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Are You a Dating Watering Hole?
Online dating for some is the best thing in the world; no high bar tabs, plenty of babes to browse through and all from the couch or bed any time of day. What a playground right? What more could a single person want? Options for this or that without much effort or commitment. A dream come true.
It’s easy to meet people and then play the game. The question is: do you know if you are being played? Are you the watering hole that they don’t want you to know about? What’s a watering hole you ask? Let me explain and help you identify if you are one.
The watering hole is the situation that many men and women find themselves in. It’s where they think that the person they are spending time with is interested and then he or she disappears and then he or she is interested again. Perhaps you have been there. The person is too busy with work, their son is sick; there are issues with the ex- wife. That person may like you although if the person was truly interested in you that person would do more than put you on layaway.
You may hear about the need for distance over the phone but probably not. See; it’s much easier to be a deceiver through texting because you can’t hear the voice crack while the lies come out and the person definitely wouldn’t show enough respect to share anything in person for the fear of noticeable deception and time that it would take. The person may be so kind to ask you to ‘not give up on him’ or something to that effect when in reality you were just placed on layaway while better options are being explored. If you were the best option you would know.
Then it happens. The sweet text a couple or few months later stating something like, ‘Hi gorgeous. Beautiful weather isn’t it’ or something to that effect. It’s whatever is needed to start the conversation on a high note. You may or may not recall the person if you are active in deleting people of irrelevance in your life so you go through the steps of inquiring and receive the response of who it is with the reminder of great things; how you are and bla bla. It’s all an attempt to get in your good graces.
Now understand; if the person were interested from the beginning in more than a game that person would know how things are because that person would never have let you go in the first place. Do not be deceived to the circumstances because the facts remain. You were let go.
The other thing to take note of is when those pesky texts come in. If they are late night well; what on earth might that mean? Gee; are you worth nothing more than that? Did that person’s last conquest end so you are first on the thought list when drunk? Isn’t that special? Of course if you are a man you may be thinking ‘Great. I’m on the list!’ For women it’s probably an insult so be wise to what is really going on and examine what placement you are going to allow yourself to be in someone else’s life.
Bottom line is that there are always people who want to explore but not commit; fly away for other exploration and then return to you the better one. If you are the one that people do this to then you are the watering hole. If you are fine with always be second or third option great; but my guess is that you are a man and woman of more value and worth being the first and only option. Don’t you think?
There is no one like you. Some of you may be thinking ‘no kidding’ but know it’s true in the best way possible. You are unique; you were created one of a kind. There is nothing that anyone can do exactly like you. You were created to be you and there is no other.
Sometimes in life we get so caught up in the frenzy of living that we don’t recognize what we actually bring to the world. Think about it. When was the last time you were truly recognized for who you are and the value of you and not what you have done for the benefit of a company’s profit.
So on this day the value that you bring is larger than you think. The value of your smile to someone thinking about taking his or her life. The value you bring to your family even when you say nothing at all. The value of your ideas that will be tomorrow’s life saver. The value of your heart that you have that is shown to the world shared even when you are sleeping. The value of friendship you offer to those in quiet places that only need someone as strong as you to be a friend. There is never anything that can take away the value of you; unless you beleive the lie and accept you have none.
You were wonderfully made. You were hand crafted for a special purpose with special meaning; and there is value in that. You are the head and not the tail and were created to live above and not below. You are a masterpiece; beautiful in every way. You are one of a kind and that my friend is invaluable.
Let me first start by declaring it bold: YOU are needed. Yes you. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing; or however you are feeling today you are needed.
The feeling of not being needed is a trap; especially for single people who have no children. The purposelessness can begin to overtake that person into a depression and let it be clear that regardless of what your marital or parental status is; you are needed.
You are needed for what you bring to those around you. You have a smile that shines ever so bright. You have a laugh that many need on those days when their children and spouse are more than what they want. Your strength in heart and muscle are needed for those who simple need you.
For so long I lived my life not recognizing this. How could I? I was abandoned as a child, lived in a foster home; homeless at 15 and single. Who on earth would need me? What would I be needed for? I couldn’t quite grasp the concept until well; I got beyond myself to see that I wouldn’t be here otherwise. I am needed and you are too. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Don’t ever underestimate the fact that you are needed. You may never know when someone who is hurting would be blessed by you. If you fall into the trap of not seeing it; you too will lose out on the blessing.
