I recently came across the story of a woman named Kathy who is single and was interviewed about her list requirements of the man to be in her life.
While a a list of items to find at the grocery store is one thing; an 85 item list for expectations in a man is quite another! Yes; she has 85 items listed. How many of you actually get 85 items at the grocery store each visit?
What is fascinating about this is not only the length; but the contents. In a short review of the list number 41 isn’t just 41 it also has A-P with inclusions such as ‘make my toes curl’ which is something that may or may not make you cringe. Is that really the depths of what people are looking for? Are we really that narcissistic of a society? Should it be any wonder why so many are single and alone?
There are a few things about the list ladies I want to encourage you to think about. Men- if you have the list too then reflect on this.
Before I get to that let me share. Years ago I had a list. I used to listen to Pastor Jesse Duplantis and in one of his sermons he talked about making your petitions known to the Lord. If you tell the Lord that you just ‘want a man’ then you may get one; however, does he work? Does he have a vehicle? How about hair? Make my petitions known. Hmm……Interesting I thought.
I went to town! Oh boy did I have my list; three columns 3 pages and both sides. I wasn’t going to miss a thing. I wanted to make sure that the Lord knew everything “I” wanted. The list was well kept in a journal filled with writings and I never looked back. I never thought much about it until; someone else spoke something to be very profound that changed my life.
In 2006 I started attending a home Bible study and still had my list. I was on my way to getting something that only God could provide because there was no man on earth that could ever live up to my selfish desires; none. I had and have faith that God would provide so that wasn’t the issue at all. I had my list. I was all about me. I was all about finding the right man that was just created to be all about me.
At Bible study one evening I spoke about the list. My Bible teacher spoke very bluntly to me and revealed so much about my list that forever changed my thinking and the reality by which I lived. It went something like this: ‘So let me understand. You created a list of what you think you want and you were so bold to share with God all your ‘requirements’ of man. I’m sure you didn’t even include such things as a man after God’s heart, a godly father, a man with integrity; and character that would leave a life lasting legacy. You may want to think about just how selfish you have been and go and repent of thinking you know more than God what is best for you. You may want to think all the while what you think you want today; will probably change tomorrow. What then will you do when your list becomes outdated? You then will be complaining that it wasn’t really what you wanted and then try to blame God. Seeking the desires of your mind is not the same as seeking the desires of your heart. You may not want to be so bold to slap God in the face and think that your ounce of wisdom is larger than His.’ OUCH!
Needless to say; I sat in silence stunned. You see; people never spoke to me that way. Most were scared of me and he certainly was not and I so appreciated it. I never looked at how utterly selfish my entire list was. I went home that night to take my list and rip it up; except it was gone. A dear of friend of mine who knew all about the list was with me and went through every page in that journal and it was just gone. Gone. I was elated that I didn’t even have to ever see it again to say the least!
So it leads me to reflect on this: is there anything wrong with having desires? No of course not! There are certain things that are deal breakers but most of them are related to the foundations of how I live my life. It isn’t about the selfish motives of only wanting someone who is there to ‘serve you’. Where is what ‘you’ are offering? Most of what I had in my list was all about someone serving me. It was all about self. In listening to Kathy and learning that she has 85 items on her list; many of which are about what a man is there to do for her- where is what she is giving? Not one and this is based upon her interview stating that these were requirements of a man to be in her life. I wonder if she is financially free, no emotional baggage, no debt, no relationship problems, nothing of any kind. Nope not at all. It’s so ridiculous that people have expectations of others that they are not even able to deliver themselves. Interesting right?
If you are more focused on ‘finding’ someone who is only there to be what you expect him or her to be- you are missing the time that you could be spending working on yourself so when you meet that wonderful person you will be ready. You can’t be self focused and truly loving at the same time. There is no time for both. It’s not a dig on Kathy or anyone else with the list; but rather a plea to get over self so that life with someone isn’t missed. Life is short. Period. The minor things of receding hairline, chest size not being big enough and that person not being perfect is just part of life. Get over it. You aren’t perfect either. None of us are and most don’t look like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie so thinking you are just all that isn’t true. I say this not to be contrary but to share the reality that we all have something to improve upon.
It is the mindset and issue of the heart that is the issue. When we get so full of ourselves we overlook the things that matter the most. When we focus on hair color; we miss the heart. When we focus on status; we miss the smile. When we focus on fake; we miss the friend. When we focus on self; we end up alone. Just ask Kathy.
