There is a misconception about forgiveness. There always is. Many in the Church say there isn’t a lot on the topic; yet there is. Many think that forgiveness just means restoration and reconciliation; yet this too is a fallacy. Forgiveness yes restores one with the Father; however, there is much otherwise that it does not mean or do. So the question is: does forgiveness automatically mean restoration? Nope.
I used to believe it did. I used to think that once I forgave someone or someone forgave me that the relationship would be restored and all would be good. Makes sense right? That is until I came across Psalm 85. Then I saw what I believed for too long to be wrong. Check this out:
1You, Lord, showed favor to your land;
you restored the fortunes of Jacob.
2 You forgave the iniquity of your people
and covered all their sins.[b]
3 You set aside all your wrath
and turned from your fierce anger.
4 Restore us again, God our Savior,
and put away your displeasure toward us.
5 Will you be angry with us forever?
Will you prolong your anger through all generations?
6 Will you not revive us again,
that your people may rejoice in you?
7 Show us your unfailing love, Lord,
and grant us your salvation.
If you look closely in verse 1 it is clear that the fortunes of Jacob were restored. Got it. But keep reading. Stop at verse 4. Notice it was an ask for restoration. It is not automatic. It simply is not. You need to look no further although you really do.
See; when you forgive someone with an expectation of anything you are setting yourself up for something that perhaps you will not receive. Restoration is not automatic. I once was there thinking that forgiveness meant restoration and it was rather painful to be on the end of not receiving it. It was like purchasing a plane ticket and then learning that the ability to sit in the seat was a separate price.
If your relationships are not where you are expecting them to be through the process of forgiveness; it could be that you have not yet reached the level of restoration with the situation, the people; and the pain involved. Forgiveness is a process and so is restoration. They may come together but not always. Don’t trap yourself into expectations of anything other than being committed to the entire process for further fulfillment in your life.
If you are alive you have probably been hurt; and if you are not are probably an hour old and not reading this. Forgiveness is the one thing in life that will free or trap you quicker than most realize. So how do you get freedom through forgiveness? What does it do for you?
Forgiveness is a choice. It is a conscious effort to choose to let the sins and mistakes of others not burden you. If you are a Christian it is a display of obedience to Him above all. It is an act of love not only to the person that hurt you, but to yourself and of course to Jesus Christ. It is saying that “I love You more than I hate the mistakes others have made that hurt me. Therefore I forgive.’
It is easy to make the choice to forgive? Nope. I would by lying if I said it was. Unforgiveness was something I struggled with for many years of my life. I harbored all of it. I was hurt from the abandonment from my biological mother, the abuse from my adoptive family and on it went. I didn’t know it though. Most don’t either. They live in the deception of the ‘Oh I forgave’ yet the exhibit ‘all’ of the 30 symptoms of unforgiveness! Yes there really are that many and I have taught on each of them. The choice is yours. Do you want freedom for your future? Or do you want to stay where you are?
It’s really that simple. Forgiveness free. Unforgiveness is unforgiving. It’s unrelenting. It comes in the night like the thief to kill, steal, and destroy. And it does. When you make the choice to forgive though guess what? You are no longer bound to any enemy on the prowl for your soul. No not you. You are free to live. You are free to move toward your future in unimaginable ways. And how do I know? I am living proof!
The ability to forgive is powerful. Forgiving other people for their wrongs is a great thing indeed. The ability to forgive oneself is quite another. It is an absolute victory to come to a place of being able to forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made. It is the ultimate demonstration of self acceptance. It’s one that is hardest for most to grasp. What is interesting though; is the additional outflow of beauty that comes with self-forgiveness. Did you know that your personal journey of self-forgiveness impacts the lives of others? Yep. What you do with your forgiveness toward you impacts other people. How so?
1- It frees you to love more people- When people harbor unforgiveness toward themselves they stay focused on themselves. When focused on yourself it’s hard to focus on others which means you aren’t as equipped as you could and should be to love them right where they are. In other words you are in your own way.
