Choosing Not to Chase
In a flip flipped world it’s hard to know what to do. The feminist movement really messed things up for both ladies and gents. How you ask? Well; the role reversal keeps everyone confused.
It used to be that a man asked a woman out. He made the plans and picked her up to take her on the date. He greeted her at the door with flowers, opened the car door; and paid for the date. He was a gentleman. He may or may not go in for the kiss at the end of the night; but that was left to anticipation. Now; that isn’t what occurs.
Instead; we are left with women making the charge and doing it all. Hail to the women out there! Who needs to wait for a man to ask her out? What woman has the time? ‘Ain’t nobody got time for that’! Why let a man open the car door? Can’t he see how large her biceps and triceps are? Can’t he just sit there and let her show off her billfold and pay too? I am woman- hear me roar!
It’s an interesting thing really because if men treated women like the men they behave like we would have a revolution! Most women certainly would not like it and the level of harassment cases would skyrocket. Not only this; most men don’t want to date men. Sure there are those that do but you get where I am going with this.
So this leads me to ask: what is up with the chase? What is up with men enjoying being men and women being men?
I used to think that feminism was the issue; however, it’s much much deeper than this. I will share more once I am finished with my research; it’s taking a while.
Today; it’s the question of the chase. Why ladies; not let the man chase? Why not enjoy it? It seems that with the women doing all the chasing that men are left with nothing to do. Women text, call, make the plans, put out on the first or third date- and then complain he won’t commit. Commit to what? A smothering woman who doesn’t understand him? Can you imagine all the deer and elk just walking up to the hunters and bowing their heads to them to be shot with that oh so beautiful .35 Whelen bolt action? Of course not right? They run so they can get caught! Men go out and do what they do- hunt! Ladies it’s time for you to get caught. How about that?
If you meet that wonderful man who says he will call; give him a chance. Give him the chance to follow through. Give him the chance to be the man. Give him the chance to realize that you are different. Give him the chance to hunt. Give him the chance to show you that he is interested. Give him the chance to show you he is the man.
You don’t want to blow it by taking control. You don’t want to blow it by being over aggressive. You don’t want to blow it by taking away the time he needs to get in place to call you. Why overpower him to get what you want when you want it?
Is it difficult? Of course it is! There is the anticipation of knowing that just yesterday you have had an absolutely fantastic time with him. It was beyond what you ever had planned for your day. You loved how good he smelled, the twinkle in his eye; and how he studied you like a beautiful painting. You loved every minute of it. You loved how inspiring the conversation was; his boyish charm was and just how his personality shines like nothing you have ever seen before. You loved how he brushed his leg against yours at the table with a soft smile. You loved how he took your hand in his during the movie and how awesome it made you feel. All of it was just perfect.
He ended the night with a kiss that was just right. He said he would call. That was it. He said he would call.
Why not believe him? Why not just from that point on go about your life and know that you are who you are and that you are ok with it. You are a good woman with value. Remember; your identity is not made up of a man that you just met. Your identity is much more than this. Those of who you have identity in Christ relish in that. You are a child of the most high God and that is all you need.
Be patient. He will call. He will. Sometimes it may take longer than you like; but remember it isn’t always about you. Give him a chance. You will be glad you did. And if for some reason he doesn’t call; you still have your identity and know who you are. See; no matter of how good of a woman you are you will never be enough for a man who is not ready. You are still fabulous. You are the winner either way. Final thoughts ladies: don’t be a woman who needs a man; be a woman a man needs. You both will be glad you are!
We have a problem in America. Yes we already know the economy is terrible and that the media loves to twist the truth. We know that the IRS attacks on conservatives and Tea Party are a real thing; and we know that the divorce rate is on the increase. This is all true. Sad; but true. The real issue is much deeper than that. It’s what is beneath that is the real issue.
The heart of people is the true crisis here. Sure hurt people hurt people but what’s more concerning is that it’s not a concern. People lie and thinking nothing of it. Not only this; they have no problems doing it right to your face! This begs the question: how did we get here? How did we come to a place where being liars and cheaters is just part of life, business and marriage? Have we no shame? Have we no respect for anyone or even ourselves? Apparently not!
If you step back and look at the times we are in the signs are there. More than ever before people are becoming more in love with themselves, boastful, cheaters; liars and greedy. What’s it for? More self gain at the cost of others? One is a lonely number my friend.
While it may be the norm in the ways of the world doesn’t mean anything more than this. It doesn’t mean that you have to behave in such a manner. What other people choose to do should have no impact on you yet for some this has changed. It’s more of the ‘steal, lie and cheat you before you can do it to me’ mentality and it’s just wrong.
If you think nothing of the people of whom you commit to, do business with; or want to date or marry because you are more interested in yourself then should it be any wonder if it doesn’t go the way you want? If you live a life of no integrity because you are too busy promoting yourself than respecting others perhaps your heart needs an enema.
