How Forgiveness Changes You
Forgiveness is not a game. Many toss it around like bocce ball on a Sunday afternoon. It is seen as something to do just to placate others in an attempt to have them believe that you are holy; oh so holy. It’s like those who want you to believe because they go to church that they are better than you. Yet those who know forgiveness will know that the life changes that come through forgiveness either will or will not be evident. When you forgive there is evidence of it; there is fruit. This would make sense as obedience to God’s Word does that-produces fruit.
How you change when you forgive is something that 1) most don’t know, 2) haven’t experienced, 3) is not really talked about. This makes sense because it’s hard to talk about and share an experience that never has been. And so this is why it is important to share how people change when they forgive; and forgive to God’s Word and not mans idea as they are two entirely separate things.
You see; forgiveness first and foremost is about obedience to God’s Word. One may be of another religion and forgive to the words although while good and appearing noble is not the best nor complete. Anything without God let’s just be real- is death and terrible. God’s Word is clear that ‘I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:5. So in other words- if you do not have Jesus you are not in the realm of 1) grasping forgiveness to the full, 2) being forgiven, 3) forgiving, 4) bearing fruit. It’s all clear. Whether you like or not or disagree does not change anything. God’s Word is true yesterday, today and forever. And thus; as you forgive in accordance with God’s Word you will change because your obedience to it bears fruit.
When you forgive you are removing your self-focused, narcissistic tendencies and strongholds behind you. You are no longer focusing on the outward appearances and actions of others or even of yourself. No you have graduated from that. You see that the selfie-stick too can be sold in the next garage sale- or given to the neighbor. When you forgive you will see beyond where you were to that the Lord Almighty is who redeems and restores. You; through forgiveness, will recognize that you are not your own savior. This is why this requires explanation. Someone who believes he or she is his or her own god typically is challenged to recognize 1) the need for a savior, 2) that he or she is not the almighty thought to be. Forgiveness opens the eyes to the reality of what once was to what is and to what can be. If only we grasped that much sooner and didn’t spend decades living in unforgiveness. Or perhaps that was just me.
When you forgive you recognize that there never was a need to focus on such things that were meaningless It is not to state that there was no reason or time to not grieve or experience righteous anger; but let it be clear that bitterness is poison that rots the bones. Anger, resentment and separation from God are all ploys o the enemy are are traps. King Solomon states it clear in Ecclesiastes 1:2-3 Vanity of vanities, say the Teacher, vanity of vanities! All is vanity. What do people gain from all the toil at which they toil under the sun?’ (NIV) One needs to reflect for a moment about exactly how much vanity comes with being unforgiving? Isn’t really the focus of the unforgiver on self? And isn’t that focus meaningless when Jesus is the One who paid the price for our forgiveness? The focus of the unforgiver certainly is not on that of Jesus which therein lies the problem! And what comes with the wrongly placed focus? Vanity and toiling of course. It’s a downward spiral to the grave. It is when you recognize that allow your mind to get involved with anything destructive will destroy; your life will change.
Your life changes when you forgive. You are not the same as you were the moment before. Your ideas, thoughts, mannerisms, responses and interactions with people change. Your relationship with Christ changes. You change. Your life as a whole changes. The meaning and purpose of your life changes. Nothing is as it was nor will be as it is and it cannot be what it is at this very moment. This ministry would not be in existence because the very foundation of it required forgiveness. You, when you forgive, are a new creation in Christ simply be making the choice to be obedient. It is not about lip service for self glorification. People see through that. And that; is easy. Forgiveness is not; until you master it.
Bottom line is this: if you are sick and tired of being sick and tired it’s time to do something about it. It’s time to stop playing church and appeasing people. It is time to stop looking in the distorted mirror and seek the Truth. The truth is that there is a full life waiting for you. There is everything you could ever dream of and when you forgive; your life will change. You will move toward who you were created to be to do what you were created to do and for His glory. And that beloved; is how you change when you forgive.
Forgiveness is one of those tricky things that until you get it; it makes no sense. When it comes to forgiving others when they don’t deserve it; that can make it all the more tricky. It’s hard when someone hurts you and you have to be the one to forgive. Sometimes it’s not fair; but let it be known that it wasn’t fair when Jesus carried that cross for you and for me either. And so when it comes to forgiveness forgiving others when they don’t deserve it is just part of life.
