When people have been abused by religion, their pastors; or their church there are many lessons to learn. Spiritual abuse requires forgiveness on numerous levels. Many don’t see it; and most don’t know it’s occurred to them.
Every single person who has victory over spiritual abuse has a testimony. Those testimonies are nothing to be ashamed of but rather celebrated because there is victory in all things. It’s a matter of perspective and your victory may be just what the person on the subway next to you is needing to hear about. The lessons are many and I begin with a few simple ones:
1. Forgive. Forgive the spiritual abuser and forgive yourself. Both are lessons that are needed to be learned and master so not to be repeated.
2. Know the Word. Your pastor may say this or that; but so what? If what that pastor is not lining up with the Word of God and you follow it; you are in trouble and in more ways than you think. Your life is your responsibility. Knowing the Word helps you spot counterfeits or the wolf in sheep’s clothing.
3. Stand up for Yourself. Don’t allow someone to control you in any way; especially with the misuse of scripture. If you are not sure what the intentions are; ask. Then pay attention to the answer spoken and ‘not’ spoken. The answer is always there it’s a matter of paying attention to it.
By walking in wisdom you will far better than being ignorant following someone who may or may not have a clue, your best interest; or a personal hidden agenda. You, my dear reader, are the only one responsible for your actions and life so don’t be swayed by the ideas and thoughts of others if they are not lining up with the Word. You certainly will be glad you did!
Next up: Forgiveness in Spiritual Abuse: The Signs of Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual abuse is rampant; except people don’t talk about. Those who abuse continue to do so and those abused continue to keep silent. It’s hard to come out shout ‘Hey! I was spiritually abused. I’m socially awkward, have been isolated for a decade and haven’t a clue what I am doing’ so most who have been abused hide in silence. And things continue on as though nothing happened. It’s similar to rape in that a violation occurred in the most inner parts of a person and most of the time the perpetrator gets no sentence.
Forgiveness of self in spiritual abuse situations is vital to forward progression. There is no way to move on without first forgiving the spiritual abuser as I wrote in my previous blog ‘Forgiveness in Spiritual Abuse: Forgiving the Abuser’. The next step toward freedom is:
Forgive yourself. When reality hits of that spiritual abuse has occurred; it’s more eye opening that most realize. It’s the shock of ‘how did I let this happen’ to ‘what will others think?’ to ‘am I crazy?’ and ending with the ‘how do I go forward?’ and many other things that are a part of that journey.
It is extremely difficult to let go of the mistake that the person made to get to that place; however, those who are spiritual abusers are good at it and you blaming yourself won’t do any good. In fact it will only create more hardship so it’s best to recognize it and forgive yourself and as soon as possible. The longer you wait the harder it is because the more revelation you will experience about what really took place.
Before you go down the road of shame, guilt, condemnation; and self-loathing know that your friends who love you are still there loving you and that in fact; they have been loving you the entire time. They are still there and they have never left you. They were on their journey with you although in a different way. They see through their eyes and my friends; have been waiting for the day when your eyes were open to seeing the truth. Sometimes it takes some longer than others; which is why we need people in our lives of all walks of life.
Forgiving yourself for getting into a spiritually abusive relationship is no different than forgiving yourself for having an abortion or an act of infidelity. All require forgiveness and the great news is that there is forgiveness and freedom waiting for you. As you go forward forgive yourself for:
1. Allowing yourself to get in that situation in the first place
2. Not recognizing it sooner.
3. Not standing up for yourself during that time.
4. Not paying attention to the red flags that really were there.
5. Not listening to those in your life who saw the signs and warned you.
And anything else that caused you to get yourself there. It’s one of those things that while you may wish you weren’t there; you were and now you aren’t- and that’s the best news of all.
As with anything in life; the quicker you realize that you are not perfect and that you make mistakes the easier it will get to forgive yourself. It may be humbling; but will end up being the most healing act and gift that you can give yourself. Get started now as your future is waiting.
Up next: Forgiveness in Spiritual Abuse: Know the Lessons
Spiritual abuse is something that people don’t talk about; especially in church. Forgiveness of spiritual abuse is what needs to be openly discussed because people need freedom in Christ. Church unfortunately does not equate to freedom for many.