If you take the time to look around you; what do you think you think you will see? What will you hear? Perhaps it’s people on their cell phones talking about how the Bachelorette Des is with Chris and not Brooks? Will you see people sitting at Starbucks with their ears filled with buds and their ipods enjoying their ‘i-life’? Even better yet is it the oh so chic ladies walking by with the coveted Christian Louboutin’s just in time for fall? Or last for you guys out there is it the latest on A-Rod?
Regardless of what you do and don’t see that can make all the difference? Sure people like sporting their latest fashions to be perceived as hip or cool. Sure some need to have you believe they are more successful because they drive this car or that; even though they may live in an empty apartment and live on Top Ramen. Sure; you too may be a sucker for it all. A sucker who falls into the trap of paying money to a company for something only to then be branded by it. Let’s face it folks: does anyone really care that your purse is Prada? Does anyone care that you drive you drive a 1967 Shelby Mustang GT500 or McLaren F1? Of course not! (Regardless of how utterly awesome they are!)
This leads me to ask: what is branding you? And furthermore why?
Lately the trend in and out of business is the push for branding, branding; and yes more branding. ‘You need to brand yourself’ the business experts say. ‘You need to have more products’ others will say because of course if you are not out there just pushing this product or that face then you are just forgotten. It’s tiring isn’t it? Of course it is because you can’t not keep up and be relevant. Will it end or is this just what society is? If you check out the Bible it’s pretty clear where we are. ‘1But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. 2For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good,…’ (2TIm 3:2)
Now don’t get me wrong; business is great! I’m a capitalist and love America! This isn’t as much about doing business as is it where the focus is. Are you one that is only interesting in the branding of yourself in terms of ‘you’ or are you more interested in the brand of your character? You see there is quite a difference and understanding that may change your perception of a few things. The brand of your character will outlast and outshine anything else and if you are not aware or paying attention to your ‘brand’ in that way you may miss the mark. No one will remember that you wore last year’s Prada’s or the car you drove 5 years ago. They will remember; however, your character.
Take for example A-Rod. I remember when he played for Seattle and just how awesome he was! I remember when he came to the Texas Rangers and the incredible salary he was paid. Congrats right! While you may not like what he was paid that is irrelevant. The perception was that he was worth it. His brand was amazing! I love stories of haters where they just don’t agree with someone being paid yet if it that person were offered that salary I’m sure it would be quite a different story. Just saying.
Today; however, A-Rod’s has quite another story. What is his brand? How would you describe it? Tainted? Corrupt? Faulty? All of the above? It isn’t about judgment of him as we do still live in a society where innocent until proven guilty.
The point here is that he has branded himself. He was branded as one of the best and most certainly was and is. He was the youngest player ever to hit 500 home runs and surpassed Sami Sosa records too. He is gifted without a doubt. The question though what now has branded him? What is it about his brand that you are going to remember?
It’s no different than any of us. It’s so easy to get caught up in all the rage of technology and think it’s needed in order to be current. It’s easy to fall into the fashion traps and waste money on things of no value only to be branded by a label.
What isn’t so easy though is to reflect on it the brand of your character. Your brand of integrity, reputation; and poise. Perhaps if more people thought about what they truly are pushing instead of themselves for personal gain we wouldn’t be the billboards that we are allowing ourselves to be and sold for the lowest cost.
Dating is supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be exciting. It should be filled with great exploration of another person. That is what it ‘should’ be.
The rules have changed. In fact; there are none. It’s quite dangerous for women if they are not careful. There are those so called progressive woman who advocate having sex on the first date; never mind the health risk to women physically and spiritually. There are those that believe the best way to get a man is to be a witch with a ‘B’. Then there are those who just say do anything for a man because if you don’t you will end up old and lonely. Terrible that that is what is put out there for the so called benefit of women.
This is a call to women to stand up! Stand up for women and the essence of who we are! It doesn’t matter if you live in Dallas, Detroit or Denver; so long as women are divided on all the dating issues it will only leave us in danger and men more confused than ever. How does it put women in danger? It’s quite simple. Below are several ways that women put themselves in danger in dating relationships:
1- Sex by the 3rd date. That is dangerous because well; the obvious you are giving your soul to someone you don’t even know. The additional thing is that when you do this and the relationship is dead by date 4; it sets a standard for men that that is what is expected in the next relationship. Every behavior in dating that a woman exhibits sets the standard for men so should it be any wonder why so many men are just flat out mental disasters?