Just a week ago someone lied straight to my face and it I knew from the moment the words were spoken that everything was a lie. I almost interrupted to save the person from lying to me but thought otherwise. Today; my thoughts were confirmed. While yes it’s not cool I was lied to; the more important issue is the character of this person. It’s all there and revealed and I see it clearly. No longer will there be any business, relationship, engagement of conversation; or any desire for any interaction. It’s done. There is nothing left to say.
The ironic thing about the entire situation is how many people may just think, ‘let it go, no harm no foul’ and that thought process just leads to an acceptance that that is the normal behavior of people. And that- is the largest issue of all.
Until we get real with ourselves and deal with the real heart issues things won’t get better. Until we recognize that our behaviors are a reflection of our hearts we won’t get it. Until we stop to think of the impact of legacy our actions have we won’t get it. Until we stop to pay attention to what and who we have become as individuals and as a society we are headed for trouble. It’s all being evidenced in daily interactions everywhere. Don’t believe me then check out Ashley Madison who helps married people have affairs, check out the latest reports about Benghazi or the latest about A-Rod and his wrecked baseball career. It’s all issues of the heart to cheat, lie and steal. It’s the issues of the heart so I ask: where is your heart?
A few days ago I delivered a lecture about the speech making process. As part of one of the activities I conducted a brainstorming exercise on the topic of marriage. The purpose was to list as many thoughts and ideas about marriage as possible within a 5 minute period.
Writing down all the items they ranged from divorce to divorce rates, the definition of marriage, children and man cave. Some took it serious while others had a little more fun and tossed out ideas like dating even though he meant his spouse. We continued with arranged marriage, culture and where to live. Through this 5 minute time session much was explored.
Upon completion we all looked at the list. A lot of items listed and they thought they did a nice job. One would think as the white board was filled with plenty of items to move toward the next step in the speech making process. This was until someone pointed out that ‘love’ was not on the list. How could that be? True enough; I looked again at the list and nope ‘love’ did not make it.
How is it that in a discussion of ideas about marriage that love does not equate? What really does that say about where we are as a society? Of course after everyone realized this it surely had to be added but the point remained. Love was not one mentioned.
Should we be upset or surprised at the current divorce rate if when we talk about marriage love doesn’t make the cut? What then is marriage about? Just signing a piece of paper for better health insurance or saving a few bucks on rent each month?
It’s a sad day when the reality is how little love counts in what should be the most important relationship in a person’s life. It’s also sadder when someone in the lecture says that a marriages survive on money and not love. If this were true the divorce rate wouldn’t be what it is. So this begs the question: if you were delivering a speech about marriage what would your three main points be?
Some people believe that forgiveness is sold in cycles during the holidays; however, there is nothing further from the truth than that. Unforgiveness kills and if you want to die between the holidays then hold on to it. If you want to be free any day of the year; forgive and make it a habit. You will be forever glad you did.
In watching the Real Housewives franchise there is yes much drama; but some lessons we can learn if we pay attention. Last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County yet again provides us much for discussion.
I already wrote about Tamra Barney and how not hearing the words, ‘I love you’ impacted her life so for today I want to focus on forgiveness. In listening to her speech and seeing her and her mother interact the pain of their lives is evident. The unforgiveness of what occurred is something still keeping them from growing together. Not only this; the unforgiveness that each of them hold toward themselves too is there as well. You see; forgiveness softens the heart while unforgiveness steals your joy and keeps you living as a victim and not victor. It destroys and it’s a slow death. In your life how much pain from the past are you holding on to? How free would you like to be?
In the situation between Heather and Terry we see much the same. Here is a husband groveling for forgiveness while Heather lets him continuously do so all the while at one point makes the comment to him that he needs to let it go; yet here she is still holding on to her own unforgiveness toward him. How many times does someone have to apologize before you truly let it go? Wasn’t it Peter who asked Jesus how many times do we need to forgive and it was well beyond the ‘7’ times he thought!
In both situations unforgiveness is something holding them back. How much of your unforgiveness is holding you back? Isn’t it time to let it go?
It will change your life when you make the choice to do so. From personal experience; I forgave my biological mother for the decisions she made that impact my life and guess what? My life changed! Not only this; my eye color and my voice changed too . We now have a great relationship that never could have been so long as I harbored that unforgiveness.
You see; unforgiveness doesn’t play alone. Don’t be fooled. Unforgiveness brings the entire family with it. Resentment, bitterness, anger, fear of abandonment, rejection, ego, overly opinionated, vanity; victim mentality and many many more relatives to anyone unsuspecting of its wicked ways. It brings a slow death.
I encourage you today to be brave. I encourage you to look deep in the mirror and get beyond yourself and truly forgive those who have hurt you. Will it hurt? Probably; but it will hurt you more in the long run if you don’t. Does it matter what the other person or people did that hurt you? No more or less than what you have done to others. It has nothing to do with them anyway. Forgiving is about you and your life; and internal freedom. It’s time now to let it go and become the you that you were created to be. Don’t let another minute of your life be taken. Trust me; I lost more than 2 decades. It simply is not worth it. Give the best give to yourself today and forgive.
Do you know you are loved? There has never been a moment in your life when you have not been loved. I hope that you realize this; wherever you are and whatever you are doing. Never a moment in your life. Reflect on that and let it sink in.