2- It frees you to love people in new ways. People are people and none are different. When you understand that about yourself that you are no better or different than others you are free. When you forgive yourself you are even more free because the bondage that kept you from being free also has kept you from being free to love people in a way different than you have known. Your entire future will change as will relationships with those who enter your life.
3- It increases compassion and empathy toward others. When people live in condemnation, guilt, shame, regret and all the other lies it changes them. It’s hard to minister to someone from a negative place. How can you honestly help someone out of a pit that you are deeper in? When the act of self-forgiveness takes place and the filth is removed the process of healing and restoration takes place. It’s then that through interaction with others that increases in compassion and empathy takes place. It’s then that those interactions with others have more value because you my dear friend; are free. Simply free.
If you have ever been in a situation where you had to forgive yourself and you did; you can probably see when others are struggling with it. You know all too well the symptoms and manifestation of them. You know how grieving it is to live the quiet life of cover up and hidden shame. It’s one thing to hide it and other to be free from it. When you are entirely free of the mistakes you have made and are able to just accept and love yourself others will take note. They will see that freedom and will be drawn to you. They will know that there is something different and special about you. And yes there is. Through forgiving yourself you are displaying love and strength and who doesn’t need to have that as a little medicine on a daily basis. So go today; forgive yourself and then be the witness to change in others that have been waiting for you. You wont’ regret it.
The enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy. There is no doubt there is a bounty for your life. Every day there is an attack in new ways and if you are not watchful; you will be the next victim. Unforgiveness is the trap that steals your life without your knowledge; without you even having a clue that your life is slipping you by.
So the question is: is unforgiveness defeating you? Do you even know? Here are the tell-tale signs that unforgiveness has a foothold in your life:
1. You are living in a victim mentality. Everyone has been hurt; and you are not exception. If you are living in that mentality of what others have done this is a clear sign. You can choose to be a victim or victor but rest assured being powerful and pitiful at the same time cannot work! When you make the choice to forgive; your life will change.
2. Bitterness Reigns. Many people are deceived into thinking they are not bitter; when in fact everyone around them can see it, hear it, and feel it. Bitterness is spiritual poison and will rot the bones. Heck; even Harvard completed a study in 2009 with findings that unforgiveness and bitterness is linked to arthritis. If you have arthritis perhaps there is someone you need to forgive. When you harbor bitterness you are ineffective because people just don’t like being around bitter people. If you don’t want to live defeated; simply forgive.
3. Missed Opportunities or blessings. When people harbor unforgiveness their lives are defeated and those they could and should be a blessing to miss out. If you are not living your life with all the opportunities and blessings that are there for you there is a reason. It isn’t just ‘luck’ or ‘misfortune’ as it just isn’t. There is a reason. In my life I wasn’t ministering to all the people that I was supposed to be for that exact reason. I was blocking myself from receiving blessings and being a blessing to others. Once I learned the impact of unforgiveness everything changed.
Very simply put; unforgiveness kills. It steals much more than you can imagine and with over 30 symptoms of unforgiveness you may find that this is why you are not living to your full potential. If you think you have ‘no’ unforgiveness pray about that. I was there too and it wasn’t until I learned the truth that I was set free. I thought just saying I forgive was all I needed to do until I learned that it’s not lip service; but more. And don’t you want more of everything good in your life? Of course! So make today the day that nothing more is stolen from your life. You will be glad you did.
Forigveness is hard. Forgiveness of self for most is even harder. We all make mistakes. None are immune. Perhaps you are one who had an abortion, perhaps cheated; or even scammed employees out of their retirement. None of this? Maybe you killed someone while driving drunk or just murdered someone in a gang bang or drive by. Regardless of the mistakes you have made; there is hope and a future for you. The impact of self- forgiveness is something unimaginable until you have truly been there.