2- Text boundaries. If you allow him to text you ‘late night’ then what does that mean? He can do it and guess what- he will. Sure you may think it’s so nice that he is thinking of you at that time- but in reality he is thinking of himself. If he were really thinking of you at 2am he would probably show you and he some self-respect and wait until the morning recognizing that you probably are sleeping. He wouldn’t want to disturb you because he respects you. Now of course if you are already in an exclusive relationship and you have different boundaries this is entirely different. This point is for those who are newly dating someone.
3- If he expects you to drive to him on the 1st or 2nd time you meet that’s a huge red sign. First of all- the question is why on earth would you do it? Don’t you deserve a man to get in his car and meet you at least half way? You are putting yourself in harm’s way by driving to the home of a stranger! Sure he may be what you perceive to be a nice guy but so was Scott Peterson and the Craig’s List Killer. While you may carry a firearm that doesn’t mean anything and if you end up using it then you just put yourself in a more precarious situation.
4- If he gets mad that you won’t drive to see him run! Run fast! If a man just enters your life and has such an expectation that he can call you and you drop everything to go see him he is crazy and you are just dumb if you do it. If he is mad about that it shows his character and you are too good of a woman to have to chase a man who shows such utter disrespect toward you. That is a clue and you don’t even have to leave home to get it. Ask yourself if you were talking to your sister or best friend would you ever in a million years agree with her driving to the home of some man she just met all alone? Probably not!
5- If he interrupts you consistently. When meeting someone that you are starting to date the signs are everywhere. You have to be on guard and remove the emotional excitement to look at the reality. If you are in conversation and are unable to complete a sentence because he can’t let you- then it’s time to hang up. How could you ever communicate about larger issues in the relationship if you can’t even have a get-to-know-you conversation? The control factor enters scene left.
6- The touch factor. If you meet him for the first time and 10 minutes into it he is trying to hold your hand and put his arm around you; or touch your leg- open your eyes to this. Now sure this may vary based upon the length of time you have been in conversation with him but let’s say you have had one or two conversations and have exchanged a few texts. The emotional connection of someone you don’t know gets in the way; but you have to ask how real it is. Just because you had a few great conversations doesn’t mean you know someone. You only know someone when you spend time with that person. If you feel uncomfortable then say so. If he doesn’t get it- then there is your answer.
7- If he raises your voice at you then run. Sure some women will disregard it as ‘passion’ but really ladies let’s take it for what it is. Is that what you are really going to try to sell yourself to believe? A man should never raise his voice at you and if he does in the beginning what will he do beyond that?
8- If he calls you any name that is not nice then run. The fact that he believes it would be ok to call a woman any name tells it all. If you stay and put up with it reveals even more about you. You are better than someone you don’t even know calling you something that is not uplifting.
9- If he dates married women and tells you- it should be obvious but I must say. Sure the woman may be in the middle of a divorce but guess what? She still is married. Now some of you may argue this as divorces take a long time but here is the thing. That man is telling you that he is dating someone else in addition to you. No wonder why you are only getting a walk around a park and not a ‘proper date’ right? Open your eyes ladies! It’s not to say dinner and opera every date but it is to say that if you are a number in the mix. Are you better than a number? Of course you are! Now you may say it’s a good thing he told you he was dating other women and sure; but then the question to ‘why’ he would tell you in the very beginning along with the type of women he goes out with. Again; just run as character is revealed. You may be one who is dating other men which is fine; but do you share that one the first date when it’s about getting to know the man you are with at that moment? Or do you have little more prudence than that?
10- If he tells you, ‘It makes me feel good to touch you’ on the first time you meet-run. Just please run. It’s creepy that someone you don’t know would tell you that and you need to be asking if he is just hard up and is just using you to get his jollies. When you don’t know him and he tells you this he is obviously thinking more about how he feels than how utterly uncomfortable you may feel. It’s a sign ladies. Is he desiring to touch you for you because you are the women he desires as the person you are or what he can get from you? These are two separate things and you need to get that! Be watchful of those who just like to say ‘I’m affectionate. Touch is my love language.’ Sure. Boundaries for just meeting you is mine. How do you like me now? A real man will like and respect you more and not just say he can’t date you because you won’t hold his hand after 10 minutes of meeting.
