Spiritual abuse is something that people don’t talk about; especially in church. Forgiveness of spiritual abuse is what needs to be openly discussed because people need freedom in Christ. Church unfortunately does not equate to freedom for many.
It is amazing how many people leave the church because they have suffered spiritual abuse. It’s even worse to learn how many of those people want nothing to do with Jesus because of the spiritual abuse of the so called Christian leaders that they trusted their spiritual journey to. It’s hard to separate the two; although it should make people be glad to learn that even Jesus wasn’t thrilled with the religious folks of His day. Spiritual abuse is no laughing matter and if you have ever experienced it or know someone who has or is currently; these words are for you.
First and foremost there is freedom after spiritual abuse. If you have suffered spiritual abuse do not allow it or the abuser to have control over your future. Forgive. There is a call on your life and you matter. There is something in your future that no one can take away. To get free and live your God given life I begin with:
1. Forgive the abuser. It truly is a test of your strength and probably one of the hardest things to forgive someone for. The person that you trusted as a confident, spiritual mentor or adviser; or whatever you want to call took advantage of what you gave. It’s a hard thing to work through for anyone when the reality of what has been done to you sets in. This is why forgiveness is needed because otherwise your future and your life will suffer the consequences in ways you can’t deem possible.
Forgiveness will free you in any situation and unforgiveness will kill you as well; so working through forgiveness first will help you see that you have a future and that your past has not been wasted. It simply hasn’t. While you may have a harder time getting back what was stolen; the great news is that there is redemption in Christ. God is the redeemer of all things and through Him what has been stolen shall be returned to you. Just keep walking toward your future.
What you must understand is through forgiveness of the abuser you will be able to see that most people don’t know what they are doing. They just don’t. You probably didn’t know what you were doing when you got yourself into the situation of being abused in the first place! Remember forgiveness is not about the abuser; but rather you and your own journey. Those who are spiritual abusers for the most part are just doing what they know and or what they have been taught. Does that make it any easier? Of course not! You still lost your identity, the years of your life all the things that it probably should have been filled with; and much more that you don’t yet know.
When really looking at the abuser through the eyes of forgiveness; you will be able to see that that person too has lost much. What that person has lost may not be any concern of yours; but it doesn’t change the fact that most people who abuse were abused and your forgiveness toward that person may put you in the perfect position to not only free yourself but that person and all those who would come after to you that would otherwise be spiritually abused. It’s a journey of healing, reconciliation and forward progress toward the real life waiting for you.
Regardless of what has been done to you by whom; the first step is forgiving the spiritual abuser so that you can take the next step forward. You don’t want to miss more of your future by not starting there.
What’s next? Forgiveness in Spiritual Abuse: Forgiving Yourself
There is power in the tongue so reads Proverbs 18:21. The tongue can deliver life or death. By the words you speak you change lives; for the better or worse is up to you. By your tongue you can do more than you may think.
What is interesting is that universities are now getting involved in the message. What is offensive language is forever changing and if you are in a more mature generation or even if you were born before Atari you may recall that the term ‘Founding Fathers’. Well; universities have been on strike against those two words linked together for it is offensive to some. Who knows who the ‘some’ are although apparently there are those who find what those men did for the great Nation of America offensive and therefore; you may hear the term ‘pioneers’ instead.
What’s amazing is that through this change in speech at universities such as Duke; the right to free speech is also changing with it.
From personal experience professors at University of Phoenix are known to be highly encouraged and then reprimanded if action not taken to remove any and all references to the words Jesus, Christianity, Christian Church and Bible from their biographies. It’s a tricky thing when professors are required to share what they do outside of teaching a university class when the professors are not allowed to share it because they are afraid someone will be offended by what a professor does on his or her own time. I wonder if I had instead put ‘dancer with no clothes on for fun in the nighttime for extra spending money’ would have garnered the same results or if that would have just been viewed as ‘freedom of expression’. I digress.
The latest ‘Discouragement’ Campaign was recently launched at Duke to remove language that is oppressive to homosexuals and insults people. While a nice idea to not offend people although the overall campaign is missing the point.
Instead of focusing on not offending one segment of the population why not just bring the Proverb 18:21 in the lives of students not only at Duke but across universities and live by the words of Proverbs 18:21, ‘The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.’
When you speak words of live to others it changes them in positive ways. When we focus on segments of people we miss what we could and should be saying. In essence we remove the right to free speech.
