Forgiveness is something abstract to many in the church and the unchurched alike. Some think it’s just something that happens over time while others think it’s just lip service; and yet still others just don’t think about it because well; why give it time or energy. There is much on the topic of forgiveness although it’s quite common to hear people say there isn’t much on the topic. They are correct for the level of time and energy they have put into wanting to learn about it and grow from it. So the question is where does forgiveness begin? The heart? The Mind? The neighbor? Where does forgiveness begin?
Forgiveness begins in the mind. There is no other place for it to start. Sure one may argue in the heart although if the heart and mind are not in alignment; then there is dissent within. And this is where most live. They live in internal struggle of what forgiveness is and where to begin to get internal freedom.
It’s really that simple. It starts in the mind. You have to make the choice. You have choose to to align your mind with what it is that you want to achieve. It is up to you. No one can do it for you. No one but you. It is up to you to decide where in life you want to go and the choice to forgive is no different.
You see; people believe the lie that time heals all wounds. No it doesn’t. It’s absurd to think that just because you are 10 years older you are just healed because a decade past. Time does not heal wounds. Dealing with them does. One only need to see how many angry people there are still fighting and angry that they didn’t inherit mother’s china when she died. That in and of itself should be proof that time doesn’t do anything but steal what could have been different.
So on this day; this day that is yours think about what you are choosing. Think carefully because every decision you make begins in your mind. Don’t waste a second, minute or hour not thinking. Make the choice in the moment to forgive.
Forigveness is hard. Forgiveness of self for most is even harder. We all make mistakes. None are immune. Perhaps you are one who had an abortion, perhaps cheated; or even scammed employees out of their retirement. None of this? Maybe you killed someone while driving drunk or just murdered someone in a gang bang or drive by. Regardless of the mistakes you have made; there is hope and a future for you. The impact of self- forgiveness is something unimaginable until you have truly been there.
It’s not about just reciting a bunch of affirmations to say ‘I forgive myself’ and yippy yay. No. It is much much deeper than this. It is about the revelation and acceptance that 1) you make mistakes, 2) ‘How did I not know better’ will keep you in bondage, 3) ‘If only’ is a lie and trap, 4) you can and will move forward in life. The impact you will have after the fact will not only change you; but those around you and those around them and those around them.
It is hard to grasp at times what we as people do. Some things are harder to grasp than others. We all can look back on our lives and probably find something to regret- but why? It will keep you only replaying it day after day. Regret should have no part of your future. Forgiveness of self though should.
You are you right where you are although the question is: is it the real you? Are you really the you that your Creator intended? If you are harboring self-unforgiveness for the mistakes you have made you are not living. You just aren’t. You can’t. You are not living as the you that you were created to be. And isn’t it time?
Isn’t it time that you let go of the shame of the past? The condemnation and guilt? The regret? The embarrassment? The loss? The lack and all that comes with it? Isn’t it time to stop living in diminishing returns to get to your real life- the one that is and has been waiting for you?
You can have peace. It’s yours for the taking. It’s been there. Victory is yours all you have to do is fight to get to it; not for it. What are you waiting for? One more mistake to make so that you can fulfill your self prophecy? That doesn’t make sense. You were created for much more than that. You were fearfully and wonderfully made. Make today that you forgive yourself so that you can see that. Make today the day that you disallow anything to come upon your life that is a lie. Make today the day that you start living as you were created to be. You will be overjoyed that you did.
It’s not surprising in our self absorbed society to hear when a famous couple gets divorced. It happens daily and probably will continue as people continue to live more for themselves and their own likings. It’s just part of life. It is not possible to be in a healthy relationship and unforgiving at the same time. Perhaps we all could use a refresher of how to get over ourselves; and some more than others but I digress.
And so it goes; unforgiveness and divorce are linked. Unforgiveness does more harm to our lives than we realize and rightfully so as who truly wants to take the responsibility of looking in the mirror to recognize faults that are doing harm to self and others? I know I sure didn’t! Once I did though; my life and everything about it changed. If you are married and want to stay that way perhaps you should take a personal inventory so that you don’t lose the one relationship that you vowed would last until death do you part. In my post: https://julieblair.com/unforgiveness-causes-divorce/ I shared three ways that unforgiveness causes divorce and while you may think that is it; nope. Just wait! There’s more. Isn’t there always? On a topic as important as this we need to get it. The additional ways unforgiveness causes divorce are that it:
1. Depletes Intimacy– When couples are not enjoying each other’s company; the communication changes. Because you can’t not communicate you are still sending messages although not the ones of love and passion. When husbands withdraw from their wives it is as painful for the wives as it is when wives withhold sex from men. The level of rejection both feel through that separation leads to much change within each person, their marriage and into the rest of the family. Everything within a marriage starts in the bedroom and if the bedroom is as stiff as many boardrooms it’s evident what isn’t occurring. Forgiveness will restore that intimacy.
