Being a parent is not easy; yet being a child is not. Any parent can attest to that while every child probably can as well. When as children we do not recognize that while parents make mistakes; they are merely doing what they know how to do. Does it make it right? Of course not! The catch is that if you don’t see this; the resentment towards what you did or didn’t get a child will eat you alive. So what do you? Forgive. Sure sounds easy right? I won’t lie- forgiving my biological mother was the hardest thing I had to do; next to honoring her because the Bible commands it.
The problem that I had was that what happened to me wasn’t my fault. I was the victim; literally. My mother told me she was going to get pizza and never came back. I was then placed in a foster home for two years and then adopted into an abusive home. My adoptive parents placed me in a homeless shelter at age 15. The events of my life were because of the choice one person. Her. And I hated her for it. I hated her for what she had done but also I hated her for what she stole from me; my childhood.
It’s not to say that my adoptive parents didn’t provide; but if you are child needing love you need love. You don’t need to be locked in a room with doors on the outside. You need love.
And so I carried that hatred and resentment for so long; decades really. Then in 2006 NYE I forgave my biological and adoptive mother. I forgave them for all the things that they did; abandonment, rejection, the abuse, the neglect and more. Every single ounce I forgave! I had to and perhaps you are in a place of needing to.
After that I sent letters to both of them claiming my victory in forgiveness! No longer would they control me from afar. My biological mother called me and said she loved me and was happy for me. I drove to Houston to take her to lunch. She gave her life to Jesus.
My adoptive mother replied telling me she didn’t realize the pain she caused me. Now; how a parent couldn’t see that is beyond most but not really relevant. She apologized for the first time in my life and whether or not she knew the impact is between her and God. The only thing I was to do was forgive.
The catch is that I thought that was it. I forgave. Move on right? Well; not exactly. Not even close.
As I started building a relationship with my biological mother I started to resent her. The more I learned from being around her the less I liked her; the more I wanted to break away from her. The more I saw her behavior patterns the more soul ties I wanted to get rid of. I wanted to be nothing like her and wanted nothing from her. I resented her because now I was placed in taking care of her when I was the child. I was the victim all over again and I resented that too.
I resented the fact that of all the people in the world ‘she’ was my mother. I resented the fact that she hasn’t drive a car since 1972. I resented the fact that I had to buy her clothes, pay her cell phone bill, but her groceries; and essentially take care of all of her needs outside of her rent. And I resented it. I resented the fact that when she called me she would ask more about my dog than me. I resented the fact that when I asked questions about my biological father she would change the subject. In other words; pretty much everything about her I resented. Perhaps you look at your parents and you feel the same way. Nothing they do is to the level of what they should have done. Nothing from them is what you needed or need and so you resent them. And you can justify it. The catch is that you justifying your resentment doesn’t make you right; it will only make you bitter. And by the way; everyone loves my mom which made me resent her even more! Go figure!
As I went deeper in prayer and study of forgiveness and all of its symptoms; which by the way my count is at 37, I learned that resentment while of course attached to forgiveness yet separate is something that when understood through forgiveness will change you. What I started doing was actually walking in forgiveness. The things my mother did and still does are part of her. The things about her that I didn’t like where part of me.
Once I truly started walking in forgiveness my heart changed. You see; forgiveness yes is an event or act, but it is also a process. Each process toward each act of forgiveness is a process within. That revelation changed me. I just kept forgiving. The more I focused on truly understanding forgiveness and kept doing it; the rest started changing too. I started seeing the beauty in my mother. I started seeing for the first time why people like her and why they like her so much. The whole thing was ‘my’ issue! It was my issue that really had nothing to do with her; but my heart and issue with God.
Parents are parents and children are children. When I learned and understood that my mother was too a victim and she was just doing what she learned from her parents who did the same; it sank in. And who was I to judge her? That judgment would stick with me and not her and who really has time for that?
