How to Forgive a Sociopath
Forgiveness is a challenge for most people and with good reason. People hurt people and more often hurt people hurt people and being forgiving of that when it’s not deserved is not easy. Forgiveness is a process. Forgiving a psychopath is even more difficult! The good news is that it is doable as God’s Word tells us so.
The question of the sociopath brings in an entirely different level of forgiveness because of how the sociopath is known to maneuver through life. When you understand the traits of the sociopath then the picture of forgiveness will be more complete in the areas of what to forgive for your own sanity. Know there too is a difference between a psychopath and sociopath and today it’s about the sociopath. Remember that forgiveness is about you and is between you and God and that is what must remain the focus.
To understand the traits of the sociopath here are a few:
1) They are Manipulative and cunning. The underline goal for the sociopath is to deceive people of course without them knowing it. The underline purpose is power and control; of course without your knowledge.
2) They lie. And lie. And lie. And then lie about what they just lied about; and most likely right to your face. What makes it worse is that they believe their own lies; except you don’t really know which lie it is that they are believing because it’s all lies.
3) They feel no shame, guilt or remorse. Most people feel something when they do something wrong. Not the sociopath. There is no such thing. This is why forgiveness is challenging with them because most people want someone to acknowledge or feel something about causing pain. But for the sociopath there is no such emotion which leaves most victims in unforgiveness. This of course is until they recognize it.
4) They are intelligent. This is what makes them so dangerous. They are highly intelligent and most know it; which makes their manipulation that much more believable because they know what they are doing. The downfall though to many of them is that their pride of their intellect gets in the way. They tend to forget that other people too are intelligent and can see through their wicked and vile ways.
5) They dominate and control to win at all costs. Power and control are the foundational goals of the sociopath. Domination through manipulation, control through lies and winning above all. This is how they get it done. To someone who doesn’t understand this; they will be trapped in the web of the person and when they recognize it; it is harder to recover from.
In the end; forgiving the sociopath is challenging because what are you forgiving them for? Being a sociopath of course but also for all the rest of it too. See; when you break down the components of the sociopath into its components forgiving someone for all it changes the dynamics. It isn’t just about being a sociopath but also being a control freak, domineering, manipulator; and all the other things that come with being a sociopath. For the sociopath; forgiveness of self for each of the components would be something to consider because until each area is forgiven there will be an open doorway which can lead to further devastation.
The best news is that when you recognize someone truly is a sociopath and you forgive them; they no longer have any control of you or your life. They have no power as you took it. That is what hurts them the most. Now is it that you are out for blood. Of course not! You are out to live your life righteously and without the drama that comes with being around a sociopath. Not only this; you don’t have to worry about hearing lies or being manipulated by someone for their own self-propaganda agenda that really only has you as a pawn and not a person. You will be free and living in forgiveness and trust me; there is no better way to live!
Abortion is something in society that isn’t talked about in full. It’s something that is done in part for the preservation of a woman’s future; but talking about what women experience after the fact are things not truly explored.
Abortion has impact. It has impact on society, the men involved if they are aware, future generations and of course the woman who has the abortion. What is crazy is that 37% of women obtaining abortions identify themselves as Protestant, and 28% identify themselves as Catholic (AGI)! In 2011, women who had not aborted in the past accounted for 53.7% of all abortions; women with one or two prior abortions accounted for 37.1%, and women with three or more prior abortions accounted for 9.3% (CDC). And so we see abortion effects many. It has impacts that are longer lasting than what people recognize so it begs the question: is there forgiveness for abortion?
I listened to an interview with singer songwriter Toni Braxton and what captured me wasn’t so much about the fame or her career; but rather the abortion she regretted.
Toni spoke about her family and the tough financial trials and the bankruptcy she went through. It was during that time that she got pregnant and couldn’t see herself raising a child when she was in the midst of financial fall. She talked about how much she regretted having an abortion and how selfish she now sees her choice. Her selfishness is what caused her to swipe the existence and future from that baby’s life.