It’s not about just reciting a bunch of affirmations to say ‘I forgive myself’ and yippy yay. No. It is much much deeper than this. It is about the revelation and acceptance that 1) you make mistakes, 2) ‘How did I not know better’ will keep you in bondage, 3) ‘If only’ is a lie and trap, 4) you can and will move forward in life. The impact you will have after the fact will not only change you; but those around you and those around them and those around them.
It is hard to grasp at times what we as people do. Some things are harder to grasp than others. We all can look back on our lives and probably find something to regret- but why? It will keep you only replaying it day after day. Regret should have no part of your future. Forgiveness of self though should.
You are you right where you are although the question is: is it the real you? Are you really the you that your Creator intended? If you are harboring self-unforgiveness for the mistakes you have made you are not living. You just aren’t. You can’t. You are not living as the you that you were created to be. And isn’t it time?
Isn’t it time that you let go of the shame of the past? The condemnation and guilt? The regret? The embarrassment? The loss? The lack and all that comes with it? Isn’t it time to stop living in diminishing returns to get to your real life- the one that is and has been waiting for you?
You can have peace. It’s yours for the taking. It’s been there. Victory is yours all you have to do is fight to get to it; not for it. What are you waiting for? One more mistake to make so that you can fulfill your self prophecy? That doesn’t make sense. You were created for much more than that. You were fearfully and wonderfully made. Make today that you forgive yourself so that you can see that. Make today the day that you disallow anything to come upon your life that is a lie. Make today the day that you start living as you were created to be. You will be overjoyed that you did.
People and society will always have an opinion; whether a good one or not is really not relevant. It’s moreso the fact that others think that they have your life figured out when in reality they can’t even function in their own lives.
Society will always try to change you by telling you what you ‘should’ do. The media does it and people don’t get it. There once was a time when the purpose of the media was to report the news; those days are gone. Now the media just makes the news instead because people are proving incapable of making decisions for themselves.
And so it goes you have been deceived. You probably have been told what you should wear for the next season. You have been told what car you should drive; what neighborhood you should live in. You probably have been told that by now you should at least be married, if not already divorced with three kids you never wanted in the first place. Oh and you should have at least a BA or BS but in today’s world you really should think about getting that MBA if you expect to go anywhere in your career.
Yep. I heard it all. I heard all the shoulds known to man. I dated the man who actually told me, ‘You should dress like her, talk like her, and wear your hair like her. Then you would be beautiful.’ You should have seen his face when I walked out and never looked back. And don’t tell me I should have; unless it was just to see the look on his face. But I already knew.
So it begs the question: are you living the life you should be living? Or are you living the life others think you should be living? It’s a tough question I know. I once was there. I had the Bible teacher tell me that at age 37 I should have a teeanager because that is where I ‘should’ have been. There is a systematic order to how life goes you see. Yeah sure. I see the misery on the faces of all the people who followed what others said they should do. It goes the way it is supposed to go for each of us and it’s only until we stop the shoulds that we can be free.
If you are trapped into living what others think stop. Forgive yourself and do it quick. You don’t want to live for others who aren’t even doing it for themselves. That doesn’t even make sense. You are where you are and while it may not be where you want to be; you are the one to change that. No one else. Forgive yourself for falling into the trap that thinking the boring house in the suburbs will answer all your questions when in actuality you are miserable but just biting your tongue waiting to escape. Forgive yourself for not being true to who you were created to be. Life is short so don’t let another day go by where you think about what you should do instead of just doing it.
We all are where we are and the best part is that no one else can get you where you should be except for you. So today; where do you want to go? Where do you want to go that you know you should have gone back then? There is nothing stopping you; no more coulds or shoulds. Just you. Get out of your way, forgive, and get to where you are going! You can do it. How do I know? Because I did.