2. Builds Bitterness- Bitterness is spiritual poison. It rots the bones. It destroys the heart. Those at Harvard know this; even though it’s in the Bible in the Book of Ephesians. The Harvard findings in a 2005 reveal found that forgiveness reduces stress on the heart. Bitterness is a symptom of unforgiveness and the longer a spouse is bitter the more poison there will be in that marriage and as a result; the entire family. Bitterness and marital bliss cannot cohabitate. It’s better to not allow bitterness to rot your bones and wreck your life!
3. Keeps you self- focused. Unforgiveness in a marriage will keep the unforgiving party focused on self. It is not possible to be loving, forgiving and self-focused at the same time. When people are unforgiving it shows. It is reflected in their behavior, what they talk about, how they talk; and every other thing in the unforgivers life that revolves around self. To it’s end; a self-focused spouse will in the end leave the other with feelings of abandonment, rejection; and in the arms of another. People are not perfect and unforgiveness will blind you to this. If you are more focused on what you want for your own personal gain in your marriage; ask yourself if there is something your spouse did that you have yet to forgive. You probably already know the answer.
The bottom line is that unforgiveness kills. It destroys. It comes like the thief in the night; when you least expect it. It infiltrates lives and marriages to the destruction of them and if you are not quick to forgive you may be its next victim. Don’t be a statistic. Forgive. Your spouse will thank you. You will thank me. And we all will live happily ever after.
Forgiveness is a lifestyle. Forgiving God in the realm of spiritual abuse is also part of that lifestyle. It’s a tricky thing for many to comprehend because it’s hard to decipher religion from the abuser, from God. Not only this; most struggle with why God would allow them to be abused in the first place. Perhaps you know from experience.
Many people leave the Church and for good reason. It’s based upon man-made ideas, rules, regulations and quite frankly bondage. Spiritual abuse creates another level of bondage that does more damage to people than most recognize until they recognize it. The one step to freedom is forgiveness. Forgiving the abuser is one thing. Forgiving yourself for getting yourself in that situation in the first place is another. And finally; forgiving God for letting you be on that path and stay on that path is something different altogether.
Regardless of the length of time you were abused; forgiveness is your key to freedom. Forgiving God for allowing it to happen is really vital to your future because:
1. God gave you free will. You have to know that you made the choice to be in that situation. God didn’t put you there for you to be miserable and abused. You chose 1) to enter the situation, 3) to stay in it, 3) and then to leave. Blaming God for what you chose is not going to free you. This is an extremely tough thing to grasp and understand; however, when you get to this point of revelation that yes you were part of it your life will change. It doesn’t change what you have lost although it will help you to go forward toward the wonderful life that He does have waiting just for you.
2. God will never leave you or forsake you. Regardless of the choices that any of us makes; He loves us more than He hates the mistakes we make. He is with you regardless of what you have done. He really is the constant and most consistent of anyone you will ever meet. He is the same yesterday, today and forever and His intent is to bring you and hope a future and through the times we make choices that get us off track; He will be there to help you walk step by step. Just allow Him to reveal Himself to you.
3. God doesn’t want you to be in pain. God loves you. He is like the daddy that just wants the best for you. Do you think your father would want nothing more from you than just to live in pain being spiritually abused by someone with an agenda that may or may line up with God’s Word? Of course not! He loves you and the more time you spend being unforgiving is less time than you are seeing just how loving He truly is.
It isn’t easy going through spiritual abuse. The pain of those trusted and who far off they are isn’t easy to accept. The reality of time lost, personal changes; and the depths of what is stole isn’t easy. The great news is that there is a Father who loves you who is with you. There is one who while didn’t stop you; let you learn those lessons. There is One who will be there to walk with you through the outcome and to show you true victory in your future. Through this; forgive Him for what you have been deceived to thinking to date because He was only there with you while you made the choice. Through your forgiveness in the end; you will not only see that but also see the wonderful future He created for you to live.
