nothing that will help you lose weight quicker than forgiveness.
It took me decades to learn this lesson. See; unforgiveness keeps you being the victim. It keeps you looking at your past. It keeps you from seeing the good in other people. It keeps you from having joy, peace and anything worthwhile. Not everyone woman is a gold digger and not every man is a jerk who just uses women for sex. It just happens to be those that you have chosen to be in a relationship with that are. When you forgive; none of that will have any control over you. You, my friend, will be free.
When you are free from the wounds of others you will be transformed. The new people that come into your life will be more of a blessing that you could ever imagine. No longer will you live in comparisons of the past. No longer will you need to hold on to something that is killing you. No longer will your life be as it was. For you are a new creation seeking a new life with new abundance. And in the end; isn’t that what you have always wanted? It’s your time to get it!
It’s a challenging question that perhaps you can’t answer if asked so on this day I am asking. Who could you forgive?Could you forgive a spouse for cheating on you? I know many that would say ‘he.. no’! I am not forgiving someone who does that to me! I know some that may say no way until it happens and they realize yes they can. Could you forgive someone for stealing clients or even shares of your business? What about those who bully your children? Not challenging enough? How about this: could you forgive yourself? Forgive yourself for what you ask? It doesn’t matter. Could you forgive yourself for whatever you have done?
It’s time to think about the level of strength that you have in order to forgive. Why? Because forgiveness is not about anyone else but you. There will always be people who wrong us. Parents mess kids up and those kids then in turn mess their kids up. It’s a cycle and it appears none are immune. Many people turn into their parents and just for that reason alone; the lesson of forgiveness needs to be learned.
I was abandoned by my biological mother and for many years I hated her; along with most people. Even when I met my biological mother I remember her looking at my up and down and then walking away to go finish her phone call. My level of contempt for her just grew in that instant. And my life was a reflection of it. I blamed others for the mistakes they made all the while I continued the cycle.I had to learn forgiveness.
Years later I learned what forgiveness is and the process of being healed through it. Who could I forgive? Anyone for anything. You may truly question that but here is the thing: when you make forgiveness your lifestyle you are able to see the bigger picture. You are healed. You my friend are free. And that means no longer are you bound by the sins of others. Now please don’t think it would be easy; but rather doable.
How strong are you? My best guess is that you are stronger than you think and that strength is just a matter of choice.You see; the strong forgive and live as victors while the weak try to survive while living a victims. Ask yourself only who could I forgive but also ‘how strong do I want to be?’
Lies are something of a fascination to me. It’s amazing how easily deceived people are by them; without even knowing it. They sweep in our lives and kill with such stealth moves leaving most of us paralyzed for life.
The other day I listened to an interview with singer songwriter Toni Braxton. She spoke much about her personal life; including the abortion she regretted.
Toni spoke about her family and the tough financial trials and the bankruptcy she went through. It was during that time that she got pregnant and couldn’t see herself raising a child when she was in the midst of financial fall. She talked about how much she regretted having an abortion and how selfish she now sees her choice.
What captured me was 1) she knew it was selfish, 2) her regret. Those two things speak volumes without a doubt. She continued that she later become pregnant and her child was born with autism. She believed the autism was punishment from God and that yes; she deserved it.
The entire story broke my heart! You see; there is forgiveness. There is freedom for abortion. Jesus died on the cross so that we could be forgiven our sins. And forgiveness knows no bounds. If you are like Toni; there is forgiveness for you. There is forgiveness for your selfish ways. All you have to do is ask. Do not be deceived into thinking that your choice to have an abortion isn’t forgivable. That my dear friend; is a lie.
I encourage you today to seek forgiveness because it will change your life. It will set you free. It will remove the chains of bondage. Let it all go! Let go of the shame, guilt, condemnation, self-loathing, regret; and all of rest of the cousins attached. There is no need to continue like Toni and live in shame as she said for the sins that she committed. There just isn’t. It’s a trap! Yes we all make mistakes there is no doubt although this sin is just as forgivable as all of the rest of them.
There is a future for your life regardless of whether or not you believe it just yet. There is hope too. You don’t have to live without it. You don’t have to continue to suffer in silence. You are valued. You are loved. You are forgiven. It’s just up to you to get it.