Regardless of times there always seems to be another woman for many. Even in the Bible Rahab was known to be the other woman so it shouldn’t be surprising that women haven’t changed much. Forgiving the other woman provides challenges without a doubt. While we could all blame the other woman it may surprise you to learn that women are at the brink out out-cheating men. It’s a wake-up call that if you are not taking care of your spouse someone else is. Now does this mean all people cheat. Of course not! Those who come out saying men were not created to be monogamous are just revealing their character. Those who do know what it means to be faithful and remain that way are revealing their character as well. 57% of men and 54% of women have admitted to infidelity at some point in their lives. The average length of an affair is 2 years years. The percentage of marriages that survive infidelity is 31. ( http://www.statisticbrain.com/infidelity-statistics/) This means that the odds for success are not in your favor! So it begs the question: what are you doing to protect your marriage? What are you doing to take care of your spouse? What are you doing period? It’s clear there is a war on marriage and that other people truly do not care if you are or are not married as in reality; if they did care an ounce about anyone but themselves they wouldn’t go after a spouse in the first place. Again their character is revealed. If you are a position of learning about the ‘other woman’ here are some things to help you go through the forgiving process. 1. Realize she may not know about you. The other woman may honestly not know of your existence! It’s not like many men are going to meet a woman and introduce themselves as married with children and then ask for an affair. The other woman truly may be as much a victim as his lies as you the wife may be. Of course there are those woman who do know but don’t get too upset and revengeful toward the other woman when she just may not have a clue. Forgive her for being what she is an move on. You have bigger fish to fry! 2. The other woman is not your problem. The other woman in your marriage is not your problem; your husband is. If he is having an affair then he brought her into your marriage. Period. Getting angry with the other woman won’t resolve your marital issues and in some cases; may create more. Your vows and marriage are between you and your husband; not the other woman. When women get sidetracked by the other women they don’t see the real situation at hand. The real situation is that there were problems in your marriage before there was an affair. Again; that has nothing to do with the other woman. Forgive her and get down to taking care of your marriage and family. Remember a house divided cannot stand. 3. She is not worth it. She is well; the other woman. She isn’t you. She isn’t the mother of your husband’s children. She isn’t respectable. She isn’t worth your grief. Why? Because you are a better woman than that to give time to such nonsense when you have a husband and marriage that needs to be your first priority. See; all too often women spend more time and energy being angry and revengeful toward the other woman instead of starting at the starting point. What caused your husband to cheat in the first place? Of course it was his decision but understand that both of you are in your marriage and cheating really isn’t the problem. Cheating is a symptom of the problem! Cheating has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else! If you want to keep your spouses eyes only for you then ask yourself today:”Am I doing what I need to do to take care of my marriage?” And then make changes from there. Don’t live not forgiving the other woman when you have more that needs your attention.
One of those most painful experiences in life outside of the death of a loved one; is learning of infidelity of a spouse. It’s heartbreak at it’s deepest form. The lies, the deception; the other person. Forgiving someone who is that selfish is hard to grasp. Forgiving someone who cheats is a challenge for many and with reason. Forgiving someone who thinks nothing of the marriage or even you is mind boggling to say the least. Forgiving a cheating spouse who makes the choice to destroy a marriage, a family or two; and futures is probably the hardest to understand. If you have been there then you know.
The great news is that you can forgive. Is it challenging? Absolutely! The process of forgiveness is one that takes people on a journey of the pain and grief of the loss, the anger that settles in, the resentment and unforgiveness that spill over into what once was. If you open your heart it will be transformed and your future will be waiting for you; as it always is.
See; there are times in life when we all think that life will go a certain way but what I’ve learned is that life is what happens when you make plans. I didn’t plan to be cheated on. I didn’t plan to lose a child. I didn’t plan for my life to be filled with what it’s been filled with. But- I did purposely intend for it to be filled with forgiveness. My prayerful hope is that regardless of what that cheating spouse did or does; that your heart too is filled with forgiveness. Why?
1) Forgiving a cheating spouse isn’t about him/her. People do what they do regardless your forgiveness is about you for you. People are people and well; hurt one another. We all have hurt others and have been hurt. It’s what we do with the hurt that changes lives for the better. If you want your life to be changed recognize that your forgiveness isn’t about the other person. It’s about you and the choice to forgive.
