How Unforgiveness Causes Divorce
It’s no secret that divorce is rampant. It’s rampant everywhere; not just in Hollywood. The divorce statistics of those in the Church are just as high so apparently the lesson of forgiveness needs to reach us all! Perhaps marriage vows should read something more like, ‘Till I want to part because it’s Tuesday’ and not ‘ till death due us part’ because people really just don’t get it. It would make sense really since in today’s society it’s more about having million dollar weddings and marriages that last oh; a couple of months. And that’s a big maybe. So what’s the issue causing such divorce at record pace?
Unforgiveness. Yep. Sure you may be thinking, “Well, I have grounds. He’s not the man I married.” Or you may thinking, ‘She’s changed.’ And so? If she or he didn’t change you would be mad about that too so what really is the point? This is where we have it all wrong! Our society has deemed marriage disposable and worthless and the people in it are just as pathetic by the day of divorce decree. Are we just that selfish and narcissistic to not stop and see it? Anyone anywhere can come up with a justified reason for anything; but it doesn’t mean it’s good or even right; or even the best one and may see after the fact that the grass is greener on the other side but they still have to mow it.
See; the infidelity, withholding sex, silent treatment, drinking, not spending time together, growing apart, waiting for the children to go to college, job loss, income issues; and all the other things related to the reasons ‘why’ are just symptoms. Every single thing that is the cause of divorce is symptom related. The real issue is beneath all of those symptoms and most couples never recognize it. Why? Because they are too busy blaming and trying to be right rather than forgiving. If only couples would learn the lesson of forgiveness NOW so that these problems don’t become the cause of divorce we may have more marriages that actually do last a lifetime. So how does unforgiveness cause divorce?
1. Unforgiveness keeps you focused on the symptoms. When you are focused on the symptoms you aren’t able to see the problem. Why are you not having sex with your spouse? Why are you not spending time together? ‘Not having time’ is an excuse not the reason. People make time for what is important. If you are not then ask yourself when it’s divorce time who’s fault is it really? What am I doing or not doing that has my marriage where it’s at?
2. Unforgiveness is a victim mentality. We are all victims of things other people to do us at some point in life. None of us are perfect; none are immune. If you are living your life as the victim of what your spouse did to you it’s clear sign you have not forgiven. Period. If you want to get a clear picture stop and reflect on all the things that you have done that probably hurt your spouse in some capacity. Stop blaming your spouse when you are in the same marriage! Start forgiving.
3. Unforgiveness keeps you focused on the past. Unforgiving people live in the past. It’s all about what happened ‘way back when’ which really has nothing to do with ‘now but never mind actually bringing that up with them because it’s a moot point. That person will have plenty to speak about about how you missed the birthday party five years as a former neighbor of mine would remind her boyfriend every Friday night at the midnight living room fight. Clearly; a sign that they were not able to move on because she just could not let it go. It was five years ago! If you are hoarding the mistakes of your spouse from even yesterday it’s time to forgive. And quickly otherwise the resentment, bitterness and all the other symptoms will be evident to the extent of the death of your marriage.
If you want true freedom in your marriage; forgive. You don’t want to let the mistakes your spouse made destroy what you have invested your life to build. Don’t be like those in Hollywood who learn of their husband’s former flings and then harbor it for selfish reasons. It’s not worth it. It’s not to say that forgiving someone is easy because we all know it’s not and this is not a prosperity message. This is message written to save your life, your marriage, your family and your future. Take it serious while you still can. In case your forgot: forgive.
Forgiveness is a lifestyle. Forgiving God in the realm of spiritual abuse is also part of that lifestyle. It’s a tricky thing for many to comprehend because it’s hard to decipher religion from the abuser, from God. Not only this; most struggle with why God would allow them to be abused in the first place. Perhaps you know from experience.
Many people leave the Church and for good reason. It’s based upon man-made ideas, rules, regulations and quite frankly bondage. Spiritual abuse creates another level of bondage that does more damage to people than most recognize until they recognize it. The one step to freedom is forgiveness. Forgiving the abuser is one thing. Forgiving yourself for getting yourself in that situation in the first place is another. And finally; forgiving God for letting you be on that path and stay on that path is something different altogether.
Regardless of the length of time you were abused; forgiveness is your key to freedom. Forgiving God for allowing it to happen is really vital to your future because:
1. God gave you free will. You have to know that you made the choice to be in that situation. God didn’t put you there for you to be miserable and abused. You chose 1) to enter the situation, 3) to stay in it, 3) and then to leave. Blaming God for what you chose is not going to free you. This is an extremely tough thing to grasp and understand; however, when you get to this point of revelation that yes you were part of it your life will change. It doesn’t change what you have lost although it will help you to go forward toward the wonderful life that He does have waiting just for you.
2. God will never leave you or forsake you. Regardless of the choices that any of us makes; He loves us more than He hates the mistakes we make. He is with you regardless of what you have done. He really is the constant and most consistent of anyone you will ever meet. He is the same yesterday, today and forever and His intent is to bring you and hope a future and through the times we make choices that get us off track; He will be there to help you walk step by step. Just allow Him to reveal Himself to you.
3. God doesn’t want you to be in pain. God loves you. He is like the daddy that just wants the best for you. Do you think your father would want nothing more from you than just to live in pain being spiritually abused by someone with an agenda that may or may line up with God’s Word? Of course not! He loves you and the more time you spend being unforgiving is less time than you are seeing just how loving He truly is.