The resentment is gone and forgiveness reigns between us. My mother is brilliant! She is in the second round of testing to be on Jeopardy and my prayer is that she would be blessed to appear on that program since it is her favorite. My other prayer is that on this day you would forgive your parents for the things you didn’t get that you wanted, and the things you did get that you didn’t want. I pray in the name of Jesus that you allow forgiveness to fill your heart and that you continue to forgive and that you remove the resentment and even all the bitterness so that you can love and honor your parents as the Bible commands. Your days will be lengthened for your obedience. Don’t die before your time because of disobedience. You have too much to do!
The best news is that not only is there forgiveness and love instead of resentment and hate; but a new relationship with more lives changed. You see you have the power to choose how you influence others. I learned that the changes in my life would be changes in my mom’s life would be changes in other’s lives. And that weighs so much more in the big scheme of things.
The lives changed are on the increase without a doubt. My biological mother, Mary, now guest hosts the first Saturday of the month with me on ‘Living in Forgiveness’ where we talk about family issues and help others get rid of the internal clutter; unforgiveness and resentment being the first to do!
So where ever you are or whatever you are doing; living in forgiveness will change your life and that of your parents more than you realize. Don’t late the day or time slip by without making the choice to simply forgive.
For more about forgiveness watch “Living in Forgiveness” on Saturdays in Dallas channels 27 & 47.2. NY & NY new channel 49.1 Stream live at www.uanetwork.tvand watch previous episodes here: http://uanetwork.tv/uanon-demand/living-forgiveness-julie-blair/
Parents are people. They make mistakes and it typically isn’t until a child is grown that the ways of parents are truly revealed for what they are. Forgiving parents when they don’t necessarily deserve it is hard. I know first hand exactly how difficult it is. Forgiveness of parents who don’t do right by their children is not an easy task. With this said; it is a requirement if one wants to live a life in freedom and obedience to Christ.
The latest situation of the impact of unforgiveness is that of bride to be Alexis who univited her parents to her wedding. The issue isn’t the uninviting someone to a wedding as I’m sure it happens on occasions more than we know. It isn’t about what occurred in the past that led up to it. It isn’t about judgment of the parents or even Alexis. No. This is much bigger than this. It is about a heart condition that kills many more than AIDS, Cancer; or any other disease combined that goes undetected or talked about. This is about unforgiveness that lays its foundation in a child that never leaves until dealt with. And this is where many adult children are today; living in and with the disease of unforgiveness.
How do I know? I was much like Alexis who suffered physical abuse and ran away several times as a youth. I suffered things as a child that no child should. I was abandoned by my biological mother left to a foster home; and my adoptive parents put me in a homeless shelter before I could drive. I know the pain of what parents can do to a child and I know the results of living with unforgiveness. I too know the outcome of living in forgiveness.
You see; we all have a choice. I held much anger toward the actions of my adoptive parents. I held them accountable in my adult years for the love that I so wanted as a child but never received. I carried it all with me along with the impact. I did it until I forgave. And that was decades later.
When I forgave my adoptive parents I learned something that most children never seem to learn. Parents are people. They make mistakes. They can only do what they know how to do. This does not mean it’s correct nor does it even mean that it is what the child even needs. But it is what they do. I learned this ‘after’ I forgave.
Many in the blogosphere are calling Alexis a hero among other accolades. Whatever you deem her is your business but what she is most is a child of parents who made mistakes. When we harbor bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness toward our parents for those mistakes; we are the ones who miss out on living our real futures. Our actions simply reveal it.
If you have been ever been hurt by your parents you are not alone. If you parents are narcissistic; don’t think they are the only ones. If your parents abused you physically, emotionally or sexually; you my dear friend are not alone. It happens much more than any of us realize but get this: until your heart changes nothing changes.
Forgiveness will change your life. Your future is not about what your parents did to you; unless you want to continue to live that lifestyle. Take it from me you don’t. It sucks the life out of you. Building a future on hate from what others have done is no way to build a life, a future; or marriage with future children involved.