2) Forgiving a cheating spouse is about your freedom. Harboring unforgiveness steals. It steals your joy, your life; and your future. It keeps you trapped to what once was. I remember feeling resentful about the fact that I was the victim and he moved on with someone else and had a beautiful family; after he destroyed ours. And here I was- alone. It took me years to realize that my unforgiveness was was trapping me. It stunted my growth and the the walls of my life kept me dying in silence instead of being free in forgiveness. Once I made the choice to forgive everything in my life changed. Peace was restored. Joy overcame me. My life changed in abundance! And dear reader; I am no different than you. Forgiveness and your freedom is waiting. Don’t let the mistakes of others keep you in bondage. Model Liberty Ross experienced forgiveness after her husband Rupert Sanders had an affair with Twilight actress Kristen Stewart. She said, ‘“People need to learn to forgive.” she explained. “I have no problem with anyone involved. I’m completely compassionate. I really am. No life is perfect, we all have our problems and issues and I believe that it’s good to be true to who you are.”
3) Forgiving a cheating spouse is about living toward your future. You have a future waiting for you. You have a life with wonderful experiences that are waiting. There are people that need you. There are lives for you to bless and be blessed by. If you are reading this now; you are alive. If you are alive you have something to look forward to. When you make the choice to forgive a cheating spouse your future will open. Your heart can move toward freedom and peace in new ways. Your future can open more opportunities for receive and give love; to grow with others; and to let your forgiveness light shine.
For many experiencing forgiveness toward a cheating spouse it takes time without a doubt. Like anything in life; it’s a process. It’s about healing, restoration; and freedom. It’s about a heart issue and recognizing that while people aren’t perfect there is hope and a future for us all. It is about taking one step at a time toward what is waiting for you and that is your future. And my dear friend you are worth it.
The past is the one thing we all have in common; we have one. Yours is different than mine is different than my neighbors. Regardless of where you are; forgiving the shame that comes with it will set you free. There is no doubt as I am right here right now with this message. Freedom from the shame of your past is for you. You see; the past can and does destroy your future if you are not careful. Shame breeds itself in ways most don’t recognize. Forgiveness changes that; and it changes lives. To get free; forgive. Forgive the shame. Forgive the past. Simply forgive.
Forgiveness heals. Pain hurts and when not dealt with it continues to hurt. Life is painful and whether you are feeling shame from having an affair, an abortion; or even murdering someone going through the process of forgiveness will change your life. Oh you didn’t make those mistakes? Ok; forgive yourself for lyining to your parents, cheating in college, stealing from your employer; or kicking that little dog. Living in shame only breeds condemnation, self-loathing, embarrassment; and all the other cousins that truly do make life and the future unbearable. Forgiveness heals your heart allowing you to move forward toward self- acceptance. Forgive yourself today. Do it now.
Forgiveness changes your perspective. We all make mistakes; some larger than others. What’s ironic about this is that we think we are the deciders on the sin scale. Are you aware that Jesus died on the cross for you and that a sin is a sin is a sin? There is no measure of yours is bigger so you deserve less like many people believe. Even Jeffrey Dahmer was forgiven! Through one act of forgiveness not only is there healing but a perspective change. I learned years ago when I forgave my biological mother for abandoning me that there was another side to the story. Duh! My perspective about the situation and what truly happened changed. My perspective toward her changed. The shame I carried for so long about being a throw-away changed. I was no longer this person who was just dumped and not worthy; I became a person of purpose. I became a forgiver! Forgiveness reveals much more than you can possibly see when there is shame from your past living inside you.