It isn’t easy going through spiritual abuse. The pain of those trusted and who far off they are isn’t easy to accept. The reality of time lost, personal changes; and the depths of what is stole isn’t easy. The great news is that there is a Father who loves you who is with you. There is one who while didn’t stop you; let you learn those lessons. There is One who will be there to walk with you through the outcome and to show you true victory in your future. Through this; forgive Him for what you have been deceived to thinking to date because He was only there with you while you made the choice. Through your forgiveness in the end; you will not only see that but also see the wonderful future He created for you to live.
When people have been abused by religion, their pastors; or their church there are many lessons to learn. Spiritual abuse requires forgiveness on numerous levels. Many don’t see it; and most don’t know it’s occurred to them.
Every single person who has victory over spiritual abuse has a testimony. Those testimonies are nothing to be ashamed of but rather celebrated because there is victory in all things. It’s a matter of perspective and your victory may be just what the person on the subway next to you is needing to hear about. The lessons are many and I begin with a few simple ones:
1. Forgive. Forgive the spiritual abuser and forgive yourself. Both are lessons that are needed to be learned and master so not to be repeated.
2. Know the Word. Your pastor may say this or that; but so what? If what that pastor is not lining up with the Word of God and you follow it; you are in trouble and in more ways than you think. Your life is your responsibility. Knowing the Word helps you spot counterfeits or the wolf in sheep’s clothing.
3. Stand up for Yourself. Don’t allow someone to control you in any way; especially with the misuse of scripture. If you are not sure what the intentions are; ask. Then pay attention to the answer spoken and ‘not’ spoken. The answer is always there it’s a matter of paying attention to it.
By walking in wisdom you will far better than being ignorant following someone who may or may not have a clue, your best interest; or a personal hidden agenda. You, my dear reader, are the only one responsible for your actions and life so don’t be swayed by the ideas and thoughts of others if they are not lining up with the Word. You certainly will be glad you did!
Next up: Forgiveness in Spiritual Abuse: The Signs of Spiritual Abuse
You may have read the title and thought to yourself, ‘sure. who doesn’t want better relationships’ but that never happens. People are people and we are all just stuck with them.
While this may be a negative viewpoint; although true as well, it doesn’t mean that your relationships can’t be better. How do I know? I used to have terrible relationships. Ironically enough; I am educated in the field of communication and have taught communication courses at the collegiate level for over a decade. It just goes to show I too have had to experience those relationships that are now not.
So that’s the secret? How do we get better relationships with people who just aren’t willing to change? How do we get better relationships from those who don’t see our point of view? Those who just never seem to listen to what we have to say? Those that just don’t seem to get it?
I will tell you plainly like I was years ago. Your problem my friend is you. Yep. I said it. You are the common denominator in all of those relationships right? If you want them to be better then why not focus on what you can do about making them better? I can surely tell you that you complaining about what they are instead of what you think they should will not get you anywhere. I tried that too.
What was ‘my’ problem? Why were my relationships not going the way they should have been? Why was I not fulfilled? Why was everything so difficult? Simple. I was unforgiving. You see; unforgiveness steals your joy. It robs you of anything pleasing and sweet. It is like the cancer that spreads ever so slowly that you have no idea what is going on until the pain is so deep that you can’t handle it any more. It exudes out of your body in ways that people don’t talk about at Sunday dinner. It brings with it bitterness, resentment and anger. It is sly like that snake just waiting to wrap it’s nasty head around you; all the while you go about your business complaining that everyone else is the problem. They are not my friend.
Forgiveness blocks your ability to be of service to others because it keeps you focused on being the victim. It keeps you from receiving blessings because people quite frankly; don’t want to be around you. It destroys who you are to the deepest core. Not this; hypertension and arthritis are linked to unforgiveness according to a Harvard study in 2007.
It is through forgiveness that your relationships can be restored. You can be healed and those people in your life can be forever changed by your one choice to forgive. It may be the hardest thing you ever do; but the most rewarding. You see; none of us are any different. We all have stories. I was abandoned by my biological mother, lived in a foster home and at 16 a homeless shelter. If you think I wasn’t unforgiving you are kidding yourself! Maybe you too can relate; or maybe something else happened to you in your past. The time is now to forgive that person. Now is the time to be free. Now is the time to live your life. The forgiveness isn’t about anyone else but you. Don’t you think that you are worth it?
When I made the choice to forgive my mother and all the people who hurt me; everything in my life changed. My heart changed, my eye color changed and even my choice changed. You may think that these are great but wait- there’s more! I was reunited with my biological mother. We have a healthy relationship and were even featured guests on The Today Show.
http://www.today.com/id/26184891/vp/38040165#38040165
Take it from me first hand; forgiveness steals so much. I would love more time back and maybe even some of those broken relationships; but the good news is that I am going forward free of what sucked the life out of me. And I can do it with my mother. If I had chosen to stay unforgiving there is so much that we both would have lost out on and I can’t imagine ever going back down that path. I hope that you don’t either!
There is so much more about forgiveness than I have time for in this post but this is the first step. You have to take an introspective look at yourself and see if maybe the real issues in your relationship are caused by you and your unforgiveness. If they are- stop blaming others and start fixing yourself. You will be glad you did!