11- If he tells you he is tired of dating bimbos. Well; what man wouldn’t be? The fact that that he dates them is one thing; and the fact he told you is another. So what does that mean for you? Is it a sales pitch that you are the ‘nice’ one? Sure you may get all excited that he now thinks you are better than the bimbos which of course you are; but if he doesn’t treat you like it then he needs to take a class! If all he gets are bimbos; that is a clue he is not ready for the good woman that you are. It’s not that he doesn’t deserve it but you have to be a nice guy to get the nice girl. Bimbos are treated different than nice women and we all know that.
12- If he thinks you are rigid because you don’t play his game so what? The real man out there for you will see it as self respect. It won’t even come up. Any man that gets ticked is just mad because you are not the bimbo he is used to. Not only this he is not used to being told no. Run from this man as he would only use the passive aggressive behavior to try to 1) make you feel guilty about not being easy or playing his game, 2) doubt yourself, 3) get you to give in. It’s a trap ladies. Stand up for what you believe and if some guy you don’t know thinks you are rigid so what? You are who you are and you have no need to apologize for it! You have nothing to prove to some man who wouldn’t even be able to grasp your value in the first place. If he tells you that you think you are better then he is that it is not your problem. You are not responsible for how anyone feels. No one can ‘make’ you feel a certain way. How you feel is your choice. You are a good woman and you don’t need to lower your standards to make some man you don’t know feel better about himself. It’s not worth the loss of your self-worth.
13- If he tells you there are other women who want him and who are ready to come over to his house when you don’t do what he wants- then run. It’s a ploy to tell you this because you shattered his ego. The other thing to realize is the fact that he would stoop so low to try to trap you into doing something you don’t want is a clear sign of manipulation. Do not be manipulated by a man who uses other women to try to get you. You do not deserve that and women if you are that woman being used- open your eyes.
14- If he tells you he has no problems getting women then run. Who brags about that? Men who get women don’t need to and the fact that you are a woman and he tells you that is a sign that what- you have to compete to be better than the others? Why on earth would you do that? A good man will see your value and chase you! He would never dream of using other women whether real or not to play mind games. Real men are good men. Any man that brags about getting women gets girls and not women. There is a difference and you females out there need to decide which you are!
We women need to stand united on this. So long as we are not standing up as women together it will only cause more problems for future women. Your behavior has impact and when you let men treat you less then how you should be and it doesn’t work out; then they think they can continue to pattern and well- then can. Until you are the one strong enough to stand up and say, “ I don’t have sex outside of marriage, I don’t drive to strange men’s houses, I am not a number; and I have integrity’ you will get less then what you should. There is nothing wrong with having standards and I know that isn’t a popular teaching these days but so what?
If you want a nice man for the rest of your life then be the nice woman. Respect yourself first and the men out there will too. Now please understand that this isn’t a bash men session as I love men. I love everything about them; minus foot funk but you get the idea. Women are just as guilty as men in the dating world and it only leaves single people heart -broken, confused; and untrusting. We as women can stop the cycle and in the end; not only help ourselves but also men too.
I challenge you today to look inward and make a list of what you deserve in your next relationship. Then make a list of things you have done and accepted to this point. Compare the two. While there may be stark differences forgive yourself for being dumb and stand up with a smile. We have all been there. If you are not getting what you are worth then it’s up to you to stop the madness in your life. Only you can make the change and my prayer for you dear beautiful is that today is the day that you will!
With so many people dating online and so many choices; people can’t afford to not pay attention to the details. Did you know that there are 40 million people who have tried online dating? Currently there are 20 million people using E-Harmony and 15 million using Match. Perhaps you are one such person. (http://www.statisticbrain.com/online-dating-statistics) If you are looking for love online; you need to be aware of the pitfalls and how to stand out otherwise; you will fall to the side and start believing the lies of rejection that may creep in.
The statistics further reveal that there are 52.4% of men online while 47.6% of women. This means more men and well; women have more options. You need to have it all together if you want the desired end result.
What’s fascinating about the profile and the pictures is that most don’t think about it. They just write a few things that everyone before them has written; and that probably didn’t work either. The other issue is that 53% report that they date more than one person at a time; which means you have no idea what competition you have. Now sure; you may say that people who meet in person do the same thing except with the online dating arena so large you are now competing with a worldwide net and not just the local net with a few. You have no idea what is going on on that computer when you are not around now do you?
Taking it to the next step what is sad is the lies that come with it. Men lie more about income, height, and their age. They may too lie about how much hair they have but I digress. Women on the other hand; lie too. They lie about their age, physical build and weight. I’m sure there is more as well so buyer beware.