Forgiveness frees. I wanted freedom for so much of my life but didn’t know what it looked like! It doesn’t come in the form of big houses and dollar signs! It doesn’t come in the form of luxury cars and love for a night. It can’t. Those things in some ways only breed more shame when they are not kept up because they were sought after for the wrong reasons. Forgiveness frees people from all the pain, shame; strife that is in life. We all have a past. We all have done things that we may not want to admit, accept or see; and the best news is that through forgiveness you can be free. Free indeed! He died to set the captives free and when I really grasped what that meant I was no longer a slave to the shame of what I had become. No longer was I bound by my wretched ways. No longer was I a prisoner in my own self. I was free through forgiveness. And you can be too.
If you are living in the past that bondage will keep you there. It will keep you being the victim instead of the victor. It will keep you being pathetic instead of powerful. It will keep you in religion and not relationship. It will keep you under instead of uplifted. It will serve nothing good in your life because it can’t. There is too much in your future to allow your past and the shame of it to be the center stage. If you are not experiencing true victory in your life then it’s time to forgive. If you spend more time thinking about the mistakes you made it’s time to forgive. Forgive yourself for what you have done. Forgive yourself what you have become. Forgive yourself for thinking you are less than what He says you are. it took me a long time to grasp that lesson dear reader; but now that I get it I am free. I am free to forgive and go live. It’s waiting for you too.
It’s not surprising in our self absorbed society to hear when a famous couple gets divorced. It happens daily and probably will continue as people continue to live more for themselves and their own likings. It’s just part of life. It is not possible to be in a healthy relationship and unforgiving at the same time. Perhaps we all could use a refresher of how to get over ourselves; and some more than others but I digress.
And so it goes; unforgiveness and divorce are linked. Unforgiveness does more harm to our lives than we realize and rightfully so as who truly wants to take the responsibility of looking in the mirror to recognize faults that are doing harm to self and others? I know I sure didn’t! Once I did though; my life and everything about it changed. If you are married and want to stay that way perhaps you should take a personal inventory so that you don’t lose the one relationship that you vowed would last until death do you part. In my post: https://julieblair.com/unforgiveness-causes-divorce/ I shared three ways that unforgiveness causes divorce and while you may think that is it; nope. Just wait! There’s more. Isn’t there always? On a topic as important as this we need to get it. The additional ways unforgiveness causes divorce are that it:
1. Depletes Intimacy– When couples are not enjoying each other’s company; the communication changes. Because you can’t not communicate you are still sending messages although not the ones of love and passion. When husbands withdraw from their wives it is as painful for the wives as it is when wives withhold sex from men. The level of rejection both feel through that separation leads to much change within each person, their marriage and into the rest of the family. Everything within a marriage starts in the bedroom and if the bedroom is as stiff as many boardrooms it’s evident what isn’t occurring. Forgiveness will restore that intimacy.
2. Builds Bitterness- Bitterness is spiritual poison. It rots the bones. It destroys the heart. Those at Harvard know this; even though it’s in the Bible in the Book of Ephesians. The Harvard findings in a 2005 reveal found that forgiveness reduces stress on the heart. Bitterness is a symptom of unforgiveness and the longer a spouse is bitter the more poison there will be in that marriage and as a result; the entire family. Bitterness and marital bliss cannot cohabitate. It’s better to not allow bitterness to rot your bones and wreck your life!
3. Keeps you self- focused. Unforgiveness in a marriage will keep the unforgiving party focused on self. It is not possible to be loving, forgiving and self-focused at the same time. When people are unforgiving it shows. It is reflected in their behavior, what they talk about, how they talk; and every other thing in the unforgivers life that revolves around self. To it’s end; a self-focused spouse will in the end leave the other with feelings of abandonment, rejection; and in the arms of another. People are not perfect and unforgiveness will blind you to this. If you are more focused on what you want for your own personal gain in your marriage; ask yourself if there is something your spouse did that you have yet to forgive. You probably already know the answer.
The bottom line is that unforgiveness kills. It destroys. It comes like the thief in the night; when you least expect it. It infiltrates lives and marriages to the destruction of them and if you are not quick to forgive you may be its next victim. Don’t be a statistic. Forgive. Your spouse will thank you. You will thank me. And we all will live happily ever after.