On this day; forgive. Forgive your parents for not being what you expected them to be. Forgive your parents for the rejection, abandonment, neglect, badgering, bullying; hurting you physically, emotionally and sexually and all the other things that they did to you. Simply forgive them. It doesn’t matter if they knew what they were doing as it’s not about them. Not anymore; that is unless you wish to live as an unforgiver. It is about you and your future.
When you forgive you will live in a different way. When I forgave my adoptive mother it was the first time I ever heard an apology. She wrote that she never knew the impact of the pain she caused me. Many may question how one cannot think physical abuse hurts but that is irrelevant. She apologized and my only requirement was to forgive her. The rest is between her and God. That is it. And through that I see that parents are just parents. And they; like you I-need forgiveness.
When it comes to forgiveness and history; school textbooks have it wrong. Gone are the stories of valor and real history. Even in some texts the Holocaust has been removed because it’s considered offense and in it’s place are the likes of Miley Cyrus and Beyonce in institutions such as Rutgers. In such a time and place of this; we need to be reminded of heroes and not antics of those who enjoy the debauchery of their day all for self glorification. And today is the day for sharing forgiveness, history; and a hero not much talked about in today’s time. Wherever you are in the world you have your own hero. I’m sure those of you in Israel you won’t soon forget Har-Zion.
The story of Father Kapuan is one that every American should know. Emil Kapaun-priest, soldier and Korean War hero and one who exudes it. He was awarded the Medal of Honor, the nation’s highest military award, and is considered by the Vatican for canonization as a saint. President Obama also recognized him for his service in 2013. (https://www.youtube.com/embed/AZuPrQBSDCs) Now one does not need a Pope or president to declare one as a servant of the Lord; although the man made recognition is not one that most receive or experience. It is wonderful that such accolades are bestowed upon someone who actually did something useful and for the advancement of his fellow man; and not just his own pocketbook at the cost of the consumer. We need to look at the character of such men and women today who stand up to be hero’s and not forget that being a real hero comes sacrifice. Father Kapaun time and time again sacrificed much; but for the gain much larger than even he may have recognized. The level of love and forgiveness in his heart is the purest example.
In reflection of the actions of this man he displayed love. He displayed courage. He displayed strength above all. In his sound mind he stood up to the enemy without fear. Psalm 118: 6 best references him: ‘The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?’
It is not possible to walk in love while being unforgiving. Father Kapaun understood this. He did all he did walking in love and forgiveness. He saved lives. He lived his life walking as a soldier of war but also a soldier for God. What a man to be able to have lived doing both all the while leaving none behind; regardless of where or who they were.
So it is cause for question: Where are you today? What are you walking in? What choices are you making to better not only your life but of those around you? When you recognize what is in your heart you will see the power you have; to infect or impact.
Forgiveness and unforgiveness alike a revealed in every single one of us. There is no way to deny this. This man, this hero; Father Kapuan is a reflection of forgiveness and love. His life and story reveal it. What is yours? Is it what you want it to be? If not then make the change and make it so. Start with forgiveness so you can love- and then love some more. Be the hero that you were created to be!
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You have a future. Your future through forgiveness will be much different than what you ever could image at this very moment. How do I know? I am living it! I never thought that my life at this very moment through forgiveness would be what it is. Praise God! And I share this with you so that you too can live a real life that isn’t filled with the things of the past.
I was one who knew there was a call on my life; like most people. I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t know how to get to it; and I didn’t know what I didn’t know. And what I didn’t know what the one thing that had the most significant impact on my life. Forgiveness.
Forgiveness changes life. ‘Sure sure’ you may think but until you go through the full experience of forgiving you can’t quite know. Until you grasp the depth of what it is and how life changing it is you can’t know. It is no different than seeing pictures of the Eiffel Tower compared to being at the top of it or getting married in it. You can’t fully know something until you experience it.