A few tips to help you along with getting that picture perfect dating or mating partner for you for life are as follows:
1- Proper pictures get props. It’s known that men are visual; but gents understand this: Women are visual too. There is nothing more unattractive to most women than you taking a self portrait in the bathroom mirror with your boxers hanging on the bathroom door behind you. There is also not much attractive about you posing in all your shaved chest glory wearing nothing but sunglasses. If women wanted Magic Mike they would be elsewhere; if you get what I mean. By having a proper headshot taken you will not only show you are quite dapper; but that you are serious about finding love. Most photographers specialize in headshots and not only will it serve you in the dating profile but also for your business head shot as well so it’s worth the investment. If you are local to Dallas you can check out www.photographybymisty.com as she does wonderful work. It doesn’t make sense to spend money to find love and then look like you just rolled out of bed with a hangover now does it? Perhaps this is why you aren’t getting the responses that you should be. Ladies; if you don’t look like the cheearleader that you once were; it’s ok. There are plenty of men who will celebrate your curves and honesty about it. Own who you are today and know that you can change it and update that picture. Hiding it though by using old outdated pictures is the one way you will turn off any man as he won’t like the deception any more than you would. You can’t get angry or think he is a pig because he doesn’t want you after you sold yourself to be something you were in the 1980’s.
2- Think about what you are writing in your profile. If you are a Christian are you really going to accept dating and marrying an Athiest? if not then why would you put ‘any’ in the religious category? If you accept anything you will get it but then you can’t really complain about it now can you? If you are wanting to date yourself; then go for it just be aware that 1 is a lonely number. Remember that you are probably looking for someone for longer than a night and it takes time. Why hide the real you when you being you looks good on you? If you are really as good as you think you are- you probably would already be married or still married. There is always room for change and accepting that you and whomever you meet is not so will enhance your chances of finding what you really want.
3- Not having a picture is harmful to your image. This goes back to the fact that both men and women are visual. How many men would like to go out with the woman they have no idea what she looks like? How many ladies would venture in that direction either? Well all like to see and touch and smell and taste; it’s part of the human experience. Why not have the picture taken and deal with the reality that you have less hair and are not a size 2? At least you are honest and that is to be appreciated.
4- Pace Yourself. While you may look at a picture and read all the wonderful words doesn’t mean anything more than this. You don’t know the person on the other end and getting to know that person takes time. Just because you email back and forth doesn’t mean you all the sudden need to maul her when you meet her for the first time because touching her makes you feel good. An appropriate pace in all areas will help you not get overly emotionally attached to someone you don’t know and end up getting hurt too quickly. Be mindful that you only have the perception of the people you are dating and it may very well be the perception they want you to have. You can’t be certain of anything until you actually spend time investigating it with that person.
Bottom line is that there are millions of people in the dating fishing pool. You have competition. There is no way around that. If you are lazy and expecting something that is unrealistic you will always be disappointed. If you aren’t thinking about the image that you are putting out there; maybe it’s time you should. It will be well worth it. This may very well be your year to dine, wine; and shine in love so why not put in that extra effort and get it!
In a world filled with so many gender role problems; it should be no wonder why these issues are surrounding those in the dating pool. When women behave like men; and men behave like women it ultimately takes its toll. While you may not recognize it at first; it may creep up on you when you least see it. Some may say that it’s the woman while others say it’s the men; although I am an equal opportunist. It’s both and let me show you how.
Generations past men were the men that stood up and took charge; much like the Apostle Paul. They fall but they rise again. They went after what they wanted and they didn’t need to cheat to get it. They understood self respect and respect for women. Where are those men? Today it’s the passive aggressive, ‘let me know if you want me to take you out’ nonsense that doesn’t work with nice women. It’s the text instead of picking up the phone to ask her out. It’s the excuse that ‘men are afraid of women’ that is quite often said. These men would never allow women to criticize them in public or demean them on a daily basis. Nope. Not them.
It’s quite ironic that men say they want a ‘nice’ woman but yet fail to recognize that getting a nice woman means being a nice man. Instead it’s stories of sexcapades to a nice woman followed perhaps by the wonder ‘why doesn’t she like me?’ that is the most hilarious! It’s the “I want a nice woman but must sleep with her before marrying her because I have my needs” that is quite contradictory. Men today appear more lost in direction of what their steps should be to getting that wonderful woman and well; should it be a surprise? Nope. Not at all. Until men recognize their need to change nothing will. It also doesn’t help that the behaviors of women are so bi-polar so what is a man to do?