So how do you do? Why should you do it? Well; I can give you the obvious. It’s a command. But that doesn’t typically justify it for most people; especially in our self gaining society. It’s not fair that we have to forgive when others did us wrong but here is the thing that must be stressed that I want you to get today.
Your level of forgiveness isn’t about what others have done to you. Period. I want to say get over it but that probably wouldn’t help much so let me share it another way. Your level of forgiveness is between you and God. Period. When you get that your life will change. And I wish someone told me that decades ago. You see; when you forgive you are focusing more on Christ and how He can redeem you than focusing on what others did to you that you can’t change.
When we look outward instead of upward we miss the point. We miss the point of Christ on the cross. We miss the point of His obedience and in laying down the foundation of it along with the message of forgiveness. There is nothing that can’t be done on your behalf but you have to choose. You have to choose to let go what others have done to you. You can harbor it but for what point? What will it get you? Let me tell you what it got me: bitterness, anger, broken relationships, separation from Jesus and a whole lot more. I didn’t feel justified in forgiving others because I was the victim; seriously. I was the victim. But is there the thing. The longer you choose to stay the victim you are just more disobedient and rebellious to God’s Word. And that isn’t a place that I wish for you to stay-trust me!
And so when we examine this further your level of forgiveness is about you making the choice to go to God and lay down you ego. You cannot ‘Edge God Out’ while ‘Edifying God Only’ as you cannot serve two masters. When you go to Him and relinquish the pain of what happened, the emotional attachment to how it made you feel; and what you have harbored you will be restored. You will be restored one step closer to the real you that God intended from the beginning. And all of this has nothing to do with other people or whether or not they deserve to be forgiven. Why? Because the very same thing could be asked of you. Do you deserve to be forgiven for the pain you have caused? What makes you any different? And case in point Jeffrey Dahmer got it- he gave his life to Christ before He was murdered in prison. In other words- none of us are deserving and when we remove our own idea of judgment of right and wrong and understand grace and mercy- we are changed.
If you look at those who have harmed you ask yourself if they truly knew what they were doing. Jesus said it clear: Forgive them Father for they know not what they do. And if we follow that how much do any of us really know what we are doing? So then how possibly are we to the ones to play God and choose whether or not to forgive when the Word tells us to forgive. It’s for our protection, healing, peace of mind and obedience that we must remove everyone and everything else from being a distraction so we can place our focus where it should be: our relationship with Christ and obedience for obedience is worth more than sacrifice.
The best news of it all is that when you release the pain of the hurt you are free. The more free you are the more able you are to love and see people as Jesus. The more love you have within you the more you are then able to follow the greatest commands which are to love the Lord your God and love your neighbor as yourself. Whether or not someone else is deserving of your forgiveness then isn’t even the focus because you seek the best things; the things above. And that is where the true freedom is. Recognize that regardless of where you are or they are; you and we are all the same. So forgive. Be the example of freedom that frees others. Jesus did it for you. So be like Him and do it too.
In today’s economy businesses need an advantage; no doubt about that. There is much competition and too many choices for consumers to simply go elsewhere. Some companies focus on being faster while others pride themselves on customer service. All of this is great; except if the employees are living with a hidden secret it is to the downfall of the company. The pitfalls of unforgiveness in business are drastic and not to be hidden any longer.
See; unforgiveness kills. It’s a heart condition that spreads like cancer yet most people recognize it not. If you want your business to flourish deal with the root that is causing the problem. Most problems people have it not external but internal.
1. Unforgiveness decreases cohesiveness among employees. Unforgiving people are not pleasant to be around. Period. If your desire is for your employees to get along and to work as a team; each person is accountable and responsible for what he or she is bringing to the table. If any person in the team allows unforgiveness to enter; then count on the rest of the cousins to come to: bitterness, resentment and perhaps a little bit of anger. It’s hard to expand and grow together when internal strife is what is sitting at the meeting. It’s hard to move toward a healthy positive goal for a company with internal baggage not dealt with. Sure you may think you can put it aside but if that were the case there wouldn’t be so many angry people living in nursing homes! Time doesn’t heal wounds- forgiveness does. Forgive and deal with it for the sake of everyone around you.