What I have learned through forgiveness is this:
1- You are a new creation in Christ. You are never the same person. You can’t be because it is Him working in and through you and when we surrender to allowing that; we are never the same.
2- Your physical manifestations of unforgiveness are gone. When I sat in my room for 2 days dealing with ‘all’ of my unforgiveness my life changed. I knew that. What I didn’t know what that my voice changed and my eye color changed too. See; the pain and emotional turmoil we go through takes it toll. It manifests and when there is a release; the release is more than we can imagine at that current time or moment. It was huge for me!
3- Your future will come forward. When you make the choice to forgive your future; your real future can be revealed. Before I made the choice to forgive and before I understood ‘all’ of what it is and how it is life changing; I didn’t know. I didn’t know the magnitude of what good would come before me and to me. There is no way to know. When there is forgiveness in the way it blocks you from living out the fullness of what is intended for you.
I thought in the past I was living what I thought was a good life; until I started understanding what my life really was and what it was to be. Through forgiveness I was healed and could see what was really set aside for me. I could move toward life in freedom and toward purpose. Forgiveness paves the way . And it will for you too. Your life won’t be the same because you won’t be the same. Your future will be forever changed as mine was. And that is the best thing in the world.
Forgiveness is a process. It is a journey and no two journeys, people or situations are alike. As such the process of forgiveness is as unique as the person in the situation forgiving and being forgiven. Where most people fall off track is the recognition that forgiveness is a process. It takes time and persistence; not just lip service. Anyone can say they forgive yet still exhibit the more than 30 symptoms that are evident in unforgiveness. Forgiveness goes deep and when you are willing to go deeper than you ever have before; you will gain and live that victorious life you were created to live.
To understand the depth of forgiveness requires recognition of forgiveness and the need for it in the first place. Forgiveness is an act; something that one does. It is not passive. It is not something that just happens because you thought about it once back in Vietnam. It is active and depending upon the act needing forgiveness; it can take longer than one realizes.
In my life I thought I forgave. I told myself I did; for more than 3 decades. It wasn’t until those with the gift of discernment that spoke truth to me and I realized the truth. I deceived myself. I had not forgiven. In fact I didn’t even know what forgiveness was! It was time for me to get real and deal with myself; my unforgiveness. It was a process and more on that but rest assured it was a process. It will be for you too but moving through the process is part of the victory. Starting somewhere to accept that it is something you need to do is the first step.
Accept that forgiveness is a process. It is your journey to internal peace and freedom. It begins with you making the choice to not allow what someone has done to you to rule your life. It is perhaps crying about the pain and allowing the release to come. It is maybe even getting mad or even angry about what happened. It is what it is but rest assured forgiveness is a process. Let it be yours today.
The past is over yet people for some reason enjoy living there. Forgiving the past is hard. It’s hard to let go of how great you were, how popular you were; or even how tiny you were or muscly you were. It’s hard to forgive it. It’s hard to look forward though when you haven’t forgiven your past. It has brought you to where you are today so be thankful for what it is. It’s over.
When you make the choice to let go of the past you will live in freedom. Three main reasons to forgive the past are simple:
1- It served its purpose. The past came and went; like that Gucci handbag that you once thought was cool. It too served its purpose. The past is no longer and so forgive it for being perhaps not the best. Forgive and say ‘thank you’ and move on. You are better off moving toward your future without your past! At least I know I am!
2- It isn’t where you are going. Unless you are going backward then your past is not where you are going. You are moving forward and your past is not. This is unless you continue to live in. Many people choose to live on Last Year or Last Decade Lane by why? You will never see where you are going if you spend more time looking back. One only need to be reminded of Lot’s wife who turned to look back. You don’t want to be a pillar of salt now do you? Then don’t look back to what isn’t part of your future. It’s not worth it!