Many people who experience spiritual abuse aren’t aware of it in the beginning or in process, else why would they be in it in the first place. Reconciliation of events that occur over time require forgiveness and through that come healing and restoration.
See; those who are abused don’t wake up one morning and go search for the abuse. People don’t t wake up one morning with thoughts of ‘Let me see who I can find to hurt me all in the name of Jesus. Let me see how that would feel for a years.’ People don’t just knowingly do that.
It’s what happens though. It happens all over the world and on a daily basis. People get involved in churches, Bible studies; groups of people whom they begin to build relationships with and over time things change. The abuser is the one in charge and leading people down a path; that most of the time is about his or her agenda. The unsuspecting attendees are all about the mission at hand. They are happy to be a part of doing something for the greater good and life change is just part of the process. Never mind the change more often than not is not the change anyone would want to experience.
It isn’t until things happen and eyes open that the reality sets in. It may be a person speaking the real truth, something that you now pay attention to that you have been hearing for years; or just that you get to the most absolute lowest point of your life to where suicide is the most freeing way out. Regardless; learning the truth will make you free!
It’s through learning the truth of the abuse that is probably the hardest. Nothing is as you expected it to be nor can it be. Time has passed. You have passed. You are no longer who you were to do what you were called to do all those years ago and you can’t get them back. Time; is gone. How do you reconcile that? How do you reconcile what you have lost? How do you reconcile what you gave up and what was stolen from you? Simple. Forgive.
It is one of the hardest things in life to forgive. There is damage beyond what most people can grasp or understand. People took advantage of you and while they did it; you too were there. You were willing to be a participant. It was your vulnerability that allowed you to be in that position in the first place. Forgiveness will remove the pain to allow you to go forward.
Forgiveness will reconcile you from the past. It will not get back those lost years. But it will give you much to go forward with. It will free you from any attachment to those who abused you. Forgiveness will free you from the choices you have made. Forgiveness will allow you to see your new future in the way that you were probably able to see it long before your abuse began. While a process; forgiveness will set you free. Forgiveness will reconcile you with who you used to be and the real you to where you are going. And if you want to get going-forgive and be reconciled. You don’t want to lose more time when your future is waiting for you.
Spiritual abuse is hard to walk out of. Nothing is as it was nor will be ever be what it is as this very moment. Life is different and so are you. The good news is that your future is bright. Let forgiveness reign so you can get to it!
If you spend your time focusing on what has been lost; you will only lose more. It is not possible to gain and go toward a future while focusing on loss at the same time. Your future is waiting for you. While it may be difficult to see in the beginning know it is true. You are still standing and that is what is most important. If you weren’t you would have no testimony right? But you are here. You are triumphant. You my friend, are a survivor and of much more than you can ever realize.
As you look toward your future know that those in your path and past are and have served a purpose. What those purposes are are different for each of us. The good news is that through forgiveness you can see the purpose and go toward what is waiting for you.
There is no time like the present to let the past be what it was which was a journey. There is no time like the present to stand tall in who you were truly created to be and go toward the leaps and bounds waiting for you. Perhaps it’s moving to a new state. Perhaps it’s changing careers. Perhaps it is walking away from Church and into relationship with Jesus who has walked with you through the entire ordeal. Perhaps it’s just time for you to stand alone and see life in a new light- and in a sparkling pair of Christian Louboutin pumps! Regardless of what you are about to do; the best news is that you are still standing to do it. And that is the best thing you can ask or hope for!
There is much about spiritual abuse that is not talked about; especially the signs. People today just follow without thought; clueless of the sheep in wolves clothing preying- just waiting for the attack. It’s time to get it folks! Spiritual abuse and the warning signs are there-if you only pay attention.Forgive yourself if you haven’t and keep reading! Warning signs of spiritual abuse:
1. Misuse of scripture. If your pastor, spiritual mentor, adviser, etc. is misusing scripture it’s a red flag. If that person tells you things like ‘those who give the most get blessed the most’ and cites a variety of scripture- it’s wrong.
2. The person is controlling. There is a difference in leading, managing and controlling people. Oftentimes people get them confused and believe they are being led when in reality they are being controlled. Controlling people create expectations of you where you fall under their accountability, you become responsible to them; and you begin to live according to their ideals and expectations.
