The Eyes to Your Soul
The eyes reveal much. There is no doubt. What you see is something that should be paid attention to; or else the entire essence of the message is lost. There is no time to not see what is being revealed. Never. Not when what is what is being shared is probably the most personal and insightful intimate thing that the person is revealing. To ignore it is sin.
I speak at women’s conferences and retreats about beauty and image; although not from the perspective most think. Beauty isn’t about the focus on the outward person. It just isn’t. I do understand that men are visual so there is no need to dispute this. We know and yes we also know that women are visual too. The point is that true beauty goes beyond what people see initially and it’s so unfortunate that our culture is so focused on what they see instantly instead of what they would actually see if they took more than a second.
In a consumeristic society the trends are buy more of this, show more of that; leaving woman and young girls more confused than ever as to what beauty is. It’s unfortunate that as a gender we have lost our way. Beauty in reality should be reflective of the essence of a woman and with more healing from past wounds only allows the internal light of a beautiful to shine through.
When we cover our eyes from the pain from the past or use clothing to reveal what need not be to the world; we only distort the true message of our personal beauty and value. This must be undone. We cannot continue to allow our beauty to be hidden all the while letting society use us for the sake of selling what they deem beauty is when in fact it is nothing more than fleeting.
Years ago I tested a theory of a woman’s dress to the level of eye contact she received from others. The findings revealed the more revealing the clothing less eye contact the woman received. Whether or not the clothing choices were conscious or subconscious wasn’t the exact point. What was most telling was that of the women’s beauty and direct line to who she is was the most hidden. The clothing proved to be a distraction from what women wanted revealed. That saddened me then and still does today. It told me that women are deceived to thinking that they are nothing more than objects to be looked over instead of looked at. Nothing is further from the truth.
While we have a long way to go to get to the definition of what beauty is known this: the world and Word have different ideas of beauty. Don’t get caught up in what anyone other than He says about how beautiful you are; and how your eyes are the light to your soul. Work inward first as the more you do the more of your beauty will shine through; and it’s time the world gets to see your little light shine. Don’t you think?
I recently had a conversation with a women who was upset because a man in her life didn’t want a relationship. She couldn’t quite figure out what her issue was. She was trying and trying; and trying to do all the right things and it wasn’t working. So she tried more. Maybe this has been you. In listening to her I felt for her because I remember a time in my life where that was me. I thought that if I didn’t something different it would change things. If I did this; then I would get the results I wanted. If I did that he would have to see just how fabulous I was. The funny thing is that it never worked. It never does. It can’t. Let me explain.
A woman doing more to get a man isn’t going to get him. If he isn’t interested; he isn’t interested. No matter how many meals you cook, cards you send, sext messages you send it flat out won’t work. If you weren’t interested in a man would it work on you? Of course not! You may even go so far as to tell your friends that you have a stalker. You laugh yet know it’s true. So why would you expect that it will work if you do something? Are you really that much better, prettier, smaller waisted, bigger chested, wealthier, sweeter, kinder, sensual; or intelligent than any other women on the planet? Probably not. I rest my case.
The point is that you as a woman have to know where your identity comes from. If you are seeking a man to create it you are kidding yourself. There is no way possible for a man to do this; especially if he doesn’t know who he is! How can he be something for you that he is not for himself?
It’s quite an unfair expectation to believe that a man can become your identity when that is not his job. Period. No man was created for the sole purpose of being your identity. That is your job to figure out. Many women want a man to ‘complete’ them so they say although in reality; they want a man to create their identity so that it will give them purpose. Ladies; you need to understand that you have a purpose and that when you know your purpose you will know your identity. When you know your identity you will be able to recognize and live in the value that you have. Anything less is settling and you are too good of a woman to settle now aren’t you?
If a man doesn’t want a relationship with you it doesn’t mean that you have done anything wrong. In fact; most likely him not wanting a relationship with you has ‘nothing’ to do with you! Stop making it all about you when it’s not! Stop accepting that rejection over your life and realize that your identity is not based upon a man with whom you aren’t even in a relationship with! Let him go and celebrate in who you are! Rejoice in the fact that you know and move on. There are plenty of men who would welcome you and all that you bring to the table. Don’t lose another minute over someone who isn’t ready for the fantastic you that you are!
I recently listened to a pastor talk about happiness and he said something that was contrary to what I had been led to believe for most of my saved life. He said that he too had been taught that ‘happiness is just what’s happening now’ and that we should ‘seek joy’ instead. Once the thing that makes us happy is gone then it’s gone. He bought that teaching like many. This was until he started diving in to what the word actually means.