2. Unforgivenesses negatively impacts the level of customer service. Customer service is a vital part of any business an if your front line employees are suffering from unforgiveness; chances are the customers feel it. It comes out in the form of impatience, irritability; and again the cousin of bitterness. The other carry along symptoms are some jealousy and envy. Those living in unforgiveness are known to typically have a difficult time serving others because of the baggage and burden of what they carry. Sure one may try to be nice; although most don’t need a degree to spot a phony! I remember working in retail paying my way through college and the holidays were especially tough. I hated seeing all the happy people in the mall shopping and being together. I didn’t have what they had and I was jealous and envious. It carried into my level of service. I couldn’t see it at the time; although of course hindsight is 20/20. I share this with you so that you and your team can deliver the best service with the best right people in the front lines. As forgiveness changes the hearts; it changes the service and the level of it.
3. Unforgiveness inhibits promotion. Because unforgiveness keeps people hindered in relationships; it’s hard to climb the ladder. Not playing well with others is a sign of unforgivness because those living in it are good at being victims of the past. What must be recognized is that everyone has a past and until it’s overcome through forgiveness; the level of promotion will probably not be likely. Promotion includes the ability to lead and if you can’t properly get along with yourself then who else would want to be along for that journey? Those following or attempt to would merely suffer the consequences at the hand of someone your unforgiveness.
As a result; unforgiveness is something to be taken serious in a personal and professional life. Most think it’s just something to be talked about perhaps once a year during the holidays at a church here and there. The thing is that it is vital to the success in life. It is vital to the success in marriage an the health of it. And if you want to be climbing the ladder, to be a leader; to be the next best CEO forgiveness and unforgiveness alike will have that impact on you and your business. Make the choice today to make forgiveness the priority for you and the health of your employees and their better health will impact yours.
With forgiveness comes many benefits. Alike; through unforgiveness there are many consequences. One must choose. The benefits of a lifestyle of forgiveness are vast in nature and should you want to live in victory or in abundance of God’s Word; then forgiveness must be the choice. Of course today there are simply five; but rest assured there are many more available to those who are ready to receive.
1. Forgiveness Brings Emotional Stability. Unforgiveness and forgiveness both bring emotions; it’s simply a matter of which emotions you wish to exhibit. Through unforgivness comes such emotions as depression, anger, impatience among others. When forgiveness is the chosen path; you will be choosing one filled with joy, peace, patience. When what kills is replaced with what brings life; it is reflected in every area of life and the emotions are one such way that your life will change.
2. Forgiveness Delivers Better health. What’s on the inside manifests outward. It doesn’t matter if good or bad; both manifest outward. Unforgiveness is known to be linked to arthritis, hypertension and other painful ailments. The best way to get healing obviously would be through Jesus Christ since He is the Healer; but also through forgiveness in His name. See; Acts 3:19 is clear to ‘Repent, and seek forgiveness so that times of refreshing may come.’ (NIV) It is through this that there can be deliverance. When internal clutter is removed it allows the body to be transformed. In my personal life; when I forgave those who hurt me my eye color changed. I was no longer who I was and my physical body showed it. Forgiveness really is the greatest weight loss and cheapest face lift!
3. Forgiveness Enhances relationships. The best way to enhance your relationships and even keep them is to forgive. Harboring unforgiveness only keeps people at a distance from you and it decreases your ability to create any time of intimacy. It is bondage that protects when in actually it doesn’t protect it harms more! Unforgiveness along with its symptoms diminishes partnerships, friendships, marriages and any other type of relationship it can. Be on watch and forgive so that your relationships will be enhanced through forgiveness.
4. Forgiveness Increases in opportunities. With a clean and forgiving heart there is love; and more love than you can ever imagine. And who doesn’t want to be part of that? Who doesn’t want to experience love? Through forgiveness opportunities will increase simply because of what flows from you to others. Forgiving people are patient, they are givers, they are enjoyable to be around. Those traits in and of themselves are those that will increase opportunities. If you want better business deals, more effective employees; a date or better marriage forgive. It will change your life.
5. Forgiveness Allows the ability to grow closer to God. Anything you choose in life not of God is not of God and will not bring you closer to God. Period. It is not possible to be for God and then make choices that go against His Word. It’s like saying you love life and then choose abortion; or saying you are for God and hating Israel. The two cannot coincide. Forgiveness removes the separation from God and not only grows you closer to Him; but also increases your wisdom, understanding of Who God is; and the purpose for your life. You cannot know why He created you unless you know Him. It is through obedience to Him and forgiveness; that your life will change. Trying to get from God through disobedience does not work. It cannot. Let us not forget it was His Son who died for your sins. It is through His Son that you can grow in relationship. Forgiveness is the doorway.