3. The person tries to change you. When someone tries to change you it may be blatant or subtle and it is your responsibility to discern between the two. A person who tries to change you will do is slyly with things that seem as coaching when in reality are not. It may be under the guise of a different lifestyle because you are now a Christian when in reality; that is the job of the Holy Spirit to bring about change and not other people. If someone tells you how to dress, wear your hair, who to spend time with; and other things like this it’s time to see it and run fast. Run Forest run!
4. The person has an agenda for you and your life or future. At time of meeting this person your life may not be going in the direction you thought. Well; great news! The person has a perfect life for you- and it just meets his or her agenda. You get involved and your life will become this or that when in reality it probably has nothing to do with what you set out to do for yourself. By the time you realize it; it may be a few years later and you are worse of than you were before you met. If someone has the goal of changing your life for his or her benefit that is not someone you want to follow.
5. The person puts down things you like or don’t like. If things you like or dislike are made fun of it’s a red flag. You do not have to like what everyone else likes and if a leader or spiritual mentor attempts to change what you like in the name of whatever religion that person is following it is not right. What happens to those following such leaders is that they start second guessing what they actually like; lose their identity, and then become lost people with no ability to think for themselves. It’s a great position to get people in for the leader because people with no identity or ability to think for themselves are much easier to control.
6. The person isolates you. If you change all of your friends in your life because they are not on the same page as the direction you are going; rethink it. Rethink it especially if it’s unanimous of all of your friends. Someone who attempts to remove those closest to your life is only gaining more power and control over you by mind controlling you to think that your friends are just not with the program and are not going where you are. Duh. No one is going right where you are because your life path was already made for you and no two people have the exact same life path; twins included. Isolation from friends and family is a control tactic so be wise to it.
7. The person steals your identity and value. If you begin to lose who you are, the things you like and enjoy that is a problem. If you are around someone who mocks what you eat and where, how you style your hair, your wardrobe choices or even what you do for a living; run. If someone tells you that the changes you are going through are normal and when you are finished you will be who you are; run. You were created in the image of God and no man has any authority to change that-unless you give it up. Don’t. Changing who you are is an insult to God.
8. The person is the only authority in the group. If your spiritual mentor, adviser, pastor; etc. etc. is the only authority and one allowed to speak that’s a red flag. It’s a control of information and the person in charge is the only one with it. When people start bowing down to one person as the leader and all knowing it is not right!
9. The person keeps group members isolated from one another. If members of the group, study, etc. are not encouraged to spend time together it’s a red flag. Why? Because they will talk and if they talk- who knows what will be talked about. When people are isolated from one another the only contact would be from each person to the leader and not person to person.
10. The person has no fruit in his or her life. Look at who you are following. Where is the fruit? Does that person walk in love? Forgiveness? How does that person treat his or her spouse? How does that person treat others? Is the person a racist? What are the relationships of that person like? Is there fruit in the family and friends? If there is no fruit then there is a reason. While the reason may not ever be your business the fact that there is no fruit is all you need to know.
Spiritual abuse is something that is more common than people think. Those who are unsuspecting get themselves into situations that they didn’t even realize and before it happens to you- take note. Be wise and discerning and pray for wisdom daily and then apply what you learn. After all; it may be save your life.
When people have been abused by religion, their pastors; or their church there are many lessons to learn. Spiritual abuse requires forgiveness on numerous levels. Many don’t see it; and most don’t know it’s occurred to them.
Every single person who has victory over spiritual abuse has a testimony. Those testimonies are nothing to be ashamed of but rather celebrated because there is victory in all things. It’s a matter of perspective and your victory may be just what the person on the subway next to you is needing to hear about. The lessons are many and I begin with a few simple ones:
1. Forgive. Forgive the spiritual abuser and forgive yourself. Both are lessons that are needed to be learned and master so not to be repeated.
2. Know the Word. Your pastor may say this or that; but so what? If what that pastor is not lining up with the Word of God and you follow it; you are in trouble and in more ways than you think. Your life is your responsibility. Knowing the Word helps you spot counterfeits or the wolf in sheep’s clothing.
3. Stand up for Yourself. Don’t allow someone to control you in any way; especially with the misuse of scripture. If you are not sure what the intentions are; ask. Then pay attention to the answer spoken and ‘not’ spoken. The answer is always there it’s a matter of paying attention to it.