What captured me was 1) she knew it was selfish, 2) her regret. Those two things speak volumes without a doubt. She continued that she later become pregnant and her child was born with autism. She believed the autism was punishment from God and that yes; she deserved it. Now this is where forgiveness comes in to play. When there is forgiveness the slate is wiped clean! Let’s say that your children apologize for making a mistake or being selfish; do you forgive them and the punish them? Of course not!
As I listened to Toni I heard her clearly. She is not unlike many women who have made the choice to abort but here is the thing: there is forgiveness. There is freedom for and from abortion. Jesus died on the cross so that we could be forgiven of our sins. And forgiveness knows no bounds. If you are like Toni; there is forgiveness for you. When there is forgiveness there is no need to live in self-condemnation. There is no need to continue to dwell on the past! The past is time gone by! When we cling to it we live in it and there is no freedom in shame of the past.
There is forgiveness for your selfish ways. All you have to do is ask. Acts 3:19 is clear for us all to follow: Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord,’. The times of refreshing are there. They are waiting just for you. Do not be deceived into thinking that your choice to have an abortion isn’t forgivable. That my dear friend; is a lie. God’s Word says so.
I encourage you today to seek forgiveness because it will change your life. It will set you free. It will remove the chains of bondage. Let it all go! Let go of the shame, guilt, condemnation, self-loathing, regret; and all of rest of the cousins attached. There is no need to continue like Toni and live in shame as she said for the sins that she committed that she repented of. God is a loving God and not one who simply hates and isn’t forgiving. It would be a lie to think that. It’s a trap! Yes we all make mistakes there is no doubt although this sin is just as forgivable as all of the rest of them.
There is a future for your life regardless of whether or not you believe it just yet. There is hope too. You don’t have to live without it. You don’t have to continue to suffer in silence. You are valued. You are loved. You are forgiven. It’s just up to you to get it.
For more about forgiveness watch “Living in Forgiveness” on Saturdays in Dallas channels 27 & 47.2. NY & NY new channel 49.1 Stream live atwww.uanetwork.tvand watch previous episodes here: http://uanetwork.tv/uanon-demand/living-forgiveness-julie-blair/
**Starting May 5th Living in Forgiveness will air Tuesdays at 9:30pm**
America has a heart condition. It’s bigger than you may think. One only needs to look around and see it. There is no reason that in the land of the free such hatred, bitterness and resentment is bred quicker and on larger scales than love and peacefulness. You know it’s not the best day when you realize that American soldiers are safer in war in other countries than in some neighborhoods in their own country. There is an issue and until we deal with the root it; nothing will change. We have got to get it- and now!
The problem isn’t about this state funded program or that; that is just a bandaid. The government doesn’t need to create more money out of thin air to give away for nothing; it’s proven that does not work. We need to get to the core root of the issue and that is unforgiveness. Simple as that.
Until the hearts of the people are changed; nothing will change. Until those with agendas stop their nonsense of demanding tolerance in the name of intolerance nothing will change. Until there is forgiveness of the past; and all of the past nothing will change. Until the hatred is removed out of the hearts of people are filled with love- nothing will change. And until we recognize that burning our country is stupid then we are not going to get very far. So the question is: what can you do today to change the tone? Perhaps walking in love and forgiveness would be a good start; after you are able to do it of course!
The mistakes that people make can and do destroy communities. We see this in the good and the bad. There is no way around it and for some; the devastation is never overcome for some. The pain of lives torn apart, the hearts left grieving; and the unforgiveness that settles in all reaps what it sows. It is something that only those who have experienced it can truly understand. It paints a picture of pure destruction in the most concrete of ways. It begs the question: what does a community do to overcome the mistakes others make to forgive? It’s simple although not easy. Forgive. When the heart is cleansed lives will change. We have to get what it is about:
1. Forgiveness is about individual healing. Forgiving others has nothing to do with what the other person did. This is the biggest problem in our society. The focus on what others have done and so what? Look in the mirror! What have ‘you’ done? Fix that! Your focus will reveal exactly where you are; and the results of it. We can look at Adam and Eve and see it- they focused on what they weren’t supposed to and they fell. America is focusing on everything else but what it was founded on and guess what? It’s falling! We as individuals need to get our focus changed to seeing what we are doing is not right. It just doesn’t. What you do to make change is what will breed in others. You have all the power! You really do. Power to change the message you are sending. So what are you going to do about it? Spread this blog post or send yet one more picture of someone looting? It’s your choice. What do you want to be responsible for? Sharing life or death? Again; your choice.