3 simple words that carry such meaning and change lives. They have impact far reaching that we can ever predict. In tonight’s episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County Tamra Barney shared much that provided insight to her behavior and while there is much for exploration; my only purpose tonight is one. Love.
What saddened me in hearing her story was the pain of her life of course; but more-so the reality of how hearing something like ‘I love you’ can change a life. Equally; not hearing too can change a life.
Tamra didn’t hear her father tell her that he loved her until she was 21. How about you? When was the last time that you heard someone tell you that he or she loves you? If you are a parent; how often do you tell your children? Better yet; how often do you tell your husband or wife? Don’t let it be the one thing you never say that you wish you could. Life is too short to let that go without saying.
So for you, reader; regardless of your status, situation, color, gender, sexual orientation or anything else know that I love you. You are valuable. You are precious. You are important. You matter.
Now go share the great news with those in your life!
I had a conversation today with someone about relationships. It was one of those conversations where you let someone just say what they want all the while you know you disagree but what is the point of engaging? In reality; the point of the conversation as a whole is still up for question.
The one thing that struck me was hearing that marriage shouldn’t ‘t take work. The premise is that marriage should be a ‘cake walk’ because you both are on the same page and want to take care of each other. Sure that may be what people want and think but is that really reality?
Bottom line is that if you have something you want to keep don’t you have to take care of it? I’ve never heard of a Stanley Cup winning team be the winner without working at it or Michael Phelps not working at his craft. I’ve never heard from couples who have been married for 40 or more years say they didn’t have to work at it. It would make more sense that it’s maintenance and the price of keeping what you have and keep in the tact. My dentist always says to floss the ones you want to keep and I think this applies here.
What do you do to maintain your good and healthy relationships? Would you consider it work?
If you aren’t yet doing anything that’s ok; now is a great time to start!
You may have read the title and thought to yourself, ‘sure. who doesn’t want better relationships’ but that never happens. People are people and we are all just stuck with them.
While this may be a negative viewpoint; although true as well, it doesn’t mean that your relationships can’t be better. How do I know? I used to have terrible relationships. Ironically enough; I am educated in the field of communication and have taught communication courses at the collegiate level for over a decade. It just goes to show I too have had to experience those relationships that are now not.
So that’s the secret? How do we get better relationships with people who just aren’t willing to change? How do we get better relationships from those who don’t see our point of view? Those who just never seem to listen to what we have to say? Those that just don’t seem to get it?
I will tell you plainly like I was years ago. Your problem my friend is you. Yep. I said it. You are the common denominator in all of those relationships right? If you want them to be better then why not focus on what you can do about making them better? I can surely tell you that you complaining about what they are instead of what you think they should will not get you anywhere. I tried that too.
What was ‘my’ problem? Why were my relationships not going the way they should have been? Why was I not fulfilled? Why was everything so difficult? Simple. I was unforgiving. You see; unforgiveness steals your joy. It robs you of anything pleasing and sweet. It is like the cancer that spreads ever so slowly that you have no idea what is going on until the pain is so deep that you can’t handle it any more. It exudes out of your body in ways that people don’t talk about at Sunday dinner. It brings with it bitterness, resentment and anger. It is sly like that snake just waiting to wrap it’s nasty head around you; all the while you go about your business complaining that everyone else is the problem. They are not my friend.
Forgiveness blocks your ability to be of service to others because it keeps you focused on being the victim. It keeps you from receiving blessings because people quite frankly; don’t want to be around you. It destroys who you are to the deepest core. Not this; hypertension and arthritis are linked to unforgiveness according to a Harvard study in 2007.
It is through forgiveness that your relationships can be restored. You can be healed and those people in your life can be forever changed by your one choice to forgive. It may be the hardest thing you ever do; but the most rewarding. You see; none of us are any different. We all have stories. I was abandoned by my biological mother, lived in a foster home and at 16 a homeless shelter. If you think I wasn’t unforgiving you are kidding yourself! Maybe you too can relate; or maybe something else happened to you in your past. The time is now to forgive that person. Now is the time to be free. Now is the time to live your life. The forgiveness isn’t about anyone else but you. Don’t you think that you are worth it?
When I made the choice to forgive my mother and all the people who hurt me; everything in my life changed. My heart changed, my eye color changed and even my choice changed. You may think that these are great but wait- there’s more! I was reunited with my biological mother. We have a healthy relationship and were even featured guests on The Today Show.
http://www.today.com/id/26184891/vp/38040165#38040165
Take it from me first hand; forgiveness steals so much. I would love more time back and maybe even some of those broken relationships; but the good news is that I am going forward free of what sucked the life out of me. And I can do it with my mother. If I had chosen to stay unforgiving there is so much that we both would have lost out on and I can’t imagine ever going back down that path. I hope that you don’t either!
There is so much more about forgiveness than I have time for in this post but this is the first step. You have to take an introspective look at yourself and see if maybe the real issues in your relationship are caused by you and your unforgiveness. If they are- stop blaming others and start fixing yourself. You will be glad you did!