In the end forgiveness is life changing. There is nothing that will enhance your life more than forgiveness; and nothing that it will steal your life than unforgiveness. It’s your choice what you will have in your life and the steps that you are willing to take to get it. The benefits of a lifestyle of forgiveness are the expectation and requirement of every Believer. The benefits of a lifestyle of forgiveness are designed to give you life in abundance; and to the full.
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People have expectations. Such is life. It’s when people have and place expectations on others that can cause more problems than people realize. What most don’t realize is that most will have an expectation. Society has expectations. Churches have expectations. Companies have expectations. Families too have expectations. None are immune. For me it was a few days ago when I expected that the person in line in front of me to order his food would have been ready to order after standing and waiting for 4 minutes. But no; the person had to think about it. But I digress. It’s when you recognize that just because people have expectations; how you interact with them is on you. Just because someone sends you a text for instance; doesn’t mean you have to reply in .5 seconds. Forgiveness of the expectations of others is what can set you free.
You see; everywhere you go there is an agenda. The enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy so it reads in John 10:10. Now you define who the enemy is in your life. is it the media telling you what to think? Perhaps the advertisers of companies making you believe you need to have a new cell phone every 2 months. Or maybe it’s your family pushing you to have children when you haven’t even decided you want to marry the person you have been dating a hot minute. Don’t want that law degree? It doesn’t matter what it is. You need to be on watch so you don’t fall into the trap of what others want to put on you to live. You are the one living with the consequences of the choices that you make. Forgive others for putting something on you that they don’t even know they are pushing!
Jeremiah 29:11 is clear that God has a plan for you. God does! Now the caveat is that it is your responsibility to get it. Once you get your assignment from God then the expectations and plans of others are of no issue or consequence to you. So where does one begin in gaining and living in freedom?
1. Recognize that others have a plan for your life. It doesn’t matter who the ‘others’ are because it’s just you recognizing it.
2. Forgive those who have put their plan for your life upon you. They probably are not even aware of what they are doing.
3- Forgive yourself for falling into the trap of allowing the plans of others to become yours. Whatever you allow in your life is responsibility.
4- Ask God to reveal His purpose and plan for your life. And guess what? He will!
5- Start living it! There is no time like right now for you to start living!
People typically will do what they know how to do. And for you; it’s simply forgive the plans and expectations and get to living your most abundant life without barriers!
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If I were to ask you how your relationship is with your pastor what would you say? How about your relationship with your church? How about Jesus? God? The Holy Spirit? The church in America is and has been in trouble for quite some time and forgiveness must reign when or should a church you are in splits. Jesus should and must always be the center of everything for His Word is clear that you shall have no other Gods before Him; and yes that would mean the god of pastor worship and religion.
You see; when people get so caught up into their church that should it split; it’s much more challenging to overcome. it’s the devastation to those who didn’t see it coming. It’s the pain of loss of trust and the reality of the truth; nothing will ever be as it once was. Now it’s not to say that it isn’t difficult for everyone involved but if your focus is in a place of people focus and not God focus; you may be blindsided. You may be blindsided to the fact that your pastor is not God- and that is not a good place to be.
Recognizing that a church is made of imperfect people should it splits forgiveness must reign. You see; pastors are people. As with anything some are honest and most are. They are men and women who love the Lord and serve honestly their congregations. Some pastors also prove to be liars and very very good at it. They probably have no clue that it’s their lies and deceit that causes their congregations to fall. And even in the midst of this; each person is still accountable to God for his or her actions therein. Forgiveness must be in the hearts of all involved in any church split.
So how does one forgive or even get to a place of forgiveness? Where does one even start?
1. Forgive the pastor for his faults. Pastors are men and women and not perfect. “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” so it reads in Romans 3:23. Should you choose to harbor unforgiveness and judgment toward that pastor it will be what is in your heart; and that would not be of God. Now of course it isn’t to say that the pastor should not be held accountable; however, God is the one who will judge. Let me remind you that it was ‘God’ who used a hailstorm to annihilate the enemies and they all fell dead. So you don’t have to do anything but stay focused on forgiveness and let God do what God does!