3- It will keep you in bondage. Bondage and baggage are two twins to get rid of; and quickly! Your past has come and gone and you trying to hold on to it will only keep you living it- repeatedly. When you make the choice to get rid of it and to be free and forgive it you will truly be moving on toward the greatness that is within you- especially if you are a Believer that greatest is in you!
Holding on to your past hinders your future. Until you forgive your past and let it die and then die to self; your life won’t be what you truly want it to be. It can’t. You are in your own way. And you my dear friend are worth more. Your future is worth more than your past. You are worth more at this very moment; more than you realize. So let it go. Forgive. Let it die. And then say welcome to your future you fabulous you!
The new year brings many resolutions. Lose weight, be nice; clean out the clutter and the list goes on. The one resolution that should be part of your new lifestyle of the new year is simply this: forgive. Make a life of forgiveness your new years resolution. It’s that simple. Just do it!
Why? If you want healing then forgive. Healing comes through forgiveness. Restoration can come through forgiveness. Weight loss is spiritual terms comes through forgiveness. Broken hearts too are healed through forgiveness. In my case; my eye color changed through forgiveness. Blessings come through forgiveness.
If you are living in lack currently there is a reason and it isn’t because everyone else isn’t nice or giving to you. There is a reason. It may very well be that you are living in unforgiveness. Make today the day and this moment the moment that you seek Him to know the truth; ‘ is there any unforgiveness in my heart Lord?’ And then don’t forget about bitterness, resentment and anger as those also cause havoc on the life of a believer.
Regardless of what someone else has done to you; you are stronger forgiving than you are unforgiving. Don’t let the mistakes of other keep you living last year. Start the new year fresh and forgiving! It will change your life and what better way to start the first day than that!
When talking about forgiveness most people simply think ‘just forgive’; just do it. But is it really that simple? Sure it’s simple to just say some words. People do it all the time. What isn’t so easy is getting the heart and mind in alignment; and then add in the spirit and soul and you can see the complication. The prerequisite for forgiveness then must take another route if the fullness of it is the end goal. So what it is?
What is this prerequisite for forgiveness? Is it conflict resolution? Some say ‘yes’. Is it just letting go? Others say ‘sure’. Some say it’s a choice and while that too is correct it’s incomplete. It starts before the choice is made. What does that even mean you ask?
You see; before you make a choice you have to make a choice to make the choice. Even being indecisive about something is still a choice. Forgiveness requires a choice. Where does that choice start? In the mind! You have to make the decision first that you are going to forgive. This is why just saying a few words means nothing as people daily talk about things they don’t even pay any attention to. If the truly did then would it be even something they would talk about? Probably not.
So in this case; if you want to get to a place of peace through forgiveness you first have to make the choice to get your mind in place to forgive. It took me many years to get there. I was filled with lip service like most. I didn’t know much about forgiveness, what it truly meant, the symptoms or the healing power of it. I know how to just say it-which again didn’t prove much because all the symptoms were still there.
If you want freedom through forgiveness get your mind in order. Don’t live by deceit and default; allowing your mind to play you because trust me; it will. Make today the day that you wrap your mind around the choice to forgive. Then let your heart, spirit and soul feel the outcome of it. Let your life journey never be the same. Let the essence of who you truly are shine. It’s only until then that you will experience life to the full.
There is nothing in society that will give you value. It can’t. How can a society that doesn’t know its own value give you value? The great news is that you truly do not need the things of society to have value. It took me a long time to realize that; and once I did I was free!
If you find yourself trapped in a lifestyle that doesn’t truly reflect who you are change it. What are you scared of? The judgments of others who are too scared to do it? Scared of the unknown? Scared of failing? Scared of success? So what- do it anyway. You will never know until you do.