Let today that your little light shine and smile at those who may not be smiling. Smile because you have a purpose and you my friend are needed.
There is nothing that can take the place of a relationship; and I mean relationships with people. Yes I’m sure many of you have great relationships with your dog and that it may be better than that of your husband or wife; but rest assured this time it isn’t about the dogs. I love my little pug Olive just as much as anyone else loves their pet; however, there are some things that we need from other people.
It’s when we look at relationships we see there is much to gain from them; and also much to give. It’s only when we can sit back and look at the power that they bring to our lives. It’s amazing how much more we can accomplish when there is more beyond just us. It only takes a second to reflect on the people in our lives and what we can bring cooperatively to the lives of others.
What are your relationships like? Are they bringing you fruit? Do you enjoy them? Do you need a change? Are you better for the relationships that you have in your life? If not I challenge you to make this year the year that you get connected with those whose lives you can be a part of positive change and those who can bring that positive change to your life. You certainly will be glad you did!
In my life; I was without my mother for almost 30 years. You see; we were separated and recently united and there is nothing that can describe the transition of becoming a daughter to a mother I didn’t know. Needless to say it has been an experience and one that I wouldn’t change for anything. Again; together we can do more than we ever could apart.
There are many ways to get power in life; although doing it alone will always prove to be a tougher challenge if even at all possible. It doesn’t matter what type of relationship either. It could be someone you just met through a LinkedIn connection, someone at church; or even someone you met when you shared your sorrows over the recent Green Bay Packers loss. Either way relationships are part of life and the more you treasure the ones you have; the less you will be alone.
How far did you make it? Are you still going?
Last night I delivered a webinar about communication to a group of women. Men were invited although none were in attendance which was a shame as the perception from men would have been nice. Anyway; the topic of texting came up.
What was of interest is the number of women; some single, some married who all shared that the hate texting and those who are dating were especially strong in their opinion of how much the men they go out with text. Interesting? Or normal? It depends on which gender you are I guess.
They asked how to combat the life of texting. Others wanted to know not specifically about texting; but how to have more face to face interactions with others. Well; it’s pretty simple. Set boundaries. Here are a few tips:
1- Recognize that you don’t have to accept what others expect. Just because someone sends you a text doesn’t mean 1) you have to reply that instant, 2) that you have to allow it at all. If you don’t want to respond right when it comes in; then understand that you do not have to. It’s really an invasion to whatever you are doing at that moment. If someone thinks it’s appropriate to text you at 11:30 at night; then explain to that person that you don’t accept texts that late. Remember you don’t have to allow what isn’t right for you to become your life.
2- Explain your expectations/wishes/desires about how you want communicate. For example; one lady shared that she gets texts and phone calls from friends all day and she’s working so she can’t respond. By simply letting people know you will respond during whatever hours and that you are working this hopefully will decrease those interruptions. Now; if it doesn’t then take the next step as you evaluate if those people are even respecting you in the first place.
When my biological mother and I started our relationship there were a lot of boundaries to establish. My mother would call and scream at the top of her lungs how much she wished she never moved to Dallas. She hated life and wanted to go back to Houston. This was a daily thing; and very taxing to say the least! We had to talk about what was and was not acceptable if we expected to go forward. Once we worked through the root issues we were able to progress and now have a healthy relationship.
3- You not establishing boundaries for you is your fault. If you don’t ever set boundaries for how others communicate with you; then you cannot complain about what you don’t like. You are enabling others to continue the pattern that they created and they will because why wouldn’t they? You will get what you get from others until you make the choice to communicate effectively with others what you need in your life.
There was a time with my biological mother where she treated me like her father treated her; as a servant. Instead of asking me for a drink at my home; she would hold her glass up simply say ‘more’. No please no ask. Just an order. Needless to say I was infuriated by how she was treating me. I started resenting her more than I had already hated her! Once I explained to her how I felt in how she was treating me our communication changed.
Overall; the manner in which we communicate has changed in recent years. No longer is it going over for tea in the afternoon; it’s an all day twitter fest, text fiesta; and everything else that is non-stop. Getting peace of mind comes with understanding what is and isn’t working for you; and then making the necessary changes to bring better communication and in the end; better relationships.