It is amazing how many people leave the church because they have suffered spiritual abuse. It’s even worse to learn how many of those people want nothing to do with Jesus because of the spiritual abuse of the so called Christian leaders that they trusted their spiritual journey to. It’s hard to separate the two; although it should make people be glad to learn that even Jesus wasn’t thrilled with the religious folks of His day. Spiritual abuse is no laughing matter and if you have ever experienced it or know someone who has or is currently; these words are for you.
First and foremost there is freedom after spiritual abuse. If you have suffered spiritual abuse do not allow it or the abuser to have control over your future. Forgive. There is a call on your life and you matter. There is something in your future that no one can take away. To get free and live your God given life I begin with:
1. Forgive the abuser. It truly is a test of your strength and probably one of the hardest things to forgive someone for. The person that you trusted as a confident, spiritual mentor or adviser; or whatever you want to call took advantage of what you gave. It’s a hard thing to work through for anyone when the reality of what has been done to you sets in. This is why forgiveness is needed because otherwise your future and your life will suffer the consequences in ways you can’t deem possible.
Forgiveness will free you in any situation and unforgiveness will kill you as well; so working through forgiveness first will help you see that you have a future and that your past has not been wasted. It simply hasn’t. While you may have a harder time getting back what was stolen; the great news is that there is redemption in Christ. God is the redeemer of all things and through Him what has been stolen shall be returned to you. Just keep walking toward your future.
What you must understand is through forgiveness of the abuser you will be able to see that most people don’t know what they are doing. They just don’t. You probably didn’t know what you were doing when you got yourself into the situation of being abused in the first place! Remember forgiveness is not about the abuser; but rather you and your own journey. Those who are spiritual abusers for the most part are just doing what they know and or what they have been taught. Does that make it any easier? Of course not! You still lost your identity, the years of your life all the things that it probably should have been filled with; and much more that you don’t yet know.
When really looking at the abuser through the eyes of forgiveness; you will be able to see that that person too has lost much. What that person has lost may not be any concern of yours; but it doesn’t change the fact that most people who abuse were abused and your forgiveness toward that person may put you in the perfect position to not only free yourself but that person and all those who would come after to you that would otherwise be spiritually abused. It’s a journey of healing, reconciliation and forward progress toward the real life waiting for you.
Regardless of what has been done to you by whom; the first step is forgiving the spiritual abuser so that you can take the next step forward. You don’t want to miss more of your future by not starting there.
What’s next? Forgiveness in Spiritual Abuse: Forgiving Yourself
Single people are funny. They just are. Married people are too but not in the way single people are. Single people want to be married yet in order to even get to the status of dating someone that person must meet their criteria list of 1,000 items that simply are not attainable. Oh- you have too many stubbles on your face- can’t do that. Nope. It’s not like he couldn’t just shave right ladies?
If you are single and want to date and then marry someone are you living with too many expectations of that person you don’t even know? Have you placed so many perimeters on the person that regardless of what changes may occur in that person you have just disregarded him or her? I can tell you from experience- stop. Just stop now. Forgive yourself for thinking that someone else is going to be just like you and that you are so much better than all the others because quite frankly; everyone who is single is really in the same boat. So what makes you so high and mighty that you can demand and command all the things from someone that really don’t even exist or matter in the first place? Don’t you want someone who will love you for who you are- then why would you not get yourself in position to do the same? You can’t be the ‘I want you to love me just the way I am; muffin top and all- but honey before I love you I need to see more hair and a six-pack’ and expect that will garner you anything of quality.
See; if you want to date someone just like you go date yourself. Period. You will have a ball and no one to argue with or blame. What a perfect life of bliss you will enjoy all by yourself. Have fun in the nursing home!
On the other hand; if you actually want to branch out and meet and date that wonderful person open your mind. Open your heart. Recognize that while that person isn’t 6’1″ that 6’0″ is ok; especially if either height is still taller than you are. Open your mind to see that while someone may not be where ‘you’ think he or she should be; perhaps that person was just waiting for you to go on that journey there with you. Open your mind that relationships are a journey and when you don’t see that you miss what it’s about.
Forgive yourself for being so closed minded because folks; the last thing you would want to do is spend your life judging everyone for not being what you think when in reality; all those people you judged found someone wonderful and left you standing alone. Judge that.