2. Forgive yourself for any involvement. Now you may say you weren’t involved in the church split; although perhaps by being there you were. Perhaps you actually knew something at some point and did nothing. Doing nothing in silence is still doing something. You may also want to seek God for what caused you to not only be there, but stay there too. There is a reason why and maybe the Holy Spirit revealed to you long before it was time to go; and yet you didn’t. Remember that obedience is worth more than sacrifice. You want to ensure that you are on the right track with God so just clear the path with forgiveness between you and He.
3. Forgive the church for the pain it caused. Church splits cause much pain. They destroy relationships, they destroy congregations, they destroy the unity in the body of Christ; and they even cause people to simply walk away from Jesus. What must always be recognized is that Jesus is not a church building only open Sundays from 10am-2pm. This is why a relationship with Jesus must be the center of everything! Pastors and churches are two separate things; although may people just combine them as one. The pastor has a role and the church has a role. Make sure you that you are living in forgiveness of both the pastor and the church for pure freedom in Christ!
4. Be thankful. This obviously is a challenge to be thankful for such an experience that can devastate many lives; however, God’s Word is clear: “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thes 5:18)(NIV) God isn’t unaware of what has occurred. He is aware of your level of thankfulness and your forgiveness- and where your heart is. Thank God that you are moving forward in a new direction. Thank God that there is freedom in the truth! John 8:32 says it straight: “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” Sure it may be a strange way to get set free; but at least you would be free.
Churches and people everywhere; including you need forgiveness. None are immune. None are perfect. What is most important is that whatever happens in life; your level of forgiveness is your responsibility and you are accountable for what you do. It doesn’t matter what anyone else does but what you do that is of importance. Should a church you are part of split; forgive. And then live. And forgive and live in thanks.
One of the largest issues facing many cultures and countries is fatherlessness. Children growing up without fathers are losing out. Whether or not a single mother raises her children; she still is not a father. A woman simply cannot teach a boy how to be a man. Just as much as the opposite is true. Men are needed and fathers must be elevated and celebrated. A father is more than what today’s society gives them credit for. We as a society cannot bow down or accept the notion that men are women, women are men; or that men and fathers are not needed. Without men- where would we be? The feminizing and diminishing of men and fathers needs forgiveness so that hearts and minds of people everywhere can change.
You see; men bring much to the table that people don’t recognize. Until we move beyond the mass media plan to remove men and fathers for all things women we won’t see the value of men. Imagine reading a Bible without King David; or even Jesus. Try reading a Bible without Adam and see how far you would get. There would be no life without a father; and God is the Father of it all. Whether you agree or disagree does not change the truth from being true. Men and fathers are needed. They have value. Period.
When we remove men and fathers from the equation we miss out on much. For example,
- 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes
- 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes – 32 times the average.
- 85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average. (Center for Disease Control)
- 80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes –14 times the average. (Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26)
- 70% of youths in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes – 9 times the average. (U.S. Dept. of Justice
- 24 million children (34 percent) live absent their biological father.
Children lose out and in big ways when fathers are not present. Just because a woman’s voice is louder does not mean men and fathers need not be heard. It is time for all to stand up for fathers!
The importance of fathers is one that cannot be escaped; regardless of what propaganda companies and the media want to distort your thinking to be. While sure there may be many fathers who are deadbeats; this does not excuse the scripture that makes it clear in 1Peter 3: “Wives, respect and obey your husbands in the same way. Then the husbands who do not obey the word of God will want to know God. They will want to know God because their wives live good lives, even though they say nothing about God.” There is a responsibility that women have to men and men have to women for it reads that men should love their wives. Just because a man or father may not be standing up as a woman would; isn’t because he isn’t able. It may just be that he has been so beaten down that his voice is gone. It’s time for forgiveness and reign and fathers to pick themselves up and women to be in the role of help mate so that we can live united in this society.
When men are disintegrated to nothing more than kleenex and portrayed as disposable it builds the stage for future generations to live in it. We as a society stop this eradication of men and what they contribute to society because we are only hurting ourselves in the long run. The Word commands all to honor their mother and father. It does not read honor their mother and mother. Hence; men are fathers and should be honored. Society needs to be reminded that it’s men who are leaders, breadwinners; men of God. Warriors and hero’s for their children. It’s men who are the majority of world leaders. It’s men God first created to begin mankind.