Women in generations past were feminine. They were graceful. They were ladylike; and they didn’t need to compete with the man they were dating. They didn’t have to prove that they could open their own door. They didn’t need to deliver all the goods before marriage. They just didn’t do it and they never would have talked about it even if they did. Those times are gone. Everything is acceptable and that is the problem. Whether you believe it’s a good thing or not is irrelevant. It’s the fact that overall those times are non existent; and that is what is sad.
Why is it sad you ask? Everything is wonderful! Women are free, strong, income earners and the list goes on! Men; well what are they? Where are they? Are they just nonexistent because women will do everything? Perhaps it is the ploy of men to ‘not’ do anything because they don’t have to. So long as women take control then what really does a man need to do? If the woman asks the man out then he is absolved of rejection, if she makes the plans then he doesn’t have to think, if she does everything then what in the end does she need him for? This is scary because it essentially strips men of their manhood and brings us to a role reversal with women resenting men for not being what they were created to be. Good women who want good men have more of a struggle because the good men are becoming more extinct and by the minute.
Until we grasp the reality that we need each other; things are going to only get more confusing. Until we realize that each of us have a role in the dating relationship we will never reach the place of being married. How could we? If women get out of the way and realize they aren’t the permission givers to men; and men stand up to being who they are things will change. It’s a call to action here!
Men should be men. Men who are strong, take charge, courageous; and ready to be the lover and protector to that wonderful woman. They shouldn’t be forced into the role of girlie men because society says so.
Women should be the woman they were created to be without having to live life like Jezebel; (who was killed by dogs by the way.) It really is ok to just be a lady. You don’t have to be overbearing in strength to show it. Your presence as a woman is all you need.
If you are in the dating pool stand your ground. Ladies; if you don’t want late night texts then don’t accept them. If you don’t have sex outside of marriage; then don’t. Let the man take the lead and you will be surprised at easy he is able to. Remember; most world leaders are men.
Men; just because ‘society says’ doesn’t mean anything. If you are the good man then keep on keeping on. That woman who is a good woman will be blessed to have you. If you; on the other hand, are the lazy man who just accepts whatever woman that does all the work for you, then maybe it’s time to grow up so that you can be the nice man to get the nice woman. You will be so glad that you did!
Where do you fall? Are you the nice guy or gal struggling out there? Or are you wanting to be that? Either way; do share!
It’s incredible just how much people treat each other like a dumping ground. Everywhere we look the niceties are decreasing across our culture. Riots over judges ruling, backstabbing in the workplace, corruption in the White House; and people being dumped via text message. Where have we gone that we as a society think it’s ok to not even think about the person on the other end? Are we truly that shallow?
In previous generations people talked; they saw one another face to face. Relationships were built by spending time with one another. It wasn’t sitting staring at a phone screen that one could barely see typing partial words they can’t spell. Sure that could be because rotary phones were all the rage; but besides that people showed each more respect for others than what they do today. Break-ups may have not been wanted but at least were done with respect and dignity. People didn’t just text-a-dump of one person on the way to meet the next man or woman who’s heart they will break next.
According to www.whatsyourprice.com, an online dating site; a survey of 7,500 of its male members and 8,300 of its female members members found that 88 percent of men have broken up with someone over text message, compared to only 18 percent of women. And 71 percent of men have dumped someone over the phone, compared to 43 percent of women. Ouch! Men are you paying attention to just how many of you are showing your gender to have no class? And then you wonder why the feminist movement is so progressive? Really!?!
This leads me to ask the most pertinent question: have you been dumped via text? Have you been the dumpee? What is the thought process behind it? Or is there? For the one who is doing the dumpee perhaps nothing. Perhaps it’s just an easy way of of not having to face that person of whom you say is beautiful and amazing and you just don’t want to take the time out to say it over the phone or in person? Perhaps you have given no thought to how that person might feel. Perhaps; you frankly don’t care. Either way; think about it now please. Please think about someone other than yourself for a moment; if possible. There is another person on the other end who does have feelings and doesn’t deserve it. You may find that one day you are on the receiving end and may not like it. I pray you aren’t.
