When you talk to your friends have you ever noticed if it seems to be more ‘report’ than ‘rapport’? The conversation isn’t about much other than each person just regurgitating the daily events and occurrences in his or her life. ‘I’m not dating so and so; and it’s fine. Work is the usual. The lawn needs mowed again. How about you? What is going on in your little world?’ And then the other person just does the same but maybe a little more excitement. Maybe. ‘Life is good. Bob has a job so I can’t complain. Janie is almost through her first semester at UT and Syracuse is in the Final 4. Not much else really; just waiting to see what comes next.’
Is this really what life is? A bunch of reports to people? Seriously? Unfortunately; yep.
I thought about this in my own life and felt saddened that that is what it seems to be. Everyone just gives updates and then goes back home to find more things to update life about. Is that where twitter came from or are we just bringing twitter into our personal relationships without a realizing it?
If this is a trend we are following as a society then what should we expect? The ability to interact with people and truly get to know them is dying; and quickly. If we don’t get beyond the reporting to asking people ‘how are you today’ and actual mean it then we are headed for more trouble than we can imagine. The divorce rate is already at an all time high and maybe, just maybe it’s because people care more about the report compared to the rapport.
Who today can you talk to? I mean really engage in conversation with and not just the stupid stuff that is irrelevant to who that person is at a core. How about your wife? How is she really doing? How is your husband beyond the ‘fine’ you may hear at the end of the day? How are your friends? Single friends- what is really going on with them? Do you even know or is it just covered up with the facade of new spring color trends?
I challenge you to get beyond accepting the outer and dig deeper. You will be surely surprised to what you may find.
We live in a society where friends come and go with the click of a button; which begs the question, ‘was that person truly a friend’? Are you a good friend? What makes you even think that you can say that?
I recently listened to a sermon where the pastor posed the question: ‘what makes up a good friend’ and it captured me because it’s something that I find myself really not thinking about much lately; if at all in any recent years. Sure there has been talk about not hearing from friends, needing to make new friends, how old friends are; but not much on how I am doing in that department. Maybe it’s time for a tune-up in that are. How about you?
The sermon continued on about the difference between being a servant and a friend which was definitely touchy for many because all so often it’s said that people on their judgment day want to be hear, ”Well done, good and faithful servant….’ which is fantastic; except leaving a little less than the title of friend. (or a lot) The pastor continued on to read, ‘I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.’
Being a servant is so one-dimensional in reality; or works based because it’s just acting instead of serving. When you look at the people in your life ask yourself: ‘Am I really being a friend?’ Do you know what is going on in their lives? Are you what you want to be in their lives? Are they what you want them to be in your life?
Being a friend is much more than we realize and not seeing it is such a shame. It’s only when we get away from the ‘click-it’ mentality will we be able to see our friends as friends and not just numbers on a wall. It’s when we look at them as the wonderful people that they are that we will be able to do more for them; to get out and serve- to make their lives better.
What can you start doing today for your friends? Start with your spouse as isn’t your spouse your best friend? Are you the friend to him or her that you should be? If you don’t have a spouse- find someone else! It doesn’t take much to get out and go be the friend that you want others to be for you.
What are you going to do? Share your ideas and let’s all be better friends for the sake of being a friend.
You may have read the title and thought to yourself, ‘sure. who doesn’t want better relationships’ but that never happens. People are people and we are all just stuck with them.
While this may be a negative viewpoint; although true as well, it doesn’t mean that your relationships can’t be better. How do I know? I used to have terrible relationships. Ironically enough; I am educated in the field of communication and have taught communication courses at the collegiate level for over a decade. It just goes to show I too have had to experience those relationships that are now not.
So that’s the secret? How do we get better relationships with people who just aren’t willing to change? How do we get better relationships from those who don’t see our point of view? Those who just never seem to listen to what we have to say? Those that just don’t seem to get it?
I will tell you plainly like I was years ago. Your problem my friend is you. Yep. I said it. You are the common denominator in all of those relationships right? If you want them to be better then why not focus on what you can do about making them better? I can surely tell you that you complaining about what they are instead of what you think they should will not get you anywhere. I tried that too.
What was ‘my’ problem? Why were my relationships not going the way they should have been? Why was I not fulfilled? Why was everything so difficult? Simple. I was unforgiving. You see; unforgiveness steals your joy. It robs you of anything pleasing and sweet. It is like the cancer that spreads ever so slowly that you have no idea what is going on until the pain is so deep that you can’t handle it any more. It exudes out of your body in ways that people don’t talk about at Sunday dinner. It brings with it bitterness, resentment and anger. It is sly like that snake just waiting to wrap it’s nasty head around you; all the while you go about your business complaining that everyone else is the problem. They are not my friend.
Forgiveness blocks your ability to be of service to others because it keeps you focused on being the victim. It keeps you from receiving blessings because people quite frankly; don’t want to be around you. It destroys who you are to the deepest core. Not this; hypertension and arthritis are linked to unforgiveness according to a Harvard study in 2007.
It is through forgiveness that your relationships can be restored. You can be healed and those people in your life can be forever changed by your one choice to forgive. It may be the hardest thing you ever do; but the most rewarding. You see; none of us are any different. We all have stories. I was abandoned by my biological mother, lived in a foster home and at 16 a homeless shelter. If you think I wasn’t unforgiving you are kidding yourself! Maybe you too can relate; or maybe something else happened to you in your past. The time is now to forgive that person. Now is the time to be free. Now is the time to live your life. The forgiveness isn’t about anyone else but you. Don’t you think that you are worth it?
When I made the choice to forgive my mother and all the people who hurt me; everything in my life changed. My heart changed, my eye color changed and even my choice changed. You may think that these are great but wait- there’s more! I was reunited with my biological mother. We have a healthy relationship and were even featured guests on The Today Show.
http://www.today.com/id/26184891/vp/38040165#38040165
Take it from me first hand; forgiveness steals so much. I would love more time back and maybe even some of those broken relationships; but the good news is that I am going forward free of what sucked the life out of me. And I can do it with my mother. If I had chosen to stay unforgiving there is so much that we both would have lost out on and I can’t imagine ever going back down that path. I hope that you don’t either!
There is so much more about forgiveness than I have time for in this post but this is the first step. You have to take an introspective look at yourself and see if maybe the real issues in your relationship are caused by you and your unforgiveness. If they are- stop blaming others and start fixing yourself. You will be glad you did!