Through forgiveness on the parts of men for not standing up for themselves, women for diminishing men; and companies movements to feminize men we will be better able to see the value of men as a whole. We will be able to raise up future generations of children who will be in position to stand firm as boys to young men to men raising up their own future generations. This is a call of repentance of believing its acceptable to live in a society where men are not needed and that women are fathers on fathers day. It is an act of purest disrespect to dishonor people in such a way and if we all want restoration of our families it must begin with forgiveness. Forgiveness will restore families and through it; help us each to get over ourselves to recognize that we all must stand together united as a house or country divided cannot stand.
As we get closer to Fathers Day remember fathers. Remember the sacrifices they have made. While your father may not be the one you wanted; reflect and be thankful to God your Father who gave you life. Reflect on the fact that He will never leave or forsake you. He created you for a purpose and most likely it was not to put down a gender or role of another. And so on this fathers day relish in the fact that you have the power to be the change that the next father needs to raise up the next generation. And what an absolute blessing that is!
People are people. And people in the church are no different. Life changes when you get this revelation; at least it did for me. It’s a sad day when the truth is revealed. So then how do you handle it when you truly see the devastation caused by those in church leadership? How do you go forward when what you thought to be really wasn’t ever anything at all? How do you decipher truth from fiction? You forgive. Is it hard? Absolutely. But for your sanity, freedom and future you must forgive.
If you have ever attended a church and or been part of a church split you know the difficulty of it. If you have ever been spiritually abused you too know how hard it is to forgive. Those in leadership probably did things that you don’t even want to talk about. They probably stole years from your life and deceived you right there while praising the Lord Almighty singing and dancing. They probably did much more damage than you are even aware of. While it may take years to overcome you must forgive. Your life is too precious to live in the bondage of other people’s deception. When you put your trust in those in leadership roles and they fail you; things change. You must change too. What must you forgive?
1) You must forgive yourself putting more faith in man than God. It’s a weird thing to me how many people talk more about how wonderful their pastor is compared to what Jesus has done for them. ‘Oh my pastor says this, says that’ and on and on- but what does Jesus say? If you are relying more on man’s word than God it’s an issue. Ask yourself if you put your pastor or leader above God in the idolizing and then repent and seek forgiveness according to Acts 3:19. The Word is clear that you shall have no other gods. That includes the god of pastor.
2) You must forgive yourself for allowing their poison to put you in bondage. The bondage that others are allowed to put you in is by your doing. They will continue to pour into your life all things terrible so long as you allow them to. It doesn’t matter what they have done; your level of forgiveness is what is required and between you and the Lord. From personal experience; it was the leaders that taught me so much and then turned on me it hurt. I never imagined that they were just so hateful. Never. The worse thing about it was that they didn’t even hide it. Nope. I’m not sure if that is good or bad but it surely was out there without a doubt. It personally changed every single thing in my life and my prayer is that regardless of what they have done you no longer accept them to have that control. Those who like and thrive on control will continue to use it as a breeding ground. And their behavior is not a reflection of God. And your unforgiveness toward yourself or them won’t be either.
3) You must forgive them for their wicked, evil and vile ways. The wolf in sheep’s clothing is moving to and fro- do you see it? If you are not paying attention you won’t. If you are not careful to forgive and do it quick; they win. Their wickedness can destroy you if you are not careful. If they choose to live like Jezebel; let them. It’s not how you want to live! And in case you don’t know- Jezebel was mauled by dogs. Best to get them out of your system and move on toward more important things; like giving God the praise and glory that you are no longer being under that leadership and authority!
In many cities church is business. I remember moving to Dallas and everyone asking me ‘what church do you go to’ as though it was a status to say this one or that. It made me miss my old church in Denver that much more. I don’t follow church; I follow Jesus. It’s that simple. You see; it isn’t about being followers of leaders of churches to the point of elevating and worshiping them. It simply isn’t. It isn’t even about church if you get to the core of it. It’s about an intimate relationship with Christ and when you get away from that; things happen. And when they do; the damage is more than most can handle. When you walk straight with Christ and your brother in leadership falls; it’s forgiveness that is easier to fill your heart. Does it mean it’s easy? No just easier because you will have the Rock to stand on. When you are with Jesus you can rest in peace knowing that He will never leave you or forsake you. What better leader to have than that?