Do we really need campaigns to remove our speech? Or do we just need to have a heart attitude filled with love and encouragement; one filled with uplifting others through our words? At what point will we grasp that what we need isn’t yet one more campaign for this or that but rather a changed heart? It isn’t about what we make it and until we see that; we will continue to use the wrong words for the wrong messages and will still get the same wrong results.
Great relationships don’t come without effort. It is not possible to be in healthy relationships and contribute nothing. Relationships require commitment, communication, sometimes sacrifice; and most of all forgiveness. All of these require that focus is not on self. This was a tough lesson for me to learn. I spent most of my life alone and growing myself up. I was 15 and homeless and put myself through college. I was a warrior! It was all about me; and when it wasn’t it still was. Trust me.
When I met my mom in 2003 for the first time that was an experience to say the least! It wasn’t until 2007 that we connected again. She disappeared again which made things difficult and to be honest; I didn’t care because I wanted nothing to do with her in the first place. Anyway; that is a separate story altogether but for the sake of this I had to learn how to relate to her as the mother and also learn how to be a daughter. I never really got that experience so needless to say it proved to be something I knew nothing about. Was it work? Absolutely! It was beyond anything I ever imagined and there was no ‘wanna get away’ escape from it either! I could only wish! And I did!
While I had been a speech professor for almost a decade by this time; I thought my communication skills were effective. Why wouldn’t I? Boy was I proved wrong! It wasn’t until I started communicating more with my mother that I learned just how much I had to learn. I had to deal with my own personal issues in order to be effective in communicating with her; else we could never build a healthy and functional relationship. I remember daily when she would call screaming at the top of her lungs how much she hated Dallas. Well; who could blame her? It’s hot and humid here. Ironic since she moved from Houston but still. It was a daily issue and I learned that my reaction only fed it. I needed to shut up and listen. What a lesson as there wasn’t much I was used to not having an opinion about. I had a lot of growing to do. I had to put down the cell phone and pay attention. I had to stop texting and pay attention. I had to look at my mother in the face and pay attention. I had to get over myself and just pay attention. I had to do it. Perhaps you are in a place where you need to just stop and pay attention for the sake of the relationship and those who are important in your life.
What I have learned are amazing things! While my mother has been diagnosed with every mental disorder you can imagine and is unable to physically care for herself; she will blow your mind! She is in the second phase of testing to be on Jeopardy. Who knew? I’ve learned that when she doesn’t want to talk about things that are too personal; like who my father is- she gets silent. When she has an answer she is very direct with her ‘yes’ and ‘fine’. Check out the segment from The Today Show and see what I mean as it’s hilarious! She holds nothing back. I learned that that is where I get it from and why my nickname in powder puff football in high school was ‘Mouth’. Go figure.
I’ve learned that my mom laughs a lot. She enjoys life now even though she no longer lives on her own. She gave up everything to move from Houston to Dallas to build a relationship with me. She did that for me. She has a warm heart and would give you the jacket off her back; and did to many on the streets even when she herself was homeless and cold. I’ve learned that even though her left ankle is swollen to her knee and the doctors have no clue why; she never complains about it. She just rangers on. Not only that; it doesn’t bother her to take a pair of scissors to cut her pants off at the bottom instead of sewing them. She just walks on and sings Queen songs all the way. Be aware if you take her to any musical show she will sing every song to your embarrassment.
The biggest lesson that I must share and admit is embarrassing; is that until I got over myself I couldn’t see her for who she is in my life. She is my mother and at times I struggled with that. I wanted anyone but her to be my mom. I know it’s not nice to admit but it’s true. I wanted someone more well; motherly. My mother is not nurturing and that’s ok. She still holds the title of mom and that’s enough. Once I really grasped the importance of obedience to the Word I saw that ‘Honor Your Mother and Father’ didn’t mean if you like them, if they are a Kennedy; or anything else. It just reads to do it. Once I got this and learned that it wasn’t always about me my life changed. Her life changed. Our lives changed. Isn’t that what it’s about anyway?
Life is about relationships. It’s about each of us growing and changing and experiencing with others. Life is also short. I lost 25 years of time with my mom and I can tell you that having that time back would be a blessing unimaginable; but it’s never going to happen. I can only relish in today and the time that we have to learn and relate to one another; to grow together and enjoy life together. I hope that for you too that on this day; you reflect on those in your life and what you can truly learn by relating to them in new ways. I assure you; you won’t regret it.