Years ago I listened to a man in Australia tell me that while he made tons of money at his job, had 3 months of vacation time per year; and lived so close to the beach all he ever wanted to do was be a gym teacher. Here was a man with a dream. He is no different than you are I. He was a man who wanted something that was not even close to what he had- and on the outside he had a lot! He shared with me that because of what he had gained in his career he then had to continue to maintain it and as a result he lost himself. He was trapped. He was miserable. He was like many people today. Maybe you can relate.
The wonderful news is that while you may be able to relate; you don’t have to live one more day aggressively trying to attain something that isn’t in your hearts deepest core. You don’t have to suffer the days of your life trying to maintain something that isn’t your passion; your calling or your destiny. You just don’t. You see; you were created for much more. You my dear friend were wonderfully made for something. You have value. You have more probably than you think.
So in a society that is as lost as the fall leaves blowing to and fro; the entrapment of life will take one. One day at a time until it’s slow slithering death rests inside of you. What does society have to offer you? Nothing. It can’t maintain or contain you but it most certainly will drain you. That is until you see the value inside of you. Until you see that you have the value that can only come from you. Society needs your value more than you need its value. When you see and receive that- your entire life will change. I know mine sure did. It was time for me to stand up on and for the value that I had. Isn’t it time for you to do the same?
Regardless of times there always seems to be another woman for many. Even in the Bible Rahab was known to be the other woman so it shouldn’t be surprising that women haven’t changed much. Forgiving the other woman provides challenges without a doubt. While we could all blame the other woman it may surprise you to learn that women are at the brink out out-cheating men. It’s a wake-up call that if you are not taking care of your spouse someone else is. Now does this mean all people cheat. Of course not! Those who come out saying men were not created to be monogamous are just revealing their character. Those who do know what it means to be faithful and remain that way are revealing their character as well. 57% of men and 54% of women have admitted to infidelity at some point in their lives. The average length of an affair is 2 years years. The percentage of marriages that survive infidelity is 31. ( http://www.statisticbrain.com/infidelity-statistics/) This means that the odds for success are not in your favor! So it begs the question: what are you doing to protect your marriage? What are you doing to take care of your spouse? What are you doing period? It’s clear there is a war on marriage and that other people truly do not care if you are or are not married as in reality; if they did care an ounce about anyone but themselves they wouldn’t go after a spouse in the first place. Again their character is revealed. If you are a position of learning about the ‘other woman’ here are some things to help you go through the forgiving process. 1. Realize she may not know about you. The other woman may honestly not know of your existence! It’s not like many men are going to meet a woman and introduce themselves as married with children and then ask for an affair. The other woman truly may be as much a victim as his lies as you the wife may be. Of course there are those woman who do know but don’t get too upset and revengeful toward the other woman when she just may not have a clue. Forgive her for being what she is an move on. You have bigger fish to fry! 2. The other woman is not your problem. The other woman in your marriage is not your problem; your husband is. If he is having an affair then he brought her into your marriage. Period. Getting angry with the other woman won’t resolve your marital issues and in some cases; may create more. Your vows and marriage are between you and your husband; not the other woman. When women get sidetracked by the other women they don’t see the real situation at hand. The real situation is that there were problems in your marriage before there was an affair. Again; that has nothing to do with the other woman. Forgive her and get down to taking care of your marriage and family. Remember a house divided cannot stand. 3. She is not worth it. She is well; the other woman. She isn’t you. She isn’t the mother of your husband’s children. She isn’t respectable. She isn’t worth your grief. Why? Because you are a better woman than that to give time to such nonsense when you have a husband and marriage that needs to be your first priority. See; all too often women spend more time and energy being angry and revengeful toward the other woman instead of starting at the starting point. What caused your husband to cheat in the first place? Of course it was his decision but understand that both of you are in your marriage and cheating really isn’t the problem. Cheating is a symptom of the problem! Cheating has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else! If you want to keep your spouses eyes only for you then ask yourself today:”Am I doing what I need to do to take care of my marriage?” And then make changes from there. Don’t live not forgiving the other woman when you have more that needs your attention.