2. Forgiveness restores communities. When you make the choice to forgive life changes. Now yes we have to stop shooting and looting long enough to get to a place of this; however, if you are not in a war zone in your community you can start the change now. Be part of restoration right where you live. When a community of individuals come together in forgiveness hearts are healed and what occurred in the past while remembered; isn’t filled with the focus of what occurred and the pain that was associated with it. What it is filled with is hope. Hope for a future. Hope for what should be. Hope for what is to come. Know that it does take time; however, the steps toward restoration begins with forgiveness. We can all focus on the negative; but each person has a story. What is yours? How can your story be part of the healing process?
3. Forgiveness paves the way to the future. In order for anyone to progress forward toward a fruitful life forgiveness is the roadway toward it. It removes the stumbling blocks and all things hindering what is to come. There is never a reason to allow people and their mistakes to be a roadblock to your future; or the future of the community you are part of. Acts 3:19-20 gives us all an excellent starting point: ‘Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord, and that he may send the Messiah, who has been appointed for you—even Jesus.’ What your level of unforgiveness is plays a part. Don’t be so deceived that you are immune. The Bible is clear about that! Make sure that your path is clear and paving the right way to the right future for the right reasons.
We come together for a variety of reasons in life. It may be church, dancing, football; or even in neighborhoods to clean up the destruction of our neighborhoods. People that come together are not perfect and while the mistakes they may make be illegal, harmful to children; and even harmful to themselves what they do should not be allowed to control what others do as a result. None of us are any different. We make mistakes, we hurt people; and we all have at some point needed forgiveness and have been asked to forgive. Yes we may prove that our sins are in silent while some are stupid enough to boast them on camera; but nonetheless we all must see that we can be part of the solution. I encourage you to take the challenge and forgive. Then move on to the future that is what you were on your way to in the first place.
It’s hard to know what goes through the mind of someone who committed suicide as each person and situation is different; along with the outcome. It changes the lives of the living in ways that one can’t truly explain. It just happens and for most; unexpected. Should there be forgiveness? And to whom? Forgiveness in suicide is something that proves challenging to overcome for the living. Through forgiveness; however, life will get better. While no longer the same; it does continue.
In the situation of Robin Williams; forgiveness is no different. No one truly knows what he was experiencing, how he felt; where he was or why he did what he did. There is only mere speculation. Nothing more. For those who too have been there forgiveness is needed in order to heal. What aspects of forgiveness are needed you ask?
Forgive the person for taking his or her life. What the person did, for whatever reason, still proves selfish on many levels. You are left with nothing. No answers, no understanding; and in some cases no warning, financial security, no mother or father for the children. Nope. You are left with nothing. Unforgiveness toward that person left not dealt with will breed future consequences. Of course it will take time to recover, heal, and begin the process of living again although it is doable.
Forgive yourself for not intervening. Of course there are the ‘if only’s’ that come to mind coupled with the ‘what if’s’ and in reality; there is nothing that you could have done because most likely if you could have – you would have. Those who have suffered great loss at the hands of suicide know this. You know that if there was something you could have done that you would have; all because you love that person. You know that you would have without a doubt put your life on hold for the benefit of that loved one. And after that fact doesn’t change anything. Not forgiving yourself for what you could have done that you didn’t do that you didn’t know needed done won’t bring someone back. It never will. Understanding and recognizing that regardless of what other people do; forgiving yourself is something you can’t not do. Harboring unforgiveness toward yourself will not free you. It will create more bondage and will keep you living in what someone else did that in reality; has nothing to do with you. Forgive and heal.
Suicide is tragic. There are no words to describe the level of emotions that one experiences as a result. There is no way to predict what people will do; or won’t do at any given time. The only thing that you can do is make the choice that regardless of what other people do; you will forgive. It is the best way to live and the biggest gift of life that you can give not only to others but to yourself.