By walking in wisdom you will far better than being ignorant following someone who may or may not have a clue, your best interest; or a personal hidden agenda. You, my dear reader, are the only one responsible for your actions and life so don’t be swayed by the ideas and thoughts of others if they are not lining up with the Word. You certainly will be glad you did!
When people have been abused by religion, their pastors; or their church there are many lessons to learn. Spiritual abuse requires forgiveness on numerous levels. Many don’t see it; and most don’t know it’s occurred to them.
Every single person who has victory over spiritual abuse has a testimony. Those testimonies are nothing to be ashamed of but rather celebrated because there is victory in all things. It’s a matter of perspective and your victory may be just what the person on the subway next to you is needing to hear about. The lessons are many and I begin with a few simple ones:
1. Forgive. Forgive the spiritual abuser and forgive yourself. Both are lessons that are needed to be learned and master so not to be repeated.
2. Know the Word. Your pastor may say this or that; but so what? If what that pastor is not lining up with the Word of God and you follow it; you are in trouble and in more ways than you think. Your life is your responsibility. Knowing the Word helps you spot counterfeits or the wolf in sheep’s clothing.
3. Stand up for Yourself. Don’t allow someone to control you in any way; especially with the misuse of scripture. If you are not sure what the intentions are; ask. Then pay attention to the answer spoken and ‘not’ spoken. The answer is always there it’s a matter of paying attention to it.
By walking in wisdom you will far better than being ignorant following someone who may or may not have a clue, your best interest; or a personal hidden agenda. You, my dear reader, are the only one responsible for your actions and life so don’t be swayed by the ideas and thoughts of others if they are not lining up with the Word. You certainly will be glad you did!
Next up: Forgiveness in Spiritual Abuse: The Signs of Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual abuse is rampant; except people don’t talk about. Those who abuse continue to do so and those abused continue to keep silent. It’s hard to come out shout ‘Hey! I was spiritually abused. I’m socially awkward, have been isolated for a decade and haven’t a clue what I am doing’ so most who have been abused hide in silence. And things continue on as though nothing happened. It’s similar to rape in that a violation occurred in the most inner parts of a person and most of the time the perpetrator gets no sentence.
Forgiveness of self in spiritual abuse situations is vital to forward progression. There is no way to move on without first forgiving the spiritual abuser as I wrote in my previous blog ‘Forgiveness in Spiritual Abuse: Forgiving the Abuser’. The next step toward freedom is:
Forgive yourself. When reality hits of that spiritual abuse has occurred; it’s more eye opening that most realize. It’s the shock of ‘how did I let this happen’ to ‘what will others think?’ to ‘am I crazy?’ and ending with the ‘how do I go forward?’ and many other things that are a part of that journey.
It is extremely difficult to let go of the mistake that the person made to get to that place; however, those who are spiritual abusers are good at it and you blaming yourself won’t do any good. In fact it will only create more hardship so it’s best to recognize it and forgive yourself and as soon as possible. The longer you wait the harder it is because the more revelation you will experience about what really took place.
Before you go down the road of shame, guilt, condemnation; and self-loathing know that your friends who love you are still there loving you and that in fact; they have been loving you the entire time. They are still there and they have never left you. They were on their journey with you although in a different way. They see through their eyes and my friends; have been waiting for the day when your eyes were open to seeing the truth. Sometimes it takes some longer than others; which is why we need people in our lives of all walks of life.
Forgiving yourself for getting into a spiritually abusive relationship is no different than forgiving yourself for having an abortion or an act of infidelity. All require forgiveness and the great news is that there is forgiveness and freedom waiting for you. As you go forward forgive yourself for:
1. Allowing yourself to get in that situation in the first place
2. Not recognizing it sooner.
3. Not standing up for yourself during that time.
4. Not paying attention to the red flags that really were there.
5. Not listening to those in your life who saw the signs and warned you.
And anything else that caused you to get yourself there. It’s one of those things that while you may wish you weren’t there; you were and now you aren’t- and that’s the best news of all.
As with anything in life; the quicker you realize that you are not perfect and that you make mistakes the easier it will get to forgive yourself. It may be humbling; but will end up being the most healing act and gift that you can give yourself. Get started now as your future is waiting.
Up next: Forgiveness in Spiritual Abuse: Know the Lessons