If you have been the victim of a text-a-dumper what was your experience? Were you pleased that at least you didn’t get caught with tears in your eyes by someone who proved to show you no respect while you were blindsided? Were you relieved because you were saved from being that person who actually wanted to get out of that relationship but didn’t know how? Or were you left wanting an explanation of how you went from oh so wonderful to woeful in a matter of moments?
You see; regardless of technology the one thing we all need to realize is that the manner in which we treat people is a reflection of our character. Gender is irrelevant. People will remember your actions. They remember beyond the labels you wear and car you drive how you treat them. They remember who you are. The question is what do you want them to remember about you?
In America; more people are single either through divorce or never married. Either way; people are single. The numbers may surprise you. According to the US Census Bureau (2012):
‘There are 112 million unmarried people over age 18 in the U.S., representing nearly 47% of the adult population.
44.9% of the unmarried population aged 18 and older are female. For every 100 unmarried women there are 88 unmarried men.
23.0% of the unmarried population aged 18 and older are people of color and 77.0% are white.
39.2% of the unmarried population aged 18 and older were formerly married and 60.8% have always been single.
68% of divorced or widowed Americans plan to remain unmarried.
These statistics reveal much about who we are as people don’t they? What I am finding most curious about is if men and women are single for the same reasons. Lately I have found more people who are single because they are pursuing ‘their goals’. Now of course there is nothing wrong with pursuing goals of any kind; but it begs the question: how many goals and how many lost opportunities for love will you have passed by? In other words- will you wake up 10 or 15 years later with more wrinkles, grey hair, and wonder what the heck happened?
While many may say that men can only do and focus on one thing at a time; how long does it take to focus and move on? Women on the other hand; are getting their hands equally as dirty with their own goals and dreams and pursuits- because in order to compete in a man’s world you have to become a man right?
I wonder when people will recognize that there will always be a business to start, a degree to complete, a software to write, another client waiting; and another networking even to attend before it all starts another groundhog year. At the end of the day when you meet all your goals and pursuits but have no one to share them with will you realize that all of it kept you single? And for what? Something that no one but you cares about? What then? Will it be too late? I sure hope not!
I recently had a conversation with a women who was upset because a man in her life didn’t want a relationship. She couldn’t quite figure out what her issue was. She was trying and trying; and trying to do all the right things and it wasn’t working. So she tried more. Maybe this has been you. In listening to her I felt for her because I remember a time in my life where that was me. I thought that if I didn’t something different it would change things. If I did this; then I would get the results I wanted. If I did that he would have to see just how fabulous I was. The funny thing is that it never worked. It never does. It can’t. Let me explain.
A woman doing more to get a man isn’t going to get him. If he isn’t interested; he isn’t interested. No matter how many meals you cook, cards you send, sext messages you send it flat out won’t work. If you weren’t interested in a man would it work on you? Of course not! You may even go so far as to tell your friends that you have a stalker. You laugh yet know it’s true. So why would you expect that it will work if you do something? Are you really that much better, prettier, smaller waisted, bigger chested, wealthier, sweeter, kinder, sensual; or intelligent than any other women on the planet? Probably not. I rest my case.
The point is that you as a woman have to know where your identity comes from. If you are seeking a man to create it you are kidding yourself. There is no way possible for a man to do this; especially if he doesn’t know who he is! How can he be something for you that he is not for himself?
It’s quite an unfair expectation to believe that a man can become your identity when that is not his job. Period. No man was created for the sole purpose of being your identity. That is your job to figure out. Many women want a man to ‘complete’ them so they say although in reality; they want a man to create their identity so that it will give them purpose. Ladies; you need to understand that you have a purpose and that when you know your purpose you will know your identity. When you know your identity you will be able to recognize and live in the value that you have. Anything less is settling and you are too good of a woman to settle now aren’t you?
If a man doesn’t want a relationship with you it doesn’t mean that you have done anything wrong. In fact; most likely him not wanting a relationship with you has ‘nothing’ to do with you! Stop making it all about you when it’s not! Stop accepting that rejection over your life and realize that your identity is not based upon a man with whom you aren’t even in a relationship with! Let him go and celebrate in who you are! Rejoice in the fact that you know and move on. There are plenty of men who would welcome you and all that you bring to the table. Don’t lose another minute over someone who isn’t ready for the fantastic you that you are!
Everyone has secrets. Just ask them. What most don’t think about is what secrets are hiding in their closets. Now of course I am talking about your wardrobe closet. Every closet reveals so much about the person and most don’t even realize it. When I help people organize closets it’s amazing the stories of life that I am told; just by looking at the contents. What does your closet reveal? Well; continue reading and find out!