Forgiveness and unforgiveness are a part of life. There is no doubt at some point in your life you will be faced with a decision: to forgive or not to forgive. And as such; regret will be a factor in that decision. Regret can serve as an impediment to the level of forgiveness a person is able to receive and give. Regret of not spending more time with your family, putting your career first; not making the big play; or simply not giving your all can wreck havoc on your life. You can overcome regret to receive forgiveness in full.
How does regret play a part in your life in forgiveness? 3 simple ways:
1. Regret keeps you suffering from past mistakes. 2 Corinthians 7:10 tells us, ‘For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.’ People make mistakes. We all do. There was a time in my life where I knew I was forgiven; yet when certain things were brought up I felt an instant level of regret. I knew I was moving forward and didn’t understand how if I were forgiven I will still suffering. See; I didn’t at the time know that regret was like the virus scan program operating in the background of my life. Even though I was drawn to my savior Jesus I did not know regret was still an issue. Once I understood the impact of it- my life changed! It felt like I instantly lost 20lbs. I didn’t need to suffer any longer. And neither do you. Forgiveness took it all away. What a revelation!
2. Regret keeps you focused on yourself. Similar to shame; regret keeps you focused on what you could or should have done. Yes; sure you know someone forgave you yet you haven’t fully received it. Why? Because your regret keeps you continuously thinking and reliving what you could or should have done or not done to change the situation that has already taken place. Your focus of thought impacts every area of your life- and those thoughts first impact you. When regret is the main focus your life will not be free. Isa 43:18-19 “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” When you are focused on the mistakes you have made you are not 1) focused on the things above, 2) moving forward, 3) living in the forgiveness bestowed to you. Your focus is disallowing you to be. Your focus on you is your biggest problem. When I was faced with the mistakes of my past I knew I was forgiven; yet I was more distant from the Lord and couldn’t figure out why. Regret. Simple as that. My regret kept me focusing on me instead of the Lord and the blessing He gave me in the gift of forgiveness. Is it the same for you?
3. Regret disallows forgiveness to flow. Regret is an obstacle; a hindrance to the flow of forgiveness. It is like the dam that blocks the river waters. Forgiveness is there; but it can’t fully operate because the level of regret is too high. It doesn’t allow you to see what you have been given, that the mistakes of the past are not to be lived and relived. The past is gone; but a thought of yesterday. If you harbor it- it will hinder you and ultimately will kill you. If someone forgave you; why then would you allow regret to enter in and steal it? That is like leaving your door open for someone to rob you all the while paying for a wonderful insurance plan. And who does that?
It took me many years to realize that regret was in my way. Sure I knew forgiveness and its impact; but not much about the hindrance of regret. If you are struggling with regret of your past; whether it’s for cheating, having an abortion, drunk driving, bullying another person; or whatever single thing you have done I encourage you right now to let it go. You cannot change what you have done. You can’t. What you can do is forgive yourself and move on. Your life is too precious and your future is worth more than the regret of the mistakes you made that you have already been forgiven for. Don’t let it eat up years of your life like I did. It simply is not worth it.
The Parable of the 10 Virgins leaves so much for discussion. 10 virgins in total and some that were wise while others were not. On this day I ask you: which virgin are you? Are the one who thought ahead to what may come; or are you the one left at the shut front door? There are many lessons to be learned about thinking and being aware and when it comes to forgiveness; this reigns true once again.
You see; five of the virgins were wise. They planned ahead. They were prepared. They were aware. They had plenty of oil. On the other hand; the other five were foolish. Oh yes the begged those with oil to help them but for why? Why is it the job of anyone else to be accountable for you? I still wonder which of the foolish was the leader but yet in the end does it matter since they all were foolish? The leader of the foolish is still a fool. They proved unprepared, unaware; and unattending. Again I ask: which are you?
