Second Chance Dates
Fool me once shame on you; fool me twice you know the deal. Shame on me right? Does everyone deserve second chances? Are there any who are more or less deserving? After all it was Peter who betrayed Jesus and he was given a second chance? Should the same be for everyone in every situation? Let’s explore.
Everyone makes mistakes. There is no way around this. We all are ignorant and do things we regret or perhaps don’t regret but just didn’t think through that clearly. In marriage; one obviously has to be forgiving else how can there be an expectation of even staying married? Do you give someone who has an affair a second chance? There are plenty who say ‘absolutely not!’ while others find that they are able to get past it.
What about in dating? Are second chances worth it? It’s different than in marriage because dating brings an entirely different myriad of issues and if you are the one giving too many chances then will you get just walked all over before getting to the altar.
People are who they are they are when you meet them. Ladies pay attention to that! Men; you too. People are who they are when you meet them. Now they may be nervous; but their character is pretty representative of who they are. You don’t need to question daily your first impression now do you? So it begs the question: how many chances does one get in dating to profess their love to you when they attempt to stomp on you before you simply say ‘no thank you’.
Perhaps if more people up front thought about the manner in which they treat people and were not so selfish; there would be less things to be needing chances for. The good news is that it’s great character building! Perhaps if people paid attention in the first place they wouldn’t put themselves in such they wouldn’t continue to get walked on; but is that really true? It’s hard to know something you don’t know and unfortunately; you can’t know it until you know it.
The question is: when are people going to see the reality and step up and for their value?
It is no different than if someone starts to build a relationship with another who deems it appropriate to dump via text and then later returns for apology- but does it via text. How ironic eh? Do you accept it? Why or why not? Do you think that the change of heart is true? Of course it depends on the situation and the person but bottom line is that it takes more consideration than just a flipid response.
People will show you who they are if your eyes are open. Whether or not you accept the apology and forgive is one thing; but walking right back into it is quite another. Would anything change? Perhaps; but that isn’t the real issue. The real thing to understand isn’t the fact that someone gets dumped via text. That’s miniscule in the big scheme of things. It’s the character of the person who does it that is more telling. It’s the lack of respect shown to another that is more telling. It’s the fact that people deserve more than to be treated with disrepect; regardless of what your name is.
When living life the most important thing that people will remember about you is your character. What does it reveal to others? Of course everyone makes mistakes. There is no way around this. The thing is when you do make mistakes; what do you do about it? That- right there in and of itself is what will be shown more than anything about who you are. If you want people to think different of you then perhaps behaving like it would be a nice start.
I recently listened to a pastor talk about happiness and he said something that was contrary to what I had been led to believe for most of my saved life. He said that he too had been taught that ‘happiness is just what’s happening now’ and that we should ‘seek joy’ instead. Once the thing that makes us happy is gone then it’s gone. He bought that teaching like many. This was until he started diving in to what the word actually means.
His research revealed that the word ‘blessed’ actually means ‘hugely happy’ and that the word ‘blessed’ occurs 48 times in the NT. People who are hugely happy typically are blessed while those who are blessed are hugely happy right? It would seem apparent that they walk hand in hand.
So the question is: what makes you happy? What makes you ‘hugely’ happy? How are you blessed? If you look around my guess is that you can always find something to be happy about; regardless of your situation. If you don’t believe me; drive down to your local inner city and count how many homeless people there are and then look inside the car you drove to get there. If you have old McDonald’s bags tossed in the back; be happy that you had enough money to even get the food in the first place!
If you are single are there things to be happy about? Married; what about your spouse brings happiness to your life? If you sit in traffic what can you see and do on your way to where ever you are going besides complain?
I have to be honest and catch myself today because I could easily fall into the trap of unhappiness. I can look at all the things I don’t have like the husband that I don’t have; the children I haven’t given life to; the father I have yet to find and meet- and I could go on and on. I’m sure you could too. Instead; my choice today is to be happy that I am alive, that I am healthy, that I have hair and that every time I walk into my living room I am surrounded by my favorite Joe Malone candle that I can actually smell. How about you?
You may have read the title and thought to yourself, ‘sure. who doesn’t want better relationships’ but that never happens. People are people and we are all just stuck with them.
While this may be a negative viewpoint; although true as well, it doesn’t mean that your relationships can’t be better. How do I know? I used to have terrible relationships. Ironically enough; I am educated in the field of communication and have taught communication courses at the collegiate level for over a decade. It just goes to show I too have had to experience those relationships that are now not.
So that’s the secret? How do we get better relationships with people who just aren’t willing to change? How do we get better relationships from those who don’t see our point of view? Those who just never seem to listen to what we have to say? Those that just don’t seem to get it?
I will tell you plainly like I was years ago. Your problem my friend is you. Yep. I said it. You are the common denominator in all of those relationships right? If you want them to be better then why not focus on what you can do about making them better? I can surely tell you that you complaining about what they are instead of what you think they should will not get you anywhere. I tried that too.
What was ‘my’ problem? Why were my relationships not going the way they should have been? Why was I not fulfilled? Why was everything so difficult? Simple. I was unforgiving. You see; unforgiveness steals your joy. It robs you of anything pleasing and sweet. It is like the cancer that spreads ever so slowly that you have no idea what is going on until the pain is so deep that you can’t handle it any more. It exudes out of your body in ways that people don’t talk about at Sunday dinner. It brings with it bitterness, resentment and anger. It is sly like that snake just waiting to wrap it’s nasty head around you; all the while you go about your business complaining that everyone else is the problem. They are not my friend.
Forgiveness blocks your ability to be of service to others because it keeps you focused on being the victim. It keeps you from receiving blessings because people quite frankly; don’t want to be around you. It destroys who you are to the deepest core. Not this; hypertension and arthritis are linked to unforgiveness according to a Harvard study in 2007.
It is through forgiveness that your relationships can be restored. You can be healed and those people in your life can be forever changed by your one choice to forgive. It may be the hardest thing you ever do; but the most rewarding. You see; none of us are any different. We all have stories. I was abandoned by my biological mother, lived in a foster home and at 16 a homeless shelter. If you think I wasn’t unforgiving you are kidding yourself! Maybe you too can relate; or maybe something else happened to you in your past. The time is now to forgive that person. Now is the time to be free. Now is the time to live your life. The forgiveness isn’t about anyone else but you. Don’t you think that you are worth it?
When I made the choice to forgive my mother and all the people who hurt me; everything in my life changed. My heart changed, my eye color changed and even my choice changed. You may think that these are great but wait- there’s more! I was reunited with my biological mother. We have a healthy relationship and were even featured guests on The Today Show.
http://www.today.com/id/26184891/vp/38040165#38040165
Take it from me first hand; forgiveness steals so much. I would love more time back and maybe even some of those broken relationships; but the good news is that I am going forward free of what sucked the life out of me. And I can do it with my mother. If I had chosen to stay unforgiving there is so much that we both would have lost out on and I can’t imagine ever going back down that path. I hope that you don’t either!
There is so much more about forgiveness than I have time for in this post but this is the first step. You have to take an introspective look at yourself and see if maybe the real issues in your relationship are caused by you and your unforgiveness. If they are- stop blaming others and start fixing yourself. You will be glad you did!