1- Complacency: I see this quite often with those who work in Corporate America. The basic black slacks and white button down; the epitome of boring. Sure black made hide body image issues but really? No color and everything is the same. Typically this person is a creature of habit and doesn’t want to be bothered with thinking about what to wear as it takes too much time; or so they say. They work in a professional environment so the need for anything other than that isn’t necessary. Well; if you want to get a date or keep your husband happy; some color and a cocktail dress to show off how beautiful you are won’t hurt! Just ask your date or husband. You may be shocked at the answer. You must realize is that work isn’t your entire life; it’s just one area of your life and a proper wardrobe should be able to meet all the areas of your life.
2- Identity Crisis: This is often noticed quickly when people are attached to labels. ‘Oh that’s my Chanel’ or ‘I can’t part with those Louboutins’ or even ‘I paid a fortune for that Prada’ when in reality no one cares what you paid or that it’s a label but you. What it reveals on a larger scale is that the person’s identity is created through the labels. While there is nothing wrong with liking certain brands, labels, etc. etc.. it’s the reason behind them and having so many that is the underline issue. If you love whatever the item is- does the label matter? If the fit is amazing- does the label matter? Of course not! For someone who has a closet filled with labels what it does it takes away from the person creating a wardrobe that fits their identity all on their own without needing to be branded by a tag that no one sees.
3- Boredom and Dreaming: When I see closets filled with new items with tags on them this reveals a couple of things. The first is that the person doesn’t have enough going on that there is a need for shopping for something to do which reveals boredom and 2) the person is dreaming of a life not being lived. The other reason would be that they just learned how to shop for their lifestyle and have made a few purchases; although the tags won’t stay on for long! When people have what they need in their closets they are using what is there which means tags aren’t left attached. When a closet is filled with many items with tags there is always something going on underneath that is a big red flag. What need are the items being used to fill?
4- Letting go of the past: Trends come and go. People gain and lose weight and life changes. It just happens on a daily basis. When I see closets where women have suits with the dickies and the sweaters with the jingle bells hanging off of them it causes me to wonder why. Why are these items taking up space- and so much of it! Typically; going deeper in conversation with these clients I find that there is always a reason. People keep memories of good times in their lives. Items in a closet reveal this and sometimes more often than we like. It’s ok to move forward and keep the memory but is there really a need to keep the item and the memory? The past is in the past for a reason and all too often remembering how tiny you were, how great you looked; and how wonderful your life was is good- but why not create that for your life now while you are here in the present?
5- Fear of Expression: When I see a closet filled with the same thing and maybe in a different color it reveals that someone just bought the one item in every color which may be perceived as smart shopping; although how many of the same sweater sets does a woman need? A bit of variety never hurt anyone yet many women yet that fear holds them back. What is comfortable is what people tend to settle for when in reality; freedom of expression is much more freeing than anything!
Every woman and man has more going on in life than living in a single dimension. There are many facets to everyone’s lives and a wardrobe is a reflection of that. There isn’t ever a reason to just be boring and settle for looking basic when it’s so simple to look fabulous and even on a budget. Don’t you at least owe it to yourself to look great and feel good about it? I think so! So what is your wardrobe secret that you want to be free of? If you share with me yours I will share mine too. You go first!
In a conversation with a client of mine I could hear something different in his tone. While I couldn’t see him since we were not face to face I knew there was something different about him. I was right. I asked him how he was and he replied, ‘I am very good’. I asked him what was making him ‘very good’ on that day and he said, ‘I’m very good because I am giving.’
It got me thinking about a few things. Is there an area of my life where I could give more? I wondered if he knew he would feel as good as he did before he gave or if he just felt that good because he gave. Knowing the type of person he is I don’t think he purpose of giving was just so he could feel good as there are plenty of other things to feel good than to give. Not only this; giving just to feel good isn’t really giving at all.
Regardless; it is enjoyable to be around someone who has a heart of giving and feels good about it. I could hear that he felt good about what it was that he gave. While I don’t know what it was that he gave it doesn’t even matter. It’s his heart that matters and that is one of giving. I don’t even think that he would recognize that as that is just who he is. Do you have people in your life that are like that? If not then why not become that person for other? What a way to give right?
This leads me to be challenged to give and to do it more often while also challenging you to do the same. So- what can you give today? What can you give to be the world change that the world needs?