Forgiveness is for you. So is unforgiveness. It’s your choice. You can be wise and get through the door. Or; you can be foolish and be left standing without. The battle for forgiveness is just that; a battle. It is one that will cause you to be aware of you, of the situation; the consequences and the bigger impact that it will have on your life if you are not paying attention.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to see where you are, where you are going; and what you want to achieve. Then when you add to it that the enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy you will be better able to stand your guard and see that if you choose unforgiveness you ultimately choose death. You side with the enemy and will lose yourself to the battle that maybe you know is evident. That is if you are paying attention.
Don’t be deceived. You are in a battle. You just are. You have value, a purpose and if you let unforgiveness reign then you will end up on the wrong side of the door with the foolish virgins. And who has time for that?
It’s a simple question yet one all too often overlooked. I found myself looking in the mirror the other day and thought it would be like any other day. Well; it wasn’t. It reminded of years ago when I was challenged to sit in front of a mirror and just stare at myself to see what God sees. That’s a challenge all right; with a life changing outcome!
I ask you again- what are you investing in you? I took a long look not at the Eva Mendez mole that I have that people tend to comment on, not on the grey hair here or there that no one but me sees; but just a long look. It caused me to step back for a moment and pause.
How about you? Do you spend far too much time looking but not seeing? Perhaps now is the time to look at your investment and reflect on what your return on it actually is. You may be surprised.
What I saw has caused much change in my life. It’s always a challenge to go for radical change although if you don’t where will you be? You can’t do what you have always done and then not expect to get what you have always gotten. It just doesn’t work like that.
What did I see? I saw areas that need different investment for larger return.
1- I saw I was investing or sowing more in others than they were in me. I reflected on the relationships in my life where I gave more than I was receiving in return. I need to invest more in me and others who are not the sucker branches where I am better able to bring ripe fruit into my life.It’s not a selfish thing but reflecting on me and where I am to where I want to go and grow.
2- I saw the physical effects that Dallas has had on me and well; all the people I have met who too have moved from other healthy and fit cities. I didn’t beat myself up over what I saw but rather gravitated toward a lifestyle of one that will produce healthy results for lasting living and lifelong impact.
3- I saw an investment in a career that I dreamed of that isn’t quite the reality as I believe most people experience. Remember the days when McDonald’s was good? Sure you know what I am talking about? When you are able to see it for what you are you can make the change. I have better boundaries, hours; and results in the end.
4- I saw that life will suck the life out of you if you are not actively investing in yourself. I don’t mean the purchase of a new car, more clothes; or material things. I mean investing in you. The person that you are. There will always be more debt for a vehicle, more clothes that will be outdated in a few months; more tweets to post about it all and that isn’t investing in you. That is nothing but the trap of society to keep you from the right focus for actual living. Take a step back and look. Step back and see.
It’s all about choice. Choice to see. Choice to pay attention. Choice to change. Choice to choose. You may want to get on board and do something now before it’s too late. You would hate to not invest in the one thing that can change your life and then have to tell that to others what you never did.
I recently heard a story about a man who taught children in small village in Africa. The children loved learning even though their learning supplies were quite sparse. So sparse in fact the only thing the children had was a pencil and paper. No; there were no ipads, androids, televisions; or anything else. Simply a pencil and sheet of paper.
The teacher asked one student to borrow his pencil and the student willingly obliged. Later that afternoon the student needed it back and the teacher not recognizing its importance realized he misplaced it. He did manage to replace it to the child and reflected for a moment about what it must mean to that student to have only one pencil.
While its simply a pencil; it was the only one the child had. To him it meant everything. To the teacher; it was disposable so its value wasn’t the same.
Looking at that for a moment; how often in life do we only have one but take it for granted? One spouse instead of a new one tomorrow. One vehicle instead of trading in for the newer model. One good friend instead of thousands of facebook falsies. One life to live instead now instead of waiting for one day. The only one you have is the only one you have.
For the child the pencil was the only one he had therefore he cherished it. He carried it with pride. That pencil had a special place in his heart. It was after all; the only one he had.
In your life; what is the only one you have? Is it your spouse? Your dog? Your best friend? I challenge you to reflect for a moment about living life without it; and then start living like it’s the only one you have.