Forgiveness is a challenge for most people and with good reason. People hurt people and more often hurt people hurt people and being forgiving of that when it’s not deserved is not easy. Forgiveness is a process. Forgiving a psychopath is even more difficult! The good news is that it is doable as God’s Word tells us so.
The question of the sociopath brings in an entirely different level of forgiveness because of how the sociopath is known to maneuver through life. When you understand the traits of the sociopath then the picture of forgiveness will be more complete in the areas of what to forgive for your own sanity. Know there too is a difference between a psychopath and sociopath and today it’s about the sociopath. Remember that forgiveness is about you and is between you and God and that is what must remain the focus.
To understand the traits of the sociopath here are a few:
1) They are Manipulative and cunning. The underline goal for the sociopath is to deceive people of course without them knowing it. The underline purpose is power and control; of course without your knowledge.
2) They lie. And lie. And lie. And then lie about what they just lied about; and most likely right to your face. What makes it worse is that they believe their own lies; except you don’t really know which lie it is that they are believing because it’s all lies.
3) They feel no shame, guilt or remorse. Most people feel something when they do something wrong. Not the sociopath. There is no such thing. This is why forgiveness is challenging with them because most people want someone to acknowledge or feel something about causing pain. But for the sociopath there is no such emotion which leaves most victims in unforgiveness. This of course is until they recognize it.
4) They are intelligent. This is what makes them so dangerous. They are highly intelligent and most know it; which makes their manipulation that much more believable because they know what they are doing. The downfall though to many of them is that their pride of their intellect gets in the way. They tend to forget that other people too are intelligent and can see through their wicked and vile ways.
5) They dominate and control to win at all costs. Power and control are the foundational goals of the sociopath. Domination through manipulation, control through lies and winning above all. This is how they get it done. To someone who doesn’t understand this; they will be trapped in the web of the person and when they recognize it; it is harder to recover from.
In the end; forgiving the sociopath is challenging because what are you forgiving them for? Being a sociopath of course but also for all the rest of it too. See; when you break down the components of the sociopath into its components forgiving someone for all it changes the dynamics. It isn’t just about being a sociopath but also being a control freak, domineering, manipulator; and all the other things that come with being a sociopath. For the sociopath; forgiveness of self for each of the components would be something to consider because until each area is forgiven there will be an open doorway which can lead to further devastation.
The best news is that when you recognize someone truly is a sociopath and you forgive them; they no longer have any control of you or your life. They have no power as you took it. That is what hurts them the most. Now is it that you are out for blood. Of course not! You are out to live your life righteously and without the drama that comes with being around a sociopath. Not only this; you don’t have to worry about hearing lies or being manipulated by someone for their own self-propaganda agenda that really only has you as a pawn and not a person. You will be free and living in forgiveness and trust me; there is no better way to live!
There may be a time in your life when people come against you. If there is stand strong. People are people and always reveal their ways. The jealousy, envy, greed or just plain hate may come against you by those who you love or work with; or even those who hate what you stand for. Your religion or beliefs may cause hate but what you stand for is what is important. When they do come against you with nothing good in store the message for you is quite simple. Forgive. You must forgive.
You see; the important thing to remember is that what is in your heart is reflected outward. So ask yourself: what it is my heart? Revenge? Payback? Hatred? Don’t let it enter. Cast down those thoughts! Take them captive. You are worth more than the negative thoughts of what others have done to you.
Those who have anger and all things negative are revealing much about what is in their heart. Perhaps someone you work with is jealous of the promotion you just received. Forgive. If someone in your church has come against you for the favor that God has given you; forgive. If your ministry is growing at a faster rate than others and they don’t like it; forgive. Whatever it is against you forgive. Those that come against you have no clue to their ways; but the God almighty does! And God knows what your ways are too. Let them be in proper alignment with Him.
The only thing that should be your concern is your level of obedience to Christ. Period. What other people do is not of your concern. What other people say about you is not your concern. What other people attempt to do to you is not your concern. It really isn’t. The only concern is your obedience and forgiveness for it is the Truth that makes you free.
The Word tells us that the days are evil and the enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy. Knowing this- it should be so surprise when people truly show who and what they are. When they do; forgive. It isn’t about them anyway. It’s about you and your relationship with Him. And on this day make all things about you about the One who created you. And then you will see more of His glory in ways unimaginable.