His research revealed that the word ‘blessed’ actually means ‘hugely happy’ and that the word ‘blessed’ occurs 48 times in the NT. People who are hugely happy typically are blessed while those who are blessed are hugely happy right? It would seem apparent that they walk hand in hand.
So the question is: what makes you happy? What makes you ‘hugely’ happy? How are you blessed? If you look around my guess is that you can always find something to be happy about; regardless of your situation. If you don’t believe me; drive down to your local inner city and count how many homeless people there are and then look inside the car you drove to get there. If you have old McDonald’s bags tossed in the back; be happy that you had enough money to even get the food in the first place!
If you are single are there things to be happy about? Married; what about your spouse brings happiness to your life? If you sit in traffic what can you see and do on your way to where ever you are going besides complain?
I have to be honest and catch myself today because I could easily fall into the trap of unhappiness. I can look at all the things I don’t have like the husband that I don’t have; the children I haven’t given life to; the father I have yet to find and meet- and I could go on and on. I’m sure you could too. Instead; my choice today is to be happy that I am alive, that I am healthy, that I have hair and that every time I walk into my living room I am surrounded by my favorite Joe Malone candle that I can actually smell. How about you?
You may have read the title and thought to yourself, ‘sure. who doesn’t want better relationships’ but that never happens. People are people and we are all just stuck with them.
While this may be a negative viewpoint; although true as well, it doesn’t mean that your relationships can’t be better. How do I know? I used to have terrible relationships. Ironically enough; I am educated in the field of communication and have taught communication courses at the collegiate level for over a decade. It just goes to show I too have had to experience those relationships that are now not.
So that’s the secret? How do we get better relationships with people who just aren’t willing to change? How do we get better relationships from those who don’t see our point of view? Those who just never seem to listen to what we have to say? Those that just don’t seem to get it?
I will tell you plainly like I was years ago. Your problem my friend is you. Yep. I said it. You are the common denominator in all of those relationships right? If you want them to be better then why not focus on what you can do about making them better? I can surely tell you that you complaining about what they are instead of what you think they should will not get you anywhere. I tried that too.
What was ‘my’ problem? Why were my relationships not going the way they should have been? Why was I not fulfilled? Why was everything so difficult? Simple. I was unforgiving. You see; unforgiveness steals your joy. It robs you of anything pleasing and sweet. It is like the cancer that spreads ever so slowly that you have no idea what is going on until the pain is so deep that you can’t handle it any more. It exudes out of your body in ways that people don’t talk about at Sunday dinner. It brings with it bitterness, resentment and anger. It is sly like that snake just waiting to wrap it’s nasty head around you; all the while you go about your business complaining that everyone else is the problem. They are not my friend.
Forgiveness blocks your ability to be of service to others because it keeps you focused on being the victim. It keeps you from receiving blessings because people quite frankly; don’t want to be around you. It destroys who you are to the deepest core. Not this; hypertension and arthritis are linked to unforgiveness according to a Harvard study in 2007.
It is through forgiveness that your relationships can be restored. You can be healed and those people in your life can be forever changed by your one choice to forgive. It may be the hardest thing you ever do; but the most rewarding. You see; none of us are any different. We all have stories. I was abandoned by my biological mother, lived in a foster home and at 16 a homeless shelter. If you think I wasn’t unforgiving you are kidding yourself! Maybe you too can relate; or maybe something else happened to you in your past. The time is now to forgive that person. Now is the time to be free. Now is the time to live your life. The forgiveness isn’t about anyone else but you. Don’t you think that you are worth it?
When I made the choice to forgive my mother and all the people who hurt me; everything in my life changed. My heart changed, my eye color changed and even my choice changed. You may think that these are great but wait- there’s more! I was reunited with my biological mother. We have a healthy relationship and were even featured guests on The Today Show.
http://www.today.com/id/26184891/vp/38040165#38040165
Take it from me first hand; forgiveness steals so much. I would love more time back and maybe even some of those broken relationships; but the good news is that I am going forward free of what sucked the life out of me. And I can do it with my mother. If I had chosen to stay unforgiving there is so much that we both would have lost out on and I can’t imagine ever going back down that path. I hope that you don’t either!
There is so much more about forgiveness than I have time for in this post but this is the first step. You have to take an introspective look at yourself and see if maybe the real issues in your relationship are caused by you and your unforgiveness. If they are- stop blaming others and start fixing yourself. You will be glad you did!